It's Waiting There For You
by Bless the Rains
Summary: Edward longs to discover love, but it's not easy when he's still firmly in the closet. All human. Non-canon pairings. Slash.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

-_iwtfy_-

I started working with horses as a summer job when I was fifteen. My brother got me the job. He was three years older than me and had a reputation as a hard worker. I was hired based on his reputation.

I was both proud and embarrassed by my brother. When he was sixteen Emmett had asked my parents for permission to quit school and my parents agreed as long as he had a full-time job before he dropped out. They had painfully observed Emmett struggling to pass every grade and it was easy to see that academics would never be in his future. The next day he landed his first job at the local racetrack and he's never looked back.

When he dropped out there were a lot of questions and comments from my peers. Some of them were curious and others were hurtful. We lived in an upper middle class neighbourhood and none of us had ever known anyone to drop out in the middle of the tenth grade unless they were involved in drugs or with some other illicit activity. It was unheard of to have parents supporting what most considered to be such a drastic mistake. As in any First World country, there aren't a lot of jobs in Canada you could land without a high school diploma. Years later I've come to realize that Emmett presented some of the classic signs for dyslexia. I brought it up to my parents a couple of months ago and while they agreed with my assessment, they decided to never mention it to him. To them it didn't matter because Emmett was doing what he loved.

"Hey little Cullen."

I nodded in acknowledgment to a few of the other grooms who'd greeted me as I entered the cafeteria. Even though Emmett had moved to Toronto last year to work at an A track, he had made a name for himself _here_ and it appeared that I was always going to be referred to as his little brother. The reference to little wasn't only about age. Even though I was over six feet tall and lean, Emmett was about three inches taller and was built like a linebacker.

After standing in line to grab a burger I sat down at an unoccupied corner table and whipped out a book to read. Usually I bought my lunch and left, but lately I'd stuck around, if only to catch a glimpse of my latest crush. He was new around here and I didn't know his name or who he worked for. The instant I'd caught sight of him strolling into the cafeteria in his beat up jeans, tight blue t-shirt, and blonde curls, I was trapped. I knew he was straight and I had no intention of even striking up a conversation, but damn if I couldn't keep from looking. I'd seen him for the first time three days ago and I already knew his routine.

He would be walking in here any minute to order a plate of poutine and a coffee. His equally blonde girlfriend, who looked like a swimsuit model, would join him about ten minutes later. He was very protective of her, always glaring with his stunning blue eyes at anyone who dared look at her for more than a second. I usually made my escape when she came in, never able to look their way in fear that I might see some sort of affection between them. It was crazy, I'd never spoken a word to him, yet I could a feel tightness across my chest whenever she joined him at the table. I practically ran out of the room each time and had to collect myself once I reached the outside.

I knew my behaviour was unhealthy and I should probably stop seeking out any sightings of him, but it has almost become an all consuming addiction. Yesterday, I'd manufactured a reason to walk the whole length of the backstretch, hoping to figure out what stable he worked for. I hadn't seen him and my disappointment was overwhelming.

As I waited for him to show up I kept my nose buried in my book, hoping to deter anyone from sitting with me. I didn't fit in with the typical racetrack workers and it made it awkward for me to socialize. For one thing, I was much younger than almost everyone else. Secondly, I was still in school. This was a summer job for me and that was very uncommon here. Of the hundreds of backstretch workers only a handful were teenagers and they were the usual burnouts who'd quit school because of drugs or crime and couldn't get work anywhere else. My brother had been an exception, and now I was too.

Emmett had always loved horseracing, and having grown up in a racetrack town we had a lot of exposure our entire childhood. Our grandfather on my mother's side had been a jockey's agent for thirty years, and both sides of my parents' families spent their weekends watching and betting on the thoroughbreds. My mom loved to tell the story of how my dad had taken three year old Emmett to the Racetrack only an hour after I was born, leaving her alone at the hospital all day. Absurdly, it was a happy memory for her.

We were all proud of my brother's progress through the ranks and how his reputation had become so impressive that he'd had offers from all of the top stables. He'd worked his way up from hotwalker to groom within months, and four years later he was an assistant trainer for one of the top stables at Woodbine, the higher end racetrack located in the most populated city in Canada.

I missed him terribly since he'd moved, but it was a relief too. My brother had a hot temper and he was extremely protective of me. The backstretch at a small town racetrack was as close minded as it can get, and there isn't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that there would have been some kind of violence if my sexual preference had ever been discovered. I would have been threatened for being gay, and Emmett probably would have ended up arrested for defending me. Even when I was fifteen it was glaringly obvious that this was not only a man's world, but it was most definitely a _heterosexual _man's world. I didn't need any advice on whether to stay in the closet at work - it was never really a choice.

I was fourteen when I discovered my preference; developing a hard on while watching my brother's best friend Paul saunter around the house shirtless was a pretty good indication that I liked boys. I tried for the same reaction while spying on a couple of girls who were sunbathing topless next door, but my dick refused to spring to life. In fact, I think it might have shrunken up even more if that was possible.

The only person in the world who knows I'm gay is Garrett. We'd met in the tenth grade and had hit it off immediately... as friends. He was openly gay and had what he described as extremely sensitive gaydar. I'd always had a reason to hold back from telling anyone, yet he'd ferreted out the truth after knowing me for a whole five minutes. He was also my only male experience with kissing. It had only happened once and we'd both quickly agreed that it hadn't felt right.

I turned seventeen two weeks ago and I've still never been in a relationship. I'd had female 'dates' for events, but I've never _dated _anyone. Over the years there'd been a few very forward girls who'd planted their mouths on mine before I could avoid it. Needless to say I hadn't enjoyed any of those experiences either. Lately Garrett has been tried to convince me to go out a gay club with him in one of the neighbouring cities. I can't picture myself in that kind of scene. I always imagined having my first experiences with someone I cared about, not being groped by a stranger in public.

So here I was, a frustrated, totally inexperienced seventeen year old, who was still hovering over the choices I'd made years ago to keep an important side of myself secret.

I had one more summer in this town and at this job, and then I would be off to University.

One more year that I planned to stay firmly in the closet.

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: Before I hear an outcry, Edward has some legitimate reasons why he keeps working in such an intolerant atmosphere. They'll be explained in future chapters.

Please review - I'd love to hear what you think!

F.Y.I.

The backstretch is the area at the racetrack where the barns are located. It is off-limits to anyone who doesn't carry a license to work there. For most tracks the backstretch is situated opposite the viewing stands, beyond the far 'stretch' of the track itself.

A hotwalker is someone who walks the horses around the shed row. Horses are walked for exercise while their stalls are being cleaned and/or for a cooling down period after a workout or race.

An 'A' track is a racetrack with higher purses (winnings). Horses racing at an 'A' track are generally worth more money and have made more profits than those racing at 'B' tracks.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

-_iwtfy_-

I was tired. It was only the second week into the summer and my body was still adjusting to the change in my sleep schedule. Each morning my alarm sounded off at five a.m. and I had to drag myself to work by five forty-five. There were no days off when working with horses, and I've always been a night owl so the transition to early mornings was never an easy adjustment.

I hadn't seen much of my friends since classes ended, so even though I was running on empty I'd agreed tonight to go to the movies with a group of them. We had to drive to the next city because our town was too small to have a theatre. Ten minutes into the movie I found myself nodding off. My failure to stay awake wasn't any reflection of the film, I was just _that_ exhausted. Embarrassingly, when I fell asleep my head tipped over and rested on the shoulder next to me.

Isabella, or Bella as she preferred to be called, was the newest girl to move to town. Her father was in the R.C.M.P. and they moved every three years. She seemed extremely nice and we'd become fast friends. She had a sharp sense of humour and could carry a conversation on a variety of topics that most high school students were ignorant of. She was pretty, with a creamy complexion, long brown hair and deep chocolate doe eyes. A lot of the guys at school had hit on her, and so far she'd shaken them all off.

I woke up three quarters of the way through the movie, mortified that I'd drooled all over her shoulder.

"Sorry Bella," I apologized.

I could see her smile at me even in the darkened theatre. "No problem Edward. You can go back to sleep if you want, I can see how tired you are."

"Thanks, I'll be okay," I whispered back, thankful that she was so understanding. If it had been Jessica she would have been screeching at me for ruining her shirt or, even worse, I might have woken up to find her caressing my thigh or something equally disturbing.

Garrett was on the other side of me and he snickered quietly as I tried to run my hands through my hair to fix it. We both knew there was no way I'd win this battle; my hair was always going to look fucked up.

I had driven alone to meet up with everyone because I knew I'd be on my last legs by the time the movie ended and I didn't want to get stuck staying out late when everyone else didn't want the night to end. I was seriously starting to feel like an old man and it was mildly depressing.

As I said good-bye to everyone, Bella asked if she could get a lift back to town. It turned out that her ride, Jacob Black, had become feverish while I was snoozing on Bella's shoulder. Apparently, his flu or whatever it was had come on so fast that he'd left in the middle of the movie to head home or maybe to go to the ER – no one knew for sure. I was happy to have the company and told her as much. It was probably good to have someone to talk to when I was so tired, at least then there'd be less risk of falling asleep at the wheel.

Bella and I walked through the parking lot alone while the rest of the group stood outside the theatre debating where they were going to go next. Knowing Garrett's ability to make a convincing argument for just about anything, I figured they were going to end up at the twenty-four hour go-carts. He would tell the guys it was because of 'his need for speed' but I knew it was because he liked Ian, the mouth-watering redhead who ran the place.

"Is this your dad's car?"

I owned a 2007 silver Volvo. It wasn't the coolest car, but it was in good condition and reliable. "No. This baby is all mine." I pretended to caress the hood and Bella giggled. She was sharp enough to know I wasn't serious.

As I drove down the dark highway Bella asked me lots of questions about growing up in the Niagara Region, my family, and finally about my job at the track. She was envious of my relationship with Emmett, commenting that she'd never liked being an only child. I think it was especially hard for her because of how often she'd moved. I started to feel more of an affinity for her when I found out she'd never been in a relationship either. Maybe I wasn't the only virgin left at our high school.

When I started talking about my job I probably sounded a little too passionate. Aside from the early morning hours and some of the people I had to put up with, I _loved_ my job. I was outside all summer, the horses were magnificent, the amount of hours I worked was flexible, and there was a lot of opportunity to earn extra money. This summer I was strong enough to get hired for extra hours unloading bales of hay and straw from the delivery trucks on the afternoons of on the non-race days. It was like I was getting paid to have an extreme workout. If I kept it up I'll be sporting a nice set of abs and pecs by the end of the summer.

"It sounds like a wonderful way to spend the summer and make money," Bella sighed wistfully.

"Where are you working over the summer?" I asked her.

"I have a job babysitting a couple of kids, but it's really not my favourite thing to do."

"Where did you want to work?"

"Well, a book store or the library would be my first choices. I checked out the library and apparently they have a waiting list for their coveted page positions. Angela works there and she said if your brother or sister worked there previously you might have an in, otherwise forget it."

"It's good to know nepotism is alive and well at our local library," I joked.

Bella seemed to think my comment was funny and I found her laugh captivating. I suddenly wished I could be sitting with _him_ and making him laugh this way. _Jeez, I really need to at least find out his name._

"There are a couple of bookstores in Niagara Falls," I offered.

"I haven't got a vehicle to get me there. In fact, I want a job so I can buy a car. Kind of a catch-22."

"Well that kind of sucks for you," I commiserated. Once I'd slipped into thinking about my blonde god I found myself distracted with images of him sitting next to me as I drove. His hand on my knee. His hand running through my hair. His tongue running up the side of my ear. An involuntary shiver ran up my spine and I could feel my pants getting tighter.

"How did you get your job at the track?" Bella interrupted the fantasy that was starting to play out in my head. I blinked a few times trying to focus on what she'd asked.

"My brother Emmett. He worked there first and brought me in. He showed me how to handle a racehorse and I got my first job working in the same stable as him. He was head groom at the time and I was offered a job as a hotwalker."

"Could you maybe help me get a job with the horses?"

I nearly sputtered. _Bella_ _working at the racetrack?_ "I could... but the track isn't really a good place for a single teenage girl to work." It was a horrible idea and I immediately started thinking up a solid argument to convince her. "It's kind of rough and the men there aren't the best characters. In fact, there's a high number of ex-convicts, drug addicts and alcoholics working there. Enduring sexual harassment is a daily event for the few women who brave it." I _was_ generalizing; there were a lot of nice, law-abiding citizens too. Yet, I wasn't exaggerating about there being a high number of low-life characters. We really did get the dredges of society working there.

I pulled into Bella's driveway and parked behind an older, dark blue Toyota Corolla. After putting my car into park I turned to look at her.

"Bella, I'd help you if I could, but the track really isn't the best place for someone like you."

She frowned and then glared up at me. "Someone like me? Do you think I'm some helpless chick who can't stand up for herself? My dad's a cop! I know self defence and I'm not frightened by a bunch of bullies."

"That's not what they are. I'm talking about guys that have no respect for women, don't give a shit for authority, and are pretty much unemployable. It's not that I don't think you can stand up for yourself, but you're too young and pretty to work there. Your long brown hair would be like waving a red flag in front of a herd of bulls."

"You think I'm pretty?" She tipped her head to the side as she waited for my response.

_That's the part she's focusing on? I swear I'll never understand the way women think._

"Of course you're pretty. You'd have to be blind to think anything else."

She'd unclipped her seatbelt and before I could react she was right in front of me, so close that I could taste the buttered popcorn on her breath and what smelled like strawberry shampoo.

"Then why don't you kiss me?"

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: I'm hoping to have one more chapter loaded on Sunday night. Because of my schedule I'll probably be doing all my posting on the weekends.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

I'm a little late posting. I originally said I'd post this Sunday night, but I forgot Sunday was going to be Father's Day. Thanks to those who reviewed and those who added me to their favourites or alerts!

-_iwtfy_-

from chapter 2:

"_Of course you're pretty. You'd have to be blind to think anything else."_

_She'd unclipped her seatbelt and before I could react she was right in front of me, so close that I could taste the buttered popcorn on her breath and what smelled like strawberry shampoo. _

"_Then why don't you kiss me?"_

-_iwtfy_-

_Shit! I missed the signals! How could this have happened? Now she's waiting for me to kiss her and __**that**__ isn't about to fucking happen!_

In most cases I was extraordinarily aware of a girl's possible interest in me and I had gotten good at predicting when to step back and redirect. My failure to catch it this time could be blamed on a combination of fatigue and the distracting fantasies I'd been having about my boy.

_My boy, what a joke! I think I'm losing it. And he's not a boy. He's most definitely all man... _

"Edward?"

I'd spaced out and now Bella, who was still way too close, was looking at me with concern.

Shifting closer to the driver's door to create more space between us, I wondered how I could get out of this situation without losing her friendship at the same time. I was usually quick to come up with a loophole or alternative to any awkward position, but this time my brain seemed to be on lockdown.

When I heard what sounded like crying from Bella I looked up to see her head had dipped down causing her hair to block any view of her face. Her shaking shoulders confirmed my worst fears and I was immediately appalled about having hurt her feelings.

Having no idea what kind of apology I could offer, I reached an uncertain hand toward her shoulder. I really did like her, and seeing her this way was distressing. My hand hovered over her because I was suddenly doubtful my touch would help the situation.

"Bella..." _What are you going to tell her asshole? It's not like you are about to tell her the truth. _"I'm... "

Her head came up and I choked on my words.

_What the hell was going on? _

Her eyes weren't full of tears. She wasn't crying. I hadn't hurt her.

_I guess I should be relieved, but I think I'm mainly confused._

She actually looked, I don't know, animated? When I replayed the whole incident I realized her shoulders might not have been shaking because she was sobbing. No, they were probably shaking because she was_ laughing_ so hard.

A loud hiccup erupted from her mouth and she threw her hands across it in embarrassment.

"Oh Edward... hic... I'm sorry... Garrett was right... hic... you were... it was... hic... "

_Garrett? Okay hold the fuck on!_

_She knows. _If this had happened a year ago I would have been panicking.

I could see it was going to take awhile for her get control of herself. I turned to face the front windshield and leaned my head back against the headrest. Instead of trying to figure out how I was going to handle it, I decided to close my eyes and rest.

_Fuck am I tired._

When she'd gained control of her breathing I opened my eyes and turned toward her with my eyebrow raised in question.

"I'm sorry Edward, it was just... you looked so... really I'm sorry I laughed. Garrett put me up to it. Well, it was partly my idea. I think you're cute, well hot, but that doesn't mean I'm really into you."

"What did Garrett say?"

"I uh, I know you'd never be into me." _That didn't answer my question._

"And why would you assume that?"

"Look, Garrett told me a bit of why you don't tell people."

I was going to_ kill_ my best friend. Since when did he think it was okay to out me?

I was irritated and I wanted to be sleeping. "How did _my_ sexual preference become a topic for discussion?"

Her face turned pink. "That was my fault entirely. I realized it months ago. It wasn't anything you did, but I'm pretty observant of people. Maybe it comes from being a cop's daughter. I don't know. Anyway, Garrett was annoying me one day in Calculus and so I threw it out there. I asked him if you two had ever dated. He tried to bluster his way past the question, but I could tell I'd hit onto something. _Did_ you guys ever date?"

"No." I was annoyed that Garrett could be so easily manipulated. It hadn't always been that way. He used to be a vault.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone... except, I promised to tell Garrett how you reacted." Realizing she was still awfully close she slid back into her seat. "I was afraid there for a second you were going to go through with it – kissing me." She giggled softly at the memory, her face flushing even more. "I'm not sure who would have been more freaked out." She popped open her door to leave, but paused before stepping out. "I still want that job Edward. I'm gonna harass you every time I see you."

I rolled my eyes. _Not going to happen._ "It's not the right place for you Bella."

She hopped out. "Keep an open mind Edward. I might surprise you."

-_iwtfy_-

A small pixie of a woman slid into the seat opposite me, blocking my view of _him._ I nearly growled in frustration as I put my book down.

"_Little _Cullen, how's it going in Barn 4?"

"Brandon," I nodded in acknowledgement. Alice Brandon was a jockey and it was her second season riding here. We'd become friends when she was a rookie and she'd ridden a lot for my boss. She was only a few years older than me and had a wicked sense of humour.

I tried to see past her, but she'd picked the perfect angle to completely block him from view.

"_Her _name is Rosalie Hale. She brought four horses up from Jacksonville and is taking the test next week to get licensed. She's got stalls in Barn 11 and Barn 14."

My eyes shot back to hers. _Why was she telling me this? What did she know?_

"Who? Why are you telling me this?"

"Well baby face, I've seen you studying Jasper like he's your rival in an intense game of poker and you want to call his bluff. Whenever Rosalie prances in and joins him you get all flush and leave. It doesn't take a genius to see that you have a crush on her. You and almost every male at this godforsaken track," Alice snorted. "Why is it guys see a tall woman with blonde hair and blue eyes and they instantly start to drool?"

Alice was petite with dark hair and dark eyes. She was attractive in her own way, but yeah, the blondes really do garner most of the attention.

I shrugged. I did prefer tall, blue-eyed blondes.

_Wait! Did she say Jasper? Is that __**his**__ name? _I wanted to say his name out loud and see how it felt to rolling off my tongue. It was relief to finally know who he was.

"Who is _Jasper_?" _Yeah, that felt pretty good. Jasper._

"Oh honey," she sighed. "There is no way you are coming between them. He's like the ultimate embodiment of a sexually charged, ruggedly handsome male. And that accent – wooo!" Alice pretended to fan herself off. "I nearly soaked my panties when he first spoke to me. I tried to turn on the Brandon charm but it was like there was no recognition at all that I was female in any way, shape, or form. And Rosalie will not use male riders; which is good for me, but also means she's closing herself off. I got the distinct impression she trusts no one but Jasper. You're going to have no luck penetrating _that_ relationship."

Now I was dying to hear what kind of accent he had. If only I had some reason for talking with him. "Are they married?" I hadn't looked for a wedding ring. I wasn't sure why it hadn't occurred to me before.

"No. He goes by Jasper Whitlock. They moved here together and he's got himself a groom's license. I heard he might be looking for work. He helps her out, but with four horses between the two of them that doesn't count for much time."

And suddenly I had the perfect reason for talking with him. _Jasper._ I repeated to myself. I wanted to sit and run his name through my head over and over. I stood up quickly, abandoning what was left of my lunch. My stomach was in flutters and I could feel a nervous energy running through my veins. I had some details to work out before I could approach him.

"See ya later Alice. I think Carlisle will need you tomorrow. Peter has given him the okay to start training Aro again."

As I walked back to my barn in search of my boss I wondered if this was really the best idea.

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: Yeah – next chapter the boys will finally get to meet!

If I get enough reviews I might post the next chapter before the weekend.

F.Y.I. This story will always be written in Edward's POV. I might consider Jasper outtakes at a later date.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Thanks to all those who reviewed and added me to their alerts!

-_iwtfy_-

Carlisle's operation was short one groom, well really half a groom. And there lies the problem. It's hard to hire half a man. We'd been making due with freelancers when we could and I'd been picking up the slack whenever feasible. I actually preferred to be busy and earn the extra money myself, but the idea of bringing Jasper over to our barn for a couple of hours each morning was a enticement I couldn't resist. Now I had to convince Carlisle that this was a good idea. He trusted my judgement so it shouldn't be too difficult.

Recommending someone to Carlisle who was essentially unknown was completely out of character for me. Usually I'd make sure in triplicate that a possible hire was a good worker and dependable. I also liked to make sure they were tolerant. Not that I was about to expose my proclivity for the same sex, but I still didn't want to hear any racist remarks or gay bashing in my shed row.

What did I _know_ about Jasper Whitlock?

Well...if I were to stretch the facts a little...

He was dependable. This was evidenced by the fact that he was always in the cafeteria at around the same time each day, supporting the argument that he didn't skip work or go on benders.

He was familiar with predictable, established patterns. Poutine and coffee every day for three weeks was a good indication that he could handle repetitive practices as long as their importance was demonstrated.

Was he a hard worker? This was the area where I knew him the least. I could see he worked hard at something... by the condition of his body. Most of the guys around here were lazy asses, but that was okay, it kept my mind out of the gutter. Jasper looked anything but lazy.

_Shit. I'm really in trouble here. _

_Am I__ crazy to be doing this?_

Carlisle voiced his concern over my rapid return to the barn as soon as he saw me. "Edward! What are you doing back already? I thought you went to have lunch?"

Carlisle could have been a top trainer at a more prestigious track but he and his wife Esme chose to live in a smaller community. I've only been working for him for the past year, but I'd known him since I was fourteen. He'd become like a second father to me and was always concerned that I was working too hard. He was also the first person I planned to come out to when I'd worked my last day at the Track. I had no fear of his reaction because he was the least judgemental person I'd ever met. Coming out to my parents wasn't going to be as easy. Edward Sr. was a bit of a wild card when it came to his acceptance of various lifestyles.

"I did eat." I bounced up into the shed row. The anticipation of what I was about to do had me tingling with excitement and a small dose of apprehension. I'd never been this stirred up over a guy before. I was sure Jasper would lose some of his shine when I got to know him. At least I hoped he would, otherwise it was going to be difficult to keep from outing myself before the end of summer. "I think I've found the answer to our work flow issues."

"Okay, you've got my attention," Carlisle admitted. He'd been taking an inventory of his supplies in the tack room, but he lowered his clipboard at my announcement. Another bonus of working for him was that he took my suggestions seriously. Not too many adults had the self esteem to admit when a seventeen year old's ideas were worth consideration.

"There's this groom, well he came up with a trainer from Florida. She has four horses. He helps her out, but he doesn't have any other work. Alice has been riding for them in the mornings and she gave him a glowing report." Carlisle didn't need to know her account was about something other than Jasper's work ethic. I felt slightly guilty about bending the truth, but I was desperate for this to work out. I _needed _this to work out.

"What's this guy's name?"

"Jasper Whitlock." I waited to see if Carlisle was familiar with him. He knew almost everyone here.

"I don't think I've met him. Who's the trainer he's working for?"

"Rosalie Hale. She's not licensed with the Jockey Club yet but she'd taking the test next week. She's training her own horses."

Carlisle nodded in understanding. Regardless of Rosalie's experience, very few failed the private trainer test. On the other hand, the test to become a public trainer was much more difficult. The Jockey Club wasn't too concerned with how well you managed your own horses, but they didn't want to have to deal with registered complaints from angry owners about someone they'd licensed.

"What barn are they in?"

This is where it would get tricky. Barns 11 and 14 were a good distance away. Not exactly convenient for sharing an employee. "I'm not sure," I lied. _Fuck. _I hated lying to Carlisle. "I know she temporarily has her horses split between two barns."

"Hmmm," Carlisle looked deep in thought. "If he's interested in the job, I know Heidi has some space in her barn. Six of her horses were called up to Woodbine and they aren't sending any back to her until September. She owes me a favour. Maybe... Rosalie is it?" I nodded. "Maybe Rosalie would move? It has to be preferable to have all her horses in one barn, and Heidi's barn is a good one."

Heidi's barn being described as a 'good one' was a bit of an understatement. Heidi was the assistant trainer for Eclipse Stable and they were in the barn next to ours. Most of their outfit was housed at Woodbine and Heidi managed the less valuable horses here. Eclipse was one of the wealthiest and most successful stables in Ontario and they always had one or two entries in the Queen's Plate each year. The Queen's Plate is the first race in the Canadian Triple Crown. It can best be described as the Kentucky Derby of the Canadian circuit, but the horses aren't up to the same calibre as their American counterparts.

All the barns here are owned by the Racetrack, and each year at the start of the racing season trainers and owners are assigned their stalls. A stable such as Eclipse garnered VIP treatment and they were always given the same barn each year. Because they knew they'd have the same barn, they didn't mind putting their own money into upgrading it. Besides the luxury accommodations Rosalie would experience, they only hired the best of the best to work for them, so she wouldn't have to worry about fraternizing with junkies or criminals. They'd attempted to recruit Emmett several times but he turned them down because the highest position they could offer him was head groom. Being able to house her horses in the Eclipse barn would solidify my offer to Jasper. I couldn't see how they could refuse.

"Awesome idea Carlisle!" _Tone it down idiot. _I looked anxiously over at Carlisle to see if he noticed my over-enthusiasm. Thankfully he'd already turned back to his inventory."Should I wait and see what Heidi says?"

"I think you should go find out if they're interested first. I don't want to get Heidi's feathers all ruffled if we don't have to."

"Okay. They're probably still in the cafeteria, I'll go talk to them."

There's an opening through the middle of each barn and I used this shortcut to save time. As a general rule trainers discourage this practice because strangers in their shed row could be stealing supplies or equipment. Most race days I freelanced for a majority of these trainers so they all trusted me and I knew they wouldn't care. I walked out of the final barn before the cafeteria and stopped short.

_Holy Mother of God. _It didn't take me nearly long enough to find him.

He was there, right out front of the cafeteria, his blond hair looking almost like a halo in the sun and he was smoking... a cigarette.

I was disappointed. Even though I knew he was straight, the fact that he smoked made him officially off limits and had a certain finality to it the other reason hadn't. Maybe I'd been holding out hope I could convince him to switch teams.

_Okay, it's time for a reality check._ _It's not like some gorgeous woman could flip a switch inside me and suddenly turn me on to chicks. Not. Gonna. Happen. So why would I think it could work the other way? _

I shook my head in frustration. He smokes and I could never date a smoker. I shivered at the thought. Still, if there were anyone who looked hot smoking a cigarette it was Jasper. He looked like a cross between the Marlboro Man and a California surfer. I was beginning to regret how vehemently I'd spoken against the disgustingness of the habit because it didn't look nearly as repulsive when it was Jasper's lips around the cigarette.

_Fuck. Now I was thinking about those lips wra__pped around something else. Shit! Do not start sporting wood. You'll scare the guy off and he'll never agree to work for Carlisle._

Jasper looked toward me as I approached and I felt a certain thrill as his eyes trailed up and down my body.

_Did he just check me out?_

I _had_ to have been imagining it. Maybe he looked me over because it was obvious I was heading his way and he was trying to get a read on me before we talked. He was standing about fifteen feet in front of the cafeteria, but off to the left. I'd had to veer in his direction as soon as I crossed the road and then walk on the lawn where there wasn't a path. He continued to watch me approach, never moving from his relaxed stance. Up close he looked to be in his early to mid-twenties. When I was about four feet away he flicked his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it with his boot.

I nearly groaned when I saw him do it.

_Don't do it Edward! Leave it alone._ _Leave. It. Alone._

But I couldn't take my eyes off it.

As soon as I reached him I bent down and scooped up the butt, planning to throw it in the nearest garbage after we finished talking.

_Fuck, you couldn't ignore it for once?_

"Y'always go 'round pickin' up other dude's smokes?" He asked in what sounded like an amused tone.

My cheeks betrayed me and I could feel myself blush. I understood now what Alice had been saying. His accent sounded southern to my untrained ears. _Fuck I want to visit Florida if they all sound like that! _

"Only if the _dude_ isn't going to pick it up himself. Especially here. Sometimes we graze horses in this spot; I wouldn't want them to ingest it accidentally." I was defensive about my obsession with order and I sounded like I was chastising him. I hadn't meant it that way. My face grew even redder under his gaze and I had a hard time raising my eyes up to meet his.

_Great first impression idiot! Fix it!_

I pulled my shoulders up, looked him in the eye, and raised my right hand up to offer him a handshake. I was surprised to see his blue eyes twinkling with amusement when I'd been expecting annoyance. He raised his hand to meet mine and I thrilled at the warmth that spread through me. His grip was firm but gentle. I probably gripped his hand for slightly longer than appropriate. He didn't seem to notice. I held back the sigh I wanted to let out.

"You're Jasper Whitlock, right?"

"Yup. And who might you be?" His penetrating gaze was making me nervous. I found myself jumping right into it with no small talk.

"Edward. I work for Twilight Farms. We've been looking for some part-time help and Alice Brandon mentioned how you only had a few horses to look after."

His eyes flashed briefly into what looked like disappointment, but it was too quick for me to be sure. I couldn't understand what I'd said to cause it. His expression settled into a slightly guarded look before he answered.

"What barn is Twilight Farms?"

"Barn 4, but..."

"Sorry," he interrupted me, moving around me to head back to the building. "Can't. It was nice meet'n ya but I gotta get back."

"Uh wait, you haven't heard everything," I exclaimed, surprised at his abrupt change in attitude. When we first starting talking he looked relaxed and seemed to have all the time in the world. Now he seemed tense and in a hurry to leave.

He slowed down and let me walk beside him. His stride was slightly longer than mine and I noticed he was about an inch taller than me. "Alice told me Rosalie has four horses but they split up her stalls. They do that to newcomers, especially when they start partway into the racing season. Carlisle thinks he might be able to swing four stalls together in the Eclipse stable. That's the barn right next to us. The assistant trainer there owes him a favour."

He stopped abruptly and turned toward me. I knew the name Eclipse would get his attention.

"Who is Carlisle and why would he do that?"

"Carlisle's my boss. He's the trainer for Twilight Farms and he's a nice guy - that's why he'd do it. If you have any doubts, ask anyone about him. I'm sure you'll hear only good things."

"Would I be able to see the four stalls she'd be using from where I'd be working in your barn?"

_Is he being protective or possessive?_

"I'm not sure what stalls they have empty. We can walk over and take a look," I offered hopefully.

"Not right now. I'll check with Rose and get back to you."

"Okay. I'm in barn 4 every morning if you want to find me."

He glanced over at me and I was shocked at the sudden smirk that crossed his face. "Or, I could wait and stumble upon you in the cafeteria read'n a book."

I didn't know how to react to his comment and I smiled faintly in embarrassment. As I walked away I took the opportunity for a quick look back. My eyes met his in the reflection of the door and I saw him pause briefly before he pulled it open and disappeared inside.

Running through our interaction over and over again, I walked away from him in a daze wishing I had a second opinion. For a straight guy, that was certainly an interesting exchange.

It also crushed my theory that Jasper would lose his shine as I got to know him. This was definitely going to be a long, hot summer.

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: I'm gonna call this track Forks Racetrack for fun - anybody reading this know what real track I'm basing this on?

Next update will be on the weekend. I'd love to hear from you!


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews – I loved receiving each and every one!

-_iwtfy_-

"Hey Edward, how is Retailing doing? Should I take a look at her leg while I'm here?"

Peter, the veterinarian Carlisle liked to use, had stopped by the barn to drop off the supplements we'd ordered. He was a newer vet around the Track and still in his twenties. He'd taken over a lot of Dr. Gerandy's clients when Gerandy had retired two years ago. Retailing was a small, black filly that Alice had to pull up during a race a couple of weeks ago, and we'd been treating her front left leg for a possible bowed tendon. It was looking like Alice's decision to pull up might have prevented a more serious injury.

"She's doing well. We're gonna keep her walking another week and then decide if she needs time at the farm. I'd pull her out for you to look at but I just filled up her oat bucket. You do _not _want to get between her and her breakfast. Where's Charlotte today?" _Not that I miss her._

Charlotte was Peter's wife and she acted as his assistant and performed the duties of an office manager. Normally it would have been her delivering the supplements. Veterinarians who practice at a racetrack work out of a vehicle and don't have an actual office. Usually wherever Peter was, Charlotte would be close behind. I liked Peter, he was smart, charming, and didn't treat me like a kid. I couldn't say the same for his wife. Charlotte disliked me before either of us had spoken a word. I wondered if she saw me as insignificant and the fact that Carlisle was always treated to a warm smile and greeting did nothing to dispel my theory.

"She wasn't feeling too good so she headed home for lunch to take a break. She could have delivered these later, but I was coming here anyways."

"You were?" Peter had been by yesterday so I hadn't been expecting another visit so soon. I quickly ran down the list of our horses in my head... Carlisle hadn't mentioned needing the vet.

"I have something I wanted to talk to you about. Maybe we could go to lunch?"

I sucked in my breath. I used to have an attraction to Peter, yet it was nothing compared to the pull I felt toward Jasper. I think it was mostly admiration of his youthful looks and obvious intelligence. It faded as quickly as it had begun, especially after meeting Charlotte. "Why?"

"I have a proposition for you." He didn't elaborate; instead he simply stared at me and waited for my response.

_A proposition?_ _What could he possibly need me for? _"Uh, okay. I have a few more things to finish up around here. I can go to lunch in half an hour?"

"Good. I'll meet you by the West gate and we'll find a place to eat away from the track. Why don't you give me your number in case either of us runs into a problem?"

"Okay," I answered him. That seemed a reasonable request. He passed me his phone and I plugged in my phone number. "I turn off my phone when I'm working, but I'll turn it on when I leave the barn. You can always text me if your plans change," I explained.

A voice cleared behind me and I handed Peter back his phone before turning around. The goose bumps that had erupted on my arms told me without a doubt who it would be. I didn't need to see Jasper to know he was near.

"Great! Thanks Edward."

"Sure Peter," I answered distractedly, my focus entirely on the man who was standing several feet away. Jasper looked angry and I couldn't figure out what I'd done. He hadn't stopped by yesterday and I was worried he wasn't going to take the position I'd offered. With the look he was now sporting I wasn't sure why he bothered to walk all the way out here, he could have just told me he didn't want the job when he ran into me at the cafeteria.

Peter nodded at Jasper as he left the barn and I noticed Jasper's eyes narrow toward the veterinarian. He didn't nod back or look away from him as he watched the other man walk off toward his truck. In truth, I couldn't understand what the vet could have done to cause such a reaction. I'd never known Peter to be at odds with anyone.

Ignoring Jasper since he seemed so hostile I began tidying up the shed row and opening up all the screens. All occupied stalls had to have their screens closed daily between six and eleven in the morning. This was a Jockey Club rule and was put into place to protect the horses being walked or ridden in the shed row from being bitten by horses still in their stall. Fines were meted out to trainers who failed to follow the rules. If you had a stall walker who wasn't aggressive you could apply for an exception.

"So I've never asked anyone, but why are race horses so hostile?" His tone bellied the anger I'd seen in his eyes and posture minutes before, but I refused to turn and look at him.

"It's a combination of reasons. I think the biggest cause would be because they're athletes. They want so badly to run, yet their cooped up in these tiny rooms. They watch other horses getting out and they're jealous. They're race-ready, pumped full of adrenaline and muscle and they don't know when they are going to get the opportunity to burn it up. If you see these same horses on the farm in the winter they are like happy kids, kicking up their heels in the pasture and running whenever they want. Some of the meanest horses at the track are the most relaxed and easy going on the farms.

I continued to do my job, opening screens, filling watering buckets, and tidying the shed row of equipment. I walked around him trying to ignore the way my heart rate picked up as I almost brushed against him

"Huh. I guess it would be pretty annoying to have no control over when you got to stretch your legs," he agreed.

"So what's up Jasper? Are you still considering the job offer or are you here to tell me you're not interested?" I tried to keep a neutral tone, but I was preparing myself for my hopes to be dashed. I wanted Jasper as a friend _so_ much and it shocked me how hurt I already felt and he hadn't even turned down the job... yet.

"I have a few questions." He sounded so uncertain that I froze as I hung up a halter by one of the stalls.

"Well shoot, ask away." I finished with the halter and started packing up one of the saddles that had been left on the railing.

_Fuck. Please let it be something I can accommodate. Yet, what else can I do? I've already broken so many rules in even offering him the job._

"What exactly is the job? I need to know what the position is, the hours, and the pay?"

I should be smacking my fucking forehead. _Did I lose my freakin' brain around him? Of course he's gonna need to know those details!_

"It's a groom job. Probably a couple of hours a morning. Really it's kind of flexible. We're making due with only myself and one other groom, Fred. He's been with Carlisle for five years. Any work you could do for us would be helpful. You'd have to iron out the details with Carlisle but he'd probably pay you by the hour. He pays a fair hourly wage. You could help with Rose's horses in between..."

"Rosalie," he interrupted in a gruff voice. I was transfixed by the sound that had emerged from his throat when he spoke her name. I imagined him using that same voice as he told me something important, something that meant a lot to him. I think I might have stopped working as I drifted off thinking of him saying my name _that _way.

I could feel Jasper moving in closer to me and I shook myself out of the stupor his voice alone had put me in. "Excuse me?"

"Rosalie. No one calls her Rose but me." His voice had morphed into a hard and threatening sound. My heart crumpled a little at the harsh possessiveness in his tone. I knew they were together, but the reality of how he felt for her hadn't struck me until then. It was ridiculous; of course he felt strongly about her, he'd moved all the way from Florida to be with her, didn't he?

"O-okay, _Rosalie_. Uh, you could work between our stable and hers... that is if she were to move to the Eclipse barn."

I walked away from him with the saddle to put it away in the tack room. _Why does the cleanup always get left to me? _Of course I couldn't really blame Fred, I was fastidious when it came to the order of our shed row and I'd suggested earlier in the summer that I take sole responsibility for it. Glancing down at my watch, I realized I only had ten more minutes before Peter expected me to meet him at the gate.

"This won't work."

I stopped midstride with the saddle still slung over my left arm and swung around to face him. When I looked at his face, he averted his eyes and shuffled his feet. _Was I making him nervous?_

"Why not?" I demanded.

"I'm not a groom," he confessed.

His explanation was _not_ what I expected.

"Oh. But Alice told me..."

"I have a groom's license. Rosalie signed for it. I don't know enough about race horses to be an actual groom." Everything about the way he held himself spoke volumes. He was uncomfortable with his situation.

This might be easily solved.

"That's okay. We can hire you as a hotwalker. You aren't afraid of horses, are you?"

He looked up at me and I noticed he looked almost... reverent? My face flushed under his gaze as I waited to hear his response.

"No. I've been walking Rose's horses. I can easily do the hotwalker job. But, I thought you needed a groom?"

I turned back toward the tack room to store the saddle. "Groom, hotwalker, we could use any spare hands. Right now we use freelance hotwalkers whenever one stops by, but having a permanent one would work better."

"I need to see the stalls Rose could use before I could accept."

The idea that I was getting closer to working directly with Jasper every morning was making the adrenaline pump through my veins and I wanted to let out a celebratory whoop. Instead, I locked the tack room and grabbed the rake.

"I'm almost done here, and then I can show you." I started to rake the sawdust in the shed row and as I moved toward Jasper he backed up out of my way. His inexperience as to where to stand was obvious as one of our horses took the opportunity and leaned out his stall to lunge toward him and snap.

"Watch out!" I called out too late. Luckily, the horse missed and Jasper was able to escape without being bitten. I smiled as I considered how much fun it might be to teach him everything I knew. I wondered how receptive he'd be to being directed by someone as young as myself.

"I'm gonna go wait for you over on the grass," Jasper said as he shook his head at the near miss.

"This won't take me more than a few minutes," I assured him and watched his ass as he walked away. It was near perfect and I started to sweat as I pictured seeing it in the buff. I sighed quietly as I set to finish raking the shed row at a record breaking clip.

_Fuck! I was going to be late meeting Peter. _Still, I couldn't regret it. Any moments with Jasper were worth it.

When I'd leaned the rake up against the far end of the barn, I trotted over to Jasper. He was smoking again and I felt my nose wrinkle in disgust.

Jasper caught my look and glanced at the cigarette then back at me. "I take it you're not a fan of smoking?"

"You better believe it," I commented with derision. "Come on, I'll show you the stalls." I wasn't about to get into a discussion of the pros and cons of smoking. As far as I was concerned, there was nothing but cons. I spent four months of my junior year watching someone close to me waste away; it was so much more than a vile habit to me. Seeing Jasper addicted to it caused my heart to ache and I felt myself pull back even more. There was no way I ever wanted to go through that fucking misery again.

I didn't wait for him to butt out the cigarette. Walking ahead I moved around the side of the barn and up into the Eclipse shed row. The Eclipse barn had been painted white before the horses moved in this year and someone had planted flowers all around the outside. It looked welcoming and homey. Not like all the other barns, none of which had been painted in over ten years.

The six empty stalls were at the far end, but lucky for us, they were facing our barn, but on the opposite side of the Twilight assigned stalls. If Jasper were walking our horses he'd be going the full circle of the barn and would be able to see Rosalie's stalls while he worked. I pointed them out to Jasper as I pulled my phone out of my pocket and powered it up. As soon as the phone was running I quickly checked my messages. There were a few from Garrett, one from Mike, and one from... Peter.

I quickly texted Peter to let him know I'd been held up and asked him if he still wanted to meet. When I'd finished typing I glanced up to see what Jasper thought of the arrangement. My face turned rosy when I realized he was staring at me.

"What do you think? Will Rosalie be willing to move?" I held his gaze but I could feel the colour descending down my neck.

"It has to be better than her current set-up. What kind of workers does Eclipse hire? Is there anyone I'd have to worry about harassing her?" He still hadn't broken his eyes away from mine and it felt surreal that this... man, this very attractive and sexy man, was still looking at me.

I snorted as I thought of his unreasonable expectations and spoke without giving my response proper consideration. "With Rosalie's looks I'm not sure she'd be safe anywhere from male attention." His expression darkened and I quickly backtracked. _Fuck Edward, don't you want him to take the job? _"Eclipse is extremely professional and you'd have a harder time finding another group of workers who'd act more respectful. In fact," I watched him as I stated my next words, hoping I didn't drive him away, "at Eclipse _you_'d probably have to deal with more harassment. Heidi, the assistant trainer for the stable, is a bit of a cougar when it comes to hot looking guys." I swallowed as I waited to see how he responded to my somewhat revealing compliment, surprised by my sudden bravery.

His eyes widened as my words registered and then his mouth twisted into a smirk. "Had to deal with that problem yourself, have you?"

I blinked as I tried to understand if he was calling me hot too, or if he was only trying to commiserate about cougars. "Uh. No actually. I'm not exactly Heidi's type." _I'm a little too young, even for her._

My phone chirped at me and I glanced down at it, thankful for the interruption. Peter had texted back. He'd been held up too and he wanted to meet up in ten minutes. I typed a quick reply and shoved the phone in my pocket.

"I gotta go. Will you let me know when you've decided about the job? Carlisle will be around all day tomorrow, we have a horse running in the third race. You could come by and talk to him about wages if you're interested."

We moved off the Eclipse shed row together and walked down the main road toward the cafeteria. The West gate was only a few minutes' walk from there.

"So Edward, do y'all give your number to anyone who asks?" Jasper questioned. I bristled at his disapproving tone.

He must have seen me typing my number to Peter and I couldn't understand why I felt the need to explain. It really wasn't his business. "No one has my number except Carlisle and my friends outside of work. Peter is our veterinarian and he needed to get a hold of me."

"I _know_ who Dr. Trembley is," Jasper responded with a scoff. "I hope you two aren't friends." Then he muttered something under his breath that I thought sounded like "fuckin' predator."

"It's none of your business if we are," I argued. My stomach twisted in knots. Something about the way Jasper was treating me was making me nervous and I wasn't about to tell him I was meeting Peter for lunch.

"I have to run. Talk to you later," I turned away from Jasper, leaving him to keep walking toward the building. I could feel his eyes on my back and I wondered why he was taking such an interest in me. I was also starting to seriously wonder if Jasper wasn't bisexual. I couldn't understand the lifestyle myself, but who was I to judge?

When I reached the gate I noticed Peter's truck parked off to the side. I hurried toward it and greeted him with a wave. I had no idea what his proposition could be but I hoped he wouldn't take the whole meal to get around to it. He smiled as I hopped up into the seat and we immediately launched into a discussion about the rampant use of lasix. It was a topic I felt strongly about and as we pulled away I was distracted enough to remain unaware of someone scowling towards us. It was probably best I hadn't noticed; it would have only confused me more.

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: Please leave a review or comment – they inspire me to hurry my subsequent postings!

F.Y.I.

A stall walker is a horse who walks continuously back and forth from one wall to the other. It is usually due to boredom and frustration. Sometimes the addition of a cat, goat, or sheep as company will help alleviate the problem.

Lasix is a drug used to control bleeding in a horse's lungs. Lasix can lower the horse's blood pressure. There is controversy that it is being used too much at North American racetracks – even with horses who have shown no signs of bleeding.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Once again I'm writing in the middle of the night after a long day at work. I apologize ahead of time for the errors.

-_iwtfy_-

Garrett wants to plan my coming out. He thinks it should be done in some grandiose manner in celebration of 'my escape from living a life of concealment.' _Yeah, I nearly choked when he described it that way too._ I've heard his argument many times and I've begun to question why this means so much to him. And so little to me.

There are times when I can't handle being around my best friend. Up until Bella he's been my only confidante, but I often find he's misjudged me. Or maybe he refuses to acknowledge how different we truly are. My life hasn't been hindered or broken because I haven't declared myself. _I'm barely seventeen._ I seriously doubt I've let my soul mate slip through my fingers and I sure as fuck haven't kept anyone a dirty secret. If I was straight and in the same situation, would I be proclaiming my sexuality with a button, or by wearing a shirt in _non_-rainbow colours?

It's almost as if my best friend wants to rub it into the face of straight society that I'm on _his_ team. What he doesn't understand is that it has never been about being on a certain 'team' _or_ about hiding my true self for fear of rejection or contempt. Keeping it secret was never because I was ashamed of who I was. It was about protecting my brother. A brother who didn't have a lot of career choices without a high school diploma, yet who'd been lucky enough to find a true calling – a career that he loved. A career that I hadn't wanted to derail.

Now that Emmett was working in Toronto, an environment much more open to alternative lifestyles, I've begun to feel it might be time to share this part of me with those I'm closest to. After much thought and consideration I'd started to shift away from my original plan to wait until I went away to school. I was getting restless, and spending another school year in the closet suddenly seemed stifling. I didn't like the idea of meeting someone I'd like to have a relationship with when I'd yet to be honest with my family and friends. The start of my senior year was the new deadline in the works. Next summer I'd planned to room with Emmett and work at Woodbine, and then in the fall I'll be off to university somewhere.

What Garrett didn't understand was that disclosing this information to those I'm closest to was _not_ the same as declaring "I'm gay" to everyone I meet. He wanted me to act like a débutante about to attend my coming out cotillion. _Like I said, he misjudges me. _I'm essentially a private person and I want my life to be simpler. I'd like to have a boyfriend I could love and show affection to without it being a big deal to anyone. I wish I could slip into that lifestyle without any big announcement and without having to explain myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to hide a relationship when I have one. When I fall in love I plan to walk down the street holding his hand proudly.

But.

Being gay doesn't define me.

It's obviously a part of me, but it's not _who_ I am, or _what _I am. I am so much more than what sex I'm attracted to. I have interests, aspirations, and plans outside of who I'd like to fuck next... or first would be more accurate at this point.

_If_, I accepted Peter's proposition, I was unsure if I would stick to my latest self-imposed deadline at the end of summer. I wondered what my life would be like if I opened up the proverbial closet door while still working at the Racetrack in Forks.

_Could I do that? _

_Was I strong enough?_

I'd like to think so.

-_iwtfy_-

"Dad, do you think you could take me over to Tony's this week?"

My dad was sitting in his recliner watching the local news and reading tomorrow's _Daily Racing Form_.

"Tony's, really? You wanna join?" My dad sounded like he was trying to restrain himself from showing too much enthusiasm for the idea. "How about tonight?"

_He's afraid I'll change my mind._

I looked at my watch. "Sure, if we go in the next half hour. Do I need to bring anything with me?"

He folded up the_ Form_ and pushed off to get out of his chair. "No, we'll get you signed up and Tony will give you a tour."

"I've been there before; I think we can skip the tour."

"Nope. You've been there as a guest to watch Emmett. This time you'll see everything." My father suddenly looked concerned. "Did something happen? Why the sudden interest?"

"Nothing happened. I guess I kind of missed going with Emmett and I realized maybe I'd like to give it a try." It wasn't a total lie; I was merely stretching the truth.

If I was going to come out while working at Forks Racetrack, I'd need to put a little effort into learning how to defend myself. I can't depend on Emmett's reputation to protect me and he can't afford to take time off work to make the two hour drive down the Q.E.W. to beat up some guy or guys who're threatening me.

I needed to do this for myself.

-_iwtfy_-

The next morning I was shocked to see Jasper casually leaned up against the side of our barn. If his presence this morning meant he was taking the job I was both ecstatic and dismayed. I hated the fact that he would always be a temptation that could never be anything more. Yet, being around him made me feel more... alive. It was as if he'd awakened all my nerve endings and suddenly everything felt that little bit brighter and tasted that little bit better.

I nodded to him as I walked up into the shed row. While awkwardly balancing the drink tray and box of doughnuts I'd brought, I unlocked the tack room and called out to him.

"Coming in?"

"I'm already here," his voice whispered near my ear.

I jumped and almost dumped everything. His hand reached out and caught the drink tray as it tipped precariously. My heart thundered a beat so fast I thought I'd start to hyperventilate. _Shit he's quiet! _I opened the door without acknowledging him or turning around. If I answered immediately I was sure my voice would crack and I didn't know what I'd do if I found myself face-to-face with him in my personal space. It seemed safer to talk to him from this position.

"Thanks. I uh, only bought two coffees and I'm afraid Carlisle and Fred are expecting them," I explained. "It was my day to hit Timmy's." I set the doughnut box down on a bale of hay.

"Timmy's?" Jasper asked.

I forgot he was new to Canada. I guess Tim Horton's hadn't made it as far as Florida yet. "Short for Tim Horton's. It's a coffee/doughnut shop chain. There are three in this town, four if you count the small one at the duty-free shop." I turned around and grinned at him. "If you plan to work in this barn you'll have to learn where they are."

Jasper hadn't followed me as closely; or maybe he'd moved back. Either way, there was enough distance between us that I started to breathe a little easier. My face turned its usual pink when I noticed he was still staring at me and holding the drinks. I quickly moved forward and took them from his hands, careful not to touch him.

"So what's in the third cup?"

"Huh?" My brain felt like it had turned to mush.

"You said the two coffees were for Carlisle and Fred. What's in the third cup?"

"Oh, uh. Tea." I disliked coffee with a passion.

"Tea? Like Iced Tea?"

"No, hot tea. This one is an herbal decaf." My blush darkened as I realized the drink sounded very girlish.

"You ordered an old woman's drink? Is that for you?" His grin had widened and I had to hold myself back from launching myself at him. He was beautiful, especially when his face lit up. I didn't care that he was mocking me.

I hid my smile as best I could as I responded. "Not only did I order it, but I'm going to enjoy every drop." I'm not sure where I found the bravery as I licked my lips to demonstrate just how delicious I was going to find it. "I suppose for you Yanks it would be a drink for old women, but here in Canada we have a more sophisticated palate." I tried to sound serious but I couldn't keep the corners of my mouth from turning up and I let out an exasperated huff as I walked past him.

Suddenly the tension between us was like a live wire. I almost expected him to grab me around the waist as I walked away and I was surprised when it didn't happen. Despite the fact that I could feel his eyes on me, I ignored him as I went through the routine of going into each stall to close the screens, making sure to flex my bicep as I pulled each latch closed. I wanted desperately to look over at him, but if he wasn't looking I knew I'd be disappointed. It was more fun to imagine he was following my every move.

When I heard a familiar voice talking with Jasper I chanced a quick glance over. I was aware of Carlisle standing next to him, but my eyes were drawn to Jasper's profile and I couldn't pull my eyes away. I could feel my heart beating a fast rhythm and it took every effort to walk casually toward them. Each step took tremendous amounts of control to keep my speed slow and to avoid showing just how much I was being pulled toward him. I'm sure I was failing miserably. Carlisle moved off to retrieve his coffee and Jasper turned his blue eyes back on me.

_Fuck I so want to switch places with Rosalie Hale at this moment._

As if he'd heard my thought, Jasper's smile broadened into a crooked grin and he winked... at me?

_Okay... maybe I don't want to be Rosalie. Maybe being Edward isn't so bad..._

-_iwtfy_-

Next up: Garrett and Bella make an unexpected visit to the Racetrack. Hmmm, will Garrett's gaydar be set off?

Author's note:

F.Y.I. Jasper desperately wanted to correct Edward when he called him a Yank but he had more serious problems on his hands... or maybe in his pants.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and reviews!

Congratulations to the Donver Stable whose filly Inglorious won the Queen's Plate this past Sunday!

I leave on a six week road trip with my husband and our two daughters on Wednesday night. Not sure when I'll be able to make my next post. I'll be writing as we drive so I'll try to post another chapter on the weekend. Send me some love and maybe I'll get it posted even earlier!


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Happy July 4th to my American readers! I'm in the U.S. visiting friends and my 7 year old daughter who was born on July 4th in Ohio is so excited to be going to see her first Independence Day parade this morning.

Thank you to all those who reviewed my last chapter! The reviews were awesome and I really regretted not being able to load a chapter sooner, but my unanticipated problems with connectivity while travelling prevented it. So... I have a longer than normal chapter to hopefully make up for it.

-_iwtfy_-

from chapter 6:

_Fuck I so want to switch places with Rosalie Hale at this moment._

_As if he'd heard my thought, Jasper's smile broadened into a crooked grin and he winked... at me?_

_Okay... maybe I don't want to be Rosalie. Maybe being Edward isn't so bad..._

-_iwtfy_-

It took less than a second for my mood to flip from euphoric to disappointed and I made a conscious effort to keep any emotion from showing on my face. Although I'd enjoyed being on the receiving end of Jasper's smile and wink, it was a little disbelieving that he could have meant it the way I wanted him to. I needed to remember that guys didn't flirt with me, like ever.

In my limited experience I'd only ever been hit on by one other man and that had been over our last Spring Break when I'd travelled to London with Garrett to visit some friends of his. We'd been far enough away from home, London is about a two and a half hour drive, that for once I'd been comfortable enough to allow Garrett to out me. One of his friends had flirted shamelessly with me, and while I'd enjoyed the liberating experience, he hadn't been my type. Apparently, my preference was for the more masculine variety, which meant I was more than likely to be attracted to guys who wouldn't be interested in me. Like straight men.

I switched my attention to Carlisle who was fishing a doughnut out of the box. "Is Alice coming around to take out Caius?" Caius was the only stallion in our stable and if he wasn't going out to the track I liked to get him out first.

"No, I want to give him another day. Miss Jenny, Aro, Elmer, and Finnis are going out this morning. Alice said she'd be by a little after seven and I'll see if Alec can grab a couple."

"I'll get Caius out then." We couldn't trust Caius with any of the freelance hotwalkers; I usually walked him while Fred or Carlisle mucked the stall. Ignoring Jasper I moved into the tack room to grab a shank.

"Hold on Edward." Carlisle explained to Jasper. "He's always in a rush to get the work done."

"That's right." A new voice broke in. "The _golden _boy of the Racetrack is always making us look bad. Yes! Doughnuts – score!" Fred declared when he noticed Carlisle finishing off his boston crème. Fred knew I hated the golden boy reference. We got along okay while we worked, but we had absolutely nothing in common and I had trouble keeping up any type of conversation with him. Fred was of the 'only do as much as you have to' philosophy and liked to throw out backhanded compliments in an effort to make me slow down to his speed. _Yeah, wasn't going to happen._ He was in his thirties and I think he still lived with his parents or he'd moved back. I didn't know the details because I had no interest in asking.

"Edward," Carlisle ignored Fred's comment. "Grab your drink and come talk to us. We'll get Caius out in a minute."

Knowing I wasn't going to be able to completely avoid Jasper, I reluctantly hung the shank back up on the wall and picked up my tea. I moved over toward the guys and pretended to be concentrating on peeling back the lid from my cup and blowing on the contents. I was aware of exactly where Jasper was standing and I could feel my pulse start to race as I got closer. I chose a spot next to Fred and allowed myself to take a quick glance toward Jasper. He was looking directly at me and I had to tear myself away from his stare. I wondered what he saw in my eyes. _Did he notice I had more than friendship on my mind?_

I realized I should be introducing him and I awkwardly gestured between Jasper and Fred.

"Fred – Jasper, Jasper – Fred. I assume you've already introduced yourself Carlisle?" Carlisle nodded as he sipped his coffee.

"Where you from Jasper?" Carlisle asked making conversation.

"Jacksonville," I offered, forgetting that he hadn't told me that. I kept my eyes trained on my tea as I brought it up to my mouth, trying to will my face from turning pink again.

"Actually I'm from Houston sir."

Surprised, I looked up quickly and I was relieved to see Jasper wasn't looking at me. Alice had said Rosalie had come up from Florida and I'd made the assumption that he was from there too. I wished I hadn't said anything.

Taking a quick look at Carlisle and Fred to making sure they weren't paying attention to me, I then took the time to study Jasper a little closer. He looked tired and his blue eyes looked almost grey this morning. He hadn't shaved and a pale coloured scruff had started growing on his neck and was growing slightly patchy on his cheeks. I was aching to reach out and rub my thumb across it. Carlisle, Fred, and Jasper continued to chat while I stayed silent and listened with half an ear.

_What was it about this man that had me so enthralled? _He was good looking of course, but I'd been around attractive men before and none of them has me so completely spellbound. I felt like a completely different person around him. I'm still holding out hope that by working with him every day I'll begin to lose this all-encompassing infatuation I've unfortunately developed.

From the conversation going on around me I learned a few significant facts. Jasper had experience with horses, but not race horses. Rosalie owned her own horses, had a farm in Jacksonville, and had raced her horses at Gulfstream Park and Tampa Bay Downs. This was their first trip north. Most importantly, Jasper _was_ interested in the job at Twilight and Carlisle was going to go talk to Heidi sometime today about the stalls. _Yes!_

When I'd finished my tea, I politely excused myself from the group and went to grab the shank again. I marched toward Caius' stall and took a deep breath as I gave the stallion a hardened glare.

"You don't like him?" Jasper stepped up beside me and looked into the stall at the large bay.

I was distracted with trying to psych myself up to enter the stall and I found myself more relaxed with Jasper's close proximity. "No, I don't _dislike_ him," I tried to explain. "He's difficult and I need to be in the proper mindset before I even enter his stall or he'll walk all over me."

Jasper seemed receptive to learning more so I explained what I was about to do. "He's not gelded so he's more aggressive, and I like to get him out early because then we'll be more likely to avoid walking behind a filly. If it's a fight between a 1200 lbs horse and me, who weighs in at an impressive 175, he's gonna win every time. There are however some ways to sway the odds more in my favour. You've put on a shank before?"

"The lead? Yeah, you loop it through the halter and over the nose and attach it to the halter at the bottom."

"Right. Now have you ever used a shank placed under the lip and over the gums?" This was a more severe method of leading a horse, but with Caius' history of trying to mount fillies in the shed row, it was my only choice.

Jasper shook his head and continued to stare into the stall.

"That's pretty much the only way I can walk Caius," I explained. "He's not likely to listen to a pull on the shank if it's over his nose, but if I pull on the shank when it's under his lip I have a lot better chance of gaining his attention and garnering a little respect."

Squaring my shoulders I took another deep breath and opened the stall door. I was always scared as shit to go into his stall, but I could force away the fear for a short time and put on a good act. Good enough to fool Caius. I ducked under the screen and raised my fist toward the colt and warned him to step back. It might seem extreme to outsiders, but if he was in a hostile mood a punch from my fist would hardly faze him - while _I_ could easily be seriously injured or even killed.

One time when Caius was in a particularly nasty mood he tore down the metal guard over the light bulb on the ceiling of his stall and then proceeded to chomp the light bulb into bits. He'd been trying to intimidate me and with blood dripping from his mouth it had fucking worked. I had to call Emmett that night and he talked to me about ways to deal with him. It was great having my older brother for advice because I could never tell my parents how dangerous my job really was, and my friends wouldn't understand. Last year, when a groom in another stable was killed by a kick in the head from a horse, my mom expressed concern for my safety and I found myself fudging the facts. It worked better for everyone if I kept them ignorant of the details.

Caius wasn't in a particularly violent mood this morning, so I was able to put the lip shank on him without much difficulty. When I led him toward the stall door Jasper quickly moved to open the screen for me. Caius, who was tall even for a stallion, practically dragged me through the door with his shoulders bunched and his neck curled. His head was close to my chest and his legs came up in a steady rhythm that was between a walk and a prance. He snorted a few times, probably both to announce his presence to all the fillies in the barn and to get a good whiff of who might be out walking.

We made a rapid first loop of the barn; which was another reason to get Caius out early, he was impatient with the more languid speeds of most of the other horses and we would be constantly riding someone's ass. Cutting through the middle of the barn would only work if the shed row wasn't too busy. I didn't mind Caius' speed this morning and even found myself urging Caius faster. Why? I wanted to see Jasper again. I found myself searching for him when we came back around to our side and I was disappointed when I didn't catch sight of him. I wondered when I'd see him next and I hated how I was already planning to look for him in the cafeteria.

I was startled when Jasper stepped out of Caius' stall with a pitchfork in his hand.

"Hey."

"Oh, you didn't leave!" I failed to keep my enthusiasm from my voice and I instantly turned bright red. "Uh, I mean..." I was still walking Caius and now I had already passed him with Caius dragging me forward. I gave a quick look back but Jasper had already disappeared in the stall.

My next time around I gave a little tug on the shank as we approached the stall and I brought Caius to a standstill outside his door. "Carlisle put you to work already?"

Jasper had his back to me, but he turned quickly and leaned on the pitchfork. "Carlisle said he wanted to go find another rider, and once he'd left, Fred remembered something that had to be done right away and took off down the road at the south end. I didn't want you left walking that scary mother fucker forever so..."

I snorted. _Yeah, Fred had something important to do. He's probably sitting on his fat ass somewhere._ He knew it would take Carlisle at least fifteen minutes to find Alec and probably longer. Carlisle was well liked and respected, he was sure to get stopped by a half dozen people who'd keep him talking.

"Well thanks. It was nice of you to stay and help."

"No problem. I told Rosalie I'd meet her around eight-thirty."

I had to move before I could say anything else because Caius had started to get inpatient and dragged me forward.

Fred returned minutes before Carlisle and right about the time for Caius to go back into his stall. For the first time ever I'd enjoyed every minute of walking Caius. I'd looked for Jasper on every circuit of the barn and about every third time around I'd stopped at the door of the stall and engaged him in some light conversation. Once he'd finished mucking the stall he'd leaned up against the wall and talked to me as I walked by. It would have made more sense for him to go and sit in the tack room, but there was no way I was going to point that out to him.

We'd kept to topics that didn't reveal much of a personal nature and I wondered when I could ask his age. He looked in his early twenties, but I really wasn't sure. Not that it mattered much to me. Most guys my age seemed immature and I had a hard time relating to the kinds of things they found important.

Jasper hung around and walked the next two horses for us. By the time he'd left to help Rosalie I was even more excited to have Jasper working with us. He'd worked without complaint and he was interesting to talk to. I loved listening to his accent and looked forward to hearing more of it each morning.

-_iwtfy_-

That afternoon I was scheduled to bring over Tucker's Pride for the third race. Before taking him over to the front side, he needed to be groomed and his tack cleaned. I brushed him until his coat shined, picked out his hooves, and trimmed his mane. Even though it was warm I donned my windbreaker that had the Twilight name on the back and carried the Stable's colours. Esme had made it for me and I was proud to advertise the stable because it made her happy. Fred has worked for Carlisle for years and had always refused to wear the one she'd made him. I sometimes think his low self esteem makes him vulnerable to the jeers of some of the other Track workers who were jealous of Carlisle's success.

After having Tucker ready I walked him around the shed row until the horses for the third race were called over through the loud speakers. I always felt a slight anxiety before walking a horse over for a race even though it was my favourite part of the job.

As I led my horse toward the track I nodded to a number of the other grooms who were also leading their own horses over. We walked onto the track and walked close to the rail while the horses that'd already raced passed by. Tucker was excited to be racing but he was easily manageable with a few tugs of the shank. The next part of my walk was my least favourite. Before I could reach the saddling barn and paddock I had to walk the gauntlet of racing fans who liked to think they had the right to provide commentary on your horse's prospect for the next race or even worse, those who want you to give them a tip. If you ignored them, which I invariably did, some of them would become belligerent.

The worst times were when my uncle George showed up. He's a drunk and practically lives on the streets. Sometimes he stands there with a couple friends and yells out disdainful comments about how I'm too stuck-up to give tips to my own blood relatives. I always ignore him and pretend I can't hear him. Lucky for me the gauntlet was sparse today and I made it through with only a few annoying gamblers and no embarrassing relatives.

I walked Tucker around the saddling barn, nodding to Carlisle who was waiting on Alice's valet by stall number five, which was Tucker's post position. Post positions were determined by a draw earlier in the week. I continued to walk around the saddling enclosure as we waited for all the horses to arrive. The fence around the barn was always a few feet deep with observers, especially in nice weather, but unlike out front of the grandstand, they were respectful and usually talked in whispers so as not to disturb the horses. I nodded to a few familiar faces but I mostly kept my focus on Tucker.

"Hold up," called out the groom ahead of me.

I pulled up Tucker and yelled out my own 'hold up'. Communicating when you're stopping is very important. If someone looks away for a second and the horse in front were to stop without the groom communicating it, two horses could run into each other and hooves would fly. We were stopped because the valets had started flowing into the enclosure carrying their jockey's saddles.

"Saddle-up!" The racing manager called out loudly.

I led my horse into the correct stall while Carlisle and Alice's valet Mark immediately starting preparing to saddle him. As soon as the saddle was in place and the horses with the lower post positions were ready I led him from the stall and took him out to the paddock ring. The crowds were big today around the ring and this was my favourite part of the process. The anticipation of the crowd could be felt and the energy translated back to the horses, many of whom were now prancing instead of walking. Tucker was no different and I couldn't help but smile when he started picking up his feet. I patted his neck and took a glance toward the crowd. My eyes connected with a pair of unfriendly blue eyes and I kept walking as my mind raced with uncertainty. I was too distracted by the frosty look from Rosalie to notice if anyone else I knew were nearby.

_Why did Rosalie seem to dislike me? Did she know how I felt about her boyfriend?_

A murmur whispered through the crowd and I knew the jockeys had arrived. After each race they have to go back to the jockey's room and if they are in the next race they change their silks and come right back out. Alice was most likely booked for every race. She was the top rider this year and really she belonged at a better track. Forks would probably lose her after this season. I slowed down by the tree marked with a five and turned Tucker in a tight circle. If Tucker was owned by someone other than Carlisle, the owner would be allowed in the paddock and would usually talk with the trainer and jockey at this time. Tucker was Carlisle's own horse so he was there alone with Alice who was wearing the Twilight silks. Sometimes Esme would join them, but she wasn't here today. Alice didn't need any last minute instructions, so Carlisle congratulated Alice on her win in the first race and they chatted while they waited for the signal to mount.

"Riders Up!" The race manager called and Carlisle gave Alice a leg up.

We smoothly moved forward and I led Tucker around the final curve of the parade ring while unhooking the shank from the halter. I put one hand on the reins as the trumpet sound indicating the post parade was about to begin. As soon as we entered the tunnel that leads out to the track Alice starting talking to me.

"So babyface, I heard a rumour you hired the boyfriend to get closer to the eye candy," Alice commented to me as we walked through the only area closed off from view of the public.

"I'm not interested in Rosalie," I sighed.

"Uh huh," Alice said in a very disbelieving voice. We emerged on the track side and I prepared to let go of Tucker and move away. "I'm going out to dinner with Rosalie and Jasper after work today, why don't you tag along?"

"No thanks Alice." The last thing I wanted to do was spend an uncomfortable dinner with Jasper and his girlfriend. Add in Alice with her hawk eyes and it was bound to be a lesson in embarrassment. "Good luck," I told her as I let go of Tucker's reins.

"See you in the winner's circle," Alice promised.

I stepped away and went through the gate into the grandstand. I wanted to put a few dollars on Tucker and I needed to figure out what teller would sell me a ticket. I was still a year away from reaching the legal age for gambling but there were a few I knew who never questioned my age when I used their window. I considered it bad luck not to put at least two dollars on the horse I'd walked over, especially if it was from my own stable.

"Where are ya off to in such a hurry? Jasper voice broke through my concentration.

Surprised I swung around to find him standing close behind me and I was a little shook up. Usually I was so aware of his presence that I saw him coming from a distance. "I... uh... I was going to go place a bet." "Did you want to come with me?"

Jasper nodded and I led the way toward the bank of windows. I was relieved to spot Shirley, a nice middle-aged woman who found me charming; she never asked me my age.

"Two dollars to win on number five," I managed to blurt out while I treated her to the crooked grin she seemed to like so much.

"Sure thing sweetheart," she smiled back at me as she printed off my ticket. I passed her a toonie, picked up the ticket, and thanked her as I turned back to Jasper.

"Did you need to make a bet?"

"Naw, I'm not that much of a gambler. Two dollars seems likes high stakes."

I blushed when I realized he was making fun of my bet. Tucker was currently the favourite at 6-5 odds, meaning that I would take home a whole two dollars and forty cents in profit. "I have to bet on my own horse, it's bad luck if I don't," I found myself defending my actions.

"I know," Jasper laughed. "I'm only teasing you. You get so flustered when you're embarrassed that I couldn't pass up the opportunity."

I didn't know what to make of his response. _He liked seeing me uncomfortable? _His easy smile seemed to include me, so I decided to take it as a good-spirited ribbing. As I walked away from the windows I wanted to take his hand in mine and pull him along so I quickly stuck my hands inside my pockets.

"You gonna watch the race with me?" I asked as he seemed to follow me toward the tarmac.

"I shouldn't leave Rose alone for too long, never know what guys might start thinking they can hit on her. She likes to watch up on the second level." It almost seemed as if Jasper were apologizing.

"No problem. I gotta get out front before the race starts. Can't let them break post without watching."

"More bad luck?" Jasper guessed.

"Definitely," I admitted, relieved he understood.

I slowed down when I realized he was still walking with me. It seemed like he was hesitating in parting ways even though he'd already explained he wouldn't be coming with me.

"I was standing by the fence when Alice asked if you wanted to join us for supper tonight. Why won't you come along?" Jasper asked. He was looking at me very intently and I was thankful he couldn't have overheard Alice's comment a few seconds before when she'd implied I had a thing for his girlfriend.

"I uh, I have plans with friends." I offered up the first excuse that came to mind.

"Good," Jasper remarked. "I was the one that put Alice up to asking you and I was worried you might not want to be around me."

My heart raced at his statement and the moisture in my mouth dried up. _Did he mean it the way he was making it sound? _By the look of uncertainty on his face I was positive he was trying to tell me he was interested. _What did this mean for Rosalie? Why would he want me there with his girlfriend? _I realized I had to have misinterpreted what he'd said. He wanted a friend. He's new here and maybe he wanted to get to know me because we'll be working together. I was opening my mouth to respond, not even sure what I was about to say, when the look of uncertainty and expectation on Jasper's face changed to surprise and I felt an arm thrown over my shoulder.

"Well, well, well. Who is this gorgeous man Ted?"

_Fuck. Me. Well, this should be interesting._

I shrugged off Garrett's arm, not wanting Jasper to get the wrong idea about us. Ted was Garrett's name for me when he was in a particularly flirty mood. I was surprised to see him here. He never came to the Track since he found everything here to be too unhygienic and he usually walked around wiping down any surface he was about to touch with the antibacterial wipes he carried around in his messenger bag.

I turned toward him with a death glare and reluctantly introduced them. I'd never mentioned Jasper or my unhealthy infatuation with him. I tried to warn Garrett off with a look but he was ignoring me and hadn't moved his eyes off Jasper as he unabashedly gave him a long once over from head to toe.

"Jasper this is my best friend Garrett. Garrett-Jasper. Jasper will be working for Carlisle," I cursed under my breath as Garrett licked his lips and didn't glance my way at all.

Garrett held out a limp hand to Jasper and I turned to see Jasper's reaction to my overtly gay best friend. "Jasper. It is _my_ pleasure," Garrett purred.

Jasper shook Garrett's hand and smiled back in response but his face looked a little unhappy and uncomfortable. _Was he homophobic? Shit. I guess this answers my question about whether he was interested in me __**that**__ way._

"_Friends?_" Jasper questioned.

Garrett, realizing he needed to protect my status at my workplace jumped right in. "We've been friends for years, we go to school together." He then proceeded to put his hand up to one side of his mouth as if he were about to include Jasper in some big secret. "Ted here would _love_ to date me, but I'm a little too much man for him."

I rolled my eyes at his antics and Jasper seemed to relax. _Maybe he's not so homophobic..._

"Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here?"I asked, taking a quick peek over at one of the screens to determine how much time until post. I needed to hurry if I was going to make it.

"Well your girlfriend wanted to come see where you worked. She practically kidnapped me and forced me here under duress," Garrett complained.

_My girlfriend? _Confused I was about to ask Garrett who he was referring to when Bella popped up from behind Garrett carrying a couple of drinks.

"Oh Edward, I would have brought you something but I didn't realize Garrett had found you! Did you want me to go back and get you something?"

I shook my head and turned to Jasper but I was taken aback from the look on his face. He looked so tired and distracted that I realized he probably hadn't wanted to spend so much time with a bunch of teenagers. I hastily tried to give him the opportunity to escape.

"Jasper, this is Bella," I quickly introduced them. "Guys, I gotta go. I need to be out front to watch the race. I'm still working," I held up the shank to make my point. "I'll be back over for the seventh race, look for me in the paddock and I'll talk to you then."

As I rushed off without waiting for anyone's response, I could hear Bella ask Jasper how we knew each other. The announcer called out the start of the race and I tried to forget about Jasper and my friends as I hurried outside to cheer on Tucker.

_Everything feels fucked up because that I missed the break from the post. _

_Yeah, that's the only reason I feel off because I missed the start of the fucking race. _

-_iwtfy_-

Author's note: I'm not sure about my chances to load another chapter in the next week. I'll keep writing while we travel, but I might have to hold them and load them a couple of days in a row when we cross back into Canada.

Thanks for reading and please review!

F.Y.I.

Post – the gate where the horses are loaded to start the race.

Post position – denotes the spot in the gate where they are loaded. The lower numbers are coveted and considered better post positions because they are closer to the inside and therefore have an advantage over those on the outside.

Tip – inside information on the upcoming performance of a horse.

Valet – work for several jockeys and get their equipment, silks, and tack ready. They help the trainers saddle the horses and collect their jockey's tack after the race and clean it.

Tack – refers to equipment, it could mean the bridle from the stable or the saddle from the jockey.

Silks – shirt and helmet or cap cover worn by the jockey but owned by the stable. They are traditionally made of a silk material (hence 'silks') and are in the colours representing the stable. It helps to identify the horses as they race around the track.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and unread. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Author's note: I moved two time zones across the country and I'm kind of freaked out that I'm now back living in the same town I picked to base this story. I didn't know I'd be moving back when I started the story and I haven't lived here in over twenty years. Kind of threw me off my writing. Sorry for the wait.

-_iwtfy_-

As my fists hit their mark over and over my arms started to feel like they were filled with the same sand that's in the bag. I know I'm attempting to pound out my frustration and so far it isn't working. All it's getting me is sore arms and sore shoulders.

Garrett and Bella are out clubbing tonight and while I don't actually want to be at the club with them, I would have liked some company. _Who was I kidding?_ I really want to be at dinner with Jasper. _But why would he want me at a dinner with his girlfriend?_ _Had I really been misreading his looks? I wish I had more experience so I could understand how this game was supposed to be played._

"Cullen. You need to pay attention to your technique. It's a good workout to be slamming the bag so hard, but it doesn't help you in the long run if you only get practice throwing wild punches. You'll never connect with your opponent when you give him so much time to weave."

Carmine, more commonly referred to as Anthony Junior, was the owner of Tony's gym and had stepped up behind me while I had lost myself in the workout. I'd been so preoccupied I hadn't noticed him until he'd spoken. Moving closer to the bag I tried to keep my punches straighter.

"Do you have a girlfriend Ed?"

_Not this shit again._ It always seems to come back around to that question. I redoubled my efforts to pummel the equipment.

"Nope," I breathed out. _Here comes his enlightened piece of advice._

"Too bad. You could use someone to help you relieve some of your pent up stress. You know, with your looks, there are a couple of girls from the neighbourhood I know who'd be happy to..."

"No thanks." I cut him off before he could finish.

Carmine shrugged, my tone had left him no room to argue. "Okay Ed, then how bout I set you up with a sparring partner?"

My fists dropped and I turned toward him. "I've been a member for less than a month and you want to start me sparring? Don't you think it's a little early for that?"

"Ed, you've been coming here for years. I know you like to pretend to keep your head in a book but I've seen you watching the guys. Maybe you haven't been the one training, but you have the knowledge, you're in good condition, and most importantly, I think you need it. You need to throw some punches at _someone_."

_Watching the guys, yeah that's probably true, but not for their boxing skills._ I wondered what his reaction would be if he knew the truth. I'd probably get thrown out on my ass. I turned away from him and raised my gloves up again. "No thanks. I'm not ready to spar. I'll let you know when I feel more comfortable."

"Alright pretty boy, but don't leave it too long. And remember I know some girls." He waggled his unibrow at me and I forced my face to stay neutral. A grimace was pulling under the surface to escape. "Say hi to your bro for me."

I nodded and raised up a glove as a goodbye gesture and watched as he walked away. I didn't need anyone to fix me up with girls. Finding a willing female had never been a problem; I've always had girls throwing themselves at me and dropping less than subtle hints about sex. As you can imagine, it's never been a temptation. Guys on the other hand, they _never_ hit on me. Garrett says it's because I walk around looking like I'd like to knock someone out. He says I don't give off the right _aura_ for someone to take a chance on me.

I threw my punches harder into the bag.

Until now it hadn't really bothered me.

-_iwtfy_-

The drive back over the bridge was a further test of my patience. You can never predict when traffic might move at a snail's pace when you cross the border. Okay, that's not entirely accurate. You know it's going to be bumper to bumper when First Niagara lets out after a Sabres-Montreal game, but other times heavy traffic can be totally random. I hated these slowdowns when I used to drive back with Emmett and he would always have a good laugh at my impatience. My argument had always been that the gyms on our side were just as good as Tony's and the traffic was too much of a hassle. Now here I was doing the same goddamn thing.

I wasn't sure if I chose to join Tony's because I was comfortable there or if it was because I knew it would meet with my dad's approval. Edward Sr. was forever spouting off about the benefits of boxing in the tougher neighbourhoods. He said it made you a 'man' that much faster. Well, we didn't have any tough neighbourhoods in my sleepy quiet town, but the American city five minutes across the bridge had a lot of them.

The slow down did give me the chance to weigh the decision I had to make about Peter's offer.

He'd presented me the _one_ opportunity that would tempt me into returning for another summer. You have to understand, I have a one-track mind when it comes to how I see my future. The only career I've ever been interested in was that of veterinarian. Even when I was six years old and they asked in class what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always without fail said veterinarian. No not animal doctor, _veterinarian_. Unlike most of my first grade peers I never imagined myself as a policeman, fireman or even as a race car driver. Over the years my career goals never changed, they only further evolved to a specific specialty – equine veterinarian.

So, when Peter talked to me over lunch and started to describe how his wife was tired of the endless never-ending days it took to run his practice, I had no idea it was about to be my lucky day. He hadn't yet run it by Charlotte, but Peter had proposed that I come back next summer and work full-time with him as his assistant. He wanted Charlotte to take a break and enjoy a summer off. He planned on sending her to Europe for some dream vacation she'd always harped on about. He even mentioned that he was going to pay for her sister to join her. I hadn't known Peter very well, but he seemed like a very caring husband and I figured he'd probably be a great guy to work for.

It was an opportunity I'd have to be brainless to turn down. Yet, even after spending the last twelve years in pursuit of this particular career, I couldn't help but feel the slightest bit of disappointment. _Another year in the closet. _The idea caused a sick feeling in my gut._ Would it be worth it?_ When it came time to apply for veterinary school it would look awesome on my application. _But, could I handle another year of lying? _It was a choice I was struggling with.

I wasn't giving much weight to the third option, to come out of the closet _and_ take the summer job. _I don't think I'm quite ready for that scenario._

-_iwtfy_-

The next morning I wasn't the first person in the shed row. Jasper's profile as he leaned up against the tack room door sent my heart into flutters and I cursed the fact that I was never going to get used to being around him. He greeted me with an easy smile and I found myself unable to damp down the lust that immediately spiked through me. I quickly looked away and hoped he hadn't noticed the way I was geared to respond to any interaction with him with a tightening in my pants.

"Soooo," he drawled out. "I was hoping I could talk to you alone today?"

I couldn't look at him as my hand shook while I unlocked the tack room door. _Alone? What could he want with me? What did Garrett say to him yesterday?_

I'd yet to talk to Garrett alone since he'd been introduced to Jasper. Garrett's flirtatious reaction to Jasper was... well it had me worried. I'd never competed with Garrett over another guy; I'd never been interested enough in anyone to care. But this time I realized I hadn't been okay with my best friend eyeing Jasper like a new toy. I couldn't blame him, because fuck, who wouldn't, the guy was incredibly hot. Even with the knowledge that Jasper had a girlfriend didn't keep the worry at bay. As soon as I was away from them yesterday I'd texted Garrett demanding that he keep his hands off. It was the first time I'd ever made that request of him and if the barrage of texts from Garrett last night was any sign, he wasn't going to let up without an explanation. Not wanting to deal with my overzealous best friend I haven't responded. I had a bit of a reprieve being at work today, but I knew he wasn't going to let it go another night.

A light hand curled around my bicep sending tingles up my arm and I turned to look at Jasper. He'd been waiting for me to respond, and like a total idiot my brain had wandered off.

"Uh, sure?" I shrugged, my heart racing at the continued contact with his skin. "What did you need to talk about?"

-_iwtfy_-

Another chapter should be up in a few days.

Thanks for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Author's note: This is an outtake from Garrett's POV and it is the scene where Edward introduces his best friend Garrett to Jasper.

*****iwtfy*****

I've always told lies, but there is only one that continues to haunt me.

As I approached my best friend and watched him interacting with the blonde interloper I could see his body language painting a clear picture of his interest. It's probably a good thing I couldn't see his eyes at that moment. No doubt it would only further destroy me. It was the first time I'd ever seen him react this way to anyone, and as much as I loved Edward, I couldn't keep myself from trying to throw a wrench into the works. I don't want him to find love. _I_ love him. _Why is it that can't he see that?_

I forced the name Ted from my lips even though it never fit him. I'm not sure why I did it when I knew it made him uncomfortable.

"Well, well, well. Who is this gorgeous man Ted?" I asked as I threw my arm over his shoulder in an attempt to stake my claim. I imagined Edward would be oblivious as usual to this kind of move, but from the immediate look in the blonde's eye he understood.

_He's mine asshole._

When Edward shrugged my arm off I nearly bit my tongue in half. _Fuck. _

I could feel his stare on me and I refused to acknowledge it. He had no idea the level of anger I was spiralling toward.

This may end up being the second worst day in my life.

_A bit dramatic much Garrett? _

I walked into high school with little expectation to meet anyone worthwhile. I'd known I was gay from the moment I had any cognisant thought toward sexual relations and attending a Catholic high school with a bunch of small town boys did not seem promising. Not once have I ever entertained the thought of touching a woman. Not once. No doubt they feel the same about me.

Edward confided in me later that he'd always considered himself heterosexual and only started to realize he wasn't the summer before high school. In the ninth grade I sat two rows behind him in history class. The first time I spied him he literally took my breath away. Since _he_ hadn't noticed me until sophomore year, he thinks to this day that my 'gaydar' picked up his sexual orientation within minutes of meeting. What a joke! I studied Edward like an obsession for ten months our freshman year and I was still slightly uncertain about my instincts. When I first saw him he was this skinny, shy kid with beautiful green eyes and this wild reddish-brown hair who sometimes appeared so serious I could only wonder with awe about what he could be contemplating.

I didn't see him over the summer between the ninth and tenth grade. My mom had sent my sister and I to go visit our aunt in cottage country for the entire break. While there I met Sean from Montreal and we'd had some 'fun' over the summer. But, cute as Sean was, even he couldn't make me forget about Edward. By the time Labour Day drew around I was in some serious Edward sightings withdrawal. On the ten hour drive back home I hardly spoke and even my self-absorbed sister commented on this highly unusual behaviour. It was during that drive that I set up my plan.

One - I was going to talk to Edward.

Two - I was going to make friends with him.

Three - I was going to make him fall for me.

_I know, very ambitious and not very realistic of me when the guy didn't even know my name. _

In the tenth grade I knew I had my work cut out for me. He'd grown like four inches over the summer and had filled out some. He was still slim, but now he looked fit, stronger. More delicious on the eyes. I hadn't grown at all, except maybe more snarky. _Definitely out of my league._

Still, I carried on with my plan with determination. I was happy to note that none of the gossip from the summer's happenings ever related any sort of hook-up between Edward and anyone of _either _sex. I remained positive that I still had an outside chance and took the opportunity in our first conversation to be bold and tell him I knew he was gay. I figured I didn't have anything to lose. Either he wasn't and I wouldn't have had a chance anyway, or he was, and I could then be one of the few people in his confidence. It wasn't like my saying something like this would ruin my rep. It was obvious to anyone within seconds, no matter one's gaydar sensitivity, what way _I_ swung. And, after observing him for so long, I was pretty sure I knew the truth.

It worked! It couldn't have been more perfect if I had written the script. Since I was actually the only one who knew his secret, Edward and I quickly became friends. I wasn't surprised by how much I enjoyed his company. He was thoughtful, passionate, and so, so smart. Our friendship quickly grew and he never seemed to notice the whispers that had begun to start circulating about his possible sexual orientation. Each time he rejected the latest slut to throw herself at him, gossipy tongues would wag and eyes would roll toward me. I have to admit his loyalty to our friendship and his indifference to the rumours gave me hope. Probably hope that I hadn't had any right to hold onto.

The first two parts of my plan had gone off without a hitch, but I quickly found that the last part was not going to happen so easily. Edward only considered me a friend. He didn't see _me_ that way. After our 'practice' kiss I realized I'd tried to move the relationship along too quickly. His lips meeting mine was like heaven, and I had wanted to crawl up his body and tear his clothes off. But when he pulled away, it was obvious he hadn't had the same response and I quickly covered up the difference in our feelings.

I was crushed.

I was devastated.

I was so shattered I almost couldn't pick myself back up. It was then I'd realized that the last part of my plan was going to need a lot more work.

It was then that I lied through my teeth and put on the performance of my life.

That one kiss was still the single best experience of my life.

_Maybe if I can hook up with the blonde I can ruin him for Edward and at the same time make Edward jealous..._

Nausea rolled through my stomach as I realized what I was about to do. Edward deserved so much better than me.

"Jasper this is my best friend Garrett. Garrett-Jasper. Jasper will be working for Carlisle." Edward introduced us and I took a good look at this _Jasper_ while I seductively licked my lips. It was easy to put a look of desire in my eyes by shifting the intensity from my anger to look like want.

Unfortunately, since this was the first time I'd ever seen Edward interested in someone, I could now see what his preference was. _Edward_ was attracted to alpha males. My spirits deflated as I contemplated how this could impinge upon our future together. I was so not going to be able to pull off shit like that. You can't fake that stuff.

_How the fuck would that even work? I can't see Edward being anything but a top and this Jasper dude is so not a bottom. Maybe I should let it play out and he would then realize how perfect I am for him?_

I held out my hand to Jasper and tried to convey with my body language how far I was willing to go. As soon as Edward was gone I'd make my move. _One of these restrooms should have a big enough stall for a blowjob. _

"Jasper. It is _my_ pleasure." _I'm such a fucking liar. _

_Sorry Edward, but I'm not ready to give up on you yet._

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

This is the continuation of Edward's POV from chapter 8. Thanks to all those who voted! I loved getting each and every response!

-_iwtfy_-

_A light hand curled around my bicep sending tingles up my arm and I turned to look at Jasper. He'd been waiting for me to respond, and like a total idiot my brain had wandered off. _

"_Uh, sure?" I shrugged, my heart racing at the continued contact with his skin. "What did you need to talk about?"_

I forced myself to stay calm as I looked him in the eye, barely keeping myself from shaking under the intensity of his gaze. _What the fuck? Why is he looking at me that way? _It hadn't escaped my notice that he hadn't let go of my arm yet. There was a charge in the air and I had the urge to see what his reaction would be if I stepped a little closer and lowered my lips to his. My cheeks turned warm from the idea of kissing him and I knew I was probably blushing again. _I'm like a fucking girl around him._

"If you don't mind I'd rather talk alone without interruption. How 'bout lunch? Got any plans other than reading?" As always his voice was calm and collected. Like our skin touching each other wasn't affecting him in the same way it was for me. _Of course he isn't. To him you're just some young guy he's working with. He probably wants to talk about the job._

"Good morning boys," Carlisle's cheerful voice broke through the moment and Jasper dropped his hand from my arm.

"Morn'n boss," Jasper drawled and stepped back. He didn't take his eyes off me and I was growing disconcerted from his attention.

Forcing myself to look away I finally got the lock unbolted and pulled the door open with a sigh. "Morning Carlisle."

We all moved into the room and Carlisle put down the tray of drinks he was carrying. Jasper sauntered over like he'd been working here forever and picked up a cup from the tray. "Coffee," he mumbled. "Purrrfect." He then picked up another cup and brought it over to me. This being Jasper's first day, I was pleased Carlisle had remembered to bring an extra cup.

Pretending I hadn't been interested in what he was doing, I stood facing the clipboard with the day's training list. It was hard to focus and read the words when I was really watching Jasper from my peripheral vision. When he thrust the cup in front of me I grasped it in my hand to take it from him but not without letting my fingers graze his. I was hoping he'd think it was an accident. I really shouldn't have done it. Not if I didn't want him to know my true orientation.

_And now I need to make an adjustment. _I stood still ignoring how uncomfortable I'd become, glad that jeans were the normal attire for this kind of job. There was no way I would have been able to hide my reaction if I were sporting my school uniform.

"Thanks," I responded, immediately turning back to the clipboard and again feigning interest in the written words in front of me.

"So Ted," Jasper began. I bristled immediately, I hated being called Ted and it sounded even worse coming from Jasper. "Your friends... they seem a little younger than you?"

"Please don't call me Ted. Garrett does that to get under my skin. I prefer Edward." I was avoiding the question. If I tell Jasper I'm only seventeen, would that make a difference? Would he think I'm too much of a kid to hang around? At this point I was desperate for any amount of time with him.

"Ed_ward_," Jasper said while sounding like he was smirking. I chanced a glance at his face to see. _Yeah, he was finding this amusing. _"You didn't answer my question."

"A little younger." It was the truth, sort of. Garrett's birthday was a week later than mine and Bella was still sixteen. I think she had a fall birthday. So, yeah, I didn't lie, but I knew he hadn't meant our exact birthdays. _Don't ask my age. Don't ask my age. _

I flipped the tab on the lid of my tea and tried to appear nonchalant, like I hadn't just tried to deceive him. I wanted desperately to ask him _his_ age, but it wasn't worth the risk that he'd then realize I'd never given mine. Instead I took a quick gulp of tea and the hot liquid burned my tongue. I winced as I tried to hold back the assault of swearing I wanted to belt out. _At least this will distract me from Jasper for a few minutes._

He must not have noticed my discomfort because he continued on with the questions."How long have you and Bella been together?"

_Together? Did he mean... like girlfriend/boyfriend together? _

I looked over to see if Carlisle was listening in on the conversation. He was standing in the doorway to the tack room, his back to us, probably enjoying his coffee and watching the morning traffic as it rolled in.

"Well, I've known Bella for a couple of months now, but we aren't what you would call _together_."

"She isn't your girlfriend?"

_Hell no!_ _Where did he get that idea?_

"Uh-no? I don't have a... I'm not in a relationship. Why would you assume that?"

My mind was rapidly trying to recall if yesterday Bella had touched me in some way that would give him that impression.

"Yesterday, Garrett called her your girlfriend," Jasper responded. His voice sounded funny, almost as if he were grinding his teeth. I glanced up at him and was surprised to see he looked angry.

_Ohhh. _I hadn't even noticed when he'd called her that. It was so typical Garrett that I hadn't stopped to think how it might have sounded to an outsider. I smiled thinking about the mixup. It was possible that Garrett had slipped up in his affections, but now that I'd had the chance to review I was pretty sure he'd subtly or not so subtly been trying to remove me from the equation. Probably he had some designs on Jasper, and in the off chance Jasper was gay and available he wanted his way to be clear.

Thank God I'd had the inspiration to text Garrett to keep his hands off. _He did keep his hands off, right? _The smirk I'd been sporting quickly slipped off my face as I further considered the whole interaction. _It was crazy, Garrett would never... no I didn't have anything to worry about. _I shook my head at the way my insecurities were now causing me doubt my best friend. Garrett would have understood how 'different' this request was from me and he'd never break my trust like that. I was an ass for being so distrustful.

"That's just Garrett. He loves to add labels like that. All his friends that are girls are automatically categorized as 'girlfriends' but in a totally platonic way because there's no chance..." _Jasper had realized Garrett was gay right?_ "...well, because Garrett's kind of..." _How do I explain this? _I was floundering and I didn't know why. I knew rationally that being friends with someone gay didn't automatically mean everyone would jump to the same conclusion about me. Yet, I suddenly felt like I'd be lying about myself if I only declared Garrett as gay and failed to out myself.

Jasper seemed to catch on about what I was suggesting about my best friend and probably felt embarrassed about where the topic was heading. "I think I know what you're getting at." His anger had subsided, but it now seemed as if _he_ was anxious to change the subject as quickly as possible. His mood swings were giving me whiplash and I felt like I was missing important information. "So how was your night out? Garrett mentioned they were going to some clubs."

I'd forgotten that I'd used my friends as my excuse for not going to dinner last night. _Did Garrett happen to mention what kind of club they were going to? Fuck! I feel like I'm flying blind here. What was Jasper thinking if he thought I'd gone out to a gay club? I should have fucking manned up and responded to Garrett's texts last night._

"I didn't go. I wasn't up for what Garrett had in mind and I instead decided to work out at the gym and go home to bed. Maybe I should have gone out to dinner with you guys after all." I tried to keep my actual level of disappointment absent from my voice. I doubt I was very successful.

"I wish you had," Jasper responded in a regretful tone that actually matched my mood pretty closely. He then tossed his cup in the garbage can and headed toward the tack room door.

I watched him walk away without a backward glance and I felt thoroughly confused. Desperation forced my hand and I pulled out my phone. I was willing to break one of my rules for the first time ever if it could shed any light on the conversation that'd just occurred. Before I said anything else to Jasper I needed to find out what happened yesterday after I'd walked away. There was no way Garrett or Bella would be up at this ungodly hour, especially after clubbing, but hopefully Garrett left some sort of clue in his texts.

*****iwtfy*****

B.T.W. I'd written the Jasper outtake last summer when I was trying to wrap my head around his next conversation with Edward. It is over 4,000 words, so it will be a nice way to wrap up some lingering questions at the end of the story.

Thanks for reading!


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

-_iwtfy_-

_I watched him walk away without a backward glance and I felt thoroughly confused. Desperation forced my hand and I pulled out my phone. I was willing to break one of my rules for the first time ever if it could shed any light on the conversation that'd just occurred. Before I said anything else to Jasper I needed to find out what happened yesterday after I'd walked away. There was no way Garrett or Bella would be up at this ungodly hour, especially after clubbing, but hopefully Garrett left some sort of clue in his texts._

Powering up my phone I wasn't surprised to see the number of unread texts from my best friend had reached fifteen. He tended to get very fired up over the littlest thing and I probably shouldn't have ignored him. I started at the earliest.

-2:55 p.m. Awww E why can't I play with him? He's soooo hot!

My hands started sweating as I tapped to open the next one.

-3:04 p.m. Did you know he's a smoker? Just saying

_Fuck I know. It would be a huge stumbling block if he didn't have the even bigger roadblock of a girlfriend._

-3:15 p.m. Please tell me why I have to stay away? I'm dying here

-3:20 p.m. Geez. Just met Rosalie the Ice Queen Bitch. Incredible genes in that family!

_Were they still with Jasper a half hour later? And who the hell cares if Rosalie is good looking? _It burned me that he had to remind me of how attractive Jasper's girlfriend was.

-3:32 p.m. Are you ignoring me?

-3:40 p.m. Ok, Ok. I know you're working, but give me a shout when you're done

-5:20 p.m. E?

-5:45 p.m. Ted?

-5:49 p.m. What the fuck? Why are you ignoring me?

-6:30 p.m. CALL ME!

-9:23 p.m. Knock, knock

-9:24 p.m. Who's there?

-9:28 p.m. Well certainly NOT my best friend who demands a huge favour and then fucking disappears without so much as a THANK YOU***

-1:22 a.m. E?

-4:37 a.m. ?

I shook my head. _Nothing useful from that load of crap._ So I hadn't talked to him last night; it was ridiculous for him to overreact so much. Sometimes he acted like I was his boyfriend not his best friend.

Bella had also sent me a message. She was hardly ever one to text so I read it in hopes it might hold a clue as to what transpired after I left.

-11:06 p.m. Edward, please talk to Garrett, he's driving me crazy!

Okay so no answers there. I guess I'm going to have to wing it through lunch. I quickly typed out a response before shutting my phone back down.

-What are you my girlfriend now? I went to Tony's after work and didn't want to get hit with expense roaming costs so I didn't turn on the phone. When I got home I was fucking exhausted from being up at FIVE AM. Were you drunk texting me last night? Call me when you get up fuckhead.-

*****_iwtfy_*****

To my relief the weird vibe Jasper had been giving off in the tack room this morning disappeared and the rest of the morning went by quickly. _Too_ quickly. I had no idea what Jasper would want to talk about at lunch and I was extremely nervous I'd say or do something to make him uncomfortable.

I was also relieved to find that he fit in perfectly within our crew and we worked together like we'd been doing this for years. He was a much harder worker than Fred and I found us flying through the chores, even with a lot of talking. Our conversation again ran effortlessly and while we didn't like the same sports, I found that we seemed to have similar tastes in books and movies. This time it was me mucking the stalls and I was pleased to find Jasper initiating most of the conversation. Much like I had done yesterday, he was keeping the banter going by stopping at the stall door every couple of turns of the shed row. I was able to keep my ogling to a minimum if I ran a constant chant through my head about how he was straight. It was a difficult balance when he honestly seemed interested in getting to know me better.

He disappeared later in the morning to help out Rosalie and I noticed that time then seemed to slow down to a crawl. As I walked Caius to cool down after his workout I looked to see if I could see Jasper working in the barn next door. The first few times around I was disappointed, but then I caught sight of him chatting with Rosalie as they washed the mud off a horse's legs and I wished I hadn't. His girlfriend was smiling up at him and he appeared to be laughing at something she'd said. It was silly but I felt let down even though I knew I had no right. They looked so fucking cozy and comfortable together. I'd learned my lesson and for the rest of Caius' walk I kept my eyes to my own barn.

"Edward?" Carlisle called me a half hour later when I was in Tucker's stall picking out his feet.

I came out to the shed row so Carlisle could find me and raised my eyebrow up at him in question.

"Are you busy? Can you come here for a minute?"

I nodded to him, bolted the stall door behind me, and walked toward him. He was standing with Alice and one of the exercise riders we used regularly.

"We're heading out for lunch at New Moon; Esme is going to meet us there. We'd like to treat you and Fred and Jasper to lunch. Can you find out if Jasper is able to join us?"

"Okay, I'll go check and meet you at the restaurant."

I was equal parts annoyed and relieved. Often times Carlisle liked to have a 'staff lunch' on one of the race days, but he usually gave us more notice. I should have of realized he'd pick today since it was the only day this week he didn't have a horse running in an early race. Hopefully Jasper doesn't think I'm trying to avoid talking with him.

As I walked away, I glanced down at my watch to see the time. It was only quarter past eleven and I knew immediately there wasn't a chance in hell Garrett would be up if he had still been texting me at four in the morning. I didn't bother powering up my phone to check. As I approached the Eclipse Stable I looked up and down the shed row for the now familiar golden blonde hair. Of course, Rosalie's is a very similar shade. _I guess it could be true how sometimes couples start to resemble each other. I wonder if he was unconsciously attracted to someone so like himself, or if she maybe dyed it to that shade? _

When I heard a laughter coming from Heidi's tack room I headed in that direction and found Heidi chatting with a few of her crew and a couple of jockeys. Not meaning to interrupt them I started to move on.

"Edward!" Heidi shouted.

I backed up and poked my head in again.

"Are you looking for Jasper?"

I tried to maintain a natural reaction to the question but I could feel a flush climbing up my neck.

"Yeah, have you seen him?"

"He said you might come looking for him and asked me to let you know he's walking Rosalie over to the cafeteria and he'll meet you in the parking lot."

"Oh, okay. Thanks Heidi."

"My pleasure handsome," Heidi responded with a suggestive wink and a couple of the women twittered at her behaviour.

I escaped from her stable as fast as I could without running. I've had a few run-ins with Heidi, and believe me, I do not want to be caught in an empty stall with her again. I wondered if she'd given Jasper any trouble and I could feel my hands curling into fists. Then I remembered Rosalie and I realized Heidi was their problem to deal with. I shoved my hands into my pockets trying to ease past the unexpected pain I started to feel.

_He's not mine to worry about._ I reminded myself.

_God but I wish he was._

When I got to the cafeteria I spotted them immediately. They'd be hard to miss anywhere, but here they stood out like a couple of trilliums popping up amongst the weeds in an old lot. I couldn't hear an argument, but I could see a certain tension in Jasper's stance as he stood in front of his girlfriend, and one would have to be a moron to miss Rosalie's look of anger and the unmistakable way her pointed finger kept bouncing off Jasper's chest.

Unsure of whether to approach them while in the throes of some sort of dispute, I paused in the doorway and waited to see what would happen next. When Rosalie's diatribe appeared to end, Jasper leaned over and gave her a kiss on the forehead. She swiped at him in an annoyed gesture that didn't entirely lack affection. He surprised me by looking over and catching my gaze before he'd even straightened up. The grin he shot me looked genuine and caused my insides to feel all twisted. I wondered how he could look so light-hearted and happy so quickly after a fight with his girl.

I headed back outside to wait for him and he appeared almost immediately at my side.

"Ready to go Edward?" he asked.

"Uh, well, actually there is a slight change of plans," I conceded with a bit of a wince as I shifted from one foot to the other. "Carlisle is insisting on having us join him and Esme, his wife, for lunch at the New Moon Cafe." The look of disappointment that crossed Jasper's face had me scrambling to elaborate. "He does this every week, treats his staff to lunch, but I hadn't realized it would be today until he sprung it on me only a few minutes ago. I'm really sorry, maybe we can talk over lunch tomorrow?"

Jasper shook his head and my stomach dropped. I'd been a little relieved to put off the conversation, but I hadn't wanted it to not happen at all.

"I'm afraid I'm not going to wait for tomorrow. How about we ride together in my truck? You'll have to give me directions and we can talk on the way."

I nodded in agreement as I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Where'd you park?"

"Over in the C lot by the south gate."

The walk to Jasper's truck was awkward. Neither one of us spoke and I was careful to maintain some space between us. Whatever Jasper wanted to talk to me about had my nerves tied up tight and the fact that he wasn't even attempting small talk was starting to concern me. _Was this it? Was he going to say we couldn't even be friends? _After the argument I'd just witnessed, and yesterday having been treated to Rosalie's cold glare; I was starting to fear her influence more than any information Garrett could have spilled.

When we reached a big shiny black Silverado Jasper popped the locks and waited for me to hop up into the passenger seat. He shut the door for me and trotted around to the driver's side. Trying to mask my nervousness, I took a quick shuddering breath before he got in. Deciding I needed something to occupy me or I was going to start pulling at my hair, I got out my phone and turned it on. His cab smelled like a mixture of mint, hay, and mud. I was both surprised and relieved that the cigarette smell was faint, it smelled as if he didn't smoke in the truck itself.

Having noticed him moving so quickly around the car to the driver's side door, I was stunned to see him pause with his grip on the door handle and drop his head. He looked about as nervous as I felt. When he finally pulled it open I quickly averted my eyes back to my phone pretending not to have noticed.

_Christ. What could possibly have him so shook up? _

He quickly sat in the driver's seat and shut the door. A wave of his scent, a mix of mint and coffee and horses floated over to me and I took a second to inhale it, turning away from him as I closed my eyes. The truck started and the radio came on blasting. Jasper's hand shot out to turn it down.

"Sorry 'bout that," he apologized.

I waved it off and I don't think he even noticed.

"You gonna direct me as I drive?" He asked gruffly.

"Sure," I said. "Take the Thompson Rd. Exit and turn right heading toward downtown." I know my voice sounded a little shaky and I gripped my phone tighter as I tried to calm myself.

_I'm in Jasper's truck. Alone with him. It's a fucking miracle I'm not pulling my hair out by my roots._

"So I uh have somethin to confess and I'm just gonna to start rambl'n. Could ya possibly wait till I'm done before ya ask yer questions?"

When he took a second to glance at me I nodded with encouragement.

"I've wanted to tell ya from the start, but I've kinda got myself in a situation I never expected. My sister married a man a few years ago and he turned out to be an evil fucker. I'm not gonna get into those details, they're hers to reveal herself. Suffice to say she's divorced him, but he's been stalking and harassing her. Due to the way he's treated her, she's understandably a little wary of men. Since I'd graduated in May and hadn't yet made any solid plans, our father convinced me to accompany her up here for her protection so she can live further away from her ex. Somewhere along the way Rose got the bright idea to start telling people I was her boyfriend. I think she felt it would be a more effective way to keep from getting hit on and from having some of the women asking too many questions. Where do I turn?"

_She's his sister? _I was stunned. This conversation wasn't what I was expecting at all. "Uh, turn left up ahead, it's only a block down the street on the left. Can I ask a question now?" I interrupted softly.

"Sure."

"Why are you telling me? I mean it's not like I've been questioning your relationship?"

"Ya would have had every right to question it. Look I'm not gonna to beat around the bush. I'm gay and I haven't been in the closet since high school, but I realize this place is a few decades behind in diversity and political correctness. When I met your friend yesterday I realized you wouldn't be judgmental about my orientation so I decided you'd be safe to tell. I like you and I like to think I'm a good judge of character. I feel like I could trust you to keep my secret if I asked ya. You deserve to know the truth. You've gone out of your way to welcome me and got me a job. I feel like we've already become friends. I didn't want to have this lie hanging over us."

_He's gay? Seriously, did I hear that right?_ I felt like giggling. "Is that what you and Rosalie were arguing about in the cafeteria? She didn't want you to tell me?"

"Ya saw that did ya. She dosen't want me to let out our secret. Look, she's feeling pretty vulnerable right now. She thinks I'm gonna... Is this the place?"

I looked around in confusion as we drove right past the restaurant. "Oh yeah, sorry I totally forgot. You can take the next corner and park in the alley behind the restaurant." I was getting even more jittery knowing there might be some possibility he might actually _like me_, like me. Some of those looks he'd been throwing to me were suddenly easier to understand. _Does he suspect I'm gay too. Do I tell him? What do I say?_

"Right here. New Moon is the blue building. I'm sure everyone is here already. Carlisle can park his truck right next to the barn so it wouldn't have taken them as long to drive here." I was rambling and in a hurry to escape the truck. I felt like my mind was working overtime and I had so many things to consider.

"Okay. Well thanks man for listen'. It's nice to have finally confided in someone. I trust that you won't say anything to anyone?" Jasper looked over at me as he turned off the truck.

I shook my head. "No," I responded quietly. "I won't tell a soul. I'm sorry about your sister. No one should have to deal with something like that."

Jasper reached over and put his hand on my arm and I could feel an electric spark tingling from where it rested. Suddenly I couldn't remember why I'd been in such a hurry to get inside. "Thanks Edward. I hope I haven't made you too uncomfortable?"

"Not at all," I responded and I suddenly realized I was going to share with him too. I rubbed my hands across my thighs to wipe off the sweat. "I'm gay too."

*****_iwtfy_*****

Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_Jasper reached over and put his hand on my arm and I could feel an electric spark tingling from where it rested. Suddenly I couldn't remember why I'd been in such a hurry to get inside. "Thanks Edward. I hope I haven't made you too uncomfortable?"_

_"Not at all," I responded and I suddenly realized I was going to share with him too. I rubbed my hands across my thighs to wipe off the sweat. "I'm gay too."_

_I'm gay too. I'm gay too? _I wanted to start knocking my head against the truck's console_. Why the fuck did I say that? _It had sounded okay in my head before I'd said it, but then all wrong once the words were let loose in the air. _You stupid idiot Edward, why don't you just throw yourself at the man it would have been more subtle. He didn't fucking ask if your orientation now did he? Oh God, he's going to think I'm a real asshole. _Humiliated by what I now considered a juvenile outburst, my entire being protested as I pulled my arm out from under his hand and opened the door. Ignoring all the objections my body was throwing at me, I slipped out the door as fast as I could, hoping against hope that he wouldn't call attention to what I'd said.

I took an unsteady breath as my feet landed on the ground and I wondered how in the hell I was going to handle this intense of an attraction without making myself look like the inexperienced virgin I was. So far it wasn't going so well.

"We should get going, everybody will be waiting," I mumbled, barely loud enough for Jasper to hear. I couldn't shake the burning embarrassment I was feeling.

My hand was on the door preparing to shut it when I heard what sounded almost like a moan. I hesitated for a split second in surprise.

"Edward?" Jasper called out.

I considered pretending I hadn't heard him and almost shut the door without responding.

"Edward, would you get back in here for a minute." This time Jasper's voice sounded vaguely exasperated.

With my stomach twisted in knots and my face flaming in embarrassment, I slid back up into the passenger seat unsure of what I would be facing and somewhat surprised at how little I'd hesitated upon his request. I glanced at Jasper out of the corner of my eye and I could see he was staring intently at me. _Stop acting like a fucking head case and see what he wants!_

Forcing myself to face the situation I'd built out of my own sudden lack of filter I locked eyes with Jasper. He was sporting a smirk on his face and a look in his blue eyes that appeared entirely too cheerful. _Could it be possible that he was happy to hear what I'd confessed? Or was he smiling in amusement at my adolescent declaration._

"Why so quick to escape? I thought we were having a conversation that had suddenly turned _pretty_ interestin'. At least from my perspective…"

I shrugged, unable to speak through my mortification. I had no idea what to say. My tongue felt like it was filled with cement and my mouth had dried right up.

The look in his eyes softened and his next words were almost whispered. "I know you're not usually open about being gay. I've asked around about you at the Track and no one gave the slightest hint or suggestion that you might be anything but straight."

_He'd asked about me? What did he ask exactly? My God, what if this got back to Emmett?_

My eyes must have shown the panic I was feeling because Jasper shook his head at me and immediately tried to assuage my fears.

"Don't worry," he chuckled. "I didn't go around asking everyone if you were gay. I simply asked questions about you _and _Carlisle under the premise that I had been offered a job and I needed to find out more about my prospective employers before I accepted the position."

"Premise?"

"I didn't need to find out more about you as an employer, I was going to take the job anyway. It was more like an attempt to diminish my level of curiosity," he explained. "Did you know that it isn't just Fred who calls you the 'Golden Boy'? Although, it's decidedly different when it's coming from the others; more of an endearment out of genuine respect for your work ethic. By the way, I was really close to slugging him yesterday when he called you that."

_He wanted to know more about me? He wanted to hit Fred in my defense over a simple jeer? _Suddenly I was a lot less embarrassed and a lot more nervous. I wasn't ready to 'come out' yet and this isn't how I pictured my first relationship starting. _This was headed that way, right? I mean, I'm not reading the wrong signals? _

Yet, despite all the reasons why I shouldn't, I _knew_ I would take whatever was offered. I wanted him, and even the idea of a chaste kiss already had me hard as steel. I shifted in my seat as I suddenly wished I could adjust myself without being noticed. _Why do I react to him this way? _When I couldn't take it anymore I looked away, wishing I had enough courage to put my hand on _his_ arm this time.

Suddenly it was Jasper who seemed in a hurry to exit the truck. He shifted away from me and then turned to make one last comment. My eyes quickly returned to his and I tried to mask my disappointment. I felt the sudden space between us very keenly and I wrapped my arms around myself to keep from trembling in frustration. _I was reading too much into his words wasn't I? _

"I'm sorry. Here I am unloading on you again and obviously my forwardness is making you a little uncomfortable. What I had wanted to say was thank you: for giving me a job; listening to me unload about my stupid fucking situation; and then for sharing something so personal with me." Before I could think of a response he'd hopped out of the truck and shut his door with slam.

_First curiosity, now forwardness?_ I watched in confusion as he walked off toward the restaurant without looking back and I tried to make head or tail of everything that had just transpired. _Why did he just leave? _Then it finally hit me. I'd sat there like a doofus hardly saying a word while he had a one-way conversation with me. _I need to fix this!_

Throwing open the door, I nearly fell out of the truck as I rushed to correct any misconceptions I might have instilled from my lack of response.

"Jasper!" I cried out, hoping he'd slow down and let me catch up before he reached the side door of the restaurant. _What are you going to do Edward? What are you going to say?_

To my relief he his steps stopped and I was able to jog up to him with ease. When he turned to look at me his expression was guarded but pleasant. That wasn't good enough. I wanted him to _really_ look at me. I wanted there to be no mistake how I was feeling. _Besides lustful and confused, what exactly am I feeling?_

"I…I…" I stuttered as I tried to move my tongue to form the words I wanted to say. "I… fuck it; I hope I'm not getting this wrong."

I took a solid step closer and moved into his personal space. Using both my hands on each side of his face I pulled him in closer and placed my lips to his. The feel of stubble in my palms caused my heart to thump with anticipation. His lips were soft but firm, and while I wanted so much more I kept my lips closed, waiting and praying that he would respond. I had a horrific moment of fear when I felt him freeze and I'd thought I'd made a huge error, but as I was about to step back and offer an apology I felt the corners of his mouth turn up and his lips began to respond. The corners of my own mouth curved upwards and I nearly melted into him. My heart beat picked up even faster and it felt as though it could burst out of my chest at any moment.

The kiss took a turn away from sweet when his tongue snaked out across my lips and I opened my mouth eager for more. My head began to spin as electricity sparked from so many nerve endings across my body and the feel of his tongue in my mouth had me making sounds that I doubt I'd ever made before. I marveled at how good he tasted and I opened my mouth even wider pushing my tongue further into his mouth. I shifted my hands off his cheeks and into his hair gripping him tighter to me, and his hands came up to my hips and tugged me closer. We both groaned as our erections came into contact for the first time and I clearly felt my attraction definitely wasn't one sided. Fuck it felt good moving against him.

When we stopped to take a breath neither of us shifted even an inch apart and I could feel my face had split into a huge open smile. I reveled in the moment when his smile mirrored mine and realizing I still had a tight grip on his hair I eased up. Not wanting to lose any contact with him I slid my hands down to his sides. Suddenly I was aware that we weren't exactly in a private location and I felt my smile fade as I gave a quick glance around to see if we'd been observed. Jasper let go of my hips and shifted out of my embrace and I found my body protesting the space between us.

"No one saw us, but we should head inside," Jasper said with a rough voice as he broke the silence between us.

I studied his face trying to read his reaction and to my relief I didn't see any hint of regret. I was still giddy with excitement over what I thought was the hottest kiss possible. Forget the fact that I've only had one to compare it to. If we'd had any choice I would have proposed heading back to his truck to make out instead.

He grabbed my hand and gave it a quick squeeze of reassurance and then let it go.

"We'll talk later," he offered and I was relieved by the suggestion.

As we began walking toward the restaurant, our arms brushing together every second step, I wondered how I'd be able to keep from my feelings for Jasper under wraps as we sat with all the others.

_How the hell was I going to eat?_

*****_iwtfy_*****

**Hmmm, Edward. Too distracted to notice that Jasper's breath didn't taste like cigarettes?**

I have an extremely busy week coming up, so it will probably be a little over a week before I can post the next update. Don't worry I'm not disappearing again. I'll be back posting twice a week in February.

Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

A/N: Okay, so I couldn't stay away even though I'm ridiculously busy this week. I won't have time to respond to all the wonderful reviews, but please know I loved and appreciated every one of them!

This one was written really late, I'm sure there will be an even higher number of mistakes than usual!

*****_iwtfy*****_

My thoughts flew from one aspect of the encounter to another. I was afraid of setting myself up for something that was out of reach, yet at the same time my optimistic side couldn't help but let the euphoria of the moment feed my soul. On the inside I felt like a completely different man, yet on the outside nothing had changed.

I walked ahead of Jasper leading him to where I knew the others would be already seated. Aching to reach back and take his hand and be damned with what anyone would think, I had to stop and remind myself of all the reasons why that would be a bad choice. There was so much standing in the way of what I wanted; between the possibility for violence and disrespect in our workplace, the fact that I hadn't been honest with my family, or even Jasper's responsibility for his sister, it didn't seem likely that I could show my true feelings in front of anyone else anytime soon. Nevertheless, there were several reasons I still had a smile on my face.

_His sister._ _Rosalie is his __**sister**__. _

_I kissed a man and I liked it. __**A LOT**__. _I couldn't wait to do it again, even if it had to be behind closed doors.

I was having a hard time believing it had all been real.

I muffled my sigh at the recollection of the heat that had generated so quickly between us and I couldn't help but glance back at him. Jasper's eyes, which had been looking decidedly lower a half second prior, immediately zeroed in on mine and he smiled somewhat… _apologetically?_ _Had he been checking out my ass? _At that thought my cock, which had softened slightly since the parking lot, gave a quick twitch in my jeans. When I turned back around I was unable to avoid another customer's foot and I tripped and stumbled. Jasper let out a small chuckle behind me as I mumbled out an apology. Forcing my attention back to navigating through the tables, I tried in vain to forget Jasper following close behind me and what he might or might not have been be looking at.

Esme got up as soon as I made it to the table and gave me a hug. I often joked with her that she was my go-to-mom for advice and it wasn't surprising when she whispered in my ear that I looked handsome as ever. I blushed under her scrutiny and then introduced her to Jasper. She of course gave him a motherly hug too and he looked over her shoulder at me with his eyebrow raised. I merely smiled back; he would find out soon enough what kind of person Esme was. It was a shame her and Carlisle were never able to have any children of their own; especially since anyone who could have called them Mom and Dad would have hit the parental jackpot.

My own mother has always been a bit of a hit-or-miss. She'd battled depression throughout my childhood and refuses to this day to seek any sort of treatment. When I was young I had no idea why she'd lock herself in her room for months without emerging and it took a long time for me to realize this wasn't normal. Emmett still holds a lot of anger and blames her for our parent's rocky marriage. I on the other hand, agree that her behavior might have caused a lot of the issues, but I hold my dad responsible for enabling her illness to go untreated. In our house it is an unspoken rule that we never discuss my mom's condition. Recently I've tried to ignore the rule and approach the topic with my dad, but it's like talking to a brick wall. He won't accept what's right in front of him. To this day he claims Mom only has insomnia and we never see her because she sleeps during the day when she can't sleep at night. _Yeah Dad, that excuse might have worked when I was a kid and slept from 8 at night until 7 in the morning. Doesn't work so well when I'm a teenager and I sometimes pull all nighters studying for finals and still never see her!_

Maybe you can now see why I might be reluctant to sit down and tell my dad I'm gay. Shit, I've run scenarios through my head for years and they _never_ turn out with my dad giving me a hug and telling me it doesn't matter who I'm attracted to "as long as I'm happy." That kind of acceptance from my father is such a remote a possibility that I can't even invent it in my daydreams. _If _I'm in a more positive mood I can sometimes imagine him denying the truth and trying to convince me that I haven't met the 'right' girl. Or maybe one where he would bury his head in the Racing Form in the hopes that if he ignored me I would simply walk away and never to broach the subject again. However, those scenarios seem optimistic and almost afterschool special compared to what the reality will probably be. I've heard him on many the occasion spouting off discriminatory comment about gays or arguing with my uncle Harry about how the 'fucking liberals' are ruining the institute of marriage. Like the fucking state of _his_ marriage was the fault of same-sex couples.

And my mom…well, I can honestly say I don't know her well enough to know _how_ she would react to the news about her youngest son being gay. While my dad tolerates Garrett and has withheld any negative commentary about what his sexual preferences might be, my mom's never even met him. Even_ if_ she's accepting, I'd admit I find myself worrying about how this news might aggravate her depression even more. Sometimes a small niggling of guilt pops through when I've felt particularly self-loathing and I wonder if maybe my mom's depression could have been caused by me. _Did she look at me as a child and realize how I'd turn out? _At the very least it was probably triggered by post-partum depression after my birth. All the pictures prior to my birthday show a happy, smiling woman. It especially hurts when I look at the one on the mantle of her bursting with joy while sharing a moment with a six month old Emmett. I've searched our photo albums and boxes of pictures; there isn't a single one of the two of us together where she looks happy. Fuck, there were hardly any pictures of us together at all.

I want to be honest with my family, but at what cost? Would they even want to know the truth? Emmett I'll be telling, my parents, well that's still up in the air.

"So Jasper, Carlisle tells me you hail from Texas," Esme commented after we sat down and Jasper had been introduced to everyone. Besides our crew and Esme, Alice had joined us, as well as Alec our freelance exercise rider, and a trainer from another stable named Eleazor who was a long-time friend of Carlisle's.

"Yup. I was born and raised there. I'm really close with my momma, so I stayed home after I graduated high school and got my degree from Baylor. This is actually my first extended time away from home."

"What did you get a degree in?" I asked in surprise. There was so much I didn't know about him. Learning that he'd already gone through college had even more wary of our age gap. It wasn't an issue for me, in fact I preferred someone older, more experienced; but there was a very real threat that Jasper's interest might drop if he knew I was still in high school.

In response to my question his sky blue eyes turned to mine and I had to force myself to take slow easy breaths. _Do not look at his lips._

"History. I'm planning on going back to take a masters degree and I want to focus on the American Civil War. It's the part of American history I'm particularly fascinated with."

_Wow. _I felt like swooning. He's sexy and smart. I pictured him in glasses and I instantly knew I'd made a mistake. Jasper in glasses would be fuck hot and these were so not the thoughts I should be thinking while eating lunch with my coworkers. Not unless I wanted everyone at the table to know exactly how attracted I was to the man sitting next to me.

With a slightly dazed look I glanced around the table trying to find something else to focus on. It was Fred who ended up providing the distraction. Unfortunately, it wasn't the kind of one I would have hoped for.

"Hey Jasper, we already ordered our drinks," Fred spoke up from across the table.

Having worked with Fred for years, I could hear in his voice a familiar tone warning me that I was about to be insulted in some way. _Fuck. What's it going to be this time? _Usually it was something about my appetite; I sometimes ordered two meals if I was extra hungry or had skipped breakfast.

"We ordered the baby of the group his cola, since you're what Eddie, still two years away from being legal?" After having made it sound as if I were still in kindergarten, Fred gave me a fake smile of sympathy and turned back to Jasper. "So you might want to let Sue know if you want something harder than H2O."

_Fuck really? Did my age just get brought into the conversation within minutes of our first kiss? Did I just lose everything before it got started? _Feeling as if my stomach had dropped down to the level of my shoes, I glared over at Fred suddenly wishing I could shove his face into a toilet.

Fred's smile had morphed into a smirk that grew ever wider when he took in my look of rage, he was probably proud to have found another way to knock me down a notch. I jumped when I felt a sudden grip on my knee. Remembering what Jasper had said earlier about wanting to hit Fred, I was unsure if he was doing it to prevent himself from lashing out, or if his newfound knowledge of my age had been so much of a shock for him that he was trying to get my attention.

Either way, I still wanted to reach across and knock the fucking grin off Fred's face.

My anger faded fast and I swallowed the whimper in my throat when Jasper's fingers tightened even more. My erection had softened under the stress of the age issue, but his touch, painful as it was starting to be, was starting to make it hard again.

Fearing what I might find if I actually met Jasper's eyes, I instead turned to my left and addressed Alice. "Did Sue take the food orders yet?" I could see everyone still had their menus but I was desperate to take the focus off of Jasper's relentless hold on my leg. _Why hadn't he let go yet?_

"We were waiting on you two slow pokes," Alice teased in good humor. "I'm sure we could have ordered the usual for you, but with Jasper joining us we figured he'd probably need time to look over the menu."

The fingers that had been clenching me almost painfully loosened and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then his thumb started to run circles on the inside of my leg and I thought I was going to lose it.

Feeling his breath in my ear, goose bumps popped up everywhere starting at the base of my neck and working their way down.

"What do you think I'd like to taste on the menu?" Jasper whispered quietly so only I could hear.

_Holy fucking shit I can't take any more of this! _Needing some space to pull myself together I jumped up from my seat. "Esme can you have Sue order my usual? Only one meal today." With Jasper sitting next to me I wasn't certain if I'd be able to eat at all. "I need to use the restroom," I said to excuse myself. And still avoiding Jasper's gaze I fled to the bathroom as fast as I could move.

The bathrooms at New Moon were single rooms with no stalls. Door locked from the inside. Total privacy. I remembered this as I headed toward the back and I made a quick decision to take advantage of it. I wasn't a novice at rubbing one out. Shit, you had to be an expert when you're seventeen, horny, and without a partner of any kind. Yet, yanking one out in a public bathroom, heck anywhere that wasn't _my_ bedroom or bathroom, was completely new territory for me to discover.

I was about to lose my public place, self-love virginity.

*****_iwtfy_*****

Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

Wow! The response to last chapter blew me away! Thanks to all those who added me to their alerts and especially to those who took the time to review – I really appreciated it!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_I was about to lose my public place, self-love virginity._

As soon as the door was shut I had my jeans unbuttoned and both layers yanked low enough on my hips to release my throbbing erection. One quick swipe across the top gave me just enough lubrication to make each pull a little smoother.

And pull I did.

I would have thought looking at a toilet would have cut some of the mood, but even the lack of appropriate venue wasn't going to dissuade how turned I was. I was mildly amused at the sudden realization that I was crossing a line I used to scoff at in disgust. Last week when Garrett had enthusiastically described the action that took place in the restroom of the club where he'd gone to celebrate his seventeenth birthday, I'd been so fucking critical.

_Who knew it would only take one thumb and a few dirty words and I too would be reduced to jacking off in a public bathroom._

_What the hell was I doing? _I tried to tell myself this was normal for a seventeen year old boy, but I couldn't quite accept that argument.

All reasoning aside, I never stopped pulling. _I'm a __pervert AND a fucking hypocrite._

_This is necessary. _I extended the argument further. _I can't go back to the table with a full hard-on and I'm sure this is faster than trying to will it away, especially because it would probably pop right back up as soon as I see Jasper again._

As I pictured the man who'd captured all my thoughts and fantasies, the guilt I was experiencing disappeared for a moment and I closed my eyes to do him justice.

Remembering what it felt to have him right up against me with his tongue in my mouth and his hands on my hips, my cock grew impossibly harder and I found myself unable to stop the moan that I let out in a conspicuously loud volume. My avid imagination then moved our kiss to a private location and I pictured us in my own bedroom. When Jasper pushed me onto my bed and reached down to put his hand on my dick I barely had time to have my hand cupped in front to catch my cum as it shot out. It was possibly the most intense orgasm I'd ever experienced to date.

I slumped against the counter and waited a few seconds to recuperate. I doubt I could have stood up without assistance. _God what was this man doing to me? What would happen if he actually __**did**__ touch me? I'll come embarrassingly fast I'm sure._

I quickly cleaned up as best I could and tucked myself back in. Staring at my reflection in the mirror as I ran my fingers through my hair, I mentally prepared myself for sitting through the next meal. _Would it be obvious that I'd taken care of business?_

As I walked back toward our table I realized my biggest fear, that my age would turn Jasper away, hadn't happened. Even after Fred's shitty attempt to bring me down by broadcasting my age, Jasper had still touched me. And then if that weren't enough, he'd even whispered suggestive words into my ear. Suddenly I was looking forward to this 'talk' we were going to have later; the part I'd been most worried about discussing was out of the way already. _Maybe I should be thanking Fred._

By the time I'd reached the table my anticipation of what might come later had me at half-mast again, but thankfully everyone was engaged in conversation and I slipped into my seat before anyone had even looked up at me. Jasper and Esme were discussing Southern cooking and I relished the opportunity to listen to Jasper's accent and stare at him unhindered. His hair that fell into golden curls just below his ears looked as soft as a kitten's and I had to fight the urge to drift my hand up his back and feel it again. Although tugging on it had been fun, this time I wanted to let it fall gently through my fingers. As if he could feel my internal struggle, Jasper glanced over at me and a corner of his mouth twitched. My face blushed pink and I turned to Alice and struck up a safe, racetrack-oriented discussion with her.

_This is going to be the longest, most tortuous meal of my life._

*****_iwtfy_*****

Being that this was a race day we hadn't lingered too long over lunch. Sue, our regular waitress knew the drill and had the bill in Carlisle's hand before the meal was over. In a hurry to get Jasper alone again I left half of my meal, something I _never_ do. Jasper must have had a similar mindset and he nudged me with his elbow as he stood up to leave before anyone else.

"Edward? I want you to ride with me, I have something I need to discuss with you," Carlisle called over from the other side of the table.

"Can it wait until this afternoon? I rode here with Jasper and he isn't familiar with the town yet; he'll need directions back to the track." I was desperate and I wasn't sure how much of the distress I was feeling had projected into my voice.

"No, I'm afraid this is important. Alice can ride with Jasper; she rode with me and left her car back at the barn."

Being a jockey and this being a race day, Alice had only ordered a salad. Jockeys had to keep a low weight and were on the scales before every race. Since she'd finished her salad a long time ago and she needed to be in the Jockey's Room an hour before the first race, it actually made more sense for her to be leaving first anyway. I however, wasn't feeling in a particularly reasonable mood.

Swallowing my disappointment, I nodded my head and refused to make eye contact with Jasper as he and Alice prepared to leave. My frustration was clearly evident and I was worried about what I might give away if I actually looked into his sky blue eyes.

"See ya later guys," I acknowledged dismally and I slumped back into my chair.

Another twenty minutes later we were _finally_ making our way out of the restaurant.

"Fred, do you need to go back to work or are you heading home?" Carlisle inquired.

Since he didn't own his own car, Fred usually rode with a couple of other track workers each morning. He'd hit me up for a ride a few times but as I liked to get to work early, he quickly found other people to drive him. I'd been pleased to give up that particular chore.

"I need to be dropped at home. My usual rides will have left by now," Fred explained, but it sounded less like an excuse and more like he was placing the blame on Carlisle. _What a fucking freeloader. He gets a free lunch at a restaurant he loves and he still makes it sound as if he's been put out._

"Good enough," Carlisle responded. "Esme can give you a ride then."

Fred happily followed Esme toward her Lincoln, probably tastelessly checking out her ass even though she was fifteen years his senior and his boss's wife. Eleazor and Alec headed toward Eleazor's pickup as they discussed a horse that had recently been gelded and was now performing poorly. This left Carlisle and I to ride alone and chat about whatever it was that was so important.

I hopped into Carlisle's Mercedes when he popped the locks and sunk into the luxury leather seats. _When I reach Carlisle's age I so want a classy expensive car like this one. _As he started up the engine I looked out the window and wondered if Jasper had picked up Rosalie and left the track, or if he'd be around when I finally arrived. I was hoping it was the later.

"So, Dr. Tremblay came to see me yesterday. He told me about how he wanted you to work for him next summer…" Carlisle steered his car out of the parking lot and hit the turn signal as he prepared to switch lanes.

_Why did he go to Carlisle?_ I was kind of pissed off that he hadn't kept his proposal between us because I was no closer to a decision and I didn't want the added pressure.

"I know you planned on moving to Toronto next summer, but with your career goals this might be a perfect opportunity."

"I know. Believe me, I'm weighing my options. I really wanted to live with Emmett next summer, but Peter has given me a lot to consider."

"He also asked me if you would still be working for me during the school year. I didn't give him an answer either way," he rushed to explain. "I didn't think it was my business to tell him about your other job."

For the past few years I've had a job at a local vet's office after school and on weekends. Working at the racetrack was only a summer gig for me. _Would he want me to start earlier? Maybe work weekends? _My job at the vet's office was awesome for my school applications, but it was working with small animals; I've always been more interested in becoming a large animal vet, specifically one who worked with horses.

"Do you think he'd want help during the school year too?" I asked Carlisle, suddenly excited that my opportunity might come even quicker.

"I would say that's a fair assumption," Carlisle responded at he pulled into the track parking lot.

I mulled over what this could mean for me and I wondered if Jasper had any intention of coming out while here. Heck, I didn't even know how long he planned on being here; the racing season at Forks ended in late October. Suddenly I found myself panicking at the thought of Jasper heading back to Texas and never seeing him again.

_You don't even know if this is anything beyond a quickie for him. _My heart starting pounding in my chest at the idea that he might be on a totally different page than me. I felt like I was going to have a fucking meltdown. _Pull yourself together! You're getting way ahead of yourself!_

"Edward?" Carlisle interrupted my thoughts that had rapidly spun out of control. We'd parked and I didn't know how long we'd been sitting there. It must have been obvious I was distressed. "There isn't any need to make a decision today. It's a lot to consider."

I nodded without speaking, something that I was doing a lot lately. It was somewhat of a relief to think that he probably thought this was all about the job with Peter.

_Jasper and I really need to have that talk._

"Edward, you know you can come to me about anything, anything at all. Esme and I love you like our own and you know we wouldn't judge you…no matter _what_ it was about."

I looked up quickly to see Carlisle sitting patiently staring at me with concern. _Wait, did he suspect…?_

My phone vibrated in my hand and I glanced down to see Garrett was texting me. It was early afternoon, but after such a late night it was still relatively early for him to be awake. Carlisle cleared his throat and I instantly felt bad that I hadn't acknowledged his gesture of concern and offer to listen.

"Thanks Carlisle. You guys have always been great to me. I'm going to miss working for you," I responded, avoiding the topic that seemed to be on his mind. I had always planned to come out to Carlisle first, but this wasn't the right time.

"I'll certainly miss you too; it won't be the same around here. Okay, I'll see you over at the paddock for the eighth race," he called out as we both exited his vehicle and walked off in different directions.

"Later," I answered distractedly.

I had so much to tell Garrett that I almost dialed him without reading his text, but a second and third vibration in my hand reminded me that I had a message to read.

**-12:15 p.m. Sorry (Puss 'n' Boots eyes and hat in hand) **

**-12:17 p.m. Help me! My head is pounding so fucking hard it feels like someone is jack hammering in my skull.**

**-12:18 p.m. Not an excuse, but I was taken a little (A LOT) by surprise that you'd be interested in a smoker…**

_Smoker? _

Garrett was very familiar with my aversion and I'd forgotten that Jasper smoked.

_How can something so important have slipped by me? Wait, he didn't taste like cigarettes when we kissed? Was that a fluke or was he only a casual smoker?_

*****_iwtfy_*****

Thanks for reading! Next chapter should be posted before the weekend.


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

I think FFN was acting wacky again. For some people the last chapter wasn't showing up. If you haven't read about Edward's trip to the restroom you'll need to read the previous chapter.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_How can something so important have slipped by me? Wait, he didn't taste like cigarettes when we kissed? What that a fluke or was he only a casual smoker?_

"Hey asshole," I hailed to Garrett as he answered the phone.

"Hey yourself," he answered despondently.

"How much did you drink last night?" I'd never gotten drunk. The most I'd ever experienced was a slight buzz from a couple of beers with no ill effect in the morning.

"Oh fuck. I have no fucking idea."

Garrett and Bella had fake I.D. to get into the club. You might find it surprising that a cop's daughter would agree to it, but in reality it was all Bella's idea. When she was moving to Ontario her cousin gave Bella her driver's license and then went to the DMV to replace it with the excuse that she'd lost it. For Garrett's birthday Bella had her other cousin do the same thing. Now when they go out they are Leah and Seth Clearwater from Alberta, nineteen and twenty-one. I had to laugh; there is no way Bella should be able to get away with posing as a twenty-one year old.

Money was tight in Garrett's household and Bella was still looking for a job. "Who bought the drinks?" I asked as I started walking toward the Twilight shed row. I took the road this time instead of cutting through the barns. It seemed a more considerate choice since I was talking on the phone.

"Some guy," he said offhandedly. I could almost see him shrugging as he'd responded.

_Some guy?_ Letting _some guy_ get him loaded at the club sounded dangerous. Don't get me wrong, I was aware that Garrett probably wasn't a virgin, but picking up random guys at a club seemed out of character. My best friend liked to talk big, but it was all an act. Flirty Garrett came out to play often, but I'd never actually witnessed him act on it, nor had he ever mentioned any hookups. _It's funny how yesterday I wasn't as confident it was all an act when Garrett had flirted with Jasper. _There was something about Jasper that made me want to abscond away with him to a private island.

Another rudimentary thought curled into the forefront of my brain. _Did my attitude towards casual sex sometimes sound puritanical? Was it difficult for Garrett to open up to me because I came off as too judgmental? Maybe he'd been hooking up all along and I'd been so disapproving he felt he couldn't tell me about it?_

Once again I was feeling like a hypocrite. If I considered my current situation, I wasn't sure if I would necessarily turn down _anything _Jasper offered; even if he made it clear it would only be a one-time occasion. I know I'd _want_ to refuse with my head and even with my heart, but with the way my body reacted earlier, I'm not sure what part of me would be steering me through the situation.

I took a deep breath, and realizing I hadn't responded to Garrett's admission, I tried to think of a way to show him I could be supportive. This was supposedly my best friend and I hadn't been treating him as such.

"I had a bad day and for some reason drinking it all away seemed like a good idea at the time," Garrett finally interrupted my thoughts.

Now I felt like an even bigger shit for ignoring all his texts yesterday. The guy obviously had a lot on his mind and I was too self-involved to even notice. _And here I had assumed it was all about me. _I needed to make this right.

"Hey," I said softly. "You don't owe me an explanation. Look I'm not going to the gym tonight; did you want to catch dinner with me – my treat?"

"Really? Sure, sounds great," Garrett responded with what sounded like a happier voice. Once again my guilt abounded. My best friend shouldn't sound so eager or thankful to be meeting for dinner, I've obviously been taking our friendship for granted and hadn't been spending enough time with him. Truthfully, it happened every summer. Once I started at the track my life tended to revolve around it. If I was smart I'd treat this as a wake-up call – I needed to step up and be a better friend.

"Okay, so I'll call you after I finish up here, it'll probably be after five since Retailing is running in the eighth."

"That sounds fine. Edward can I ask you something?" Garrett asked with reticence.

"Sure, what's up?"

"What's going on with Jasper? You obviously didn't want to talk about it yesterday, but it's killing me to find out," Garrett whined.

Of course his curiosity hadn't waned. This was Garrett after all. I had reached our shed row and I could see that I had the place to myself. Most of the horses were calmly hanging their heads out of their stalls and I could see no one had disturbed my careful raking of the sawdust up and down the row. As I considered what I could or would say I opened the lock to the tack room and sat down on one of the bales of straw. I kept the light turned off, for some reason it seemed easier to be honest while sitting in the pale light.

Admitting what I had been feeling toward Jasper was decidedly harder than expected. _This is Garrett, you can tell him anything. _

"You still there?" Garrett understandably inquired. "Look forget it, we can talk tonight, or _not_, if this topic is off limits."

_Off limits? Is that how I came across – that I had topics I didn't want discussed? Was I more like my dad than I realized? _With new resolve to break myself out of this shell I'd created I decided to open up, at least a little, starting with this phone call.

I thought about how to describe what I'd been going through. It felt almost as though I were at the top of a platform about to bungee jump off. Taking a deep breath I opened my mouth and let what I needed to say fall out.

"He's the first guy I've ever felt powerless to ignore. It's like I'm drawn to him and I can't stop myself from imagining what it could be like to be with him." I drew in a shaky breath after allowing myself such an admission, but I was determined to finish off what I'd started. "You know that subscription you got me for my birthday?" Garrett had hooked me up with some gay porn and I'd been an avid viewer... until this past week. "I haven't needed it for like seven days because just the thought of him has been enough to...well..." I was suddenly embarrassed, realizing I was probably going a little far in the sharing. "...you know what I'm getting at. Anyway, he's gay you know, he told me. And, I uh, I told him I was too," I chuckled as I remembered how lame I'd probably sounded. Now that I was opening up I knew I would be going into details with Garrett at dinner; he'd probably get a good laugh about it.

"That's…that's perfect Edward. I'm so excited for you. Maybe you'll have a boyfriend sooner than you thought." While Garrett sounded sincere he was so subdued I wondered if maybe he was jealous I might get there first. I'd never known him to have a steady boyfriend and I knew he was always on the look-out. Pair that with the fact that he'd always been out and proud, and it seemed a given that he should been in a relationship before me.

With this in mind I tried to think of something to say that would temper my enthusiasm, but then I realized this approach wouldn't be helping our friendship. I needed to keep my words and feelings as honest as possible. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't have wanted him to fudge the facts for the benefit of my own emotions.

"I can only hope." _Go ahead, tell him. _"I kissed him." I blurted out, unable to hide the excitement in my voice.

"You did?" Garrett's voice rose up in disbelief. "Fuck, I can't believe it." He paused for a minute and I thought that was all he was going to say about it. "You're growing up right before my eyes Teddy boy," he teased.

Suddenly, everything I'd been stressing about seemed to evaporate. I should have been confiding in my best friend all along; it did wonders for my psyche to finally admit to someone how I'd been feeling.

"Yeah, and Garrett," I suddenly felt bold. "It was fucking hot. Like porn in live action. I'm telling you, if we hadn't have been in the middle of a parking lot, I think I would have let it go a lot farther."

"The middle of a parking lot?" He whistled. "Ted are you _out_?" he squealed loudly.

I shook my head to relieve it of the ringing. _Fuck. If that hurt my head, how did it work for someone who had a splitting headache?_

"No, it's a long story but it was a secluded spot and he isn't in a position to be out right now either. I'll get into the details later," I suddenly wanted off the phone. The memory of what happened in the parking lot had me thinking all sorts of dirty thoughts and it seemed wrong to have my mind going in that direction while still talking with Garrett. "I gotta go. I'll call you later."

"Okay. Later. But you gotta promise me some deets for sure."

"Yeah," I agreed "For sure." For the first time I was looking forward to talking about myself.

I hung up the call and laid back against the straw, my legs hanging at a right angle to the rest of my body. Closing my eyes I pictured what could happen if I had Jasper in a vehicle alone again. I would combust for sure.

As I reached down to adjust my jeans a throat cleared and I sat up with a start.

Jasper stood in the door of the tack room, the light from outside framing his silhouette making him look like an angel. When he stepped in a little closer and came into focus I noticed how serious his expression was. His eyes looked dark and intense and he licked his lips as he approached me.

A shot of lust spiked through me and my nerves caused my stomach to spin. I swallowed back the saliva that had accumulated in my mouth and I noticed his eyes focus in on my throat. I waited to see what he was going to do. _This_ time I was not going to make the first move.

"So I uh heard you talking and I didn't want to interrupt or anything. But I couldn't help eavesdropping…"

My mind reeled with this information. What had he heard? Of course my face heated up and I blushed so deep I knew even my throat had probably turned pink. I swallowed again and my heart raced.

"What exactly did you hear?"

*****_iwtfy_*****

Next chapter will be all Jasper and Edward. I know it's taken awhile to get there, but soon…I promise!

Thanks for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will eventually have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_"What exactly did you hear?"_

I watched his expression as he decided what to tell me and I tried to remember everything I'd said. As I recalled a few embarrassing admissions I found myself pressing the bridge of my nose in frustration. _Why did I expose myself so openly?_

"Enough that I'm kicking myself for getting out of my truck too soon," he admitted with a broad grin.

He'd stopped a few feet to my right, crossing his arms and leaning up against a couple of large tubs of grain that were stacked alongside the back wall. I found myself staring at him unable to look anywhere else. He was stunning, and the way he fit perfectly into his snug t-shirt showing off his mouth-watering chest and shoulders had me wishing I could run my hands over him. Because I was studying him so intently I noticed his hands were forcefully gripping his biceps contradicting his casual stance. His effort to appear relaxed had fallen short and I wondered what part of my call with Garrett was bothering him.

As if he heard my thoughts, he shifted to cross his legs at the calves and his hands relaxed their hold bit by bit until he finally tucked them under his arms instead. Any boldness I'd found while talking with Garrett had disappeared and I suddenly had no idea what I wanted to have happen. We were alone and out of anyone's view, but as Jasper had already demonstrated, that could easily change without much notice. I was completely out of my depth.

"Did you quit smoking?" I broke the silence, unnerved by the intensity of his gaze. Garrett's text earlier had accomplished its goal and I was now concerned about the issue. In reality, I knew I couldn't date a smoker, and although I didn't appreciate the smell of cigarettes there was a much deeper underlying reason. "I uh didn't notice any cigarette tas…smell earlier." The blush on my neck that had faded a few minutes ago reemerged with a blaze.

"Yeah. I cut down yesterday and haven't had one all day. I've been chomping on nicotine gum and while it's a little too minty for my taste I think it does help." Taking a breath he seemed to slow himself down and the look in his eye changed from intense to teasing. "I was hoping I'd washed off most of smell or…" he suddenly grinned and winked at me, "…taste before I started work this morning."

A feeling I was unable to identify floated across my chest and I tried to temper it as I argued within that he couldn't possibly mean the way it had sounded.

I forced myself to keep my eyes on him."So you quit because…?"

Without any pause to consider, his eyes never leaving mine, he quickly gave his response. "A little birdie told me that you would never involve yourself with a smoker. It was sound advice, even if I'd already realized that for myself."

I was blown away and hope blossomed in me that there now seemed like a good possibility Jasper was feeling some of the same things I had. _He wouldn't do this if he wasn't hoping for some sort of ongoing relationship, right?_

He shuffled a little and bent over to pick up a piece of straw at his feet."Besides, Rose has been after me to quit for awhile. She hates the smell I bring into the house and she keeps telling me I'll be making my teeth yella," he added with what seemed like a bit of embarrassment as he played with the strand of straw in his hands. "I never meant for it to become a lifetime habit, I guess I only needed the _right_ incentive to quit."

_Is he implying __**I'm**__ that incentive? What do I say to that?_

"Well that's good; smoking can give you lung cancer." _Well duh! _"And I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." _God I am so fucking lame._

He chuckled at my response and pushed off from where he was standing. "Do I make you nervous Edward?" he asked in a more moderate tone as he came and sat down next to me on the bales of straw.

I swallowed again, aware that someone could come along at any time, and nodded. His arm was brushed up against mine and I was almost shaking with the anticipation of what might happen next.

He leaned closer and whispered in my ear. "In a good way or a bad way?"

I shivered feeling his breath on my neck. "I'm not sure what you mean," I answered back as evenly as I could.

"Okay, fair enough, I'll spell it out for you. Do you want me to back off? I'm not interested in pressuring you into a situation you seem a little uncomfortable with." This time he hadn't leaned into me and I found myself better able to concentrate on what he'd asked.

_No!_ "I'm just nervous. This is all new for me and I'm a little uneasy that someone could come along at any moment. Would it be okay if we took this, whatever it is, a little…slower?"

I glanced over at Jasper as I realized that I may have made a colossal error because this could be the breaking point. It felt like there was a connection between us, but was it big enough for Jasper to wait on? Or, would this request to slow down only make the difference in our ages glaringly obvious? I was _sure_ Jasper had never had to wait for anyone before.

He blinked his eyes several times like he was trying to understand what I'd requested and then he shifted his body further on the bale so his back hit the wall behind us. I immediately missed even that faintest brush of his arm against mine.

"I'm such a fucking idiot." I froze hearing what I thought was going to be the beginning of a brush off.

_This is it Edward. He's going to tell you you're too young._

"I'm going about this all wrong." I watched with dread as he hung his head down and used his hands to cover up his face. I had to hold myself back from moving closer; I wanted so much to wrap him in my arms.

"I keep forgetting how young you are and I can't seem to get it through my thick skull that this won't work like picking up a twink at a bar."

His words caused me to wince like I'd been slapped and jealously surged through me as I suddenly pictured Jasper touching a faceless guy with a flawless body. I almost felt ill with the vision.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" He slammed his fist down onto the perfectly innocent straw.

While I worried that his voice might attract unwanted attention, I wanted to hear what he had to say too much to stop him.

"Sorry! Apparently I can't fucking help but sound like a total asshole. I've never been in a 'relationship' before and now I'm afraid I'm making a mess of it all." His voice dripped with self-loathing.

I was listening intently to his every word, but the part of never having been in a relationship stood out as if it had been offered on a billboard in neon blinking lights.

"You've never been in a relationship?" I asked in a skeptical voice. _And you want one with me?_

I watched him intently and even as he explained himself he continued to avoid eye contact. "Not a _real_ relationship. Most of my experiences were over so quick I hadn't taken the time to learn their last names. You're the first person I've met that I've ever wanted more. But, I'm not someone _you_ should get mixed up with. I'm not good enough for the likes of you," he confessed still never looking up to meet my eyes. "You should find someone closer to your age and experience," he mumbled out, but to my ears it didn't sound like something he actually wanted.

While it bothered me that Jasper had been with what sounded like a lot of other men, I also knew that the idea of an older guy showing me the ropes had always been my undisclosed fantasy. Other teenagers had always seemed too immature and it was an immediate and complete turnoff for me. The fact that he wanted a relationship was icing on the cake.

"Jasper?" I waited until he actually looked at me and I smiled at him encouragingly. "If you're okay with the age difference and the fact that I want to take it slow, why can't we give it a try?"

I waited anxiously barely able to breathe as he seemed to consider what I'd said; his expression eventually taking on a more hopeful look.

"Are you for real? I basically admitted I'm a manwhore and an asshole and you keep on smiling and acting like I'm some kind of prize. How have you not run in the opposite direction yet? Fuck, I should be _insisting_ that you find someone more appropriate," he admitted with a sigh.

_Yes!_ I wanted to slide in closer and touch him but the fact that someone could walk by at any moment kept me cemented in place.

"Slow." He shook his head and the grin I'd come to find irresistible found its way back to his face. "I'm not exactly sure how that will work with the way you kiss," he smirked. "But I'd like to give it a try. You're gonna haft to be the driver in this relationship and let me know if you're ever uncomfortable."

_I think I have my first boyfriend!_

"Of course," I quickly agreed, a wide grin blooming on my face.

My only disappointment in this moment was the need to hide our relationship; something I'd hoped to never have to do. And I guess it would have been nice to avoid the mental images I'd had of him with other men _and _the self-recrimination. Okay, maybe this whole episode could have been a tad more romantic. But, fuck, he quit smoking just for the possibility of a relationship with me _and_ he didn't care about my age.

Jasper slide off the bale and reached for my hand. "Come here." Tugging me to my feet, his hand tingling in mine, he led me toward the door of the tack room. Anticipation built up in my chest as I wondered what he planned to do.

He stopped in the doorway, never letting go of me, and peeked out the door. The coast must have been clear because he turned back toward me and took a step closer. His hungry eyes sent shivers down my spine.

"Can I kiss you Edward?" He waited patiently for my response, my one hand still encased in his.

I nodded and he wasted no time pulling me closer. "Fuck Edward, it's going to be hard to hold back."

With the way I was feeling I couldn't agree more. I was relieved we'd had the conversation about moving slow when he wasn't touching me because when he had me in his arms I was lost in the desire to grind up against him.

Keeping a little space between us he finally leaned in with his lips and brushed them gently against mine. It was then I realized how much more I felt for him than simple lust. _God, I'm in so deep already! _The feel of his mouth against mine and the quick taste of his breath had my heart hammering away. It was over quicker than I would have liked and he stepped back, but I could swear the look in his eyes matched my own feelings and I realized that the kiss had been perfect just the way he'd done it.

*****_iwtfy_*****

Any guesses as what little birdie told Jasper Edward wouldn't involve himself with a smoker?

Thanks for reading!


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Sorry I took so long to update. Hopefully a slightly longer chapter will help make up for it! Thanks for all those who reviewed!

*****_iwtfy*****_

"So this guy that bought you drinks all night…?" I paused hoping Garrett would elaborate. I usually had no interest in hearing details but I was feeling particularly generous since my own relationship status had been upgraded this afternoon.

We'd hopped the border and were eating at Buffalo Wild Wings. Staying in our small town to eat and having an honest discussion was too risky, too many big ears and even heftier mouths. I also had a near constant craving for some of B2W's Mango Habanero wings and tried to go at least once a week. Might as well kill two birds with one stone. The wings were kicking and I'd convinced our waitress to put the Jays game on the big screen in front of our table. What I hadn't been expecting was having Bella join us.

Bella was already at Garrett's house when I'd arrived to pick him up and Garrett acted as if it was a given that she'd be joining us. I didn't have an interest in starting an argument so it was the three of us sitting here apparently _not_ discussing Garrett's benefactor from the evening before.

Garrett shrugged and took a bite of his salad. I take the guy out for wings and he orders an Asian salad with some chicken added in. I know he's gay but seriously, it doesn't turn off your taste buds. Even Bella had some wings; they were mild, but even that shit was better than a salad.

I got tired of waiting for him to talk. This had to be a record; usually I couldn't get Garrett to shut up for more than a few seconds.

"Who was the guy buying the drinks? What's the story?" I questioned impatiently. I glanced over at Bella hoping for an answer because she had to have met the guy, but she was pretending to be engrossed in the game. I _know_ Bella doesn't give a crap about baseball, she's told me on more than one occasion that hockey is the only sport worth watching.

"Nobody, just some dude I sometimes dance with at the club," Garrett finally responded dismissively. "You'd have met him if you'd ever bother coming out with us."

_Some dude? Does Garrett have a whole other set of friends I've never heard of?_ I had to admit I was stumped. It seemed like Garrett was angry with me and I wasn't sure what I should be apologizing for. _Should I keep badgering him or lay off?_ I was only asking because I thought as a friend I should be interested. Maybe I was even more clueless than I originally anticipated – I had no idea how I should act.

"You know that's not my scene. Can you seriously picture _me_ at the club dancing with my shirt off?" I chuckled at the idea, hoping maybe to produce a smile from Garrett. Even Bella couldn't hide a smirk at the idea as she unsuccessfully tried to keep up her fake interest in the game.

Garrett's reaction was unexpected.

"_Why not?_ You can make out with a near stranger in a parking lot in the middle of the day, but you can't dance with other like minded individuals where no one would judge you for who _you_ really are?" he spit out his words like he'd been holding them in for a long time and suddenly they had to be expelled like vomit.

_Whoa._ I held up my hand as I dropped the wing I was holding. "What exactly are you mad about? I'm a little confused here."

Garrett dropped his fork and leaned toward me. "YOU. You're what I'm mad about. I'm fucking disappointed. I've always wanted you to support me and come along. To at least be my wingman. But noooo, you decided you don't _like_ that atmosphere even though you never gave it even one fucking chance. Then you have some hot make out session in broad daylight with an older guy, who by the way is a total player, and you're…you're practically glowing."

I was speechless and still so very confused. The player reference bothered me. Not because it probably didn't have some merit, I'd already deciphered that from Jasper's admissions, but because Garrett had so easily picked up on it after meeting him only once. I glanced over at Bella but she was missing. _Huh_, I hadn't noticed her slip away. I turned to face my best friend, letting a little of my frustration bleed into my words.

"So, let me try to get this right, you are angry with me because I've never given the club scene a shot, and this has suddenly become an issue because I kissed my boyfriend in public."

I added the reference to Jasper as my boyfriend to get another rise out of him. _What was it about Jasper that shouted player? Was I being an idiot thinking that he would really be faithful in a relationship? Fuck, why did I have to emphasize the age difference and then ask to go slow…fuck!_

My insecurities spiraled out of control until Garrett surprised me by slapping his fork down and shoving away from the table. All my worries about Jasper disappeared for the moment as I asked where he was going.

"I've lost my appetite. I'll wait for you guys outside."

I watched in disbelief as he walked through the restaurant never looking back. He passed Bella who was returning from the restroom and they had what looked like a brief but heated discussion and then he continued on. Bella returned to the table with a look of apology in her eyes. She sat down and proceeded to pick at her food without comment.

"Do you know what that was about?" I asked, hoping she might have some insight into Garrett's reaction.

Bella continued to pull apart a wing as she considered what to say. "Yeah, but I don't feel comfortable explaining it." She looked up at me. "Why don't you go out and talk to him. He's probably feeling like shit for blowing up. He may be small," she smiled. "But he's so over blown with pride I doubt he he'll be able to take the first step."

I sighed and nodded. Sometimes being Garrett's friend was more work than I had patience for. "Can you at least tell me if this has anything to do with Jasper? I'd thought maybe he was jealous that I was the first one to get a boyfriend. Now I'm wondering if he's jealous because he wanted Jasper for himself" The thought of Garrett with his hands on Jasper was making me ill.

"No," Bella practically interrupted my question, shaking her head adamantly. "He doesn't want Jasper." Her expression changed and she looked at me with a pleased look. "Is he really your boyfriend? He seemed like a really nice guy, and phew was he ever hot!"

"Made it official today." Embarrassingly, I could almost feel my chest puff up with pride. "Well, we never used the word boyfriend, but we agreed to try a relationship," I was bursting at the seams to tell someone. I'd hoped it would be Garrett.

"Kind of big age gap," Bella commented causing me to bristle.

"Not too big - four or five years." I think.

"You don't know do you?" Bella asked.

My stomach dropped what felt like half a foot at her question. Obviously she knew something I didn't. Fortunately Bella wasn't one to avoid the truth and she didn't make me ask. Bella was good that way.

"Try eight years. Rosalie said they're both twenty-five."

_Eight years. Holy shit!_

_Don't freak out. _Don't fucking freak out.__ I immediately tried to argue with myself. _That's only a few years older than you'd estimated._ But I'd already wondered how he could be interested in dating someone still in high school and that was when I thought he was about twenty-one. _If I can't picture dating someone still in high school - how can someone that much older want to do it?_

_Was there something wrong with him? Was he one of those guys only interested in young men and in a few years I'd catch him in bed with another younger guy? Wow, am I ever jumping ahead!_

_Or was he immature himself?_ I discarded the idea as soon as it popped up. He was definitely not immature. I've always been able to recognize immaturity, regardless of someone's age. _Fred_ was immature. Jasper was most definitely not.

Instead I used my usual method of offering up an argument for the answer I wanted. _Yup, there is a perfectly good explanation_ - he doesn't exactly like the age difference either, but the attraction between us is too strong. _Good answer Edward! I like it._ And having been forced to grow up so much faster with my mother in the condition she was in, I know I'm not representative of the usual high school juvenile behavior. I don't feel like I'm seventeen. _Except when I'm forced to jack off in the restroom. Yeah well that's a physical reaction; mentally we're much closer in age…_

"It doesn't have to be a big deal," Bella interrupted my thoughts. "He seems like a good guy, and let's face it Edward, you're not the typical teenager. You're like an old man sometimes."

_See even Bella agrees with your argument. You want him; he wants you, don't over think it._

_Yeah, that's totally not my libido talking for me._

Yet, when it came to Jasper, apparently I was willing to listen to it.

Ten minutes later I had paid for our food and picked up Garrett's boxed up salad. He probably wouldn't eat it, the leaves would be too soggy, but if I didn't bring it, it would be one more thing for Garrett to harp on about. Bella asked if she could stop at the candle shop next door before we left, and as I watched her go I knew it was her way of giving Garrett and I time to talk.

I found him waiting by my car when I got outside and I swear it looked like he'd been crying. I ran my hand through my hair and wondered if I should pretend I hadn't noticed his red tinged eyes. Sliding into the driver's seat I popped the locks and waited for my best friend to get in. I handed him the box without a word and started the car to run the air conditioning.

After sitting for about five minutes Garrett broke the silence.

"So he's your boyfriend now?"

"Kind of." The worry about the age difference was still eating at my confidence. "This afternoon we agreed to _try_ a relationship."

Garrett must have picked up on my sudden insecurity. "_Try?_ I think you're exaggerating the wrong word in that sentence. Look I'm sorry for calling him a player; I don't know him from Jack."

Somehow I felt there was more to it than that, but I was willing to let that part slide for the moment.

"What's going on Garrett? Does it really bother you that I haven't gone with you to a gay club? Do I need to remind you that I won't go to straight ones either? You know me. I hate dancing. I hate the whole pickup scene. And, I need to be up at the crack of fucking dawn each day, every day, all summer long. I can't be out dancing and drinking late at night."

"No, it's not about the _fucking_ club. Let me ask you this Edward. Are you going to tell people you're gay? Because it sounds to me that you're staying in the fucking closet. _That_ is what infuriates me. You're a hypocrite. You've always been critical of those who hide their relationships like they're something to be ashamed of. You've been adamant that you'd be out before you ever get into a relationship. You swore you'd never hide a boyfriend. And yet, here you are doing exactly that. Are you going to tell your family about Jasper?"

I was at a loss for words and Garrett was staring at me with disgust. He was right, but only partially. My own anger blossomed.

"You're right actually. I AM a hypocrite. In the past I know I've made some clear declarations, but I've come to realize life doesn't come with only two choices. I'm still trying to work in a bigoted workplace, and I never imagined I'd meet someone who'd come to mean so much to me so fast. Jasper has a very good reason for hiding his sexual orientation and it's only for a short time. He's not ashamed of what he is and I'm not ashamed of what I am, or, who I want to be with. We are going to hide our relationship for the time being because it is what is best for _both_ of us. This isn't the scenario I would have pictured myself in, but it's all we've got. If at any time Jasper wants to go public I would agree to it."_ But would Jasper do the same? Would he go public if you insisted?_ I think in my gut I didn't believe he would.

"So that's it? You're going to hide behind Jasper's convenient excuse to hide you like a dirty little secret and you're okay with that?" Garrett's voice rose up in pitch and he looked like he was about to cry again.

_Why is he making this such a big deal?_

I groaned in frustration as I pulled my hand through my hair and tugged."We were kids Garrett! When he had those talks we'd never been in a relationship and we were optimistic. There wasn't a real person attached to it. But maybe I'm the only one who's grown up here. You of all people should have learned by now that life is messy and nothing is black and white. Why are you getting so angry with me? It's not like I've point blank denied I'm gay when someone's asked. I haven't lied about it."

"Save it Edward. You're letting your dick make decisions for you. You want to get laid with a hot guy so you're masquerading it as a relationship. I know you, you're better than this. If you truly wanted a relationship with the guy you'd wait until he was ready to be public. It's all you've ever talked about. I guess I'm just disappointed to see you of all people falling to such levels."

I was at a loss for words. _Garrett really thought I was doing this only for sex? Had he not heard anything I'd said? Was he really that obtuse?_

"I guess we don't know each other as well as we'd thought," I commented coldly.

The back door opened in a rush of hot air and Bella plopped down in the seat.

"They have got some of the yummiest smelling candles," Bella gushed, unaware of the tension in the air. "Garrett you've got to smell the chocolate chip cookie one I bought. It smells like fresh cookies directly out of the oven!"

Garrett wiped the look of disappointment and anger off his face and he turned to Bella with a smile. "Pass it up bitch, I _love_ chocolate chip cookies."

*****_iwtfy*****_

_Oh God. I can't believe we finally found a chance to be alone. Jasper was kneeling between my thighs and I nearly shot my load when he looked up at me with those intense blue eyes that changed to the colour of denim when he was turned on. As he drew his tongue up the underside of my cock I groaned and practically begged him to put it in his mouth. We were in the back of my car and the limited space actually made for a more intimate arrangement. And although it was warm, I was enjoying the feel of his sweat against my hand when I ran my fingers through his hair and back down his neck. If he wasn't so far away I'd have liked a taste of it._

"_Jasssper," I complained. He smirked once more at me and then opened up his lips to envelop me. The shock of having his mouth, any mouth, wrapped around me for the first time and the sudden increase in Springsteen's voice as he belted out Brilliant Disguise from the radio at the front of the car jolted me causing me to thrust my hips upward. With my cock unexpectedly hitting him in the back of the throat, Jasper sputtered and his watery eyes blinked up at me as I felt the tension quickly building up in my balls. "Fuck, sorry man!" Jasper ignored my apology wrapped his hand around the base and started to bob his head up and down._

"_Fuck that's right Jasper, suck it hard," I encouraged him, my release imminent. _

Waking up with my hand on my leaking cock and moaning Jasper's name for the second morning in a row was embarrassing. Thank God no one else in my house was awake at five in the morning.

While I showered it didn't take long to relieve myself of my morning wood, the images from my dream still fresh in my mind. Today would be our first day working together after we'd agreed to take things slow, and as I stood under the spray and considered how we were going to keep our relationship secret, I began to feel a nervous anticipation in my stomach about seeing Jasper. Quickly escaping the shower before I got hard again, I dried off and considered how I looked in the mirror.

I couldn't see what would interest Jasper. I looked seventeen. My body had started to take on a more adult shape in the last month, but I was still a little too lean and I only had a very small smattering of hair; none on my chest and only a little leading down toward my hips. The only part of me I was proud of was my shoulders. I hadn't developed much in the way of pecs, but my shoulders were broad and it worked well in hockey season. I always played defense and I loved fighting for the puck in the corners. These shoulders had worked well for me.

My hair, now that was another matter entirely. There was nothing I could do to tame it. Every once in awhile I get tired of it and shave it off. I hadn't done that lately, so it had grown out and was probably at the longest in years. I tried to add some gel and brush it down but it insisted on sticking up in random places. _Oh well._

As I continued to study myself, I began to compare myself to Jasper. Instead of the usual feeling of inferiority, I found myself getting hard again. I'd begun to imagine what he'd look like naked and it had morphed into an image of him coming up behind me and wrapping his arms around my waist. I shuddered at the image and forced myself to remember he wasn't actually here. My cock, not understanding the difference, had moved to full attention and I willed it to soften. I wondered how long it would be before we got to that stage and I realized that I didn't want it to be that far off. _Hmmm. Maybe slow would only be a matter of interpretation._

Needing to either calm my dick down or give myself a quick hand job, I opted to try distraction. I thought of last night and how Garrett and I left things unresolved. My attention placed elsewhere quickly helped to relieve the tension down below. I got dressed quickly and ran downstairs to grab a bagel before I slipped out the door. There was no racing today, so I was scheduled to unload one of the delivery shipments after working for Carlisle this morning. Jasper had text me last night to ask if we could spend the day together. I was off at two, so we'd agreed to meet at my car.

As I approached the barn this morning my body was a bundle of nerves. My memory of last night's dream wasn't subsiding and I was about to see Jasper again. I wondered how I was going to avoid revealing how I felt about him to everyone we worked with. All the doubts about our ages, my inexperience, and hiding our relationship wasn't helping ease my anxiety. When I got closer I was surprised to see the tack room door open and the light spilling out. I was always the first one to arrive in the morning and I wasn't late. As I drew nearer to the door I heard Jasper's distinctive voice talking with someone in a hushed but serious tone.

_Who the hell was he talking to?_

*****_iwtfy_*****

Thanks for reading!


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Thank you for all the wonderful reviews – they really make my day!

*****_iwtfy*****_

_As I drew nearer to the door I heard Jasper's distinctive voice talking with someone in a hushed but serious tone. _

_Who the hell was he talking to?_

Anxious about what I'd discover, I slipped through the door not wanting to give anyone inside the chance to react to my presence before I could observe them. And, even though it was the only scenario that would make sense, I was startled to see who it was. There were only two keys to open the padlock to the tack room door, one I carried with me and the other of course belonged to Carlisle.

By the time I'd entered Jasper had stopped speaking and Carlisle was responding in the same hushed tone, but his held what sounded like an undercurrent of warning.

"…hope I've made myself clear."

My gut feeling was that I'd walked in on a disagreement of some kind and I studied them both before they could take notice of me. It was a rare moment to see Carlisle without a pleasant look on his face and I was curious to hear what Jasper would say in response.

Carlisle was standing with a coffee in his hand, his carriage tense, his fingers curled tightly around the cup. Jasper had his arms crossed and he looked like he was trying to be casual, but there was something about his body language that told me he was uncomfortable.

"Crystal, _sir_," Jasper ground out reluctantly. "I think you're mistaken if…"

"What's clear?" I asked as I stepped further into the room, interrupting Jasper mid-sentence and surprising them both with my presence. I had planned to hear more but I found myself unable to wait. The urge to protect Jasper from a disagreeable situation was reflexive and surprisingly uncontrollable.

_Fuck. You need to keep your expression neutral. Do it for Jasper for God's sake!_

Carlisle turned toward me with a welcoming smile that didn't quite fill out across his face. I looked to his hands and noticed they hadn't eased up from around his cup.

Jasper straightened up immediately and grinned. The almost defiant look that had been on his face when I'd first seen him had melted into what looked like relief, and his eyes held a look of happiness that was contagious. I found myself unable to hold back a smile in return.

"What were you guys talking about?" I asked again. If Carlisle were a normal boss I'd probably be told to mind my own business. Heck, I probably wouldn't have even considered asking.

"It's nothing E, Carlisle was giving me the rundown of how he likes his operation run. You, know, with me being the new recruit and all."

I could tell Jasper was brushing off the conversation, but his expression never changed and I was starting to have a hard time remembering what it was that I'd been concerned about. His eyes were drawing me in and I was rapidly losing perspective of where I was. I shook my head to break the spell Jasper seemed to pull me into and turned to focus my attention on our boss.

Carlisle's bearing had loosened up a bit, but I was pretty sure I caught the back end of a look he was exchanging with Jasper. There was definitely more going on than had been revealed and it bothered me that I was being left out. _Did Carlisle not trust Jasper? _He knew I'd been training him and he usually had enough confidence in me to give new employees the rundown. _Why was he intervening this time? _

Maybe I was making too much out of this. It could be that Carlisle had had this same conversation with others but I hadn't been so hyperaware because they weren't Jasper. _I think I need to stop worrying about every little thing._

"So what's the plan for today?" I directed to Carlisle, trying to forget the strange conversation I'd walked in on.

Carlisle looked surprised at my rapid acceptance and decision to change the subject. His eyes even held a hint of gratitude. "Well, Miss Jenny needs a workout. Alice will be by at seven. Aro and Retailing need to be walked. The rest will go out for a gallop as we have riders show up. Alec should be by sometime this morning to help."

"Alright, we can start with Retailing. She'll be anxious to stretch her legs this morning." I responded while trying to keep my mind on the job. Jasper was making it difficult as he shuffled closer to me and handed me my morning tea before stepping away again to keep a more respectable distance.

"I need to go submit a few entries at the Racing Office. I'll be back in an hour. If Alice beats me back here, ask her to stick around before taking Jenny. I have some specific instructions I want her to follow."

"Sure boss," I acknowledged. My heart sped up a little when I realized his leaving meant that Jasper and I might catch a moment alone before Fred would arrive.

"E?" I swung back to face Jasper as soon as Carlisle was out the door. "I guess it's better than Ted," I conceded.

"Well I can't go calling you sweetheart or sugar now can I?"

I let out with a nervous laugh as I imagined how Carlisle or Fred might react to Jasper calling me sweetheart around the shed row. "I guess E will work, but it will take some getting used to. Eric from Entourage immediately came to mind when you said it."

Jasper laughed along. "The same thing crossed my mind. You remind me a little of him so it fits."

"Excuse me?" I moved up closer to him as he continued to smirk at me. "I look nothing like him. He's short. You may be the tiniest bit taller than me, but that doesn't make me small. Besides, maybe I haven't stopped growing, I may just beat you yet."

His smile grew impossibly wider as he mirrored my action and moved closer. "I didn't mean in looks sugar," he drawled out. "Fuck, he doesn't look half as good as you. I meant how serious he is about his job and his work ethic."

Something about the way he said 'sugar' sent my heart racing and I considered how risky it would be to kiss him right now.

"So what should I call you? Jay or Jazz?" I raised an eyebrow in question. Lowering my voice to a whisper I offered up one more "or what about…baby?" I tried to make my voice a little bit seductive. Unsurprisingly, I blushed as soon as I'd said the words. To my ears it had sounded awkward, but the way Jasper's eyes darkened I realized it somehow must have worked.

"I think we need to get to work before I forget all about proper work etiquette and starting mauling you here in amongst the feed and bales of hay," he responded, seeming to ignore my earlier question. Contradicting his own suggestion to get to work, his eyes never left mine and his body leaned closer.

I knew it was dangerous to poke a predator, which is what Jasper looked like at this moment, but I couldn't stop myself from moving even closer and lightly running my hand up his arm. "Okay baby, but you haven't answered my question. Will it be Jay or Jazz?"

"Fuck," Jasper whined. "Jay is fine…for now, but…" his tone lowered considerably and I felt myself leaning even closer to hear him, "…I want to hear my whole name when you're in the throes of passion."

I groaned as I registered his words and he brought his face in close to mine. Before he could kiss me we both froze as we heard one of the horses snort and nicker. The noise from the horse had forced us back into the reality of our situation and we jumped apart. I stared at the workout list unable to read a word and Jasper picked up his coffee and then proceeded to pick out a doughnut from the box. Within a matter of seconds we heard the clopping of boots and Fred had shown up in the doorway.

"Good morning ladies."

I shuddered at the close call. We were going to have to be a lot more vigilant in our workplace interactions because there is no way I wanted Fred to be the one breaking the news about our true relationship.

****_iwtfy***_

"So how exactly did that conversation with Carlisle go this morning?"

Even though I'd been hesitant to ask for details while Carlisle was present, I didn't have the same reluctance as soon as I was alone with Jasper.

Our morning had passed surprisingly fast. After the incident in the tack room, Jasper had acted like a perfect gentleman; never a stray glance, hand, or word. If we hadn't come so close to getting caught earlier I'd have been disappointed. Instead, Jasper's extreme professionalism worked to ease my mind that we may just get away with keeping it a secret for awhile longer.

I'd gotten finished with the unloading detail shortly before two and I'd used the restroom in the cafeteria to change my clothes. Keeping in mind I'd be meeting Jasper soon, I took care to wash up as best I could and applied some deodorant. Next time we planned to meet after work it would be helpful to include enough time for a shower.

We were driving out to have a late lunch/early dinner and I had suggested Niagara Falls. It was tourist season and the number of people crowding the streets and restaurants would deter anyone local I knew from venturing there. Since we were between the lunch and dinner hours the lines at the restaurants should be reasonable.

"It wasn't much. Carlisle was simply going over what he felt were some important rules to remember. Why do I get the impression you and Carlisle are more than simply a boss and employee?"

It didn't get past me that he'd made a move to change the focus of the discussion away from whatever they'd talked about, but I decided once again to let it slide. If they didn't want to tell me I was going to have to accept that – as much as it was bothering the hell out of me.

"That would be because we are. Carlisle is like family. He treats me like a son or nephew," I explained.

"Why?" Jasper glanced over at me. We'd decided to have him drive and I'd left my car in the parking lot at the race track.

I shrugged. I really didn't want to get into my family life. My relationship with Jasper was too new, and while I hoped I would be telling him someday, this definitely wasn't the time.

"Carlisle and Esme are great people. I've worked for him for years and they have me over for dinner a lot. Esme's cooking is the best. I guess because they didn't have any children and I was a kid when I started working for him, we developed a pretty close bond. He looked after me while I worked, especially since Emmett, my older brother, moved to Toronto."

_Emmett_. It reminded me that he's called several times this week and I needed to get back to him. I'd been avoiding him because I can't imagine lying to him. He would ask me how things are going and I'd have to tell him about Jasper. I'd have to tell him I was gay. Because of that reason I'd been letting his calls go to voicemail.

"Are you and your brother close?"

"Yeah. It was both a relief and extremely difficult to see him move away."

While I wasn't ready to discuss my parents I was okay with discussing this part of my family's dynamics. We'd reached the restaurant we'd agreed upon so I left the conversation to continue after we'd settled in at a table.

Jasper was a good listener and I ended up talking about my brother in detail. I told him how Emmett struggled in school, how he quit and started working at the racetrack, and my suspicion of a learning disability. It was particularly difficult to explain my reasoning for not being honest with Emmett about my sexual orientation, even when I had to admit I didn't have any fear that my brother would be anything other than supportive.

"Emmett is impulsive and a hot head. I believe it goes along with the learning disability. When he's happy he's the funniest and most gregarious man you'd ever meet. But he's also sensitive and forever acting as the protector of all underdogs. His size however, which is massive, causes a lot of people to forget that he's siding with the underdog. When there's a fight witnesses often flip and start thinking of him as the bully. With the bigoted attitudes that run rampant around the racetrack and the danger for me if I were open about being gay, I was afraid Emmett might never have moved to Toronto. He would have stayed back a few years to protect me. Not only would that have slowed down his progress for the career he wanted, but to be honest, my worst fear was that he'd end up in jail after beating some jerk into submission because he'd directed some derogatory slur toward me."

I looked down at the napkin in my hands, my appetite lost once again. I was nervous about Jasper's reaction to my situation. He'd been out and open about being gay back in high school. _Would he understand my reasoning or was he going to think it was a convenient excuse? _But it was more than just nerves; I also felt guilty.

"It's okay if you want to tell him about us."

I glanced up at him in surprise.

"What I'm trying to say is that I think you should go ahead and tell him. I know we're keeping this quiet for Rosalie and for…you. But, telling your brother doesn't mean you have to proclaim it to the whole world." He shook a sugar packet into his coffee and started to stir. "It should be done in person though. I don't think it's a conversation to have over the telephone."

He was right; I did need to do this. "Who did you tell first?"

He looked up at me and smiled. It was a smile that warmed me to my core and all my worries about his acceptance of my situation melted away. "It was only ever me and Momma. And I broke the news to her when I was only eleven," he chuckled.

"Eleven?"

"Yeah. It was after a school concert and Momma was commenting on how cute some of the girls in my class were. When she asked which one I had a crush on I told I thought Matt was the cutest, but that I probably wasn't his type."

"You're kidding!" I laughed at the image of eleven year old Jasper. _I bet he was adorable._ "What did she say?"

"Well," he leaned closer and put his hand over mine, instantly sending a spark shooting up my arm. "She was silent for a few seconds, blinked a few times, and then she came back to herself and she told me that if that was the case then it was Matt's loss because I was the best catch in that class."

"She sounds like a wonderful woman," I sighed.

"She is and I hope you can meet her one day. I know she'd love you." He let go of my hand after a quick squeeze. "Don't worry so much about how people will react. They either accept you for who you are and support you or they don't. If they don't, then you move on. Wasting time right now worrying about how people will react won't change the outcome in the end, it's just wasting your time now."

"Yeah, but it kind of helps work out the different scenarios in your head so you aren't blindsided when they do reject you," I argued.

"You could think that it's a way to prepare yourself, but when it comes to the exact time of rejection, it won't matter how thick skinned you've made yourself, it's still going to fucking hurt like hell."

"How did Rosalie react when she found out?"

Jasper literally shut down when I mentioned his sister. His eyes narrowed and I almost felt the anger well up inside him. I had no idea what I'd said to cause the reaction.

"I never met Rosalie until I was fourteen. By then I'd been out for years and even my peers were aware of my orientation. I didn't have any preconceived feelings toward her when we met because she was a total surprise until she landed on my doorstep."

I could literally see a blinking red stoplight telling me to stop. "What happened? Were you separated at birth?"

"Separated at birth? We aren't fucking twins. Rosalie is my _half_-sister. Listen, I could get into our whole dirty family history but I don't think I could handle another heavy topic. Would you mind if we hit the road and save the discussion for another date?"

My curiosity was piqued, but I knew I needed to be patient. "Sure, of course."

Jasper gave an apologetic smile and I grinned back, trying to reassure him that everything was absolutely fine. And it was. It truly was.

*****_iwtfy_*****

I'll be uploading another story of mine later this week. It's not slash, so I don't expect all of you to start reading it. Maybe some of you will give it a try?

Thanks for reading!


	19. Chapter 19

Thanks for all those who have been reviewing – I love hearing from you! Please see my author's note at the end.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

Throughout our meal I'd been distracted by emotions. Guilt and fear had overwhelmed me while I'd talked about Emmett and my reasons for not coming out. Then there was Jasper's reaction to my question about his sister, _sorry_,_ half_-sister. It was definitely a touchy issue that I would be wary to approach at a later date. Having run through a gamut of emotions while eating, we moved on to lighter topics as we drove to catch a movie.

I was finding it difficult to concentrate on the conversation.

Jasper was possibly one of the most attractive men I'd ever witnessed in person, and his endless layers of appeal only increased in magnetism when he spoke. His accent made my cock harden without a single touch and I was curious as to how I was going to manage slowing myself down. He was driving through traffic at my direction and I took advantage of the moment to study his profile. He was not only striking, but the perfect blend of endearing and sexy.

We'd decided on a movie because it was still early and the movie theatre was probably one of the least busy places to be at this time of day. Since we were already in Niagara Falls I'd considered showing him around the usual touristy crap, but fighting the crowds in a sweltering heat didn't seem like an attractive option. Secluded time in a quiet, air conditioned theatre; well let's say it was an easy choice.

There hadn't been a great selection of movies last time I'd been here, the night I'd given Bella a ride home and she nearly gave me a freakin' heart attack, and it wasn't any better now. We quickly decided on a raunchy comedy sequel that neither of us had seen. I honestly didn't care what was playing; I knew I'd be distracted enough with Jasper's presence that it was a good thing there wouldn't be test afterward. On the other hand, maybe I should have pushed for the low-rated action movie, at least then I wouldn't be expected to laugh at jokes I hadn't heard.

As we entered the theatre there wasn't much of a lineup for the late afternoon showings, but I was still slightly anxious about the idea of running into someone I knew. Forks didn't have a theatre and it always seemed that every time I'd been here I would see _someone_ I knew. We still hadn't discussed how we'd introduce or explain ourselves if we ran into someone familiar, however the obvious choice would be to say we're friends and/or coworkers.

Jasper paid for our tickets, claiming it was his prerogative since I was still a student and it had been his idea to go out today. I agreed but I made it clear it wasn't because of age; I didn't want our age difference to start translating into the mistaken impression that I needed to be taken care of. I decided I would ask him out for the next time while trying to ignore my rising doubts that there would even be _a next time_. I refused to let my insecurities ruin the time I had with him.

Thankfully we hadn't recognized anyone in the line-up. I bought myself a large tub of popcorn and a large pop. I was an addict when it came to having oil popped popcorn drowned in that generic 'golden topping'. Jasper grabbed a bag of twizzlers and no drink. As we settled into seats near the back of the almost empty theatre, I caught Jasper smirking at my snack purchase. I tried to defend myself by pointing out that I hadn't eaten all of my lunch, but in truth, I could have eaten two meals and still made room for popcorn. I'd done it many times before.

A nervous energy came over me now that we were essentially alone and I couldn't stop my leg from jiggling. I must have been annoying Jasper with my movement because he reached over and put his hand on my leg to stop me.

"Sorry," I whispered and Jasper gave me a quick reassuring smile.

After a few moments it became apparent he was in no hurry to remove his hand and my leg started to feel tingly and warm under his touch. The previews starting did nothing to lessen my awareness and I spent most of the movie with a raging hard-on and was barely able to swallow much of my popcorn.

At about the halfway point Jasper leaned over and asked me if I wanted to leave. When I asked why, he whispered that I didn't seem to be enjoying the movie because I never laughed at any of the jokes. His breath on my neck sent shivers up my spine and I tried to smile back at him but I couldn't quite make it work. The tension between us felt overwhelming and I wondered if this was normal at the start of a relationship. I shook my head and decided no matter how inexperienced it made me sound I would tell him the truth.

"I'm having a hard time concentrating with your hand on my thigh," I whispered back. I then swallowed my fear and reached over to give the side of his mouth a quick kiss. My lips burned from the simple touch.

Jasper's fingers gripped my leg harder and it was like a replay of our positions at lunch yesterday, only this time there wasn't anyone around and the theatre was too dark for anyone to see. I whimpered as he slid his hand higher.

"Put the popcorn down E," Jasper directed, his voice sounded thick with want.

I nearly upended the tub in my hurry to obey his order. My cock twitched in my pants. A demanding Jasper was clearly a turn on for me.

"I'm not going to touch you. Not for our first time, not in a theatre. But I would like to kiss you again." He slid his hand off my thigh and brought my face around to his. The kiss was sweet and chaste and broke some of the tension between us. He nuzzled his cheek against mine and kissed me by my ear. "Fuck E," he moaned. "I've never felt this turned on from simply sitting next to someone."

We made an attempt to watch the rest of the film. I may have laughed at a few of the jokes, but most of the time I was relishing the fact that I was sitting with my boyfriend, my fuck-hot boyfriend, and he was holding my hand. It was an experience I hadn't anticipated as being so…so intimate. I may have even considered laying my head on his shoulder but it seemed like too much of a girl move, and at this point I wasn't sure what would be a turn on and what would be turn off. I had no real idea of what Jasper was looking for in a relationship and I was unsure how to approach the subject.

After the movie we headed back to Forks. Jasper admitted he wished he had a place where he could have me over. He shared a house with Rosalie and while he wasn't going to hide our relationship from his sister he said that she probably wouldn't feel comfortable with me being at their house at this point. The subject was closed for questions, so I reminded myself to be patient.

He'd picked up my hand as soon as we hit the highway and I loved how he shifted between playing with my fingers and gently caressing my palm. It seemed he was as interested in keeping constant contact with my skin as I was with him.

"Who do you live with?" Jasper questioned.

He was probably fishing for an invite over and there was absolutely no way that could happen. Yeah I can imagine inviting him over to meet Edward Sr. who'd immediately wonder why a twenty-five year old wanted to hang with his seventeen year old son, or I'd have to explain why my mom was still in her bathrobe at seven o'clock at night. _No fucking way._

His question had initially taken me by surprise because at seventeen you'd assume someone lived with their parents, right? But then I remembered he'd emphasized it was only him and his mother, maybe he was trying to find out my family dynamics. I hadn't said anything about my parents so it was a fair enough question.

"My parents. Emmett is my only sibling and as you know he's lives in Toronto."

"Do you go to school close by?"

"Yes, Port Angeles. It's about a twenty or twenty-five minute drive." I went to a Catholic High School and our town was too small to have one of its own. Not wanting to discuss my parents, or even worse bring more attention to my age by discussing my high school life, I quickly changed the subject. "I was looking at the records for Rosalie's horses and they appear a little higher end. Is she going to be racing them at Woodbine?" Woodbine was the racetrack in Toronto where Emmett worked.

"Probably. She wants to get a feel for the Canadian circuit. I think she's planning to enter her lowest running horse in a higher purse allowance next week here in Forks. If all goes well I think she'll be racing at least two of hers in Toronto in July."

His answer would normally have led to me asking why she was even in Forks, considering Toronto was a much better placement for her horses, but I had a feeling that would be delving into dangerous territory and I didn't want Jasper pulling away from me. He was still holding my hand and the way he was touching it had me picturing his hands in many other places. When Jasper was forced to concentrate on the traffic in front of him in order to switch lanes, I shifted in the seat and took the opportunity to one-handedly adjust my pants.

"If she needs any help with her horses in Toronto let me know. I know a lot of people up there. In fact," an idea struck me, "if she enters them on off days for Forks, I can help by running them up myself. I've taken the horse transport a few times. I pick up a few horses to run, my trip is paid for, and I can make some money at the same time. It's a win-win situation. _And_ it's always a bonus when I get to spend a little time visiting with Emmett."

"I'll let her know," Jasper responded, but his voice sounded slightly defensive. I wondered if he was waiting for more questions.

We drove in silence for several minutes and I looked out the window trying not to let my anxieties overwhelm me. I wished we had somewhere else to go, a place where we could have some privacy. It seemed as if our relationship was doomed from the start. It was only a matter of time before Jasper dumped me for someone who wasn't still living with parents.

"So, I feel at a sort of disadvantage," Jasper broke the silence. "And I'll admit I'm a little nervous."

_Jasper nervous?_ He had my full attention.

"Uh what about?" I asked, hesitation clearly showing through the tremble in my voice.

"Yesterday I admitted my lack of relationships and a bit of my sexual history, but I know absolutely nothing about yours. Have you had previous relationships?"

"No." I really didn't want to get into details.

"_No? _Like no relationships at all? What does that mean? Have you ever been with a woman? Ever been with a man and experimented? You have to be more specific sugar. I need to know what I'm dealing with here."

"No to all those questions," I answered with a feeling of dread dropping heavily into my stomach and my face turning the colour of a tomato.

Jasper whistled and my cheeks grew even hotter. I couldn't look at him and I dropped my hand from his. Wrapping my arms around my middle I sunk my head against the window. _This is it. He's never going to want me now. _I closed my eyes trying to will away the tears I could feel about to spill.

"No, don't pull away from me E. It's not a deal breaker of any kind. I'm just kinda surprised is all."

Jasper tried to pull my hand back to him, but I refused to budge. It was embarrassing enough when I heard other guys at school bragging about their experiences and I had nothing to reciprocate. But, having to confess my virginity it to the one man I've wanted more than anything, knowing he's had lots of experience, was mortifying. I couldn't imagine that he'd still want me. It was like there was an ever mounting set of reasons for Jasper to back away and find someone more appropriate.

"E, seriously I'm sorry. I was surprised that's all. You're the most gorgeous man I've ever encountered and it's a little intimidating knowing that this is all unchartered territory for you," Jasper sighed as he pulled at my arm again and I allowed my hand to be taken. I still couldn't look him in the eye.

The truck slowed down and I opened my eyes wider to look and see where we were. I was surprised to see us pulling into the racetrack. Having started our date relatively early, it was still dusk outside and I could see my car looking lonely in the section closest to the barns. Anyone still at the track at this hour would have parking within the security gates. As usual in the evening hours the parking area near the entrance to the casino was packed and bustling. Valet service was rarely used by the locals and high rollers didn't exist here, not when they had a real casino less than thirty minutes away in Niagara Falls.

Jasper drove the pickup around my Volvo and stopped in the spot next to it. I attempted to scrub my eyes before I turned toward him, hoping he didn't notice I'd been so close to crying. _Who knew I'd be such a fucking wuss. _

As he put the truck into park, memories of my dream the night before drifted into my consciousness and I could feel myself responding to the images it was bringing forth. I waited to see if Jasper would even kiss me goodnight. I had fully anticipated at least a short make-out session, but now that we were sitting here I'd started to doubt my allure. Maybe a whole evening with me had only opened his eyes to the differences between us and my age had become too glaringly obvious. If our time together earlier hadn't, our last discussion and my over reaction certainly would have done the trick.

"Edward, I wasn't trying to embarrass you, but I'm sure as fuck glad I forced the discussion. It was important I know this…and I think it's kinda hot. Now that I've gotten beyond the surprise, I'm liking the idea that I have no one to feel jealous of. I can be your first for everything," he stumbled through those last words and I shifted to take a peek at him. "I'm sorry, I didn't want me to assume. I mean, you said _slow_, so I guess I'm getting ahead of myself."

Jasper tugged at my hand to pull me to him and my heart thudded in my chest as I shifted in my seat to angle myself closer. The arm rest between us and the storage console prevented our bodies from directly lining up and I suddenly wished we could go back to the days when most trucks had bench seating.

My stomach jumped up into my throat in anticipation as he reached across with one hand to pull my face to his, and I felt my heart leap across my chest when his lips finally touched mine. I could taste the licorice on his breath as my teeth clashed against his. But it was his strong and persistent hand on the back of my neck, preventing me from an escape I didn't desire, that was actually inciting my arousal beyond anything I'd ever experienced before. My cock was once again pressing painfully into the fly of my jeans and our kisses turned to an almost feverish pitch. With our mouths opened and our tongues caressing each other, we were both breathing heavily within seconds.

I couldn't believe he still wanted me after everything I'd revealed. I wanted so badly to scale the barrier between us and climb into his lap. I reached a hand up trying to find a place to touch him, but with my balance upended I had to lean on the arm rest to keep my stability. As if he could read my mind and without stopping his mouth from moving against mine, Jasper flipped the arm rest between us with his right hand and I was suddenly a lot closer.

I moved my left arm up to his chest and proceeded to touch him everywhere I could. My hand slid up his arm to his shoulder and I nearly groaned at the feel of firm muscles under my palm. Abruptly I had the urge to touch his bare skin and my hand found its way to the bottom of his t-shirt and slid underneath to stroke the smooth skin of his lower back. We both moaned as soon as my hand touched his skin and Jasper stopped kissing to lean our foreheads together as he sucked in a ragged breath.

"I so fucking want to ask you to climb into the back seat with me," he groaned out. "But I want to respect your request to take this slow."

The back seat sounded tempting to me, but I also knew I needed to set a few boundaries. My body was nipping at the idea of more, but I knew I could quickly find myself participating in something I wasn't ready for.

I was ready to explode and ready to run in equal measures.

In an unsteady voice I made my argument. "I like the idea of the back seat," I stared into his eyes to make sure he understood exactly what I was feeling at this moment, "but I'm not ready for anything too serious to happen."

"E," Jasper placed both his hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes. "Please don't feel like I'm pressuring you. I just want you close, to feel you in my arms, and to no longer deal with this fucking obstruction between us," he growled.

_His arms. _It sounded like paradise to me and I was crawling into the back seat before he could change his mind. It would have been easier to go out and back in through the doors to the backseat, but I didn't want to exit the vehicle and take the chance of being observed. _Thank the fuck for tinted windows._

He was right behind me as I thumped into the seat. Once he was seated too I shifted as close as possible. _So much better. _Unexpectedly, I felt a little shy and my face flushed pink as I considered how eager I must have appeared to him, having nearly thrown myself into the back seat without any hesitation.

Jasper grasped my hand in his. "I want you to know this is different for me. You're different for me. I usually can't stand this kind of shit, but with you I feel like having you in my arms is more than I deserve. And your blush sugar," he drawled out, "it makes it hard to keep my head straight when I see it. From the first time I saw your cheeks redden I wanted to wrap myself around you."

Taken aback by his declaration I averted my eyes in embarrassment.

"Are we moving too quickly here?" he questioned.

I shook my head and squeezed his hand to show him I still wanted him touching me. He raised his hand up and tipped my chin toward upward with one of his fingers.

"You're gonna half to get used to me talking to you this way, I can't help it."

I couldn't speak but I wanted something different anyway. The idea that he'd been attracted to me as quickly as I had him was making me greedy for more contact. I closed the distance between us and kissed him swiftly on his neck. The faint smell of hay and horses somehow made him more real to me and I wrapped my arms around him. His soft groan boosted my courage and as I reclined backwards I pulled him down on top of me. The feeling of having his weight press down on me was enough to make me shudder and groan.

Ever the gentleman, he used his hands to push himself up and carefully kept some distance between our lower bodies. One of his hands slid underneath me and I felt him tugging at my shirt indicating he wanted it off. I helped him fit it over my head and I whimpered at the sight of him dragging his own off. His upper body looked almost sculpted, _that answers my question about working out_, and the soft sprinkle of blonde hair across his chest gave him the right amount of manly sexiness.

My erection was rock hard and I could feel a sensation building up way too quickly. Now that I was here I wasn't sure if I could stop even if I wanted to. _How far was I willing to go?_

"You're so fucking beautiful E," he whispered in my ear as he stroked his hand across my abdomen. I was disappointed when he didn't drop it any lower.

Pulling him closer, the feel of skin to skin contact caused my body to react in ways I hadn't ever felt before. His mouth connected with mine again and our tongues instantly tangled.

"Maybe..." he released my lips and moved down to kiss the side of my jaw.

"We…" he licked my adam's apple.

"Need to…" he continued to kiss, suck and lick my neck and throat. I nearly came in my pants when he reached down and rubbed his palm across one of my nipples which instantly pebbled from his touch.

"Slow down?" he finished his question and I could no longer remember how it had started.

I was feverish with need and my brain was clogged with the way his naked flesh felt pressed against my own. _Slow down? _My eyes connected with his blue ones and I all but melted under the intensity of his gaze. Dazed with the realization that I could read more than lust in the way he looked at me, I reached up and brushed a curly lock away from his eye to get a better look at his expression.

When he moved his legs between mine and his thigh hit my erection my eyes half closed and a plea parted from my lips. I could then feel his own hard cock against my leg, and knowing he was turned on too set off a response I could no longer suppress. A feeling in the pit of my stomach spread out and quivered across my torso.

"Oh God," I croaked out as I lifted my hips higher and unabashedly grinded up against him, searching for any way to add more friction. "I think I'm gonna come," I warned him.

Jasper's warm breath in my ear whispered promises to come. "I can't wait to take you down my throat, I bet you taste delicious sugar."

"Oh fuck Jasper," I moaned. His words had had their desired effect and I couldn't hold it back any longer as I could feel my cock throbbing in my jeans, cum soaking through my boxers.

_How was it going to feel if he actually touches me?_

With a feeling of euphoria that hadn't quite dissipated and Jasper's erection still pressing against me, I reached to stroke him through his pants.

Jasper's hand immediately covered mine to still it and he sat back.

"No, not tonight. Come here," he indicated for me to sit between his legs.

Confused by his reaction I shuffled into his arms. "Don't you want me to touch you?"

"Absolutely," he drawled, "but for tonight I think we've gone far enough. I don't want any regrets with you and right now I need to embrace what makes me happiest."

With the feel of his strong arms around me and his chin resting on my shoulder I found myself drifting off to sleep with a smile on my face.

*****_iwtfy_*****

An allowance race: a race in which the runners have already won one race (broken their 'maiden'), but are not yet ready for a stake race.

Purse: the amount of money distributed to the owners of the horses who place in the top four positions of a completed race. The percentages run highest for the winner and descend from there.

Thanks for reading!

A/N: I apologize for not responding to reviews for the last few chapters. The limited time I have to go online has been hampered by issues with not being able to login. I receive the reviews in my email on my phone, but it takes me forever to get logged in and then I can't seem to change any pages or I'm kicked out again. It has taken me several days to get this chapter uploaded properly.

Anyone else having these same issues?


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

I'd woken with an overwhelming feeling that something wasn't right, so I'd lain in bed trying to pinpoint where this mood could be coming from. I found no reason for me to feel this way. In fact, after last night I should be flying high, not moping. I wondered if maybe I'd had a bad dream I could no longer recall and my emotional response to it was lingering.

The overcast skies seemed to agree with my disposition and only served to increase the feeling of foreboding that was beginning to solidify. Shuffling my feet toward the shed row I caught sight of Jasper's now familiar profile and my spirits finally started to lift.

As I got closer and the shadows falling onto Jasper's face receded, my lips quirked up in response to the grin I could see him sporting. The strange feeling of a menace lurking around the corner receded but didn't completely disappear.

"Morning sugar," Jasper drawled.

I resisted the urge to look around and make sure no one was within ear shot. I had to trust that he'd already be aware of our surroundings.

"Morning Jay."

Noticing he looked a tired again I wondered if he was more of a night person like me. I passed him the tray of drinks as I unlocked the tack room. This time I wasn't shaking from nerves, but I still had a little trouble opening the lock because I was anxious to get inside to relative privacy and give my man a proper hello. Jasper must have had the same idea; because no sooner did I have the door open than he'd put the drinks down and had me pinned against the wall.

His lips were on mine and his body pressed into me. My heart pounded out a rhythm that might have alarmed a cardiologist.

"I was hoping I might hear you call me baby," Jasper breathed into my mouth between kisses.

_Fuck he made everything so hot. _And even though I'd once again taken the time to relieve my morning wood in the shower, I was hard as steel and ready to go for another round. My dick was about to be seriously disappointed.

"Jay, we gotta stop. Someone could see us," I pointed out.

He sighed and took a reluctant step back. "You're right," he admitted. Then he pulled me in closer for another kiss. "I want more of this later."

I nodded while trying to keep our lips connected. _Fucking closet._

By the time Carlisle had shown up we were casually standing on opposite sides of the room sipping our drinks while my dick shouted out obscenities at the injustice of being confined in my jeans.

_Later_ couldn't come soon enough.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Torture. Pure fucking torture.

That was a morning working with Jasper.

As we continued to demonstrate a 'platonic' friendship in front of our co-workers our heated looks were kept hidden for moments alone. However, as the morning progressed the pull to act upon our desires had started to flare up. I held back the urge to lick up the sweat that was sticking to Jasper's neck as we saddled Miss Jenny for a gallop. Then when Jasper's biceps flexed under the strain of carrying Aro's full feed and water buckets I found myself wishing I could turn and watch his ass as he walked away. _Did he clench his butt cheeks when he strained his arms like that? _My dick was at half-mast the entire morning and it was almost a relief when the time rolled around for Jasper to leave to go and help his sister.

We hadn't been perfect in our attempt to keep our relationship concealed. Halfway through the morning we succumbed to our desires with a few short but heated kisses in the corner of an empty stall, almost getting caught by Alec when he came looking for Carlisle. If my bright red blush didn't call attention to our indiscretions, my stammering excuse for why we were alone was sure to send up a red flag. Our recklessness should have been more of a concern, but my dick was quickly becoming a loud voice in my ear and I wasn't sure I'd have the willpower to rein us in before disaster struck. I guess I could always blame my teenage hormones. What was Jasper's excuse?

Whenever I found myself doing monotonous work such as mucking a stall, I spent the time dreaming up places where Jasper and I could have a quick discrete rendezvous. I was so desperate I considered asking Jasper if he'd meet me in the tack room this afternoon when the place was usually deserted. The key here was the word 'usually'; you could never know when someone might walk by. This place was so fucking unpredictable and the idea that I was even considering taking the chance of being caught concerned me that I was being led by the wrong part of my anatomy. _Would it always be this way? Or would it go away after we broke some of this unresolved sexual tension?_

Even with the constant onslaught of dirty thoughts and heated exchanges, we managed to be quite productive and get our work done ahead of schedule. At one point we were waiting for Alec to return with Dem's Word and we relaxed outside the stall and chatted so as to avoid the enticement to make out in the empty stall behind us.

"How is the gum working? Did you really quit cold turkey?" I was hesitant in approaching the subject because I didn't want Jasper to feel I was pressuring him; I understood how easily slips could happen.

"Yup. I smoked my last cigarette three nights ago. I haven't had a one since," Jasper stated smugly. "The gum is okay. I only need it when I'm standing around waiting. It's those times that I feel the urge most, like I need something to keep me busy."

"How much were you smoking a day?" I asked. I was curious about when Jasper had started the habit, but apparently I was going to edge around the topic.

"I usually smoked about two or three packs a week. It wasn't too bad a habit I reckon. What's makes you so uncompromising about smoking? Are you allergic or is the taste that vile to you?"

"My aunt died of lung cancer last year." My voice sounded flat even to my ears.

"Oh."

But it was obvious it wasn't. I guess everyone knows someone who's died of cancer. My reaction probably seemed a bit excessive.

Aunt Maggie was my mother's older sister and she had been the coolest person I'd ever known. There was many the time as a child I'd dreamt of Maggie whisking me away and adopting me. She was divorced and her kids were grown up and lived on the West Coast. When she was diagnosed it was too late for any kind of treatment. The doctor's believed it started in her lungs but by the time they'd discovered the cancer it had spread to her stomach and pancreas.

I hadn't been able to talk about my mom, but I could attempt to explain Maggie.

"She made me promise on her death bed to never touch a cigarette. I wouldn't have anyway, but watching her waste away in our living room, I can't be with anyone who takes that risk. Even the smell of cigarettes makes me ill."

"Well, that's certainly makes your determined opinion a more understandable reaction," Jasper commented.

_Determined. That was a nice way to say judgmental. The remark didn't bother me, I know I am. _

Maggie had had a fear of hospitals and she had begged my parents to let her live out her last few months with us. Eventually we had to have a hospital bed installed in our family room. I watched her waste away until she was a mere seventy-four pounds. She went from being a vibrant, beautiful woman in her forties to a bag-of-bones with bed sores that was nearly the spitting image of my grandmother before she died at seventy-three. It was horrifying and left me feeling an anguish I hadn't ever imagined. Her eventual death was a relief I had never admitted to anyone.

"I was the last person she spoke to. The morphine used to play with her head, but when she dropped too much weight it made her incoherent. On her last day she perked up and talked to me. She urged me to never take up smoking and she bid me a good day at school. It was the most words she'd spoken in weeks. Less than an hour later I got the message that she'd passed away."

"That must have been hard."

I liked that Jasper wasn't giving me empty platitudes. What would 'sorry' mean anyway?

"It was difficult. I never would have taken up smoking anyway; I'd never had the slightest inclination to ever try. But watching her lose herself inch by inch, I can't stand by and watch someone else I care about take that kind of risk."

"Never even tried a cigarette? I'm dating a real boy scout aren't I?" Jasper joked trying to improve the mood.

"Last time I heard Boy Scouts didn't approve of homosexuality," I responded back with a smirk.

"I guess I'm fucking glad you're not a Boy Scout then sugar," Jasper whispered in my ear as he moved off the wall next to the stall where he'd been leaning. He readied the shank in his hand as Alec ducked his head and entered the shed row riding Dem. My dick was of course raging at more than half-mast again. _Down boy!_

*****iwtfy*****

I was pleasantly surprised to see Jasper standing by the tack room waiting for me as I finished tidying up the shed row. He'd left a little over an hour ago to help Rosalie with her horses and we had agreed to meet up in the parking lot at one. He was going to have lunch with his sister and drive her home before we went out somewhere. We hadn't made any firm plans of where we'd end up, but I was praying it was somewhere where we could have privacy. Visions of a meadow I'd discovered as a boy had been flitting through my brain and I wondered if I could find it again. It would be the perfect place for a sunny afternoon like today.

I stopped short when I saw a look in Jasper's eyes that I'd never seen. It was hard to read, but it was definitely reserved and I couldn't see any of his usual good humor. No lust either. His eyes shifted away from mine and I broke into a cold sweat. My earlier sense of dread came back to me like I'd been doused with a pail of cold water.

Unfortunately my instincts were spot on.

"How old are you Edward?" Jasper asked with a serious expression marring his features.

A chill ran up my spine as I tried to keep my fear at bay and my stomach rolled as I considered the implications of his sudden interest in my exact age.

_Something's happened. Why was he asking my age now? Who has he been talking to?_

"Why are you asking? _You _know how old I am. I was there when Fred told you I had a few more years until I was legal to drink." I hated that my voice sounded small and scared. I urged myself to stand up taller; I didn't know why, but suddenly the fact that I was tall seemed like something I should emphasize. _See I may be young, but I look like a man._

"Because you see, that might be interpreted differently by a Texan who'd only moved here less than a month ago. In Texas the legal age is twenty-one, but that's not the case in Ontario is it?"

_Fuck._ I shook my head. _He thought I was nineteen. What did this mean for us?_

"How old are you Edward?" Jasper was insisting on a direct answer to his question.

My lungs suddenly felt like they had a leak and I worried I was about to collapse.

"Seventeen," I admitted. Truthfully, until moments ago, I thought he _knew_.

"Seventeen," Jasper repeated, his face looking strangely blank. He closed his eyes as if he couldn't even bear to look at me. "So you're what, a senior in high school?"

I nodded my head unable to speak but then I remembered he wouldn't be able to see it. "Yes," I whispered, as if the quieter I was, the less harsh the news would be.

"Fuck," Jasper muttered and he turned away. I watched with apprehension and a churning stomach as he walked out of the barn and over to Rosalie's. We hadn't been planning to meet up yet, but the fact that he hadn't acknowledged me as he left was tearing me up. I wanted to chase after him and demand an answer but I couldn't move; too many witnesses.

_Was it really that bad that I was a little younger than he'd been thinking? Was it really that big of a deal? I'm the same person he'd gotten to know. Shouldn't maturity count more than age?_

I sat in my car and waited for hours, well past our agreed meeting time.

Jasper never did show up.

He didn't answer any of my texts either.

*****_iwtfy_*****

A/N: Before you string me up too much let me explain _my _take on fan fiction. Unless stated/warned before the story starts or in the summary, HEA should be assumed between the two named protagonists. In my original fiction anything goes - HEA be damned. But this is fan fiction so stick with me – although it might be a longer road than you anticipated!

Thanks for reading!


	21. Chapter 21

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews – you guys are great! This one is short, but I promise I'll have two postings this week.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_I sat in my car and waited for hours, well past our agreed meeting time. _

_Jasper never did show up._

_He didn't answer any of my texts either._

I knew I'd forgive him the minute I saw him. It was a disconcerting coincidence how we'd both been mistaken about our age difference, and I now wondered if we'd ever be able to repair our relationship.

I had no one to talk to about our situation. I felt isolated and uncertain about what to expect of Jasper.

I hadn't spoken to Garrett since we went out for dinner and I was still angry with him. I could call him, and after listening to his bitching for several minutes he'd without a doubt forgive me for whatever it was he felt I'd done wrong. Yet, this wasn't something I felt like sharing with him. I would have exploded if I heard even one "I told you so," and knowing Garrett as I did, that would be a freaking impossibility to avoid. My best friend didn't have the good sense to know when to keep his trap shut.

My other alternative, Emmett, was a better option. But since he had no idea I was even gay, asking for relationship advice would probably be a little too much for our first conversation on the topic.

_Did Jasper blame me for this misunderstanding? _I almost hoped that was the problem, because the other reason for his absence, that he might never be okay with dating someone still in high school, was not something I could change or apologize for.

When I finally decided to drive home I had to fight the urge to turn back at every corner. Apparently three hours and still no word wasn't enough to make me lose all faith.

If I'd known where he lived I'm sure I would have done a drive-by. I guess I wasn't entirely opposed to stalking.

When I got home I was thankful to find no one around to avoid. My mom was probably in her bedroom and Dad was still at work. I snuck through the house and sighed with relief when I was behind my bedroom door and able to turn the lock without having been seen by either of my parents. There was an ache behind my eyes and a heaviness in my chest that made me realize I wasn't expecting a happy ending.

I tried Jasper's cell one last time and this time left a message. Swallowing several times before speaking I forced my voice to sound as upbeat as possible. I couldn't let him know how much this was affecting me. If there was any possibility of this situation working itself out, displaying maturity at this point was a definite must.

"Hey Jay. I waited for you this afternoon. Call me when you can. I know we need to talk."

_*****iwtfy*****_

The next morning I'd awoken before my alarm clock and waited for the familiar sound of the radio popping on. When it took longer than expected I sat up and took a glance at the clock.

3:58 a.m.

_Fuck._

Knowing I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep, I reached for my cell to see if I had any messages. Someone had called late last night and even though I'd heard it ring I hadn't made any effort to pick it up. If it had been Jasper, waiting to call me nearly ten hours after he stood me up was probably a good indication that what he had to say was not what I'd want to hear. Last night I'd avoided, this morning I knew I needed to know what I'd be walking into.

There were two messages, both from Jasper's number. My pulse raced and my hands started to sweat. I almost dropped the phone when I heard his voice.

"Hey Edward, it's Jasper. Sorry about not showing up earlier. Would you believe I went home with Rosalie for lunch and then fell asleep before she finished cooking." His voice broke off with a chuckle. "I guess these early mornings finally hit me." There was a pause and it sounded like he was clearing his throat. "She didn't realize I had plans to meet anyone so she didn't wake me up. I feel like a fucking jerk for standing you up. Sorry for leaving you to wait and for calling so late. Hope I didn't wake you. We'll talk tomorrow. Bye."

I had closed my eyes as I listened to his voice. Something was off and I was confused by the message. It didn't _sound_ like Jasper to me. His accent was almost completely absent and there was something rehearsed about the way he made his excuse. Still, he'd called, there was no mention of breaking up, and he hadn't sounded angry.

_Maybe this whole incident will simply blow over. _

Hope blossomed within me and I was suddenly anxious to hear his second message.

"E, we need to talk." I gripped the phone harder as I listened to the shake in his voice, his accent suddenly clear. _This_ was the real Jasper. All the optimism I had moments ago flew out the window.

"I can't lie worth shit. I mean, if I really fell asleep after lunch why did I wait till after eleven to call ya? I'm sure you saw right through that bullshit and that's why ya won't pick up. Look, I fucked up. I was thrown for a loop when I found out your age. Fuck, I was havin' enough trouble accept'n the idea of a boyfriend who was 19 years old, then to find out you're in high school. I don't think…" There was a pause and then a sigh. "Look, call me. If I don't hear from ya, well, I'll be at work early tomorrow to talk." He ended the call without saying goodbye.

It was over.

I didn't know how I knew for sure, but it resonated through every fiber of my body.

It was over and I wanted to throw up.

The pain behind my eyes returned with angry pulsing throb.

_Why did he have to cling to that one detail? How could he let the way we connected be overturned by a number?_ Maybe he didn't appreciate how strongly I felt about him. Maybe he didn't think someone so young could feel how I do.

_Oh my God. _This wasn't infatuation.

I was in love with him.

Feeling shattered inside I curled up on my bed and let the phone drop to the floor. Pain rifled through me like a tidal wave and my heart thundered too rapidly. I wondered if one could have a heart attack at my age.

_How was this going to work?_

_If he breaks up with me like I fucking KNOW he will, how can I continue to work with him, day-in and day-out?_

_How was I going to survive this?_

I pictured the look I could expect on Jasper's face – apologetic and full of _pity. _It was crushing to imagine.

I wanted to hide away forever. I_ wanted_ to fucking cry.

I didn't do either.

Instead, when it finally came time to go to work I picked myself up and forced myself to move. Every step took immense effort. Drying off after a shower took too much concentration and I dripped dry while I avoided looking in the mirror.

As I went through the motions of the morning I realized that more than anything I wanted to salvage our friendship. We hadn't known each other long, but if I discounted the overwhelming attraction between us, I think we still would have been friends. Our conversations flowed, we had an easy rapport, and when we talked we had a lot in common. I was positive we would have liked each other in some way regardless of our orientation.

And I didn't want to completely lose him from my life. If I couldn't be his boyfriend, I wanted any piece of him I could get. It would be painful but necessary. I could never let him know how deep my feelings ran. If he found out I was in love with him, I was positive it would result in an awkwardness we'd never overcome.

Driving to work, I ran through every scenario possible of how I would react. In some I remained stoic as Jasper related all the reasons this relationship wouldn't work. In other ones I broke down and begged him to give me a chance. In all of them I found one common denominator – I would insist we remain friends. I wasn't going to take no for an answer.

What I never expected was that I would be the one to end it.

*****_iwtfy_*****

Thanks for reading!


	22. Chapter 22

Sorry it took so long to post, I didn't like what I'd written and I started over from scratch. Thanks to all those who reviewed, it always means a lot to me!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

As if Mother Nature was laughing at me I could feel how nice a day it was going to be. The sun hadn't yet risen over the horizon so the air was still cool and crisp. The heavy humidity had disappeared with yesterday's rain and I could tell today was going to be sunny.

It was early and not many workers had arrived. The crunch of my shoes over the gravel was the only noise I could hear and I distracted myself by trying to keep consistent timing between steps. I kept my gaze fixed at my feet and refused to look for Jasper. My heart was beating rapidly and my stomach was churning. Jasper had said he'd arrive early, so there was a good chance he'd already be here.

As I reached the last barn and turned to walk up to the shed row I caught sight of someone's profile in the shadows of the building. If it was Jasper he wasn't waiting at the tack room door.

My eyes narrowed as I tried to adjust to the darker light in the shed row. The person standing by the barn was recognizable and smoking and I found myself making excuses. With a substance as addictive as nicotine, it was normal to fall back to it at stressful times. As I got closer I could see Jasper watching me and he didn't try to hide his slip-up or even have the decency to look ashamed. My brain worked overtime trying to figure out what this all meant.

"Morning Jay," I called out, trying for laid-back. Inside I was anything but.

He nodded at me and then butted out his cigarette on the bottom of his boot. When he flicked the butt on the grass I turned back to opening the tack room door. I would never hold a lapse against him, but I also knew I couldn't ignore the blatant signals he was trying to give me. I no longer had any doubt as to the direction our conversation would be headed.

Begging was no longer an option. The end of our relationship was a foregone conclusion and I decided right then to buck up and take it like a man. My plan to stay friends was now my biggest concern because it meant that I could hold on to the hope that we'd have another chance when I was old enough. Not that I was going to mention _that_ in my argument.

Jasper followed me into the tack room and I avoided looking at him as I tried to keep my tears at bay. It was over and I was coming close to breaking down.

I decided right then that I'd meet it head on.

"I guess this is it then?" I offered casually as I looked up into his eyes.

Jasper looked surprised by my declaration but he quickly covered it up with a blank look.

"_It_ meaning?" he asked. His voice sounded rough but I was sure this could only be a relief for him.

"I'd like it if we could remain friends," I'd ignored his question knowing he was only trying to save me the humiliation.

"Friends?" He'd turned away and from me and I couldn't understand why he was suddenly acting like this hadn't been his plan all along. "That's… why... that would be perfect," he admitted.

Even though I'd been the one to suggest it his quick agreement left me in pieces.

My heart was breaking at the idea that this could be it. That Jasper might meet someone else while I waited for him. The image of his lips on someone else's made me burn with jealousy. I kind of hoped that if he had to be involved with anyone it would only be back to his usual M.O., that no guy would last more than one night.

I wanted to be the only one he dreamed about.

Holding onto the pitchfork next to me as if it was the only thing keeping me upright, I suddenly realized that I might never feel Jasper's arms around me again. _Thank God he isn't looking at me or he would see that I'm hardly holding myself together._

Yet, as all these negative thoughts swirled around my head, I still held on to the idea that we were made to be together. Deep down I had confidence that even if Jasper had other relationships over the coming years, what we had together was special and there was a good chance we could still end up together.

I needed to keep this hope alive.

This is what was keeping me from begging.

_This_ was the reason I'd initiated the breakup. If we had any chance for a future together it was better to wait for the right timing.

As heartbroken as I was, I was surprised to feel some sense of relief. I hadn't realized until that moment how stressed I'd been. The age difference was a constant worry; I was always concerned I would say or do something that would make my youth so glaringly obvious that Jasper would lose interest.

And Garrett was right.

_Fuck. I can't believe I'm admitting to this. _

The stress of our age difference wasn't the only factor to consider. Hiding our relationship and sexual orientation was the wrong way to start a relationship. It might have worked for awhile, but in the long run it would have been toxic and our memories spoiled.

The feeling that I was now making the correct decision gave me the confidence to continue forward with my plan. I pushed down on the pitchfork and straightened my posture.

"Great. I know it might be awkward, but I think we can manage it, don't you?" I smiled hopefully, waiting for him to turn around and see that everything would be okay.

Jasper turned back toward me as I'd hoped. His expression was unreadable and I wavered. He still looked so fucking gorgeous and I wanted to throw myself into his arms.

"I'm sorry about last night," he apologized. Then he gave off a mirthless laugh and shook his head. "It seems like out of the two of us, you are actually the more mature one."

I continued to smile. His impression that I was mature made me feel a little proud.

"I had more time to adjust to the idea," I was offering him an excuse, but it was true. I'd known about the age difference the entire time. The fact that he _hadn't_ known was what I had to get used to. Now all of our interactions had a certain taint to them.

"So you're breaking up with me but you want to stay friends?" he summarized.

I stepped closer. _Yup, my heart still thrummed faster. _Having him within my personal space was still intoxicating. _How can a breakup be this sexually charged?_

"The age difference, the hiding, it's all too much. I feel like we had two strikes against us from the get go. I don't want to lose you as a friend," I explained.

"Are those the only reasons you're ending this?" Jasper inquired. "You aren't upset with how I acted yesterday… or the fact that I started smoking again?"

"I can't say either of those make me jump for joy, but they aren't enough of a reason for me to break us up. At least not without giving you a chance to explain."

"Sugar," he shook his head and shot me a lopsided grin that caused my dick to harden.

_Fuck. Not now._ I shifted my weight, trying in vain to ignore the way my body reacted to him. This had to be some kind of faux pas. Sporting wood while breaking up with someone; it might be funny if I wasn't so damn turned on right now.

"E, I'm gonna have a real hard time keeping things platonic. I agree with your decision. Your age _was_ causing me some real anxiety, but it's not so easy to turn off those feelings or reactions to you. I'm only saying this as a warning, you know, in case I slip-up and you catch me staring a little too long at you."

I loved the fact that he might have a hard time with it. If my current erection was any indication, this was going to be an issue for me too. I guess we were going to have to expect smoldering looks and unresolved sexual tension for the duration of our friendship. At least I hoped so. It would be bittersweet, but totally worth it.

"I'm okay with that as long as I'm still allowed to have you starring in my fantasies," I teased.

_Like I'd stop even if he wasn't okay with it._

Jasper swallowed slowly and I swear his eyes darkened as he stepped in close. "Would it be fucking weird if I kissed you now?"

My heart stuttered, but unfortunately he didn't smell clean and minty. Remembering the cigarette I took a step back and grimaced. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

The lust in Jasper's eyes evaporated and he stepped back. "Sorry, I uh, shouldn't have crossed that line."

"Don't apologize," I responded quickly, afraid I'd ruined our moment. "I felt it too. But, I can't stand the smell of smoke, so the taste…" I shrugged.

"It's not because you think I'm some dirty old man?"

I laughed at the picture that popped into my head - Jasper as an old man, hunched over and using a cane.

"Fuck no. I love kissing you. I _wish_ we didn't have to break up. If you didn't smell like cigarettes I would have welcomed a last kiss."

_God how I wished I didn't have such stupid hang-ups._

"If that's the case, would you allow me to clean up, get rid of this disgusting breath, and maybe have a last date with me tonight?"

"That sounds great," I responded with relief and my dick twitched with expectation.

"I'll pick you in the parking lot at two?"

"Sure," I agreed.

I didn't know how the night was going to progress, but keeping my true feelings to myself was going to be one of the most difficult tests I'd ever put myself through. I had no idea if I was up for the challenge.

*****_iwtfy_*****

My next chapter is written but I gotta make a few changes. I hope to post on the weekend.

Thanks for reading!


	23. Chapter 23

I had this written on Friday but both my girls came down with a virus over the weekend and I didn't have the time to edit. I'm working with no sleep, so there will probably be a lot of mistakes. Thanks for those who've reviewed. I promise I'll get back to you soon!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

"_I wish things could be so different," my dream Jasper whispered to me as he stroked my cheek._

_I moved into his hand and sniffed. He smelled so good. I turned to lick his palm and he groaned and pulled his hand away. I wanted to cry out but I couldn't. He'd tasted sweet and I wondered if he would taste that way all over._

"_If you weren't so young I'd fight you on this. But you're seventeen. A child really. Being with someone like me would fucking end your childhood. And as much as you seem like an adult already, I can't do that. I can't._

_His fingers ran through my hair and I shivered at his touch. _

"_I wish I'd been half as strong as you. Maybe two years makes all the difference. But, I can't take the chance that you'd put me in the same box as him._

"_Jasper please, don't leave me." _

_I tried to pull his hand back toward me but for some reason he wouldn't acknowledge me. _

_I wanted to explain how I haven't been a child for years. Why wouldn't he listen? _

_Just wait and see, I'll come out to my parents and I'll have no one left. None. What kind of childhood is that?_

_When I realized Jasper hadn't even noticed how upset his words were making me I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled. _

_Maybe he's not talking to me?_

_Maybe there is someone else here? I searched around us but couldn't see anyone._

_Then Jasper was no longer wearing jeans and cowboy boots, instead he had on a tweed coat with patches on the elbows and was wearing glasses. He no longer looked at me as he spoke and his hands still wouldn't touch me. _

"_You're so smart and mature."_

_Who was he talking to?_

"_And so fucking strong in your convictions. You're all I want. All I'll ever want."_

_Who's strong? My heart was crushed to hear him talking this way to someone else._

_Just then the person he was talking to came into focus and I wanted to throw up. _

_Garrett threw his arm over Jasper's shoulder and winked at me. My stomach dropped to the floor._

"_Isn't he the cutest? Such a catch Ted! Why the __**fuck**__ did you toss him aside?"_

I woke up with a start, bolting upright.

"Easy sugar, I wouldn't hurt you." A sweet voice drawled behind me. I turned my head, realizing I'd fallen asleep on the couch and I must have had my head in Jasper's lap. I blushed to my roots and wondered if I'd talked in my sleep. The dream I'd experienced was rapidly becoming hazy.

"Come here," Jasper directed as he tugged at my waist and tried to pull me back toward him. "You were having quite the dream; I had a hard time keeping my hands to myself, especially when you starting calling out my name."

I moved back toward him and let him wrap his arms around me. It didn't matter that I was embarrassed, his arms around me was better than anything in the world.

"What time is it?"

"A little after five. We should probably head over to the track soon."

"Fuck," I groaned. "Sorry for sleeping the afternoon away."

_What a waste of precious time!_

After having an awkward morning of keeping our distance, Jasper had stopped back by the barn after helping Rosalie.

"_Rose is heading to Toronto this afternoon with Heidi. I'm gonna have to come back to the track and feed her horses. It's gonna cut into our time together."_

_I was disappointed thinking that instead of starting our time together at 2, we were going to wait until the evening. But then he surprised me._

"_Since Rose won't be around, we could hang out at my house for the afternoon, come back and feed the horses at dinnertime and then go out on our date after. That is, if you feel comfortable hanging out at my place."_

"_Sure," I smiled at him, "that sounds great."_

Since I was going to be coming back with Jasper anyway, I'd offered to feed our horses and Carlisle had quickly accepted the offer so that he could have the rest of the afternoon off. He said Esme would be happy and to expect some banana bread in the future. I loved her bread so it was a good deal.

It was well after one-thirty by the time I was finished unloading the hay truck, and it didn't leave me enough time for a shower. When Jasper picked me up in the parking lot I must have complained enough about the heat and how sweaty I felt because he quickly offered to let me shower at his place. I admit, I was a little nervous about the situation, but Jasper stayed in his living room and didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all.

Jasper and Rosalie were renting a three bedroom bungalow that looked it was built in the seventies and had never been remodeled. It was located in the same neighborhood as my house and was actually only a few blocks away. They had very little furniture, but what they had looked high end and new, totally not fitting with the rundown condition of the house. The house had only had one bathroom and it was located between the bedrooms, down the hall from the living room.

Between the late night, restless sleep, and early morning, I was exhausted. I must have fallen asleep as we'd watched a movie. I'd started out on the couch leaning into Jasper, but I hadn't expected to wake up with my head in Jasper's lap. Not that I minded, I only wished I'd been aware and could have taken some pleasure out of the experience.

Knowing we had to leave soon, I stretched my arms up high above my head to wake myself up and get the kinks out. I was pretty stiff from tossing bales earlier and I might have groaned as I stretched. Jasper's hands shifted from holding me through my t-shirt to holding my bare sides. His touch made me tingle and I was instantly running hot.

_How does it exactly work when you're on your last date? _

I felt comfortable having his arms around me, but I wasn't sure what it meant for making out.

_Would he want to do more than give me a final kiss? _I certainly wanted more, but then that probably made me a greedy, insensitive asshole, since _I_ was the one who insisted we could only be friends.

I stood up quickly forcing him to drop his hands. I liked having them on me, but I felt like I was throwing off mixed signals. Not surprising when I had such mixed up feelings inside. I refused to watch Jasper and see his reaction. It didn't matter either way. I hadn't wanted him to stop touching me, but it was necessary.

"We're heading out then?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah, we should probably get going." My face continued to burn and I looked anywhere but at him. I was fighting the urge to turn and attack him with my lips and hands. I would have liked nothing better than to stay in our own little bubble and forget why we couldn't stay together.

"The sooner we get the horses fed and watered, the sooner we can get this date over with." I grimaced as I realized how it sounded. I didn't want the date "over with", but my mouth seemed to have a mind of its own when I was nervous.

"I mean, get this date _on with_. Not over with. I'm looking forward to spending time with you," I explained.

"Are you now sugar?" Jasper questioned; the disbelief in his voice clearly evident.

I finally looked back at him and could see he looked miserable. Instantly my guilt tripled. I hated that I'd caused him to look that way.

I sat back down with a sigh.

"Look, this situation is weird. I don't _want_ to break up. I want you. Not as a friend, but as a boyfriend. But, we _can't_. I'm still in high school. You've already graduated from college. We aren't in the same place. Yet, here we are and I'm still so fucking attracted to you that I don't know how to act. It's so fucked up."

I brought my fingers to the bridge of my nose and pinched. "I have no idea how to act with you or what to say," I admitted.

Jasper's hand pulled mine away from my nose and he wrapped his arms around me. "I'm feelin' pretty out of sorts too. I want to push you to change your mind, but I know that no matter how freakin' hard it will be, we _are_ making the right decision. And you're right, this date is awkward, but I was selfish. I needed this last time with you. I couldn't accept that we'd already missed it. I need to hold you for one more night."

His arms tightened around me and I wished we could stay like that forever. I was aware of every part of my body that touched his. His scent was driving me mad and I hated that this was all going to go away.

_How can I let him go? Can't we promise each other that we'll try again in a few years?_

Instead of telling him how I felt, I kissed him on the side of the neck, unable to resist tasting him again. He moaned as he held me and I got braver still and gave him a tentative lick by his ear.

"Fuck sugar, you gotta stop that if we're gonna go feed those ponies."

I pulled back and then leaned in and kissed him hard; trying to put everything I was feeling into it. The need to feel him consumed me. The need to have him want me was so great I practically swallowed his tongue when he pushed it into my mouth.

He pulled back and let me go and I instantly felt rejected.

"Oh sugar, we are never going to get to the track and get our work done if you keep that up. My will power is pretty much non-existent around you and frankly I think I'm close to breaking."

My rejection slowly morphed into surprise, my need to be close to him ever increasing.

Jasper stood up and pulled me with him. "I want to take you to my bedroom and do things to you that you never experienced before. So we _need _to stop and take a break. It's time we got going anyway."

_Oh. _I hadn't considered that Jasper would be having trouble reining it in. He had so much more experience. I'd thought kissing would be so tame for him that it wouldn't be all that big a deal. The idea that I was affecting him in much the same way he affected me was a bit heady… and tempting.

Yet, as always, I acted as the ever responsible kid, something I was beginning to tire of, and followed his lead accepting that we should cool things down.

We drove to the track in silence. Jasper's hand rested on my thigh the whole time and I wondered what it would be like after tonight.

_Would we go out places together? _

_How would it feel to drive someplace and not have Jasper touching me? _I knew I was going to miss this feeling and I couldn't imagine us going out and never touching or kissing.

_Could we do it? Or would we avoid being alone together to steer clear of any temptation or awkwardness?_

As we pulled into the parking lot I pushed away my melancholy. There would be plenty of time for that after tonight. I wanted to make the most of my last hours with Jasper.

Not wanting to lose even a minute of my time with him, I decided to help him with Rosalie's horses and then we could do Twilight's together. We worked quickly and intuitively, with no need to communicate verbally. It was as if we'd worked together forever.

When we made it to the Twilight shed row I saw a familiar truck.

"Hey Dr. Tremblay," I called out to the man seated in the front seat, his door hanging open. I was curious as to why he was here. It looked like he'd been waiting around and Carlisle hadn't said we needed any veterinary work tonight.

He looked over at me smiling and raised his hand up in greeting.

"Evening Edward."

I could feel Jasper come up behind me and Peter's smile disappeared as his focused his attention on the other man.

"Dr. Tremblay, this is Jasper, he's working for Twilight now. Jasper, this is the veterinarian who takes care of our horses," I introduced the two even though I had the impression they knew each other.

Ignoring the introduction, Peter took a step back and I was surprised by his apparent rudeness.

"Can I talk to you alone Edward?" He indicated with his hand a spot near his truck.

Remembering his job proposition, I was suddenly sure my time to contemplate the idea was going to end. He wanted an answer and I still hadn't come to a decision.

"Uh, Dr. Tremblay, if this is about the job, I still need more time to consider it. I can give you an answer in a couple of days."

Jasper coughed behind me and I could hear him walk away. When I heard him start collecting the buckets from the stalls Peter glanced away from me and it almost looked like a frown crossed his face. It disappeared so fast I wondered if I hadn't imagined it.

"Did Carlisle tell you I was hoping you could start working weekends in the fall? It would mean Saturdays and Sundays at the track until November and then visiting the farms on Saturdays through the rest of the winter."

"Uh, he kind of mentioned it but without details. I have a job during the school year at the Forks Animal Hospital. I've worked there for three years. I'm definitely interested in your proposition, but I have to think about it. How much will it pay?"

Peter grinned at me. "Well, how much does the animal hospital pay you? I think I can make it worth your while."

I was flattered by the doctor singling me out. It would be easy for him to find interested, qualified workers if he let it out he was looking.

"Uh," I felt kind of put on-the-spot with his question. "They pay me $10.50 an hour. I'm only a student assistant," I explained.

"Well I think I can offer $15 an hour. More if you find you'd have gotten more hours at the hospital."

Jasper cleared his throat behind me. "Edward, do any of the horses get any additives to their oats?"

Startled by the interruption, I realized I'd left Jasper to do all the work alone.

"Yeah, some of them need a few things extra," I turned to Jasper ready to apologize but my voice drifted off when I noticed his eyes were locked on Peter's. "I'm almost done here. I'll help you in a second."

I turned back to Peter. "I'll have to think about it Doc. I'll get back to you later in the week."

"Alright Edward. Think about it. I hope you take it. I think we'll work well together."

Jasper was beside me now and he snorted at the vet's last comment. Peter was already walking away so I doubt he'd heard him. I was a little hurt that he clearly didn't have the same confidence in my work abilities as Dr. Tremblay did.

"See ya later Doctor," I called out as I turned back toward Jasper with a sigh.

_Why did it feel like there was so much animosity between them?_

"You can't work for him Edward."

_Oh so it was __**Edward **__now. _My anger rose up when I heard what sounded like an order. _No one tells me what to do._ _My parents_ hadn't even done that for years.

"Let's get these horses fed." I chose to ignore his comment. I didn't want to ruin our only night together with an argument.

We worked quickly to finish up; I think we were each trying to keep the peace but the tension hadn't completely disappeared.

"Where are we going tonight?" I asked Jasper as I finished sweeping the shed row and locking the tack room door.

"I was thinking that since Rosalie will still be away we could get some takeout and hang out at my place again. Maybe this time you'll stay awake for a movie," he teased.

Having more time alone with Jasper was exactly what I'd hoped for, and I decided right then that we would need to stay away from the topic of Dr. Tremblay if we wanted to enjoy our last night together.

"I don't know, your couch and lap was a lethal combination," I answered back, grinning to show I was only kidding, "I might not be able to help myself."

_*****iwtfy*****_

We picked up a pizza on the way to his house and settled on an action flick neither of us had seen. Partway through the movie we took a break and put away our dishes. It was then Jasper chose to bring up the topic I'd been hoping to avoid.

"You can't work for the vet," he stated as he sat down next to me.

I stiffened at his tone. _Why did this have to come up tonight?_

"And why _not?_"

I waited for his response. Jasper took awhile to come up with his response.

"That _guy_ gives off a bad vibe. I have an instinct about people and he's not one of the good ones."

I snorted. _Good ones? _

"You're going to have to give me more than that. I've never heard a bad word about him and he's offering me an excellent opportunity.

"What's so great about it?" Jasper asked.

It was a fair question. We'd never discussed our career plans. In fact, I only realized at this moment that we'd refrained from any talk of the future.

"The only job I've ever wanted was to be a veterinarian, specifically one for large animals or horses. This job would look awesome on my application to veterinary school."

Jasper looked startled by this information.

"I didn't realize E, I'd always assumed with how hard you work for Carlisle that you wanted to be a trainer. I kind of wondered why you were still going to school when I thought you were nineteen. I guess I assumed it was for a business degree or something along those lines."

"No, I've never aspired to be a trainer; that would be my brother Emmett. Training horses is a constant gamble with a fluctuating income. I don't have it in me to worry about my next paycheck; I need a profession with stability."

"Veterinarian. Huh. You must make good grades then?" Jasper inquired.

I wondered if the idea that I was academically intelligent would be as much of a turn on for him as it had been for me when I discovered he was planning to attend graduate school.

I shrugged. "I've never missed the honor roll." I decided to take the opportunity to find out more about him. "You said you plan to go to grad school?"

"Yeah, sometime next year. I'll have to see how Rose is coping." _Rosalie again._ I wondered what could have happened to her that demanded so much of Jasper.

"The fall semester would be too soon, but maybe the winter semester. Honor roll?" he refocused the attention on me. "Your parents must be proud." His blue eyes twinkled at me like he was proud too. "I bet they have one of those bumper stickers that brags about their son being on the honor roll."

_Not on your life. _I don't even think my parents knew that I did so well. As long as they weren't required to come to parent-teacher interviews they stayed out of my business. Not wanting to talk about my parents, I changed the subject.

"Where do you plan to go to grad school?"

"I_ had_ planned to go back to one of the Texas schools, but now I'm looking to stay closer to Rose. I think I might see what Toronto has to offer.

"Toronto, really!" I couldn't keep my excitement out of my voice. If Jasper ended up in Toronto we'd be in the same city when I reached a more appropriate age. Hope surged through me and I grinned at Jasper. "I'm planning to take my undergrad at Toronto."

Jasper smiled back at me, but his enthusiasm seemed muted compared to mine. I tried not to let his underwhelming reaction get me down. Maybe the future was still too much up in the air for him to feel the same. I didn't want to think that maybe he didn't see us having a future.

We settled back down on the couch and Jasper put his arm over my shoulder bringing me closer. We didn't talk about the future again.

As it turned out, it was something I would always regret.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Jasper drove me back to my car when it started to get late enough that his sister would be returning soon.

Even though our relationship was ending and tomorrow we'd be only friends, my spirits were still high with the possibility for the future. I hadn't realized how little I'd considered the logistics of starting over in a few years. If Jasper moved back to Texas there was little chance we'd end up together, so I was definitely going to push Toronto's high points at every opportunity.

Once we parked we both launched ourselves at each other, discarding our shirts took only a moment. Back at his house we'd kept our touching to an innocent level, but suddenly it seemed we were insatiable.

Our kissing and touching went on forever. It was a back and forth type of motion. One of us would stop and the other would start it back over. The sound of our tongues clashing and our spit being exchanged made me want to crawl up inside him.

It felt like once our lips stopped touching it would all be over and neither of us was ready. My head was swimming, my heart pounding with a sharp twist in my chest, and I felt like crying.

_How could ending this be right when it felt like my world would be over?_

Somehow, without any conversation, we ended up back in his back seat again.

The kissing and touching continued on in a feverish pace. As I pulled away once again trying to catch my bearings Jasper moaned. The sound brought tears to my eyes and I wondered how I could have been so stupid. This couldn't be right, not when we were both struggling so much to keep connected.

Jasper pulled me down on top of him and I felt a rush of excitement with this new position. My hands came down to his chest as I kissed and sucked on his shoulder and he whimpered causing my dick to swell even harder. Our erections were rubbing together and I couldn't help but grind myself into him. Jasper pulled my face back up to his and our mouths connected as if we were going to eat each other's faces.

When his hand moved down and pressed on my cock through my shorts I jumped back in surprise. No one had ever touched me there and it was an involuntary reaction. Yet, as involuntary as it was, I knew there was more to it than that. I wasn't ready and this was definitely not the right time.

Feeling so many conflicting emotions I took a moment to check within myself. As much as it pained me, I was still going to walk away tonight and end this side of our relationship. I wanted Jasper forever and this wasn't the time for us to start.

"Sorry sugar," Jasper apologized. "You felt so good against me I wasn't thinking. Please don't stop kissing me; I'll keep my hands above the waist."

_Ugh. _I launched myself back to him and my mouth swallowed his tongue.

_How was it that he was so understanding?_

My lust and emotions swung again and I wanted so much to be naked with him, to feel _all_ of him against me. Yet, I knew at this moment I was too weak and vulnerable and I'd definitely let things to go too far. He tasted so good and felt so amazing under my hands.

I wanted to cum one more time with him.

I pulled my mouth back for a second, breathing heavily.

"Baby, I _want_ you to touch me. But, it's not right. Not for my first time. Not when this will be our last." _For now. "_ Fuck! I want to do everything with you," I admitted.

Jasper groaned at my words and brought his hands up to wipe off my cheeks. I hadn't realized how wet they were until that moment.

"God sugar, why are you crying? Am I pushing you too much? Do you regret parking with me? Did you want to… say goodbye?"

_Regretting being with Jasper? Never. _

_Wishing we could have met when I was twenty? Definitely. _

_Wishing we didn't have to end this? Fuck yeah. _

"I wish I was ready to let you make love to me."_ Now that I said it out loud I wanted to erase all my words except "make love to me."_

Jasper sucked in his breath and sat up, leaning in close he gave me a searing but sweet kiss. "I wish you were ready too. Not that I'm disappointed in you. Actually it's the fucking opposite. You are so fucking mature and the most perfect man I've been with. I feel fucking lucky to have ever met ya. How is it you are only seventeen?"

I smiled through my tears. Jasper's words had a way of lifting me up. They gave me hope that he might still be willing to try in a few years. I was itching to tell him that I planned to wait for him, but I didn't have the guts. I was certain that he wouldn't be able to promise me the same thing and I wasn't strong enough to handle the sting of his rejection. I was in enough pain knowing that while I loved him he didn't return my feelings. If he did, I didn't think he'd let me go over an age difference. It wasn't like it was illegal. The age of consent in Ontario was sixteen, I'd looked it up.

_Christ, I'm a mess of indecisions and fluctuating emotions._

Instead I kissed him again, and this time I fell backwards pulling him on top of me. I never wanted to end the feel of his skin on mine, his body pressing down on me, and the taste of his lips and tongue.

It was intoxicating but bittersweet.

Tonight might be a mix of heaven and hell. But tomorrow, tomorrow there would be no heaven. It was all downhill from here and that was what made it even harder to say goodbye.

*****_iwtfy_*****

No more promises on when I'll update next - I can't be relied upon!

Thanks for reading!


	24. Chapter 24

Thanks for all the reviews! When I get my computer working properly I'll be responding to them with my words of gratitude and an outtake.

This one is short, but another is coming soon. Possibly over the weekend.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_**Three weeks later**_

"E! Who did this to you? TELL ME!" Jasper demanded.

I would have laughed if it didn't hurt so much to smile. Ironically, it wasn't the physical beating that had left me broken but the man who was now demanding an answer.

"Go away Jasper. This is none of your business," I looked into his eyes with a look that implored him to leave it alone.

I moved to unhook the bottom door to Miss Jenny's stall but before I could open it Jasper put his hand over mine to stop me. His touch shot a ripple of longing through me. I wished I could hold his hand for real. Instead, I pulled away and took a quick look around. I didn't want anyone we worked with to take notice of our exchange.

Having looked into my eyes he must have seen how far I'd fallen.

"Sugar, please!" Jasper whispered in an urgent tone directly into my ear as he pulled me into the nearest empty stall.

_Sugar? You haven't called me that since we broke up._

As much as I wanted him to fall to his knees and beg me to take him back, I knew it was only since we'd broken up that I felt I could breathe again.

_How can one situation cause an immense sense of relief and at the same time corrode your emotions to the point of feeling like your nerve endings had been exposed to the open air?_

His reaction to my appearance was the first sign that maybe he still did care for me and I wanted to prolong the moment. I delayed giving him my answer.

It's been three weeks since our relationship ended, and the Jasper I thought I knew wasn't the one who showed up for work these past few weeks. It was like he'd disappeared and a generic version of himself turned up the next morning for work. He was friendly but not flirty, chatty but only on light, meaningless topics, and when he looked me in the eye it was as if I could have been anyone.

_Anyone._

This new Jasper blindsided me.

I'd thought being friends would be difficult. I was wrong. We weren't friends. And it was hell.

On the first morning I'd purposely showed up for work at about the same time as Carlisle to avoid being alone with Jay. After the way we left things the night before I was a little nervous as to how we'd manage the whole platonic route.

I had no idea Jasper would be so good at it. He treats me the same as Fred. _Fucking Fred!_

_It hurt. _

It was as if I'd imagined the whole relationship.

The worst part was that I had no one to blame but myself. I was the one who insisted we end it. This whole situation was my idea and now that it was working I had to sit back and accept it. Seeing Jasper each day and realizing that he'd moved on so easily, well it was an eye-opener. I had known I held the stronger feelings, but I kind thought he had _some_.

Understanding now that there's a side to him I never knew, I'd come to the realization that I was merely a game to him.

He must think I'm stupid.

And yet, I still want him. I still want to believe that in a few years we could be good together.

I _am_ stupid.

"E please!"

His hands were still gripping my biceps, burning my skin. I pulled away from him. Fighting last night had done nothing to alleviate my anger and frustration.

"This doesn't concern you," I hissed. I wished I could make him feel my pain. "_**I**_ don't concern you. You've made that abundantly clear."

I must have imagined the wince that flickered across his features.

I wondered if he'd discovered the same club as Garrett liked to frequent. There wasn't a huge amount of options on the Canadian side. I still hadn't spoken with Garrett since that awkward argument at B2W. I'd avoided him so I wouldn't have to hear how right he'd been about Jasper. Okay, well really I think I was more concerned with the possibility of learning that he'd seen Jay at the club. With other men. If we didn't talk I didn't run the risk of hearing something painful.

"Edward…"

"We need to get back to work," I interrupted him. The thought of Jay with other men was enough to help me recover my composure and send any warm feelings that were popping up in response to his sudden attentiveness to the far reaches of my heart.

In a last minute effort to get away from Jasper I moved quickly to open Caius's stall and ducked under the screen. His stall it felt like the only place I could escape. Even though Caius would be going out to the track to be galloped this morning, I wanted to use him for the moment by taking him for a quick spin around the barn. With the stallion being so temperamental and dangerous I knew Jasper couldn't follow me into the stall or even around the shed row.

As I stopped and leaned against the wall by Caius's water bucket I thought about how little Jasper and I had interacted in the weeks that had followed our breakup. We'd never spoken about anything beyond what was needed to complete our work. I'd thought we were friends, but all conversation was gone, all interactions were limited to work only, and we never did anything together.

And then this morning. This morning he takes one look at me and suddenly he's all in my face and acting as if he_ cares_. But it's only about the face. It's only about what has happened to me. It's not because he wants me. And all of it has become too much to handle.

In the days that followed our breakup my heart had raced anytime I received a text, hoping it was from him. Stupid I know. I broke up with him; my heart shouldn't be jumping in anticipation for a chance to interact with him. As time had gone by I'd lost any hope he ever even thought about me. I never received one text or phone call. I guess it could be challenged that I hadn't tried to text him either, but then I _couldn't_. I had expected us to continue being friends, and_ he_ was the one acting as if we'd never been anything more than workmates. I couldn't bear to have him ignore me or even worse respond with the same coldness he did in person.

This _concern _he was showing now was probably only a result of his indignation over a possible gay bashing. It was most likely his reaction to hearing about any hate crime against a gay man.

I'm ashamed to admit that as much as I hated the reason for interest at this moment, I was still considering how I could to soak up more attention from him.

_Damn Edward. You need to find some self-respect._

In an attempt to show him I was fine I pulled myself up to my full height. My face may have looked bad, but I wasn't injured in any other way.

_No need to make a big deal about this._

I smiled to myself as I thought about how it had actually happened. Jasper would shake his head in disgust if he knew the truth. It was nothing to do with being gay and all to do with being a brainless idiot. _Okay, now I'm being redundant._

As I had most nights, last night I went home to hide myself away. If I didn't think it would make me sound like such a girl I'd probably admit to shedding a few tears from time to time.

My dad was home and predictably he was on my case again. This time it was about how much time I seemed to spend alone. I'll admit I have been a bit mopey lately. I hadn't been in the mood to spend any time with friends, hadn't been going to the gym, and I'd taken a break from freelancing. My biggest shock was that my dad had even noticed. But it was when he decided to compare my behavior to Mom's by asking me if I too was going to sleep my life away, that I had to hold myself back from hitting him. I stormed out of the house instead.

So I went to Tony's to work out.

After a couple of unrewarding sets with the speed bag I had accepted Carmine's offer to try sparring. Something I shouldn't have done when I was spoiling for a battle. You aren't supposed to try and hurt your sparring partner, you save that for a real fight. The boxer I was set up with was the only one available who fell into my weight class and was a lot more experienced than me. Once the guy realized I wasn't holding back he let me have it; a lesson for breaking the rules. Carmine who'd been supervising the spar quickly broke us up and I pleaded ignorance. I think the whole experience shook up poor Carmine and I don't imagine he'll be pushing me to spar again anytime soon.

But, as the guy had hit me, I finally felt something again; something other than the pain and disappointment of losing Jasper. The physical pain had grounded me.

Without an ounce of regret I went home with a matching set of black eyes, a lump on my cheek, and a fat lip. One eye was so bad it was almost swollen shut and it had a cut around the eyebrow that had bled profusely. Someone at the gym had applied a butterfly bandage to keep it from splitting too wide.

Of course I was pulled over at the border. I guess they didn't trust my new face. A face that finally matched the way I'd been feeling on the inside.

When I finally got home I'd told my dad I got hurt trying to break up a fight at the beach. After reassuring him that I'd given as good as I got, I think my old man might have actually been proud of me for once. I wasn't holding my breath that it would last.

As if Caius had understood that today I shouldn't be messed with, he acted like a total gentleman as I fixed the shank to his halter and ran it under his lip. I walked out of him out of the stall to find that Jasper had disappeared from the shed row. _Figures. _And even though I'd driven him away and refused to answer his questions, I felt a certain loss that he'd given up so easily. Again.

_*****iwtfy*****_

"Hi Em," I answered my phone somewhat reluctantly. I hadn't come out of the closet with my brother yet. I still planned to, but the urgency had lessoned since I no longer had a boyfriend.

I was about to head home for lunch. The shed row was tidy and everyone else had left to go to the cafeteria. A place I was no longer frequenting.

"Hey bro, where you gonna be this afternoon?"

"Uh around? Why?"

"I had the day off and I decided since we haven't had much time together lately that I'd head down to that sleepy town and spice it up a little."

_Dad must have talked to him._

"You? Take a day off? Unheard of!"

I was suspicious. The last time Emmett had taken any time off was over a year ago when his appendix burst.

"Yeah, well I'm almost through Hamilton now, so expect me there in about an hour. We'll go out for lunch. My treat." Emmett hung up without waiting for my agreement.

_Fuck. _Emmett was going to overreact to the condition of my face. There is no way he'll believe the beach fight scenario. Hopefully I'll be able to keep him from rushing over to Tony's and making a scene; this really was my fucking fault.

And now I've run out of time. I'd promised myself I'd tell him the truth the next time I saw him in person. This was going to be an interesting lunch.

I ran my hands through my hair and tugged.

_Fucking hell._

*****_iwtfy_*****

Still think they belong together?

Thanks for reading!


	25. Chapter 25

Thanks to all those giving this story a chance!

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_And now I've run out of time. I'd promised myself I'd tell him the truth the next time I saw him in person. This was going to be an interesting lunch. _

_I ran my hands through my hair and tugged._

_Fucking hell._

"Mom," I whispered into to the dark room.

When I didn't get an answer I tried again a little louder.

"Mom."

"Ed? What is it?"

The room darkening blinds my dad had installed worked like magic to keep out any sunlight and I still couldn't see into the room. Light was flooding in from the door behind me but it didn't reach as far as Mom's bed.

"It's Edward, Dad's not here. I thought I'd wake you because Emmett will be here soon."

"Em? Here? What's going on?"

_Nothing is 'going on' except for the fact that I look like I've run into a wall and your favorite son is overly concerned because he knows you probably don't give a fuck._

"He had a day off and he's coming to visit. Get up; he's taking us to lunch in half an hour."

"Oh I can't." Her voice sounded raspy with sleep. "I can't go out today, I've got a migraine. Emmett will understand. Tell him I'll make a trip to see him next week."

I snorted. My mom still had her license and drove occasionally, but I'd never seen her drive further than the grocery store.

She hadn't always been this way. She used to visit Aunt Maggie in B.C. every summer, driving for six days by herself. She continued the tradition with Emmett after he was born. Our photo albums were full of pictures of Emmett in his car seat with different landscapes showing through the window beside him, recording their trip as they crossed the country. She stopped making the annual journey eighteen years ago, right about the same time our photo albums stopped being updated.

As I stepped further into the room the anger in my belly should have been a signal that I was headed in the wrong direction. _Why couldn't she at least try for once?_

"Mom! Emmett never comes to visit. You haven't seen him for over six months. Take some medicine and get dressed," I demanded with exasperation.

"Honey, I can't," she moaned, her voice filled with self-pity and a plea for understanding. It didn't work on me anymore, I only felt disgust. "Your brother wouldn't want to see me like this anyway. I promise! I'll drive up to see him soon."

My eyes had adjusted enough in the low light that I could make out her head sticking out from under the blanket. Her hair was limp and lifeless, much like her whole personality. When she pulled the blanket up higher to hide her face I felt like ripping it off her.

Sadistically, I moved toward her windows and pulled the blinds open to let in the sun. When she didn't complain and only further buried herself deeper in her blankets I realized it was futile. With the air conditioning cranked the way Dad liked it Mom was perfectly comfortable sleeping under multiple layers.

I took a deep breath and any further thoughts of torture slowly passed. Taking a step back I buried my anger and paused as I reached the door. I couldn't help but make one final jab.

"You aren't fooling anyone. You need help and it's not fair that you don't try."

I shut the door before she could respond.

Not that she would have anyway.

I'd known it wasn't likely that she'd pull herself out of bed and join us for lunch, but I'd had to try. I hated how negative Emmett got when it came to Mom and I'd hoped to maybe to prove him wrong. Defending her always left a bitter taste in my mouth, yet when I didn't I felt guilty afterward. My brother never understood how it made me feel because his conscience was clear. It was my fault after all, that she was depressed in the first place.

_*****iwtfy*****_

When the front door crashed open announcing my brother's arrival, I was lying in my bed fighting my rising apprehension over what this afternoon could bring.

"Hey bro, where ya at?" Emmett's voice bellowed through our small house and I cringed.

It wasn't often I didn't look forward to seeing my brother. In fact, this might have been a first.

"Coming," I yelled out weakly as pulled myself out of bed to take one last look in the mirror.

_Yup, it looks worse today than it did last night._

I grabbed my wallet and keys and left my room; prepared to expect an outburst as soon as he saw me. I stepped into view with a slow step forward.

"'Bout time Edward. I want to stop by the track cafeteria before we go out to eat and I'm starving" Emmett complained.

Emmett was always starving. My eating habits were unusual, but Emmett's were legendary.

When I'd entered the kitchen I'd noticed without surprise that he was hunched over and perusing our fridge. The short reprieve that was offered with this distraction gave me the opportunity to inhale a last deep calming breath as I prepared my shaky nerves for his reaction.

"Why do we have to go to the track?" I asked.

There was no way I was going to walk into the cafeteria where Jasper and Rosalie were likely eating. If I had to, I'd stay in Emmett's truck and wait.

Emmett turned, stood up to his full height of six-four, and studied my face. I waited, holding my breath for the explosion I fully expected to hear.

"So… finally I can be called the 'pretty one'," he smirked.

_Huh? If he can make a joke that's good, right?_

Emmett's grin disappeared.

_Uh-oh._

"Who did this to you kid?"

"It's not as bad as it looks and it was really my fault." I needed to get in my story before he took off to hurt someone. "I knew what I was doing. I deserved what I got."

With narrowed eyes and a bunching of his shoulders Emmett stepped toward me. Knowing his anger wasn't directed to me, I resisted moving backwards. His eyes bore holes into mine and his words came out slow as if he was having trouble vocalizing them.

"Did _he_ do this to you?"

_Who? Did he think Jasper did this to me? Wait, he doesn't even know about Jasper…_

"Who?" I asked, curious as to who Emmett was referring to.

Emmett closed his eyes as if to gather strength before he responded to my question.

"Dad," Emmett answered.

_Oh. Fuck._

My father and I have always had a contentious relationship. As we grew up Emmett was clearly his preferred son and I could do nothing right in his eyes. But, while Dad would often verbally berate me; he'd never lifted a hand to me.

"No!" I declared forcefully.

I heaved a sigh as I realized I was going to have to get into details I hadn't shared with anyone. It was embarrassing to admit that I'd acted so immaturely, especially when I often felt smug about how much more mature I thought I was as compared to my high school buddies. Clearly I wasn't as grown-up as I'd previously thought and it was going to be painful to own up to it.

"I was having a bad day and I went to Tony's and ended up sparring. I was stupid. I treated it like a real fight and the guy sparring with me let me have it. Carmine stopped it immediately, but the damage was already done. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal."

Emmett relaxed his grip and I could read relief in his expression. The anger though, hadn't completely subsided.

"_Carmine_ should have known better. If we have enough time I think I should stop over and have a little chat with him. He should be taking better care of my baby brother."

I grimaced at the 'baby brother' reference. _Is that all anyone ever saw? _Still, I owed it to Carmine to keep him out of trouble. He should have banned me from the club for my behavior and I was grateful that all I'd gotten was a warning.

"He stepped in as soon as he realized what was happening. I was upset about something and I took it in the ring. I shouldn't have. I was being a moron. Like I said, I knew what I was doing and I deserved it."

With relief I could feel his anger start to dissipate and he reached into the bowl on the counter and grabbed up an apple. Watching him toss it from one hand to the other, I noticed his shoulders relax and some of his natural humor return to his eyes.

"Tony's eh? I didn't know you started going there."

"Yeah. I guess the place kind of grew on me."

"Huh. Well you'll have to tell me what else is new over lunch. I've missed my little brother; he doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore. You ready to go?" Without waiting for an answer he took a huge bite of the apple and headed out the front door.

Driving to the track I mulled over our interaction in the kitchen.

"Em?"

"Yeah?" Emmett responded between bites.

"Who told you about my face?"

His anger aside, I could tell he'd known about the damage by the way he'd examined my face the first time he looked at it. The surprise just wasn't there. I'd originally thought it was Dad, but I realized now that couldn't have been the case; unless he hadn't believed Dad's explanation of my fight at the beach.

"Heidi text me this morning."

"Heidi?"

"Yeah Heidi. You know, the assistant trainer for Eclipse. She and I have always been friends and she keeps me apprised of how you're doing. You haven't been calling me on the phone lately and when I ran into her a few weeks ago I asked her to keep a closer eye on you."

_Friends_. Emmett wasn't one to ignore the attention of a good-looking woman, so I was pretty sure I could assume they've been closer than _friends_ on several occasions. Not wanting to delve any deeper into his relationship with Heidi or get into the reason why I haven't been calling, I resolved to change the direction of our conversation.

"Why do you need to stop at the track cafeteria?"

When Emmett didn't answer my question my curiosity was awakened. I turned to look at him and if I wasn't mistaken he actually looked like he was a bit embarrassed. Emmett's complexion was darker than mine so he didn't have an embarrassing flush like I did when he felt self-conscious; instead I had to look for other signs. For instance, the way his fingers were tapping on the steering wheel while no music was playing was one clue to his current discomfort.

"I met someone. I'm hoping to surprise her," he finally admitted.

"You _met_ someone?" _Someone from Forks?_

I have to admit I don't know what I'd been expecting, but _that_ wasn't it.

To say I was surprised would be downplaying my current emotion. Emmett had always played the field and never seemed interested in a relationship. He was married to his career. _And_, with the enormous city of Toronto to scour for single women, it was intriguing to hear he met someone from our small town that had piqued his interest.

"You have a girlfriend? From Forks?" I questioned. Possible love interests started flitting through my brain and I was curious if I would know her.

"No. Not exactly," he sighed. "I met a woman a few weeks ago at Woodbine. She was only visiting and she works at Forks. Since the cafeteria is usually busy this time a day I was thinking there might be a possibility of running into her."

This situation was certainly unexpected. Emmett had never had to chase after women and he certainly never showed this much interest in anyone before. Not only that, but he knew everyone at Forks. _Why the sudden interest now?_

"What's her name?" _I must know her._

"I don't know," he admitted. "She wouldn't tell me."

It couldn't be someone who'd worked here last year because Emmett knew _everyone._ This girl must have really made an impression...

"What does she look like?" I was hopeful I would recognize her from a description.

We pulled into the track parking lot and parked not far from the spot where I'd parked with Jasper. My face flushed with the memory. _Don't go there Edward._

Emmett turned off the truck and closed his eyes as if trying to picture her in his mind.

"She's the hottest woman I've ever met."

I choked back a laugh. _Okay? Seriously Em, I'm gonna need more than that._ _This discussion is being to feel like I've entered the twilight zone._

"Edward," he opened his eyes and looked over at me with a completely sincere look; "I want to marry this woman."

_Holy fuck!_

"And you don't even know her name?" It was crazy, but I could kind of identify with him. I hadn't known Jasper's name while I'd obsessed about him for weeks.

"Nope. Don't need to. The minute I laid eyes on her I knew."

"Why didn't you ask her name or ask her out?" I was confused. Did Emmett see this girl from afar and lose the nerve to approach her?

"She uh," he stumbled through his words, "she wouldn't tell me. I don't think she liked me," he admitted with a slump of his shoulders.

I hated seeing this side of him. Emmett hadn't looked this defeated since he'd quit school.

"Maybe you came on a little strong. I mean, you did decide within seconds that she was your future wife. Maybe you scared her off." It seemed like a reasonable explanation.

"You think so?" Emmett asked pulling himself up again. "If I see her again I should play it cool?"

I was shocked and delighted that Emmett was asking _me_ for relationship advice. I should mark the date on the calendar; I don't think it had ever happened before.

"Sure. How could any girl not like you? She didn't give you a chance."

Emmett's confidence bounced back and he hopped out of the truck with enthusiasm. I followed behind him trying to keep up. I hadn't planned to go to the cafeteria with him, but it was impossible to resist seeing how this turned out. Besides, according to Emmett, this might be my future sister-in-law. The idea, as improbable as it sounded, almost put a smile on my face. It was nice to focus on someone else's situation for once. It almost made me forget about Jasper.

We entered the cafeteria, me trailing a good five feet behind Emmett. I found his eagerness to find this girl endearing. Emmett had been a popular guy when he worked here and he so rarely had the time to visit that he was stopped and greeted by almost everyone he passed. Not wanting to get pulled into a conversation I overtook him and moved ahead, scanning the room for my favorite head of blonde hair.

As if he could feel my gaze upon him, Jasper lifted his head up and without having to look around his eyes met mine. For the first time in weeks he didn't immediately look away and my heart rate picked up its pace. The noisy din around me faded and I felt like we were the only two people in the room.

That is, until I felt someone casually sling an arm over my shoulder.

Jasper's eyes shot away from mine and looked at my brother standing next to me. I noticed them narrow and even with the distance between us I could feel the cool change in his demeanor.

_Was he jealous?_

I couldn't conceal how happy that possibility made me, and for the first time in weeks I felt a smile blossom across my lips.

_Oh fuck – that hurts! _I brought my hand up to my mouth realizing I must have split my lip again.

"I don't see her. Maybe I'll… what the hell bro, you're bleeding."

Emmett dropped his arm from my shoulder and moved quickly to the condiment table to grab a napkin. He returned and pushed it non-too-gently against my chin and lip.

Taking over and holding the napkin to my mouth I looked to Jasper's table. He wasn't there. His coffee and plate of poutine remained there unattended. My head swiveled around searching the crowded room for him.

"We aren't going to eat here, but give me a second to see if I can find out where she works," Emmett said distractedly as he moved away from me.

Uncertain of what I wanted to do, look for Jasper or stick with my brother, I froze when I heard a familiar whisper in my ear.

"It looks like he's okay with your news."

I turned to see Jasper standing very close to me. His expression was open and friendly. It felt like he was looking at me again for the first time and hope filled my chest, that is until I realized what he'd said.

I was disappointed that I'd misread his reaction earlier. If he knew it was Emmett it must not have been jealousy he'd felt.

"I haven't had the chance to tell him. How did you know he's my brother?"

"I didn't at first. But as I started walking over here I heard Emmett's name uttered enough that I put it together. Come outside with me for a minute? I need to talk to you."

Jasper put his hand on my forearm and tugged me toward the door. My skin tingled under his touch and there was no way I had any choice but to follow.

"Okay," I breathed out so quietly I doubt even Jasper could hear me.

When his hand dropped from my arm as he pushed open the door I mourned its loss. _What excuse could I concoct to make him touch me again?_

Jasper led the way to the side of the building and the exact spot where we had first spoken and I had offered him a job. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up. The hope that had been building up sunk down a few more inches and I couldn't conceal my disappointment. He must have noticed the look.

"I'm gonna quit again, but life's been a little stressful lately," Jasper justified.

"You don't have to explain anything to me. It's none of _my_ business what you do," I responded bitterly.

He tapped some ashes away and then leaned against the tree behind him.

"E, I'm sorry if you don't like how I've been acting, but what did you imagine when we broke up? Did you expect us to suddenly be best buds and shoot baskets together or something?"

_Or something… Fuck! Why am I being such a prick? I'm the one who broke it off._

"I _thought_ we agreed to be friends."

Jasper looked thoughtfully at me. He let out a long puff of smoke that rose up in front of him.

"E, you're in high school. It would look a little strange if I started hanging around you and your buddies. I'm twenty-five; we have an eight-year gap between us. What kind of loser would I be if I hung out with a bunch of high schoolers? I'd be like Wooderson from _Dazed and Confused._"

I opened my mouth to protest but Jasper reached out and put a finger to my lips.

If my lips didn't feel so ripped apart I would have been tempted to stick out my tongue and lick it. His eyes darkened and he swiftly removed his finger.

_Did he know what I'd been thinking? _

My face reddened and the tips of my ears turned pink.

Jasper groaned, probably embarrassed he'd ever been involved with such a baby.

_Fuck. Sometimes I act like such a girl._

"And frankly," he continued, "if we hung out alone, I'm… well... it wouldn't have worked." He turned away from me slightly and took another drag from his cigarette. "Are we good? You understand why things have to be the way they are?"

"Kind of," I grudgingly offered.

Without considering the outcome I blurted out my plan.

"I'm going to wait. For us. I mean," I stumbled through my explanation, "for you. I'm not going to be with anyone else. I want us to try again when I'm older. Maybe next year when I'm in university? I'm not asking for you to wait, but if you're not in a relationship at the time…?"

Suddenly I couldn't look at him.

_Why did I fucking put myself out there? I must sound like a lovesick fool. _

I should go back into the ring and get hit a few more times. Anything was better than leaving myself open like I had.

"Edward," Jasper sighed.

_Oh fuck this is going to hurt. _

"Sugar," he started over, "you can't put your life on hold. You're only _seventeen_. You have so much growing still to do. You have no idea what kind of man you'll be next year or even next month. I remember being your age and I'm so different now than I was then. There is no way someone I met at that age would still be the right person for me."

_He can't know how __**I'm**__ going to feel._

I rushed to make it clear even if it only made me more vulnerable.

"I'm sure of what I want. I won't change that much. I can't imagine any point of my life when I won't want you," I argued.

"_Fuck!_" Jasper exclaimed and rubbed his forehead as if I were giving him a headache.

I started to feel like maybe I'd made a mistake; this conversation was definitely not going the way I'd hoped.

"It might seem like that now, but I can't hold you to that. I'm flattered you want to pledge to wait, but I'm not accepting that promise. You're too young to close off all your opportunities. You need to get out there and experience what it's like to date. Find someone your own age, someone you can explore your sexuality with, someone that you can be open and free with."

"Not going to happen," I shook my head in protest.

_He doesn't understand. I can't be with anyone but him. _

He butted out his cigarette and as he's about to toss it into the grass he paused, I recognized the moment he remembered our first interaction in this very same spot. Changing his mind he palmed the butt instead.

Regardless of the audience we might have I wanted to wrap my arms around him.

I took a step closer.

_I don't fucking care about hiding anymore._

With the tree behind him he couldn't move backward, but in a very obvious move to deter me he pulled out his lighter and pack of cigarettes again. He shook out another cigarette and quickly lit it. My heart stuttered as I realized he'd never said that _he_ would want me in a year or two. Maybe he'd been trying to let me down easy.

_Stupid idiot Edward._

Still, I couldn't resist reaching out to touch him.

"Hey Edward? You ready to go?" Emmett's voice called out from behind me causing me to drop my hand before it could reach Jasper.

I sighed in defeat and I could swear I heard Jasper mutter what sounded like 'thank the Lord'. Knowing my brother was getting close, I took one last look at Jasper's expression before I turned. He didn't meet my eyes, but his posture had relaxed and he looked bored.

I swallowed back bile as I fought to keep my expression neutral.

"Hey I'm Emmett Cullen," my brother greeted Jasper in a friendly tone and offered his hand to shake.

"Jasper Whitlock," Jasper responded as their hands met. I was instantly jealous of their contact. "I work with Edward."

"You work for Carlisle?" Emmett inquired with a raised eyebrow as they dropped their hands apart. He always wanted to know everyone's business around the track. "For how long?"

"Only for about a month. I'm only there part-time. My s…boss, my _other _boss has only a couple of horses so I split my time between the two stables."

"Well, nice to meet you Jasper. We have to head out. Not too often I get to town and I need some time with my favorite brother." He slung his arm over my shoulder and pulled me away from Jasper's presence. Emmett is never self-conscious about how he acts and never hesitates to hug me. It's almost like he wants to make up for the fact that our parents never do.

"See you in the morning Jay," I called out woodenly, trying to keep any emotion from seeping into my voice.

"Yup," Jasper replied.

I was quiet as we walked away. In a short span of a few minutes I'd managed to alienate Jasper even more and dash any hope I'd been holding onto of regaining our friendship.

After we'd walked several yards away and my brother's arm was starting to feel heavy on my shoulder Emmett finally broke the silence.

"I found her," Emmett gusted out with glee and squeezed my shoulder a little too hard before he let go.

I rubbed my shoulder and turned to look at him. His grin was so happy and excited that it hurt. It hadn't been that long ago that I'd felt that way. I wanted so fucking badly to feel that way again. Yet, even with an air of despair hanging over my future the suspense was killing me.

"Did you find out her name?"

"Naw, she still wouldn't tell me. But it was just my luck that she was sitting with Heidi and Heidi happened to mention that…hmm, I don't know what to call her? For now I'll call her Blondie. Heidi mentioned that Blondie is moving to Woodbine in a couple weeks! Apparently Blondie owns horses and trains them herself! Fuck that's hot! Anyway, while I was standing right there with them Heidi told Blondie that I was a stand-up-guy. Then she suggested to Blondie that she should go to me for any help once she's moved!" He rubbed his hands together in excitement. "This is turning out perfect!"

"Except she still won't tell you her name," I pointed out what I thought was an obvious flaw in his optimism.

"Sure," admitted Emmett. He either didn't notice or refused to acknowledge my unusual pessimism. "But she'll come around," he grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "I'm irresistible, right?

*****_iwtfy_*****

Would you believe I had this chapter written a week ago but something just didn't feel right? Anyway, after a few days without reading it I tackled it as if I were beta'ing it for a friend and lo and behold I changed a lot and added more. It went from 1,500 words to over 4,000. Better I waited, right?

Let me know what you think – I love hearing from you!

Next chapter will be more Emmett and Edward. I think Edward _might_ have something he wants to tell his brother.

Thanks for reading!


	26. Chapter 26

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

*****_iwtfy*****_

"_Except she still won't tell you her name," I pointed out what I thought was an obvious flaw in his optimism._

"_Sure," admitted Emmett. He either didn't notice or refused to acknowledge my unusual pessimism. "But she'll come around," he grinned and waggled his eyebrows. "I'm irresistible, right?_

*****_iwtfy_*****

We ended up at the New Moon Café with no privacy for the kind of conversation I'd wanted to have. Emmett flirted with Sue as he ordered and then proceeded to eat an enormous amount of food. I picked at my food, my stomach churning whenever I considered what I needed to say.

"What's been happening? What's with the emo act?" Emmett asked as soon as Sue was out of earshot. Not having bothered to swallow the bite he'd take of his sandwich before speaking, his words were nearly incoherent.

I couldn't say what I wanted to, not yet.

"I'm not looking forward to another year of high school. I wish I was going to University this fall instead."

While not the true reason for feeling so down, I really did wish I was finished high school. Of course, if I'd already graduated high school I might still be in a relationship with Jasper, so there was a definite link between the two. But I couldn't start this conversation centered on Jasper.

_Baby steps._ _I'm pretty sure Emmett will be okay with this, but I don't want to freak the guy out. And besides, it's not like meeting Jasper made me realize I'm gay._

I wanted so much to be able to say those words out loud.

_I'm gay. __**I'm **__gay. I'm__** gay**__. _

Emmett continued to chew his food as he stared at me thoughtfully.

"It's about school is it? It's funny really, I could have sworn you were heartbroken," he commented.

If I'd had food in my mouth I'd have choked.

_Was I that obvious? _

A loud guffaw from Emmett directed my attention back to him.

"Close your mouth bro. I _was_ joking, but now I'm starting to realize I might be on to something. Who is it?"

I needed more time to gather my courage. _This not how I wanted it to go._

"Who is what?"

"Dude," Emmett responded with disapproval. "Out with it. Now."

I looked down at my food and moved a fry through some ketchup. My mouth was dry but I couldn't handle reaching for a glass because my hand would probably start to shake.

"You've never met the person."

_Person. I'm sure you've noticed I'm quite adept at avoiding the difficult part._

"Shit. I was actually right. So where'd you meet this _person_?" Emmett smirked at me.

I couldn't figure out if he was making fun of me for using the word 'person' or if he knew why I'd said 'person' instead of _her_.

"At the track," I admitted.

_Maybe if I give a little away at a time eventually the truth will be the only thing left._

"Hmmm," grunted Emmett. "As long as it's not _my_ Blondie."

_Well he__** is**__ blonde. But no._

I opened my mouth to say _it_.

Nothing came out. _Just say it fuckhead. _I closed my mouth again in frustration.

Emmett leaned across the table at me. His expression had become so troubled and anxious that I immediately wanted to ease his mind.

"Shit, it's _not _her is it?"

I wanted to reassure him but then something else occurred to me. I could feel my jaw clench.

"What does Blondie look like? I mean obviously I know her hair colour and you've described her beauty, but what else?" My tone was sharp and my words came out more like a demand than a question.

Emmett paled and for the life of me I couldn't understand why he suddenly looked so anxious. I couldn't help him for the moment; it felt like my world was about to end.

He cleared his throat and his voice sounded uncertain. Very un-Emmett-like.

"She's uh, she has ice blue eyes, she's probably early to mid-twenties, and her hair falls down to below her shoulders." He coughed into his fist. When he looked back up at me with questioning eyes I wasn't aware of what he was trying to ask me. "There's no one else like her at the track."

"Fuck!" I pounded my fist onto the table.

I looked down at my plate. If my appetite had been gone before we'd even started this conversation, it had now actually receded even further away with the information I was digesting.

_They were moving. To Toronto. Not next summer or even this winter, but now. In a few __**weeks**__._

My eyes aimed toward my burger and the intensity of my gaze would have burned a hole through it if it were possible.

_Does it really make a difference? Jasper's told you we can't even be friends._

Everything hurt.

_Why hadn't he said anything?_

Emmett cleared his throat, probably to try and break the staring match I was having with the lunch I wasn't going to eat.

_Well, at least I can offer my brother some details._ As impenetrable as Jasper's sister came across, maybe with my help Emmett could at least have a shot at breaking through some of her defenses.

My voice was on autopilot and I avoided looking at him as I spoke. Rattling off whatever I knew about Rosalie was at least keeping me from breaking down completely.

"Her name is Rosalie Hale. Make sure you call her Rosalie, not Rose or Rosie, only her brother is allowed to shorten it. She's twenty-five, owns and trains four horses that shouldn't be racing at Forks. It makes sense she'd move them to Woodbine. She's from Jacksonville, I think. At least that's where she raced her horses for the last few years. Her horses are being housed in the Eclipse barn and that's how she knows Heidi. She's divorced. Her ex-husband became a problem after she left him and that's why she moved here. She's sensitive on the topic so I would let her bring it up first."

I couldn't even look at my brother. He was over the moon that she was moving to Toronto, but his happy was my pain. I got up from the table and without telling Emmett where I was going I made my way to the restrooms. I practically swayed as I walked.

_I won't even get to see him at work._

Knowing I could still see Jasper at work each day was allowing me to hold onto a small piece of him and that had helped keep me together. Seeing him at work may have been its own form of torture, but it in so many ways it was a good torture. We were still connected. I knew when I'd see him next. Even though we'd never discussed the details I'd always known his living in Forks would be temporary, but I hadn't imagined he would be leaving this quickly.

It felt like I was losing him all over again.

As soon as I'd entered the restroom I'd locked the door. Last time I'd been in this very same room I'd had a very different experience. I'd been worked up to a feverish pitch with the way his hand had touched my thigh from under the table. Yet, it was more than my physical response. Last time I'd been on the cusp of a new relationship, tingling with all kinds of new feelings I'd never experienced before. I had something to look forward to. Something to be excited about.

I washed my face with some cold water, hoping to jolt myself back into something that resembled a living person.

_Shit. How much was I going to tell Emmett? _

I knew my strange behavior was going to draw more questions from my brother, but I walked back out determined to not get sidetracked again.

This was about more than Jasper.

Emmett was sitting at the table, what was left of his meal pushed away from him, his head in his hands. I slowed down when I realized my brother was upset. I hadn't been fair to him, I was worrying him unnecessarily. Between my messed up face and acting all emo and shit, he was probably wondering why I hadn't been confiding in him. I needed to tell him because I blowing this way out of proportion. So what if my first relationship has ended, it happens to everyone at some point. I needed to fucking get over it.

When he saw me standing there he shook his head at me.

"I swear Ed, I had no idea. I'll back off. I know I was acting a little crazy, but I promise you, I can stay away from her. I would never have talked about her that way if I knew."

His expression was contrite with a layer of pain that looked familiar to me.

I'd been seeing it in my reflection the last few weeks.

_What exactly is he talking about? _None of what he said sounded remotely familiar. _Why would he think I want him to give her up? _I shook my head and straightened my shoulders. My hands gripped the back of the seat in front of me and the words felt stuck at the back of my throat.

I would say what I'd come out here to say.

"I'm gay," I declared in a voice quiet enough that only he would hear.

Without waiting for Emmett's response I sat down at the table and picked up my burger, taking a bite. I couldn't taste any flavor but I focused on the chewing sensation as a distraction.

Emmett didn't respond right away and I fought the urge to look over at him. I didn't want to see him fight through his first response. Even if it disgusted him, I would forgive him. What I'd laid on him was probably a great surprise and I understood how it could a difficult concept for straight guys to accept without initially recoiling. But I knew my brother and I _knew_ he wouldn't abandon me.

"Thank the fuck," Emmett chuffed from across the table.

_What?_

I looked up to see him smiling at me. _He's happy about this news? I mean that's great, but I'm a little surprised. _Relief flooded through me. My case of nerves had rapidly dissipated and I was finding myself full of questions.

"I thought I had it wrong," he admitted. His face looked suddenly younger, happier than I'd seen him in a long time.

"Wrong?" I questioned him.

"I've always suspected you were gay, but the way you talked about Blon… Rosalie I thought she was the one you had feelings for. I was fucking confused, okay well I'm still confused, but I'm right that you're not in love with Rosalie right?"

_He's always suspected? For how long? Why? Who else suspects?_

He thought I might be in love with… _Rosalie?_

"I thought telling you I was…" I raised my eyebrow.

Emmett waited expectantly. Evidently my confession wasn't enough to ease his mind.

"No, I'm not in love with Rosalie," I sighed.

Emmett's shoulders sagged in relief.

_Do I tell him everything? _

"I'm in love with her brother," I said in a rush.

_Okay, I guess I am._

"Her _brother_?" Emmett looked thrown. "_Her_ brother? Rosalie's?"

"Yeah. He's the guy I was talking to outside the cafeteria. Jasper - the one you shook hands with."

"_That guy? _Isn't he a little… old for you?"

I didn't respond to his question. Talking about the age difference wasn't a discussion I relished having. And this was Emmett. With his extreme need to protect me I'd need to tweak some of the details. _Probably best to leave out anything that happened in parked vehicles._

"How? When did you start suspecting I was… different?"

"Different? You mean gay? Come on – say the _word_, be proud," he chuckled at me.

My ears turned red with his comment.

_How was Emmett already so much more comfortable with this than I am?_

"I don't know. I guess I start questioning it around the time you started high school? You never talked about girls, never commented about their appearance. At first I chalked it up to how quiet and serious you always were, but then one day I witnessed you blushing and avoiding looking directly at Paul and it clicked. At least I thought it made sense." Emmett pulled his plate toward himself, evidently his appetite had returned. "Then there's Garrett. You have a best friend who's gay and obviously enamored with you and it doesn't make you in the least bit uncomfortable."

"Garrett?" I laughed. _Enamored?_ _Yeah right! _"If you knew I was gay why didn't you say anything?" I asked him.

"I didn't _know_. Not for sure. _Suspected_ – remember. I didn't want to get it wrong. If you were straight I thought your self esteem might take a hit if I were to suggest what I suspected. I know it probably sounds homophobic, but no straight guy wants hear that people to think they're gay."

"I'm not telling Dad." I had to make this point clear. "At least not until I'm out of the house."

Emmett shoved what was left of his sandwich into his mouth and nodded. We didn't speak for several minutes. When he'd finally swallowed his food and taken a gulp of water he gave a quick look around the dining room. After having given a wave to Sue, probably asking her to come over so he could order more food, he finally spoke again.

"I think that's a good idea. He's not going to be very understanding on that particular topic."

"No shit," I agreed. "And if I'm not telling Dad, I'm not telling Mom."

Emmett grunted in response but didn't offer an opinion.

"So who _does_ know?" he asked.

"Garrett, Bella, Jasper, and now you."

"Not Carlisle or Esme?"

It was a fair question. They were like second parents to me and I'm sure they'd be accepting of this information.

"Not yet. I'll probably tell them soon."

"Who's Bella?"

I'd forgotten Emmett had probably never met her.

"She's moved to Forks this year and she became friends with Garrett and I. She guessed it herself."

I wasn't going to tell Emmett about how she tricked me in the car that night. Emmett would never let me live that down. They'd probably get along famously.

"Is she hot?" Emmett inquired.

I snorted. "Maybe. But what do you care? What would your wife think?"

"I'm just curious. And she's not my wife yet. While we're on the topic tell me about Jasper."

"On the topic? How were we _on the topic_?"

"We'll I already know you think he's hot," he snickered.

"Who's hot?" A voice broke into our conversation.

_Fuck!_

My face flushed red as I looked up to see Sue smiling down at me.

"I uh… well…" I stuttered out.

Sue interrupted my lame attempt to recover. "Does this mean you're taken? Because I was thinking my son might want to meet you."

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide.

"Your _son_?" Emmett asked. "You can't have a son old enough to date Edward."

"Oh Emmett," Sue smirked, "always a flirt. Your visits are good for my ego. For your information I have a sixteen year old son _and_ a twenty year old daughter."

"Fuck seriously? I thought you were like thirty?" Emmett exclaimed. It was obvious he was serious. "And a daughter? I'm insulted! Why haven't you wanted to set me up? Why is my brother with his ugly, beat-up mug good enough for your kid, but not me?"

"Because Emmett you have a big mouth and my daughter is bad enough. I'm afraid putting the two of you together would make me want to cover my ears and scream," Sue admonished him.

"Are you sure you weren't trying to keep me for yourself?" Emmett winked at her.

Sue rolled her eyes and turned back to me.

"My son Seth is very sweet and quiet. He has a hard time meeting anyone. I always thought you were so cute and polite but I wasn't sure if you were 'out'."

"I'm not," I replied hastily. "Not…out… that is."

My face couldn't have turned redder if someone had coloured it with a crayon.

"Don't worry honey, I won't tell a soul," Sue replied soothingly as she patted my shoulder. "Now Emmett was there something you wanted besides a refill of your Coke?"

"You bet Sue, I need another order of onion rings and about ten wings, mild."

"You got it. Anything for you Edward?"

I shook my head. My brain was still too overloaded and I was afraid to try speaking again.

Sue walked away and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Ed, you don't have to look so shell-shocked. She's not going to tell anyone."

"I know," I replied. "It's all a little too surreal. I've been holding this in for so long and then you two act as if it's no big deal. I feel better to have told you, but at the same time I'm feeling a little nauseous since it's obvious I've made my whole situation a lot more stressful than it need be. I should have told you years ago."

"You told me when it felt right for you. Don't go second guessing yourself."

Emmett put down his sandwich and locked eyes with me.

"I'm proud of you bro. You haven't ever pretended to be what you weren't. I've never seen you use a girl in a way that would have implied you were straight. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You've been true to yourself. And so what if you aren't proclaiming it to everyone you meet, you aren't denying it either. It's none of anyone's fucking business unless you want to share it with them."

It was the same argument I'd used to try and convince myself that I was on the right track. It was nice to have it reaffirmed. I was starting to feel a little lighter. Oh, I was still hurting, but my brother was making me feel better about some of the choices I'd made.

"Now Ed, tell me about Jasper. And start at the fucking start. I need to know if I have an ass to kick tonight."

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	27. Chapter 27

_Hey there! Anybody still with me? **wave** _

_Sorry for the total fail on updating and responding to the wonderful reviews! I'll explain in the author's notes on why I haven't been posting and when you can expect me back on a writing schedule._

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

I don't own the Twilight characters they belong to S.M.

*****_iwtfy*****_

When the doorbell rang I hadn't had a thought as to who it could be. I figured it was the post office with a package, a child selling stuff to raise money for something or other, or maybe the Mormons hoping to convert me. Reluctantly I placed my Kindle on my nightstand and dragged myself to the front door. _It's not like Mom was going to get up and answer it. _

I was caught off-guard to see on my doorstep a dark haired teenager with his bangs hanging in his eyes in a heated debate with a pretty brunette girl.

"…better that his friends tell him li…"

Noticing that I'd opened the door and was therefore listening in on their discussion, the boy abruptly cut himself off.

_Tell me what?_

Garrett pushed past me with an easy familiarity that left me annoyed, while Bella stopped to give me a quick hug and a whispered hello as she rolled her eyes at Garrett's back. It was clear she was only a tag-along. That was fine; I didn't mind her being here.

After having made his way down to our rec. room in the basement without so much as a hello, he flopped down on our sectional and got around to opening his mouth.

"How've you been?" Garrett asked me in a tentative voice.

I couldn't understand why he approached the question so gingerly when he'd been so quick to make himself comfortable.

"Okay," I answered automatically, giving nothing away of the turmoil I'd been through over the last month… especially the last few days.

We hadn't spoken since our argument at B2W and it seemed his plan was to sweep his hurtful comments under the table. I shouldn't have expected anything else; Garrett never did like to admit when he was wrong.

Emmett's visit five days ago had ended as abruptly as it had started. Once I'd satisfied him with an explanation of what had happened to my face and then with the carefully edited description of my brief 'relationship' with Jasper, Emmett had returned to Toronto. I couldn't blame him, he had early mornings and his trip down had been about protecting his younger brother. Clearly there was nothing he could do here; this wasn't a matter of using his bulk to beat anyone into submission.

The Prince of Wales Stakes was to be run this Sunday and Emmett was hoping to make it back to Forks to attend the race. His stable didn't have an entry this year, but it _was_ the second race of the Canadian Triple Crown and he was first and foremost a racing fan. It was my favorite race day of the summer and it was a testament to how distracted I'd become that I'd forgotten it was coming up this weekend.

My brother left after strong-arming me into agreeing that I'd make an effort to visit him in Toronto soon and with my promise that I'd once again start making phone calls between us a regular occurrence. Neither one was a hard promise to commit to but I liked making him feel like he had to work for it. My parents never cared, so it was nice to play the part of the petulant teenager with someone.

It was only after he'd left that I'd broken down and cried. I spent the remainder of the night fluctuating between loneliness and relief. Emmett's ebullient personality was contagious but when he left it was as if a vacuum had sucked all the life out of our family and I was again stuck with only the shell of a couple of parents. Missing his presence the house closed in around me and felt dark and abandoned. My relief over Emmett's encouraging reaction to my sexual orientation was short-lived and I found myself once again wishing I had the courage to let everyone know who I really was.

I tried to avoid thinking about Jasper moving, but his impending departure from my everyday life was invoking a despondency I couldn't ignore and it was those thoughts that pulled me under more than anything.

The first few days immediately after Emmett had left I avoided any opportunity to speak alone with Jasper. It was an immature move, but for some reason if he didn't tell me he was moving, then I held on to that smallest of hopes that maybe he was staying. Maybe he wouldn't leave with his sister. Maybe Rosalie didn't need him to protect her anymore.

I was like the ostrich with my stupid fucking idiotic head buried in the ground. Like that would insulate me against the move from actually happening.

Apparently Jasper was only too happy to leave the delivery of his news to someone else. Three days after Emmett left Carlisle informed me that Jasper had given his notice. I know I'd been avoiding him, but the fact that he didn't tell me himself fucking hurt.

Still, I hadn't let the situation drag me under again. Without making a conscious decision I was again hitting the gym on a regular basis and I went back to freelancing and working the hay truck. With all the energy I was expending my appetite had returned and although I wasn't eating with the same gusto, I was eating three meals a day.

The only area I hadn't worked on was rebuilding my friendships. I had continued to avoid all of the guys from school and this was my first conversation with Garrett in over a month.

Maybe it was time to mend some fences; it wasn't like I had a lot of people who _knew_ me.

"I've been better," I answered in a pained tone. Then I grimaced when I realized that with someone like Garrett my response was an invitation to pry.

"I can imagine," Garrett replied with what sounded like sympathy.

I was surprised when he didn't press for details. His reaction meant he knew something. That maybe he already knew about Jasper and I. Looking into his eyes the truth was easy to see.

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop.

"How? How did you know Jasper and I had broken up?"

When I'd turned to include Bella in the question, I caught her gesturing at Garrett to stop. I realized an instant too late that this was something I wouldn't want to know.

My gut clenched painfully and I tasted bile in the back of my throat.

"So what have you been up to Edward? You look good. Like you've gotten a lot of sun and have you been pumping weights or something?" Bella awkwardly butted into the conversation, clearly trying to change the topic of discussion. She made a face like a grimace when we all heard the desperation in her voice.

"I've been going to the gym…" I trailed off, turning back to Garrett with a question in my eyes.

I didn't want to know.

It was impossible to ignore.

I **had** to know.

"We _saw_ him at the club last night," Garrett admitted, his voice trailed off so that by the time he said 'last night' he was whispering.

"Garrett!" Bella's voice was low but held a definite warning.

"What? He should hear this from us," Garrett defended himself, crossing his arms over his chest. He refused to look at Bella and instead chose to only look at me. His expression held a mix of defiance and self-righteousness.

He wanted me to hear this. This news or maybe his delivery of this news held some importance to him. Maybe he wanted to gloat.

My mind reeled through all the possibilities. _Would Garrett really want so badly to be right that he no longer cared if it hurt me?_

_Fuck. _It was a like a car accident and I was rubbernecking. Except this was my own fucking accident.

"You saw Jasper at the club last night and now you're here today trying to make nice." _Why couldn't you have fucking called before today? Admitted you were a little harsh in your criticism._ "And, he was doing something at the club that would give you the impression we were no longer together."

_Fuck. Change the subject Edward! Don't ask what he was doing._

_Or was doing __**someone**__ the more apt question? Did he leave with someone?_

The idea was creating a ripple of pain in my chest.

_Why was I doing this to myself? He's not mine._

Garrett opened his mouth but I held up my hand to stop him before he spoke.

"You know what, don't answer that. It's none of my business and I don't want to hear about it. Jasper and I broke up weeks ago. What or _who_ he is doing is none of my business and I really would rather not hear about it."

_This is where you can deny he was with anyone… please tell me I'm wrong._

"Weeks ago?" Bella again broke into the conversation. "You must not have been together more than a couple of days. What happened?"

I would have been more annoyed if I didn't think Bella was genuinely concerned and curious. She wasn't the type to say 'I told you so'.

"We decided the age gap was too much. It was a mutual decision." I wasn't about to tell them I broke up with Jasper as a pre-emptive strike. It wasn't an important detail.

Garrett snorted and I could feel myself stiffen in response.

"The guy we saw him with last night couldn't have been any older than you."

My stomach churned as acid rose up into my throat.

"Garrett!" Bella admonished.

"What? He _said_ the break up was mutual. It shouldn't bother him to hear the manwhore had predictably moved on."

I sat down on couch, my legs too weak to stand.

_He was with someone else… Someone my age? _

The knowledge that Jasper had moved on was painful enough, but I'd always thought the reasons for my decision to end it were sound. If Jasper didn't feel the same way then I may have jumped the gun and lost him. He was probably glad to have gotten rid of a baby like me. No wonder he didn't want me to wait.

_How much could you really have had him? It's obvious your feelings were light-years stronger than his._

"Edward," Bella pulled my attention to her. "He's exaggerating. The ma…guy he was with looked about twenty. A big difference from seventeen."

_Did that make me feel any better? No. Not really. _

_Last night someone else probably had their hand… their mouth on his cock. The idea made me sick. And the fact that he hadn't let __**me**__ touch him…_

_I'm a fucking idiot. A lovesick loser. _

_So much for waiting. _

The worst part was that he had come across as so considerate. So patient with my lack of experience._ Why did he act that way with me? What reason could he have? Why the fuck did he __**act**__ like he cared?_

The next few minutes were a blur as Bella and Garrett continued to talk. What was said was beyond my measure of consciousness. The vision of Jasper and a faceless, gorgeous male having a passionate, intense encounter kept running in a constant reel through my head.

I was going to be sick.

I wanted to curl up and hide.

I wanted to beat the crap out of someone.

"Edward?" Bella's hand crept over my shoulder and shook me a little.

My hands curled into fists but I resisted the urge to move them.

"Did you want us to go?"

The fact that Garrett was waiting and not interfering or making any snide comments was telling. He recognized I was about to snap.

My hands clenched into tighter fists on my thighs as I ground my teeth together.

_Do you want Garrett around? _

_Not really, but he might keep me from wallowing._

_I am not going to let this information get to me._

"No. Why don't you guys stay awhile?"

Garrett grinned and grabbed the remote off the coffee table. I refused to look at Bella, knowing she'd probably send some pitying look my way. I couldn't handle pity at this time. I wanted normal. I wanted a distraction.

I knew this might happen. I expected _this_. Fuck. I had worried about this exact scenario.

I slid back into the couch and forced my body to relax.

"So, you guys want to come to the races on Sunday and attend the Prince of Wales Stakes?"

Garrett looked unimpressed and Bella made a sound like she might be interested.

"There's sure to be an after party with plenty of free booze…"

"Shit. Of course we'll be there sweetie," Garrett purred.

I cringed at 'sweetie', but chose to ignore it. _Pick your battles Edward. Pick your battles._

I don't know what made me throw out the temptation of free alcohol to Garrett. The after party wasn't something I usually attended. I wasn't much of a drinker myself, only having had a few beers at a couple of high school parties, never letting myself get more than a light buzz. I had always feared the possibility of opening the closet door with a drunken confession or even worse… a drunken action.

Suddenly I was looking forward to the weekend. My brother would be here, my friends were going to hang with me, and it was a biggest race day of the year at Forks.

The idea that I might like to get drunk and forget about Jasper hadn't even crossed my mind.

_Nuh-uh, not at all._

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

Author's Note:

_For those of you that have faithfully followed my stories since last year you will remember I took an unplanned hiatus over the 2011 summer/fall when I moved across the country. I had been working full-time before the move, but we let our nanny go when we moved and I opted to stay home with my girls until they would both be in school. The move centered around the idea of less money but more family time, moving closer to extended family and slowing down our lives even with the risk of derailing our careers. Ironically the stress from the move with the intent to bring us closer together actually set off an unexpected reaction from my eldest (7 yr old) daughter. After months of upheaval we eventually learned coping mechanisms to deal with her rapidly emerging anxiety disorders and OCD that were triggered by the stress of our move. It took me awhile to find the time and proper mindset to start writing again. Four weeks ago I started a part-time job and it led once again to a massive elevation in my daughter's anxiety behaviors (even though I'm only working while she's in school!) We're adjusting, perhaps a little quicker this time because we can recognize the behaviors, but it's a daily struggle. _

_So, for the near future I'm back, but I can't promise for how long. I'll never quit before a story is finished, but with summer coming up and having my kids at home full-time again it may take me until September to get back into a regular schedule. I'll write when I can – that's the best I can do. _

_Thanks for sticking with me!_


	28. Chapter 28

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Thanks to all those who reviewed and sent their kind words – I appreciated each and every one of them. In some ways RL has gotten even harder since I last posted, but I'm always hopeful that life will take an upward swing soon.

*****_iwtfy*****_

I got drunk for the first time the night of the Prince of Wales Stakes.

My memories of everything I said or did that evening are a little fuzzy. Okay, well after a certain hour they are basically non-existent.

How it ended I do remember. Waking up at 4 a.m. on Jasper's couch to the voice of my _dad_ at the front door is not something I'll soon forget.

A lot of memories from that night appear to me as flashbacks and I'm still not sure what actually happened or what might have instead been alcohol-induced dreams. Someone knows, but really, I'm kind of afraid to ask.

*****_iwtfy*****_

My brother was in town today and while we'd spent some time together during the early part of the race card, now he was busy with his boss.

It was strange how _little_ things had changed between us. I'm not sure what I'd expected, but I never imagined our relationship would stay so… normal. I had to remind myself that even though opening up to Emmett had turned out to be relatively painless and uncomplicated, I couldn't let my brother's easy acceptance warp any expectation of my parent's reactions. Emmett was a lot like our dad in many ways, but lucky for me my dad's intolerant and narrow-minded attitude was one trait he hadn't passed on.

Emmett promised to stop by the Eclipse barn before he left to drive back to Toronto and I had a hunch it was more about the possibility of running into a certain blonde than saying goodbye to me. I didn't voice my suspicions because it wasn't like I couldn't empathize. After everything that had happened, and as wounded as I felt, I still lived for the moment I would see Jasper again.

In a moment of weakness I'd asked Garrett and Bella if they wanted to come for the pomp of the big race and the after party. I'm not sure if I actually wanted them to join me _here_, at my place of work, but I think I was fighting with my natural impulse for self-preservation. My need to detach and withdraw hadn't helped me get over Jasper, so I think this was my way of forcing myself into a new approach. As soon as I'd opened my mouth and offered the unexpected invitation that had even blindsided me, I knew it was inevitable that my two worlds were going to come crashing together. It wasn't like my friends hadn't been to the Track before, but neither of them had been introduced to the world behind the scenes. And, as dirty and polluted an atmosphere as the backstretch was, it had always been mine.

A place where no one from school ever appeared.

_And never the two shall meet. Well it's going to happen today asshole. _

Bella had initially been excited, but then she'd backed out when Jacob Black asked her out. Despite the fact that she claimed she wasn't interested in starting a relationship, we could tell she was pumped about the date. After a bit of teasing she admitted that his sunny smile was irresistible. He was a genuinely nice guy and I hoped they had a good time together.

So it was Garrett alone who'd joined me. I had hopes that the dissolution of my relationship with Jasper, and Garrett's excitement over getting to drink champagne for the first time, would keep our disagreements at bay. At least for one evening.

Our day together had worked out better than I'd anticipated. Garrett loves fanfare and on this particular race day they have a lot. It doesn't compare to the Kentucky Derby or Queen's Plate, but Garrett hadn't known the difference. I smirked as I pictured how excited he'd be if he saw the lobster spread they had at the Plate or the way people dressed to go to the Derby, he'd probably faint from over stimulation.

For a large portion of the day Garrett was distracted from displaying his usual germophobia or from sulking over the boredom he usually felt after an hour of being at the races.

Today a jockey had caught his eye.

_When the fuck doesn't he find someone to lust over?_

This particular jockey, Santiago Gomez, was a top jockey from the Woodbine circuit and he'd made the trek to Forks, along with a slew of other Toronto riders, to ride for one of the big Woodbine stables. While the Toronto jocks were only here at Forks because of the Stake race, they had all accepted other mounts for earlier races. It was humorous to witness Forks trainers clambering for the opportunity to have world class talent on their high-end claimers.

_Like a high-end jockey was suddenly going to make their fleabag gelding race like a winner. _

Track officials, wanting to impress those gamblers lured to the track for the big day, filled the race card with higher end purses, by Forks' standards, which still fell below the average quality of racing at Woodbine.

Alice had been unbelievably excited this morning in anticipation of her opportunity to race alongside some of whom she considered her role models. Watching her bounce up and down I wondered if she'd have enough professionalism to tone down her enthusiasm in the jockey room.

After watching the horses in the parade ring for the third race in a row, Garrett swore his gaydar was never wrong and that Santiago had even winked at him last time he'd ridden by in the post parade. I thought he was full of shit, but it was nice not having to listen to his whining about wanting to go somewhere else. As we joked and chatted throughout the day, I realized how much I'd been missing by isolating myself. It was nice to spend some time with my best friend. While he sometimes irritated me, I didn't doubt that he genuinely cared about our friendship, and while sometimes overzealous, his intentions were always with my best interest at heart.

After the big race we made our way to the barn area. Normally I'd be able to bring a visitor back with a quick, informal check-in with security, but today security was more stringent and I had to sign him in and get him a visitor's badge. By the time we'd walked three feet he had that badge pulled off his shirt and in his pocket. It was amusing to see him trying to fit in here, but it's not like anyone would mistake him as a track worker with the meticulous and fashionable way he dressed and hands that look like they'd recently been pedicured. _Maybe_ he might be mistaken as an owner's son. Not having to work this afternoon I'd put on a fresh pair of jeans and a polo shirt, but when I looked down at my rough and calloused hands with dirt caked under my fingernails, that couldn't be removed with any amount of scrubbing, there was no hiding what group I belonged to.

The evening started out uneventfully and in fact quite sedate. There would be no Triple Crown winner this year – no surprise there. There have only been seven official Canadian Triple Crown winners and the last one was Wando in 2003. This year's Prince of Wales winner was a colt from a Woodbine stable and the owner was a well-known furniture store operator that ran cheesy commercials late at night on the local networks.

The Eclipse stable had shipped two entries down for the race and, even though the best they placed was third, they held a party in their stable. The champagne that was flowing wasn't from a winning group so the mood was 'drink-up because we don't want to ship it back to Toronto.'

If they'd won I probably would have left early. However, the big wigs having nothing to celebrate, left the party to the working stiffs and the atmosphere was low key, disappointed, and one of commiseration.

Finally a party that suited my mood.

I was a little uneasy about introducing Garrett, his lack of filter and refusal to hide his sexual orientation was a little disconcerting when faced with a group of track workers, but I ignored the nerves bunching in my stomach and kept him by my side as I made introductions. I may work with these people, but at the end of the day, I needed to remember who was really important. He garnered a few strange looks, but with the large influx of Toronto workers in the group today nobody said or even muttered anything derogatory.

The idea that people might mistake my friendship with Garrett as meaning something different, something_ more_ than as a best friend had never bothered me at school, and I was finding I was less concerned at work than I had ever expected. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't about to come out of the closet, but if anyone asked or made remarks about my relationship with Garrett I wouldn't overreact. It was at that moment that I realized I'd reached a confidence level I hadn't expected. If it _had_ happened, someone remarking about us I mean, I would have stated the truth - that we were _just_ friends, and… that would have been enough for me.

I no longer cared if they didn't believe me.

Maybe having confessed to Emmett and knowing he was okay with it had been the turning point. If he still hadn't known about it I probably would have felt the need to vehemently deny any relationship with Garrett and maybe even get in a fight if it appeared I was being disbelieved. _Anything _to keep the rumor from reaching my brother. In hindsight, seeing how everyone appeared to accept my friendship with Garrett as just that, overreacting probably would have had the opposite effect than what I would have been going for.

A bunch of us grooms turned over buckets in the Eclipse shed row, sat down on the down-turned buckets and leaned back against the stall doors. While Garrett made his usual face displaying his distaste over the seating arrangements, I distracted the other guys by pointing out one of the more famous jockeys who'd walked into the shed row across the way. Thankfully Garrett took my jacket when I offered it and draped it over the overturned bucket while the others were looking away. I could tell he wasn't happy that _this _was the after party. Hopefully getting a little bubbly into him would help him relax his need to scrunch his nose at just about everything he encountered here.

One of the Eclipse grooms nabbed one of the cases and we added ice to one of the huge buckets we used for soaking sore hooves. The bucket was made of black rubber, had two rope handles on opposite sides of the length and was short but wide enough to hold about a half dozen bottles of the champagne. The expensive glasses and pristine tables that had been sent for the party were packed to return to Toronto unused, but someone had made a run to the Dollar Store and we drank our champagne from cheap plastic flutes.

Conversation was stilted at first, mostly talking about the big Race and then it veered toward track gossip. Fears that the Track would close for good at the end of the season was a consistent rumor that circulated; I'd been hearing it since I starting working here so I'd become immune to the panic that seem to infect the others. Garrett, not knowing any of the other grooms or a lot about the topic of conversation, was quiet for once. His mouth, not being as occupied as it normally would be, was left with a void and I failed to notice until it was too late how much he was guzzling his champagne.

Without knowing if Jasper would show up for the party my nerves were running a little high and I too started swilling the stuff myself. My experience with alcohol was limited, having only ever nursed a couple of beers and achieved the slightest buzz, so the speed at which I could down a glass of champagne was unexpected.

The feeling it was invoking was not unappealing.

I was smiling, no, _grinning_, for the first time in a month.

While I didn't want to become too drunk and make a fool of myself, I was enjoying the way it made me feel. I didn't want to lose the feeling and I kept drinking at a slightly more moderate pace.

This week had been a roller coaster ride of emotions. At first I'd been devastated, no _leveled_, by the news Garrett had dropped about Jasper and some… _guy _at the club. I'd been prepping myself to expect to hear something like it, but nothing matched the actual knowledge. Determined to keep myself from falling into the same emotional funk I'd been in for the last month, I proceeded to act as if the information wasn't bothering me.

_Yeah right._

That night, as I was alone in bed trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, my anger overtook me as I tossed and turned.

_How could he let someone else touch him? Why _**_not_**_ me? _

It was a question I asked myself a lot over the past week, and one I didn't like the answer to.

_Did he really see me as that much of a child?_

After a short time Garrett indicated he needed to use the restroom and we made our way to the cafeteria to use the washrooms. It was a trip we made several times over the course of the evening. Even this early the buzz I was experiencing was stronger than any I'd ever had before. I didn't want anyone to realize I was already well on the way to being drunk, so I'd had to concentrate on my stride and even on my words. I was still sober enough to realize it might be a mistake to keep drinking if I wanted to be sure I didn't say or do anything that would send me sprawling 'out of the closet' amongst my fellow grooms.

I remember making the decision to slow down on my champagne consumption. Why I didn't follow through is where my memories become hazy.

I'd finished at the urinal and washed up quicker than Garrett so I stepped outside into the hall to wait.

"… you being so difficult? I told Heidi I'd stop by. What's the big fucking deal with hanging out for a little of the party? Are you afraid of running into _him_?"

It was Rosalie and she was using her usual bitchy pissed off voice. My pulse raced with the knowledge that Jasper was in the same building. I quickly looked around to where I could hide and yet still hear their conversation. If I ducked back into the restroom I wouldn't be able to hear more.

Jasper mumbled some response that I couldn't make out and I wanted to move closer… to see him. I wanted desperately to see those blue eyes looking at me again like I was something worth looking at.

"You are a fucking moron. I can't believe you won't come with me! You are a little shit not facing your mistakes. And while I'm on the topic, why the _fuck _did you have to bring _that _home? You were doing so well. I was beginning to hope you'd changed," Rosalie stated in a tone that sounded both disappointed and angry.

_Oh God. Is she talking about _**_me_**_? Am I the mistake? Fuck. On second thought, maybe I don't want to hear more._

I ducked back into the washroom. The room moved with me and I put a hand against the wall to brace myself. The argument I'd been listening to faded into the background.

My head tingled and I could barely feel my hands.

I smiled.

_Shit. This feels good._

I giggled at the way my head was feeling so light.

_Fuck. What's wrong with me? I don't fucking giggle._

"Teeeddy! You waited for me!"

Garret slammed into my shoulder and I stumbled into the wall.

"What the fuck Garrett?" I shouted back. "What the fuck is your problem."

I shoved him back and he laughed as he fell to the floor.

My own laugh was loud enough to echo through the room.

My acting skills were for shit and so it wasn't surprising that Garrett hadn't fallen for my pathetic attempt to sound angry. It probably didn't help that I was having trouble keeping from smiling.

I helped him up and we stepped out of the washroom with my arm slung over Garrett's shoulder. Apparently I get more affectionate when I've had a little too much to drink. Rosalie and Jasper were nowhere to be seen and they quickly slipped my mind as we made our way back to the party.

Back at the barn Garrett was quick to pour us each another go round and forgetting my decision to slow it down I found myself immediately pouring it down my throat.

It was about an hour later and after two more trips to the restrooms that I noticed Jasper having a smoke away from the crowd. I hadn't seen him arrive.

From the angle he was standing I couldn't see the look on his face, but his stance was tense and his jaw looked locked. I wanted so badly to sidle up to him and kiss him. The memory of touching his back muscles as he held me shirtless against his bare chest had my mouth watering in desire. As I stared at his striking profile an idea took root, one that surprised me.

_Couldn't _**_I_**_ try and be one of his one-night- stands? _

_Would it kill me to have just one night? _

_Because right now I have no such memories to draw from. Right now all I have are some awesome make-out sessions and a little grinding. _

_I never even made him feel good. I never made him cum. _

_Maybe that's the problem. Maybe _**_I_**_ was too selfish. _

The idea that it might be my _only_ opportunity to be with him was also a factor. I'd always wanted to experience my firsts with someone I loved.

_I know he doesn't love me, but wouldn't being with Jasper, even once, be better than that same experience with anyone else?_

I didn't know if I could initiate this plan to seduce Jasper, but I did know it had the possibility to end any chance we had for a future.

Was it worth it?

I really didn't know.

Unfortunately that was as far as my thoughts would go. Action quickly became more important than delving into the possible consequences.

I licked my lips as I thought about kissing him again, and then feeling self-conscious I gave a quick look around to see if anyone had noticed the way I was ogling another man. _Whew._ I let my breath out in a loud whoosh. No one seemed to be paying any attention to me.

Thank God no one could see the way my thoughts had diverged into a single picture of what I wanted to do for Jasper.

I handed my flute to Garrett so I could haul myself up, and in the short time it took me to straighten myself up he'd refilled it again while spilling a good portion in the process. My balance was off and I swayed on my feet for a second.

_Whoa. Probably shouldn't be drinking more._

I shrugged the thought away and took another sip as I made my way over to Jasper. I stumbled and had to concentrate to keep one foot in front of the other without tripping. I was already half-hard in anticipation of being close to him again. I could feel a giggle ready to burst out of me and I knew I was smiling.

Getting drunk was a whole lot more fun than I'd ever imagined.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

Teaser from next chapter:

**"Fuck Edward," Jasper lowered his voice to a whisper. "Sugar, you need to be careful before you out yourself in front of the whole backstretch."**

I won't leave you hanging for long; the next chapter is already written and will be posted soon. I'll be back on a regular schedule come mid-September.

F.Y.I.

Queen's Plate – First race in the Canadian Triple Crown (Queen's Plate, Prince of Wales, and Breeders'). It is run by 3 year old horses foaled in Canada and takes place on the dirt at Woodbine Racetrack in Toronto, Ontario.

Kentucky Derby – First race in the American Triple Crown (Kentucky Derby, Preakness, and Belmont). It is run by 3 year old horses and takes place on the dirt at Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky.

Jockey room – Building where jockeys must spend time before and between races. Jockeys are not allowed to leave the jockey room (except to race) until they have completed their last race of the day. Jockey rooms typically have a changing area, space to store their equipment, a lounging area, and a kitchenette. Female jockeys have their own changing area, but share the communal living room area and kitchenettes with the male jockeys. As you can imagine, the quality and comfort of these buildings will differ based on the quality of racing at each track.


	29. Chapter 29

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

**Just when I think I'll have more time to write something else time intensive gets dropped in my lap. I'm through making promises – I can't be trusted, but I can apologize. Sorry!**

*****_iwtfy*****_

_Probably shouldn't be drinking more. I shrugged to myself and took another sip as I made my way over to Jasper. I stumbled and had to concentrate to keep one foot in front of the other without tripping. I was already half-hard in anticipation of being close to him again. I could feel a giggle ready to burst out of me and I knew I was smiling. _

_Getting drunk was a whole lot more fun than I'd ever imagined._

*****_iwtfy*****_

I jumped and nearly hit the side of a stall door when fingers pressed painfully into my arm causing me to halt in my tracks. I looked down to see Garrett's hand wrapped around my bicep.

_My what girly hands you have._

Without a word I tried to shrug off his grip, it felt wrong to have someone touch me, someone who's not Jasper, _especially_ when I was aroused. His fingers dug in harder and I could feel my erection start to wilt - yet I still couldn't wipe the smile from my face.

I'd never felt better.

"Hey Teddy, don't leave me by myself," Garrett pulled my arm again and tried to haul me back.

It was like a fly trying to lift a frog. _Nuh uh. No way. Not gonna happen._

Maybe if he'd been completely sober versus my current state of intoxication he _might_ have had some chance in restraining me.

_No, probably not even then._

I removed his hand finger by finger. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. Seeing Garrett's fingers being peeled back was distracting and then my vision blurred for a second. I glanced to his face and for a moment I thought he almost looked panicked.

_What the fuck is he worried about? _

As my vision cleared I saw him smiling instead.

_Okaaay._

He squeezed my hand and I realized I hadn't let go of his fingers.

I almost giggled. Or maybe I did?

_Look Garrett, we're holding hands._

_Wait. Wasn't… where did Jasper go?_

Dropping Garrett's hand I attempted to placate him.

"I'll be right back. I need to do this." What _this _was I wasn't about to explain.

I motioned toward Jasper and Garrett shook his head.

"Don't," he warned me.

Irritation flashed through me.

_Don't tell me what to do._

My exasperation with Garrett dissipated as my brain was overtaken with anxiety.

_Why wasn't I good enough? How could he move on so fast?_

Determination steeled within me and I realized this was my opportunity. If I wanted to have something with Jasper I _needed_ to make it happen.

_One night. _

_Was that too much to ask? _

"I'll be right back," I lied.

_Garrett will drink more and won't even notice if I'm gone for awhile. _

"No _Edward, _he's only going to hurt you. He's already moved on."

A sting spread through me as Garrett reminded me of the painful truth.

_One night._ I wanted it so bad I could feel a curl in my stomach. _I can do this._

"Talk. Just talk Gar. Le me go," I demanded.

Ignoring the look of doubt on Garrett's face, I flashed him a grin and waved my fingers at him to go away. It was nice to have such a protective best friend, but sometimes I didn't need it.

Without another backward glance I walked as purposefully as I could toward my goal. My steps only a little slower, a little less sure than when I'd started out. The lightness in my head was still making me feel awesome and my smile continued on unabated.

Jasper looked up as I approached and I saw a look of disappointment cross his face.

_Guess he was hoping I wouldn't be here. Fuck that stings._

"Hey," he mumbled to me as he butted out his cigarette.

My attempt to keep from wrinkling my nose at the sight of his disgusting habit was generally unsuccessful and I tried to quell my disappointment at his half-hearted greeting.

_How do I get him to fool around with me? Can I pull off being seductive?_

I laughed again at the image of me trying to sound all sexy. That _so_ wasn't me. My face flushed with the idea and my cock grew stiff again.

_See, I can't be all that drunk or my dick wouldn't be so stubborn._

When my blurred vision cleared and I focused in on Jasper again he was looking at me with a smirk.

_Better. At least he's smiling now._

"Hey ba… uh… Jasper…. man." _Fuck! Real smooth idiot. _"Whatcha doin by yourself?"

"Well I was having a smoke," he smiled at me without apology. He frowned as he noticed the flute in my hand. "How much have you been drinking? Where's Emmett?"

I smiled. I don't know why I was smiling. I held up my finger and thumb about an inch apart. "A little. Coupla of glasses. It's good, you shhhould t…try some. It's delicious." I leaned in toward him. "I've never been drunk before," I whispered, as if I was telling him some secret. I could smell a mix of tobacco and some other spice. Blood continued to rush into my cock making my pants feel even tighter and I desperately wanted to reach down and relieve it with some friction.

_Please let him want me._

"Are you sure it's smart to be drinking? Where's your brother?" Jasper leaned away from me.

I smiled. _He is so goddamm fucking beautiful._ I wanted to touch his blonde curls that looked so light, his chiseled shoulders, his… fuck. I wanted to touch him everywhere.

"Why? Are you gonna tell on me?" I teased, reaching forward and running my hand up his arm. His skin burned under my touch and I had to hold myself back from pressing my whole body against him. I _wanted_ to feel every part of him.

Jasper groaned and moved away. I could feel a frown crease my forehead. I didn't like him resisting my touch. _This isn't the way I imagined it._

"Fuck Edward," Jasper lowered his voice to a whisper. "Sugar, you need to be careful before you out yourself in front of the whole backstretch."

_Sugar. _I liked it.

_Out myself. Fuck them. I'm tired of all this bullshit._

I rubbed my eyes and ran my hand down my face.

"I don't care babe," If he could call me sugar than I was going to take every advantage. "I'm tired of pretending. None of these assholes matter."

I leaned toward him again, determined to have my hands and lips on him in some way or fashion. When I was close enough to smell his enthralling scent I shut my eyes and closed the distance between us and was surprised to find myself on my hands and knees. I looked up to see Jasper crouching next to me.

_Whoa. He has to have the most intensely blue eyes. _

I think I might've whimpered._  
><em>

_*****iwtfy*****_

I woke up in a heap on the floor.

My stomach lurched and the room spun. I blinked with blurry eyes around the unfamiliar space.

_What the fuck? Where am I?_

I noticed a clock blinking on what looked to be a DVD player located under a large black device that could only be a T.V. A memory started to click into place…

"Are you Jasper? Is Edward here?"

_Dad? _

_Oh shit._

Realizing I was in Jasper's living room, I pushed up to my knees and groaned.

_So this is what it feels like to have a hangover._

_What happened last night?_

My memories of the night before came as a flash of different people, various conversations, and some very interesting happenings. I winced as I vividly remembered gushing to Rosalie of all people, both about my brother _and _hers._ Fuck._ I have no idea who might have been present for _that_ conversation.

Mostly I remember Garrett, Emmett, and Jasper.

I also remember waking up in the dark and making a move on Jasper. It had worked so much better than I'd anticipated. My dick started to awaken as I remembered his hot mouth enveloping it. _Or_, I frowned as I concentrated on remembering what exactly had occurred,_did I dream all that?_

"Come in sir. He's sleeping on our couch."

Scrambling to my feet I looked to see what I might still be wearing and I was relieved to find I was still fully dressed.

_Why did Jasper leave me to sleep on the couch alone? _

"What happened last night? Why didn't he come home?"

I sat down on the couch, head in my hands as I listened keenly to Jasper's response. It was information I needed to know too.

"Uh, well. Edward had a little too much champagne at the celebration last night and I couldn't get him to tell me where home was. I didn't want to leave him alone, so my sister Rosalie and I brought him here to sleep it off. We were going to drive him into work in the morning."

_I can't even fucking remember the ride here._

"Son of a bitch. I assumed his dumb-ass brother would look out for him. Edward knows better than to act like that. He's lucky he had someone responsible like you to take care of him. Why the trouble he coulda…" My dad's angry voice trailed off abruptly. "Thanks. Show me where he is and I'll take him outta your hair."

I slid my hands through my hair as I prepared to see both my father and Jasper. I think I was more worried about how Jasper might be feeling than dealing with an enraged Edward Sr.

_Did he regret what we did last night? _

I couldn't remember how everything went down._Was I able to reciprocate? God I wish I could remember that! _I didn't have any flashes of touching Jasper._Did that mean I'd passed out before I had the opportunity or was I merely forgetting?_ I have to admit to being concerned about my performance. How good could I have been - drunk and inexperienced? _Now there's a winning combination._

"How did you know to come here?" I heard Jasper ask.

"After I was fucking driving all over town, Emmett came up with you as a possibility and he got your address from someone at the Track," my dad grumbled.

As I heard their footsteps approaching, my stomach ached and then somersaulted from nerves as much as the alcohol.

Jasper entered the room before my father and I immediately sought out his gaze. It told me nothing about last night. Instead, he seemed apprehensive and neutral in how he looked at me; like he was a concerned friend with no memory of having his lips wrapped around my dick.

_Did what happened last night change things between us?_

Although I had no intention of sharing that part of my life with my father, and I should have been feeling relief at how well Jasper could act in his role as a concerned friend, I was still feeling somewhat despondent at not being able to discern any interest from his within his eyes.

"You're up," Jasper stated the obvious.

"Good," my dad uttered behind him. His voice conveying his disapproval. "We're leaving Edward. Let's go." He turned around without waiting for a response and headed back to the front door.

I searched Jasper's eyes for any kind of message, but all I could see was unease.

"Jay, what…" I started to ask.

"Listen quick. Your brother decided that it was best if you slept off the alcohol at the Track. We moved you to the Twilight tack room and you were sleeping on the bales of straw. Emmett and Garrett deci…"

"_Garrett?_" I interrupted.

A memory came alive for a moment in my head.

_"Oh my god, please don't pass out on me." A hand tentatively brushed through my hair. I've wanted you for so long. I don't think I can resist."_

I shook my head to dispel the recollection. I didn't have time for those kinds of thoughts right now. Not with my dad waiting.

Jasper sighed with what sounded like disapproval. "Yeah you know, your bff. They decided together that Garrett would take care of you and make sure you were okay for the night. Emmett didn't want you to go home to your father in that state."

"How did I end up here?" _Why?_

"I was…concerned. I'd left you with Garrett about eleven last night and I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned. Your friend," he said friend as if he meant anything but, "had been drinking too, although he appeared a lot more in control of himself. Still I worried." He looked away from me as he spoke, as if he couldn't look me in the eye for the next part he had to relate. "I ended up heading back around one because I was worried. It was a good thing too, you were all alone and the tack room door was wide open."

"Edward, get the hell out here," my dad bellowed. "NOW."

_Fuck. I'd have to get answers later._

"Thanks Jay," I offered sincerely. The way he'd taken care of me was sending off all sorts of happy bursts through my chest.

I _wanted_ to kiss him.

But, between having breath tasting as if something died in it and a sky-rocketing fear of rejection I moved forward to hug him instead. My movement seemed to surprise Jasper and he took a step back. His reaction hurt. _I can't even touch him now? _My stomach lurched again.

I couldn't look at him.

"Right. See you at work in awhile?" I didn't even know what time it was. From the lack of light filtering through the blinds on Jasper's front window I could tell it was still dark outside.

"Yup. See ya then," Jasper answered with a detached tone.

My brain was a mess of confusion. His actions had shown he cared. As far as I could recall we had some sort of intimate action last night, and yet, he was now acting as we were polite acquaintances.

Not wanting to keep my dad waiting any longer I hurried as best I could with nausea abounding throughout my system.

_Oh fuck. I'm going to be sick._

*****iwtfy*****

The short trip home was mostly silent; mostly because although we didn't talk, my dad had continued to make a variety of disapproving sounds as he drove. The clock on the dashboard showed that it was only a few minutes after four. I held one hand on my stomach and the other across my mouth.

_Hold it in. We'll be home soon. Not long. Not long._

With Jasper's rejection still stinging another memory assaulted me without warning.

_Together we'd somehow released my erection from my pants and then Jasper hesitated. I wished I could see the expression on his face. What was he thinking?_

_"Shhhh. We don't want anyone to hear us. Are you sure you want this… Edward?"_

_"Jesus, stop fucking teasing me," I complained. Please touch me. NOW._

_I must have gotten my sense of urgency across because it wasn't long before his hand wrapped around me and I'd had no idea it could feel so different. So fucking amazing. It took what little control I had left to keep from exploding after only a few strokes._

The memories that assaulted me felt so surreal I again questioned if I hadn't simply dreamt it in my drunken slumber. And while my stomach was still threatening to erupt, somehow my dick was still able to raise itself half-mast.

_What really happened last night? _

Even though I'd gone into this situation knowing it wouldn't be the start of a relationship, Jasper's reaction to a hug had solidified the bleakness of our situation.

_It was really over._

When we arrived home I was hopeful that we could avoid the imminent discussion about my behavior and discuss it at a later date.

Or, preferably not at all.

My dad paused with his hand on the front door.

"I called your brother to see if he'd seen you before he left. He'd said you would be at the Track, but when I got there security wouldn't let me in to look for you. I was half mad with worry." _Really? _"One of the guards left to check out where you'd been left. When they returned without finding you I had no idea where to look first. Luckily your brother had several ideas. The first being that fuck-up faggot you call your friend. When I showed up at their door his mom reported that he'd arrived home hours ago, alone. Honestly Edward, I don't know where your head is at.

"This is how it's going to work," my dad's tone immediately dispelled the tiniest hope I'd been grasping onto that I might be given a reprieve from punishment. "You are going to in and get showered because you smell like horse shit and a winery. Then, because I doubt you are in complete control of yourself, I will drive you to work. I don't want to hear any complaints or whining about how you might be feeling. And, because I can see you won't be avoiding some of the effects of poisoning your body such as you have, find a toilet quick or you'll be cleaning the mess up yourself. We'll talk punishment tonight."

Swallowing the groan that wanted to be released, I slowly opened the car door and shifted my weight as gently as possible out of the vehicle. I then shuffled behind my dad, hoping against hope that a quick session with the toilet would make me feel substantially better. _Not very likely._

*****iwtfy*****

"Headache?" Jasper questioned me quietly as we sipped our morning drinks and waited for Carlisle's directions.

I wanted so much to wrap my arms around him. _Why did nothing that happened last night change our situation?_

"Ummm. Actually no. My stomach still feels queasy though," I grimaced as I considered the state of my bathroom. My dad had been very explicit on his assertions that I would be the only one to clean up that mess. _Shit, it's going to be dried up and twice as hard to clean when I get home._

The look on Jasper's face matched my own look of disgust, but it quickly morphed into something more empathetic.

"Well it's happened to all of us," he commiserated.

"Jasper?" I took a quick peak outside the tack room to see if Carlisle or Fred were close by. When I didn't see anyone I continued. "About last night…" I didn't know how to ask.

_By the way Jasper, did you suck my cock last night?_

"I uh… I was wondering if you could give me more… details about last night? My head is kinda fuzzy still."

"Well you were already drunk when you approached me and you were a little less inhibited than you would normally be. I was worried you'd do or say something in front of the others that you'd come to regret in the morning," he explained.

"Sorry," I dropped my head in embarrassment. I needed to know everything. "What else happened?

"I convinced you to move away from the party and we came back here."

Jasper's lowered his eyes as if he was hiding something.

"Emmett found us here."

_Oh God, what did my brother witness!_

Jasper must have noticed the increase in my agitation and he was quick to reassure me.

"You were chatty, but we were _only_ talking. I'd motioned to Rosalie where we were headed when we left the party and I think she'd passed on the info to your brother. I knew he'd be coming to look for you."

_Is that the only reason we were only talking?_

"While your brother and I worked on a solution as to what to do with you, he remembered you'd brought Garrett with you and he left to go find him. The rest you know."

_What? That's it? What about that amazing blowjob I remember receiving?_

"That's it?" I couldn't hold back the question, although I'd never intended to ask that way.

"Yeah," Jasper smirked. "You sure are a flirtatious drunk E, quite amusing."

_Is he trying to say nothing happened? What the fucking hell?_

"I hope my behavior didn't make you too uncomfortable?" I was reaching, trying to read his every reaction. It wasn't that it couldn't have been a dream, but it seemed so real. I still couldn't shake the memory.

"Nahh," he shrugged, his eyes dancing in amusement.

Even while I was sorting through the confusion I couldn't help but smile back. It was nice to have a moment, fleeting as it might be. Any moment with a happy Jasper was worth savoring.

Jasper opened his mouth as if to add something more, but Fred's voice carried over to us and I knew our private conversation was over. His mouth closed abruptly and he winked at me. A thrill shot through me.

Jasper whispered in my ear as he passed and goosebumps erupted across the back of my arms.

"I had a hard time resisting your charms sugar. Next time you might not get away with it."

*****iwtfy*****

Thanks for reading!

**Next up:** A Garrett outtake covering a lot of what Edward is having a hard time remembering. For those of you who reviewed one of the last couple of chapters and received an invitation to pre-read a part of chapter 30 - do not fear. It has grown from about 1,700 words to 5,800. So if it starts off sounding familiar don't give up and skip the chapter, there is a lot new.

**Teaser from Chapter 30 (Garrett POV):**

_Nothing was ever going to feel the same._

_My stomach rolled as I considered what I should do - how this might affect our relationship. I didn't know if I could ever again look Edward in the eye. The pain and disgust I felt over what had occurred would stay with me forever._


	30. Chapter 30

_**A Garrett Outtake**_

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Thanks to all those who review, favorite, follow, and lurk. I'm pleased and consistently surprised that anyone is still reading.

*****_iwtfy*****_

_**GPOV**_

My life would have been so much simpler if I'd been born with an ounce of patience.

Squandering my first kiss on a boy named Sam was the first of what would become a long list mistakes. He was eleven and had been unexpectedly nice to me when I tried out for and didn't make the school track and field team. It was my first and only attempt at athletics _and_ at kissing a boy I wasn't one hundred percent sure was gay. I was naïve at ten and hadn't realized the repercussions of planting one on a boy who wasn't interested. Afterwards I'd had to tell my mom a fabricated story about walking into a door.

A couple of summers ago, many of my other firsts were wasted on Sean. I guess it's kind of thoughtless to call them wasted, but it wasn't as though either of us had any true feelings for each other. We'd both been eager and again… too impatient to wait for someone we truly cared for. Our experiences together started with making out and wanking off in the same room. The excitement of finding someone to share my rapidly overwhelming and hormonally induced desires clearly overshadowed any resistance my conscience wanted to throw at me. Eventually we moved on to handjobs and on our last night I attempted a somewhat successful blowjob. At least I'd gotten him off, even if my gag reflex needed a lot of work.

Edward and I had never discussed the kind of experience I'd gained that summer. It predated our friendship and it was also a subject I'd always avoided with him. He made it easy for me to pretend I was innocent too. Edward was so… so… some people might have called him prudish, but that description was never accurate. He was moralistic without being antiquated, private but unafraid, and he had an innocence and purity that made me _want_ to be a better person.

And I was…for awhile.

Well, _most_ of the time.

Then came _Jasper_. That fucker was so freakin' wrong for Edward, it was like the devil trying to mate with an angel.

And it felt like my insides were being ripped out.

After meeting the eye-filling Jasper and then having Edward text me to keep my hands off, I was awash with not only insecurity but also with fear. Fear that my chance with Edward was slipping away. That… that… man – _Jasper_ – would use _my_ Edward and then, with his innocence stripped away, throw him aside, forever damaging him.

_Oh_, I would still be there to pick up the pieces, but I couldn't stand the idea of Edward hurting.

Of _anyone_ hurting him.

So much so that I came very close to ignoring his text and moving ahead with my attempt to ruin Jasper in Edward's eyes.

It would have worked too. One shared look with Jasper and I could see lust and recklessness barely controlled under the surface. There was no way in hell he would have turned down the experience of having my lips wrapped around his dick. It didn't matter how little experience I had in the act, I knew I could bullshit my way into his pants. It was a done deal… _if only I hadn't had that damn text_.

Having to decide between those two fucking shitty scenarios had me flummoxed. I wanted to protect Edward, but at what cost?

One misstep and I might destroy my chance at making our relationship what it was meant to be.

In the end, my hesitation and circumstances beyond my control made my course of action decided for me. Bella dragged me off to meet Rosalie, and the next time I sought out Jasper he'd also moved on. The fire in his eyes had been snuffed out and I began to wonder if I'd only imagined it in the first place.

Later that same night while at the club, I'd flirted shamelessly with Josh, a hockey player who'd been after me for months. It was a poor attempt to make myself feel a little better. _Like at least someone wanted me_.

Josh bought me drinks and I drowned my worry and anxiety over Edward's interest in Jasper with tequila shots. I couldn't understand why my best friend wouldn't even answer my texts. _Was this the beginning of the end?_ Even inebriated I'd kept Josh at bay and only shared a few hot kisses with him on the dance floor.

Later while defending my actions with Josh to Bella, who was well acquainted with my feelings for Edward, I ranted about how wrong Jasper was for him and Bella listened with an open ear. She was rapidly replacing Edward as my confident, which was fitting since I couldn't ever lament to _him_ about my harbored feelings.

The next day, when Edward described his public make-out session with Jasper, I was seething with jealousy. And, wanting to keep up this masquerade of being the supportive _friend_, I accepted his invitation to dinner to hear the details I was loathe to listen to. I brought Bella with me and coached her to deflect the attention off of me if I became too bereft listening to Edward wax on about his new boyfriend.

_Don't think I didn't notice how much she fucking sucked at the job I'd given her. Thank you very much **Bella **for leaving me on my own as I was sucking wind and feeling like I was about to die._

As each word about Edward's new relationship dropped from his beautiful lips it chipped another piece of me away and in retaliation I had the fucking nerve to accuse the man of failing to live up to some high, gay standards of public admission.

_Honestly, like I wouldn't have fucking jumped on Edward's cock even if he wanted to hide us both away in the closet for next five years._

_Yeah, I would have so been there._

*****iwtfy*****

"Isn't he yummy?"

_Why am I saying this to him?_ _Because you're a stupid fuck._ I couldn't stop myself. I was like a car who'd broken through a guard rail on a high cliff and was tipping over the edge about to make the deadly drop… and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"All that squatting on horses all day must make his ass like fucking steel. I bet he could make me scream like a chick as he pounds me into a mattress." I declared all this shit in a voice loud enough for a few of those standing close enough to overhear.

_If I'm going for an epic crash I might as well have an audience._

Edward's face turned a shade of pink that would have looked fitting for a girl of twelve. He is so oblivious that I sometimes feel like smacking him on the back of the head.

_Wake up! Yes your best friend is in love with you. Pay attention!_

Admittedly, maybe ogling other men and exaggerating about what I'd want to do with them might not be the most impressive strategy, but hey, I've tried just about everything else - so fucking SUE me. I wanted Edward to notice me. ME. Not his friend, but his potential _soul_ mate. I could be that for him; if only he'd realize it.

Hearing the news that Edward's short-lived relationship with Jasper 'manwhore' Whitlock had ended almost as soon as it started was a miracle I wasn't about to take for granted. My relationship with Edward hadn't been progressing the way I had always planned and had actually derailed recently. If anything, I'd lost one of my already attained goals – his trusting friendship - and now I was forced to work at regaining it.

When he'd invited me to accompany him on his favorite racing day of the year, I had myself convinced it was a date. And as the day progressed I let myself sink into the fantasy that he might have felt the same way.

In fact, Edward was the perfect date. He laughed at my antics, stayed by my side as he introduced me to his fellow workmates, and even placed his jacket over that disgusting piece of horse equipment they were using in place of chairs so that _I_ could feel more comfortable.

_I mean, come on people, why aren't there chairs here? Seriously, are racetrack people not part of our western culture?_

We ended up drinking champagne out of these cheap cups that Edward thought resembled flutes.

_I see I'm going to have to be the one to introduce my boy to a more refined culture. It might be hopeless. My boy is anything but high maintenance. But hey, that's where I come in._

As the night moved on and we drank to our heart's content, I began to notice a shift in Edward's demeanor. He was starting to notice me.

Me. _Me._

Notice me in the _way_ that I'd always hoped.

I was beginning to realize his actions tonight, where he took care of me, might have actually meant more than those of a protective friend.

Maybe my attempt to make him jealous was working.

_Yah me! Ha, in my face all you fuckers who doubted it could work!_

Maybe he was over Jasper.

Maybe he was finally awakening to what we could become.

The more times Edward touched me – his arm slung over my shoulder, a friendly punch in the arm, his hand at my back as he guided me in front of him to the correct barn – the more I realized how amazing it could fucking be. It was all _so_ perfect. His every touch made my pulse race and I could feel a tingle on my skin, even through the material of my clothes.

_He **must** feel that too._

What we could do after we left the party was flashing through my mind on fast forward.

_Did I have condoms?_

_Fuck me. I think I drank too much. Gotta stop drinking._

I nearly asked him if he'd brought lube.

I guzzled down another shot of bubbly. I felt like my nerves had become live wires and I was about to jump out of my skin.

_Of course Edward didn't bring fucking lube, he's a virgin._ He had no idea of the kind of fun I was now planning. I'd have to make this so freaking special. He deserves it.

No. We _both_ deserve it.

And I should have fucking waited for him.

_Fucking cute hockey players. Why was I so fucking impatient?_

_Wait! Where is Edward going?_

Heaving myself upward took more effort than I'd realized and the ground appeared to swirl at my feet as I swallowed back the heap of saliva that had pooled in my mouth.

_Why am I standing up?_

_Fuck. Why did I drink that last glass?_

_What? Oh yeah. Fuck. Edward. Gotta keep Edward here. _

I reached my hand out and I was too late. He'd walked away.

Rushing forward to catch up to him I miraculously managed to stay upright. I grabbed his arm by the bicep and planted my feet. My boy had evolved into such a strong motherfucker and although I found his new strength incredibly tantalizing it was hard to slow him down. I dug my nails into his skin to increase the likelihood of my success.

With the slow way his head turned and the way his stare fixated on my hand I realized the alcohol was probably affecting him more than me. But the lopsided grin he was wearing made my heart skip a beat and I quickly forgot about how he probably wasn't himself. I wanted so badly to pull him toward my lips.

_Where the fuck were you going Edward?_

"Hey Teddy, don't leave me by myself."

My pet name for Edward involuntarily slipped from my lips and I prayed it wouldn't bother him too much. I tugged on his arm hoping he would come back with me. _Unless he has somewhere else he'd like to take me? _

_Fuck yeah Teddy that's the right idea, take me somewhere private._

When he pulled my hand off with a cold, deliberate motion I started to sway on my feet and it _wasn't_ from the effect of the alcohol.

I had misunderstood.

My heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest.

_He still doesn't think of me __**that**__ way._

Then the realization that he was still touching me pushed away all my doubts.

As if we were at some sort of awkward impasse we stood frozen for several seconds, him hanging onto my hand, me wishing we could stand this way forever.

His strong calloused fingers may have been the only part of him touching me but it felt like he had me in a bear hug. I was growing warmer by the second and I wondered how amazing it would be to have more of him pressed against me.

_Why hasn't he let go? _

_God, can I let myself believe for a moment that he likes our hands together like that?_

As if he heard my thoughts and didn't want to make the wrong impression Edward suddenly dropped my hand from his. His gesture caused my heart to sink like a stone falling to the bottom of a lake.

"I'll be right back. I need to do this," he explained.

_Do what? _

Again, it was as if he'd plucked my question right out of my head and he motioned with his hand.

I squinted to see a figure standing off to the side a few yard away from anyone else - smoking.

_Fuck no! _

"Don't," I let out in a harsh but desperate tone.

It was the only word I could get out even though I wanted to beg him to stay with me.

_Why would he even want to be near that guy? Hadn't he learned his lesson? _

And Jasper was the last person Edward should be around when he's drunk. I wouldn't put it past that asshole to totally take advantage of my boy.

"I'll be right back," he replied, never taking his eyes off the asshole; who even I had to admit was looking scorching hot in a fitted shirt and tight jeans. _Fuck. _I wished I could look like him.

I had to think of something, _anything_, to keep Edward with me.

"No _Edward, _he's only going to hurt you. He's already moved on," I pleaded, praying that I could somehow get through to him. When a brief look of pain passed across his features I ended up feeling like a well-deserved asshole.

"Talk. Just talk Gar. Le me go," he insisted, while starting to slur his words.

An uneasy thought flitted across my mind. _Has Edward even been drunk before? _

This situation was going from bad to fucking epically shitty.

He flashed me a grin that _almost_ made me forget what I was worried about and then waved at me as if to shoo me away.

My stomach spun unpleasantly and I worried for a moment that I was going to vomit right in front of everyone. Resting my hand against one of the stalls I wrapped an arm around myself trying to keep it together.

Not paying any mind to my discomfort, Edward turned back toward the asshole and walked away.

I stood frozen watching my boy approach a man who would happily defile him and toss him to the side. It was a pathetic feeling to be forced to the sidelines and observe what could possibly turn out to be another setback to the course of our relationship.

_What if he only plans to say hello? _Imagine, I thought with a small amount of hope, if he wanted to shove our new relationship in Jasper's face._ Would I have a problem with being used in such a fashion? Fuck No! Use me all you want Teddy._

Before Edward reached Jasper my stomach once again churned more forcefully and I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I clumsily stumbled to find a more appropriate place to evacuate my insides.

_Why now when I gotta keep an eye on my boy?_

I barely made it off the shed row before I was puking up the fucking champagne. The first few spews weren't all that unpleasant, but it didn't take long before I was out of breath and my throat was burning. _Fuck._

I don't know how long I was out of commission. At one point I'd somehow made it to the restroom back at the cafeteria and I couldn't even remember getting there. I vaguely remember splashing water on my face and rinsing out my mouth, all the while still unable to let go of the fantasy I'd managed to fabricate over the course of the evening.

With shaky legs and a clearer head I returned to the barn where we'd been drinking. I glanced from figure to figure and couldn't see messy bronze hair anywhere. I didn't see Asshole either. Panicked thoughts spun out of control and if I'd had anything else left in my stomach I'm sure I would have been hunched over and heaving again.

_Where the fuck did Edward go?_

"Are you looking for my brother?"

_Emmett. Fuck. _

_Wait! Emmett can help! _

He wouldn't want his brother corrupted any more than I would.

Perhaps even less…

"Where's…" I coughed, the burn in my throat raging. "Where's Edward?"

"He's fucking wasted," he chuckled. "Probably going to regret having attended this party in the morning" He looked me up and down. "You don't look much better pipsqueak."

Emmett always liked to make fun of our size difference. He was a fucking giant and I was…smaller than average.

"Fuck you giant," I muttered. "I should call you fucking Hagrid with the way you keep getting bigger."

"Who?" Emmett questioned, sounding more than a little confused.

_And the nickname just got better._ _I think I'll call him that all the time. It might amuse Edward. _Emmett was so not the type to have seen any of the movies, and forget about having read the series. I'm not sure Emmett has ever picked up a book in all the time I've known him.

"Never mind. Where's your brother?" My anxiety had re-emerged and I wanted nothing better than to have Edward within my view again.

"He's with _Jasper_," Emmett admitted.

_Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuk!_

It was the last thing I'd wanted to hear.

Emmett was watching me carefully for my reaction. With years of practice I controlled my facial response.

_Did he know about how Edward felt about Jasper? Wait – does he know Edward's gay?_

My eyes narrowed toward him.

"You _know_."

His eyes brightened and his mouth pursed in an amused look.

"I've _always_ known half pint."

_I knew it! Wait. He's always known Edward's gay? Or, was he referring to something else? _

When he'd catch me alone Emmett had often implied in his less than subtle approach that I had amorous feelings for Edward. I had never admitted he was right and he'd always been decent enough to keep his suspicions between the two of us.

I had to make it clear to Emmett that Jasper was not good for his brother.

"And you left him, drunk and defenseless with that ass-fucking, manwhore of a fucking asshole?"

"What?" Emmett questioned while looking worried. "He seemed okay. I mean…fuck. Okay, let's go see them. I came to look for you to see what kind of shape you were in. I was kind of hoping you'd be up to taking care of him." he explained.

Moving forward my head spun but I could tell the vomiting had taken the wind out of my intoxicated state. _No more fucking alcohol for me thank you very much._

Emmett led me to another barn and towards a dark stable door. Jasper was standing outside the door, another lit cigarette in his hand.

_The fucker couldn't quit smoking for a couple of minutes?_

Apparently the same thought had crossed Emmett's mind.

"What the hell dude? You should know better than to smoke in a shed row. You're standing right next to straw. What kind of idiot are you?" Emmett demanded in a harsh tone.

"Sorry man," Jasper apologized, immediately butting out his cigarette on the bottom of his cowboy boot and pocketed the butt.

_I wish I could look that cool in boots. If I tried to wear anything like them I'd look like a child playing dress-up._

"Think man, think," Emmett tapped him on the forehead as he passed. "I was there when they had a barn fire last winter at Woodbine. Horrific to hear the screams from the horses who never made it out. Never want to hear anything like it again," Emmett shuddered with the memory.

I wanted to kiss Emmett. The way he'd dressed down Jasper so efficiently I wished I could high-five him.

Jasper was decent enough to looked ashamed and I added in my best glare as I pushed past him into the dark room.

_Where the fuck was Edward?_

Emmett turned on the overhead light and I could now see the room we'd entered was filled with equipment and bales of hay. I was surprised to see Edward laying down across the bales. He appeared to be unconscious.

"He's too fucked up to take home so I brought him in here to take a nap. I didn't want to take him home and run into Dad."

I nodded in understanding. Edward Sr. wouldn't do well with a smashed Edward. They clashed at the best of times.

"He can crash at my place," I offered. My mom freakin' loved Edward.

"Well he needs to be back here in six hours for work in the morning. I don't suppose you'll be up to give him a ride at five a.m.?"

"Not fucking likely," I snorted._ Like I would ever voluntarily wake-up at that time. _"I need my beauty sleep to look this good everyday," I added, wishing I could make such a promise. Yet, I knew I would be sleeping like at baby at that time and nothing could break through my hangover induced sleep.

"Does he really need to work in the morning? Carlisle is such a slave-driver, never giving Edward a fucking day off all summer," I complained.

"Hey, race horses are a seven-day-a-week job, Edward knows that. He'll have to crash here for the night. Carlisle can wake him when he gets here in the morning," Emmett decided.

"He can crash at my place," Jasper offered.

Emmett and I both turned and glared at the brazen offer.

_Like we're going to let an unconscious Edward sleep at a stranger's house._ _Not fucking likely! Especially one who has a history of taking advantage of young men…_

"You'll be coming in for work in the morning?" Emmett interrupted the smug lecture in my head.

_What the hell Emmett? _

I had to correct this immediately.

"Emmett dude, you can't leave Edward in this condition with a virtual stranger to take care of him."

Jasper coughed with what I suspected was an attempt at disbelief. I was instantly annoyed.

_**You**__ do not know my Edward. Not really._

I pulled Emmett further away from Jasper and whispered furiously. "How can you trust this guy?"

"What? He seems okay and Edward likes him. What would you suggest?" Emmett asked.

"I don't know, anything but… _this_!" I was at a loss for an argument and I could feel myself about two seconds away from stomping my foot in frustration.

_How do I explain that it will eat me alive? This, on the eve when our relationship was about to take new definition._

"He'll be fine. He can sleep on the couch. Rosalie will be home too," Jasper interrupted our discussion.

"If you don't mind, we were having a private conversation here cowboy," I spat at the cocky bastard.

"There see, his sister will be there too." Emmett pushed past me and moved toward Edward with the intent to wake him.

"No!" I yelled a little too loudly causing Edward to groan and he shift around on the bale of hay.

_Sorry sweetie._

My mind raced to come up with a reasonable alternative.

"I'll stay here with him. I can get a ride home in the morning. If he's sick I can help him. I'm feeling so much better. It makes sense," I continued on, "we came together, I should be the one to take care of him." I shot a look at Jasper to see if he'd object.

Emmett stopped short and turned. "Really? You'll stay in this room ALL night?"

_He didn't have to sound so amazed._

"Of course. He's my best friend. That's what best friends do."

Jasper interrupted again. "Emmett, he's fine coming with me. He'll be more comfortable. No one would want to wake up in a tack room after a hard night of drinkin'."

_You can stop right there asshole. My boy is **not** going home with the likes of you!_

"No, I imagine he wouldn't," Emmett agreed. _Fuck no. _"But it might be a good lesson for him and maybe he won't be getting drunk again anytime soon. He's still fucking underage." _Yes! _

Even though Emmett was acting as if he was the parent in this situation and had never made this same mistake himself, something I was sure he'd done on more than one occasion, I couldn't find it in me to be bothered. Instead I wanted to have a happy dance on the spot, but I managed to reign in my triumph and only sent a small victory smirk toward Jasper.

"Okay small fry, take good care of my bro and behave," Emmett threw a stern look my way.

_Behave? What does he fucking think I'm going to do, throw a party in this stinky, dirty room?_

I'd erased my smirk as soon as he turned toward me. My thoughts of what I'd earlier imagined Edward and I might do tonight made it impossible to look Emmett in the eye.

After the guys left I shut the tack room door tight. I couldn't bolt it from the inside, but at least there was a semblance of privacy. Quickly moving toward Edward I found a repulsive but relatively clean blanket with some strange buckles and laid it over my boy. If there was one thing I could do right, it would be to take good care of him.

I studied his face. He looked so goddamn gorgeous and innocent as he slept. I fantasized about a time when I could wake up next to him every morning. _Fuck_ he'd be a sight to see. I couldn't resist running my fingers through his silky hair and I leaned over to give his cheek a light kiss.

"Mmmm," Edward moaned again as he shifted.

"Shhhh sweetheart, sleep," I whispered.

I turned off the light in the tack room and used the glow of my phone to make my way back to the bales. There wasn't a lot of room for me to sleep too, but fuck if I was going to sit or stand all night. Edward wouldn't care if I laid down next to him.

*****_iwtfy*****_

I awoke in what felt like minutes later when hands gripped my waist and something hard pressed against my ass.

"Babe," a voice sighed in my ear.

_Edward._

My heart raced out of control as I realized who and _what_ had awakened me.

"Edward?" I rolled over and faced him in the dark. It was impossible to see his expression.

"Why did you ignore me for so long?" he asked, his voice sounding resoundingly and heartbreaking sad.

"I'm sorry," I responded automatically. _I really fucked up our friendship. I never should have let so much time pass. _"I wanted to call. I thought you were mad at me."

"Not mad," he whispered. "Never mad."

Suddenly his mouth was on mine and despite his sour breath my heart soared. His hands roamed over my body and I squeaked when one pressed against my rapidly hardening erection.

_He's touching me! Edward is touching my dick!  
><em>

"Fuck babe, can't we have this one time?" he murmured.

I wanted to ask why it had to be only one time, but I was too afraid of the answer.

_Please God let me be good enough so that he won't be able to resist coming back for more. _I felt slighting weird for praying for another chance to fool around.

Edward made a funny sound and I forgot my discomfort and instead worried about how sick he might be feeling.

"You okay? Think you're gonna be sick?"

"No," he mumbled.

Then he said the one thing that could make me happier than anything in the world.

"Want you," he breathed out.

My heart thumped, my pulse raced, and my hands almost started shaking.

_He's had a lot to drink. Should I stop this now?_

_Fuck it. This is a force too strong to oppose. _

"Oh my god, please don't pass out on me," I chanted as I pulled him closer. My mouth lost its filter and I found myself admitting what I'd worked so hard to keep hidden. "I've wanted you for so long. I don't think I can resist."

"_Don't_," he whispered in an irresistibly cute fucking tone.

_Oh my fucking God. I can't believe this is real. _I wanted to show him how good I could make him feel. I wanted to show him what he'd be missing if he'd chosen Jasper instead.

First I had to make sure it was clear what he wanted.

"Don't what? Don't touch you? Don't resist? I'm dying here," I questioned, barely able to breathe as I awaited his response.

Then he surprised me once again by grabbing my hand that had wandered into his hair and brought it to his mouth.

_Is he tasting my fingers?_

_How fucking hot it that? _My dick was like steel at this point.

"_Are_ you sure?" I asked one more time.

_I wish this room wasn't like a blackout and I could see him._ Without windows there was no natural light coming in and the tack room was darker than I'd ever remembered experiencing.

"Please babe? Please? Make me feel good?" He was practically begging.

_Oh my God Edward. You should never have to beg for that; but was it fucking wrong that it turned me on to hear it?_

After dropping my hand with a last sweet kiss on my hand, I could feel him reach down between us. With a thumping heart I held my breath as his fingers descended to his waist and worked to open his own jeans. Even in the dark I could tell he was having trouble so I took the opportunity to help him. I batted his fingers away and skillfully unbuttoned his jeans and pulled down the zipper.

_I'm about to touch Edward's erection._ After reigning in a girlish squeal, my breathing turned ragged and I wondered if it would greatly break the mood if I were to hop up and turn on the light. I so badly wanted to see my boy in his full glory.

Not wanting to ruin any chance for this history making moment, I stayed right where I was and pressed down on his impressive erection before releasing it from his pants and boxers. When his cock popped free he let out a loud but sexy moan.

I was suddenly aware that it still wasn't that late and there might still be other employees in the vicinity. "Shhhh. We don't want anyone to hear us. Are you sure you want this…" _Teddy._ "Edward?"

"Jesus, stop fucking teasing me," he thundered out.

His lack of inhibition threw a blanket over my desire and reminded me how drunk he really was.

_This is wrong. Edward doesn't talk this way. This isn't the right way to take care of him._

Despite my warring feelings my hand reached out searching for that part of him I'd been dying to see… to feel.

_*****__iwtfy*****_

"Garrett? Is that you honey?" My mom's concerned voice called out from her bedroom as I tried to slink down the hallway to my room. Our apartment was too fucking small to ever return unnoticed.

"Yeah mom," I answered as I kept walking. I had no intention of letting her catch sight of me. Not because I'd been drinking, I'd walked the last of that shit off with the long walk home from the Track, but because if she took one look at me she'd see the guilt and regret plastered across my face and I know I'd have burst into tears.

_I can't tell her what I've done. She'd be so disappointed._

"I'll talk to you in the morning, I'm off to bed. Night," I rushed out trying to sound tiredly cheerful and hoping to avoid any further interaction.

"Okay dear. Hope you had a good time!"

I sighed in relief as she stayed in her room.

Closing my door behind me I slumped against it and slid down to my butt._What a fucking mess._

Against my better judgment, which was always questionable at the best of times, I'd gone ahead and made Edward feel good. _Why. Why did I do it?_

I could make all the excuses in the world.

He wasn't the only one drunk.

He was begging me.

It was Edward and he was irresistible.

I'd thought we were meant to be together.

But nothing, nothing, nothing will ever correct the mistake I'd made. My life will never be the same again.

_I'm a selfish, worthless, fool of a man, no boy. I'm not a man. A man wouldn't have taken advantage of his best friend._

Nothing was ever going to feel the same. My stomach rolled as I considered what I should do. How this might affect our relationship. I didn't know if I could ever again look Edward in the eye. The pain and disgust I felt over what had occurred would stay with me forever.

I slid back up to my feet and stripped off all my clothes except my briefs and slid into bed, curling up into a fetal position.

_Of course that perfect specimen of a man would never want __**me**__. He was always way too good for me and I was in la la land to ever think it could work._

But still…I was fucking floored when I'd dropped his softening erection from my mouth and proudly swallowed the last bit of cum down my throat, happy that I'd been able to please him…and then he called _his_ name.

_Jasper._

With that one name, falling from his lips like a prayer, my life was over. I'd pulled up his briefs for him, it was the least I could do after molesting him, and I tried to zip up his jeans with a shaky hand. I bailed when Edward tried to pull me up to his face. _Probably wanting to kiss __**Jasper**__ again._

So I ran.

I left my drunk best friend alone and walked out the door.

I couldn't do one thing right.

Disgust filled my body from head to toe and I wondered how I could ever have fooled myself into thinking someone like Edward would ever want someone like me.

I couldn't even fool myself into thinking there was anything I could do to repair the damage. I wanted a crater to open up and swallow me whole.

I would never… could never tell anyone what happened.

_Why the fuck couldn't I have waited?_

*****_iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

F.Y.I. I know there is usually a long time between updates so I'll remind you of an important fact: Edward and Jasper broke up and were hardly talking for the past month AND Edward and Garrett had an argument/falling out at about the same time and hadn't been talking either.

Next up: A time jump. For those of you who expressed concern - there will be HEA for E & J. It might take awhile, but eventually I'll get you there.

What I'm reading: _Driven To Distraction _by AbstractSong101 - A Carlisle/Edward Fic and only six chapters along but I'm loving the buildup and the slow burn.


	31. Chapter 31

I'd like to thank all those who took the time to review last chapter. I actually feel guilty receiving any because I don't deserve them and it constantly surprises me that anyone would read anything I had to write.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will (not quite there yet) have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

I had a few comments that this story is progressing too slowly but I won't apologize for that – teenage angst it is. I will however apologize for the long time between updates. Sorry!

_*****iwtfy*****_

**Last chapter was a Garrett outtake with his side of what occurred at the after party. This chapter jumps six months ahead.**

_*****iwtfy***** _

It took many years before I could admit that Jasper had been right.

It was easy to look in the rearview mirror and understand that at seventeen I had been way too young to involve myself with an adult, but at that age, as it was with most young adults, I couldn't see it…or believe it. Surprisingly, even having witnessed the train wreck that was my parent's married life, I was an optimist when it came to romance. In my mind, love would conquer all, or at least I had confidence that _my_ love would. And while in most ways I was mature beyond my years, I underestimated the significance of my naivety when it came to sexual relationships. Such would be my downfall. It was because of this incongruous character of my personal development that I felt a pull toward what I truly wasn't ready for.

And for awhile, I blamed Jasper for my mistakes.

_*****iwtfy*****_

I inhaled deeply through my nose, relieved that the last of my lingering cold seemed to have finally disappeared. The warm scent of the horses housed in the barn was comforting and I once again silently acknowledged the good fortune it was to have been offered this job. I had always liked my job at the animal hospital, but it still didn't measure up to the level of contentment I experienced working with thoroughbreds. The opportunity to witness them in the off-season, when they were relaxed and often times free to run in the fields, was something totally different and at times almost transcendent.

A soft nicker broke through my thoughts and I remembered the task I'd been assigned. Looking around the unfamiliar barn I patiently went stall to stall examining the halters hanging by each door. It always made it easier when owners took the time to have name plates engraved and attached to the halters as they had in this case.

"Ah there you are Emma Blue," I said in a gentle tone. I had been warned she was a skittish filly and I was hoping to keep her calm.

Peter was still talking to the trainer's wife as I eased open the barn door and gestured that we were ready. He nodded his head at me and excused himself from the woman who looked like she would have enjoyed standing all day in the cold in order to enjoy an adult conversation. Or it could have been Peter specifically she enjoyed conversing with, he was such an easy-going, personable man, I could easily see how he'd quickly become the top choice of veterinarians at Forks. Having been my boss for the last five months we've gotten along splendidly and I continued to be amazed at how lucky I'd gotten to have had two excellent bosses so far. My relationship with Peter was solid but differed from the one I had with Carlisle; Peter and I were closer in age and maybe because of that he was more friend and mentor than father figure or boss.

"Got Emma ready for me?" he asked as he reached a closer distance, his cheeks rosy from standing in the cold.

"Yup," I responded easily while rubbing my hands together. Although the barn is not heated, the combined body temperatures of the horses and having shelter from the wind and snow makes a considerable difference in temperature from the outside winter weather.

"So what do you think of her condition?" Peter inquired, his brown eyes twinkling with good cheer. He was always asking my opinion, almost as if my judgment should really matter. If I was wrong he was very good at analyzing why I'd come to the wrong conclusion and had a very tactful manner for correcting me. I'd learned a lot this winter.

"I think it's obvious she has the wrong kind of shoe…"

_*****iwtfy*****_

I returned home late that night, having stopped after the game to have dinner with my friends Mike and Tyler. I'd rejoined house league hockey this season and hanging out with my teammates had become a surprising addition to my social life. No, none of them knew that I was gay, but it doesn't weigh on me like it used to. Having Garrett disappear from my life had lessoned my guilt in keeping some parts of my life private. And, even though I missed my best friend, I hadn't realized what an influence his opinion had had on my psyche. I was going to come out when I was ready, not by being badgered into it. Besides, I'd already come out to those who mattered to me and I wasn't in any hurry to make it a part of my every interaction.

"Edward, is that you honey?" A voice called out as soon as I'd come through the side door.

"Yeah, sorry I'm so late," I apologized, even though Esme had never set a specific curfew for me.

"Don't apologize dear. Carlisle hasn't come home yet, so I wasn't sure which one of you it was," she called from the living room. "Did you have enough to eat?"

"Yeah, it's amazing how much McDonald's we can scarf down after a game."

"I hope you're getting at least some fruit or veggies," Esme lectured softly as she entered into the kitchen carrying a load of laundry. Her tone and somewhat reproachful look irritated me.

_I've been taking care of myself for years; I think I can remember to have an apple once in awhile__. _

"How was the game?" She directed the conversation elsewhere, probably having noticed the tension that had taken residence in my jaw and across my shoulders in response to her comment.

_Shit. She's just mothering you jerk, which apparently comes naturally to her. It's not her fault you aren't used to it._

"We lost. _Again._ But it's not like we didn't expect it. We only have four more games left of the regular season. Even if we start a winning streak we won't make the playoffs."

"So I better come out to a game in the next few weeks if I want to catch one before the season ends…"

I knew the way she'd left the sentence open-ended she was fishing for the date and time of my next game.

"No need for that, it's only house-league," I quickly responded, hoping to deter her from actually attending. The only person who'd ever come to my games in the past was Edward Sr. and then I'd wished he hadn't. Even if we'd won the ride home was always filled with a lecture covering in great detail all the mistakes I'd made. Rationally I knew Esme wouldn't be like that, but having someone there to watch me gave me a queasy feeling I couldn't quite shake. "I need to go study. I've got a quiz in biology tomorrow."

"Okay Edward don't stay up too late and feel free to grab a snack from the pantry when you get hungry. We have double-stuff Oreos and they won't last long once Carlisle notices them."

I've been living with Carlisle and Esme for the last two months and she knew I still didn't feel comfortable taking anything from them. It was hard enough accepting their generosity of giving me a place to live; I couldn't put them out for the cost of food too.

"Thanks Esme, see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight Edward," Esme called after me.

As I descended the basement steps I almost stumbled under the weight of my hockey bag. I didn't usually find it that heavy but I was distracted once again with the wish that I could have been born with a set of parents like Carlisle and Esme. _Why did I have to end up with the shitty lot I did? _Sometimes I wondered if staying here was worth the pain I felt every time they did something nice for me. When I moved in I'd planned to stay through the summer so I could keep working for Peter, but now, I don't know, sometimes it felt overwhelming living with such idyll parental figures. I was once again considering my original plan to move to Toronto for the summer and live with Emmett.

I hefted the bag up onto my bed and I rifled through it to find what needed washing. The rest of the equipment could get spread out in the laundry room to air out. When I went to my hamper and discovered it filled with nicely folded, clean laundry I shook my head.

"Fuck!"

_See, this is what I'm talking about. I've been doing my fucking laundry for over seven years. It's one more thing I then have to feel guilty about. And, now I don't have a full load to wash and I wanted to wash what I wore tonight because it reeks._

Shoving everything back into the bag, I carried it to the laundry room and dumped it on the floor promising myself I'd get back to it later. It was an immature response and I knew rationally it wasn't Esme's fault, but for some reason I couldn't let it go. I didn't want to be in this fucking situation. It made me feel like a charity case.

Stomping back my bedroom, which was the only bedroom in the basement and afforded me some separation from the dream couple upstairs, I immediately shut the door and locked it. It was a very comfortable room, with dark gray walls, cream carpeting and a soft double bed. But it wasn't _my_ room. That's not to say that Carlisle and Esme were purposefully making me feel like a guest that had overstayed his welcome, because they weren't. It was all me. I couldn't let myself feel this was home; not when I knew I didn't really belong.

_*****iwtfy*****_

You've heard the saying that time heals all wounds, well when Jasper first moved to Toronto and we ceased to communicate on any level I thought it must be a lie generated by some well-meaning individuals who wanted to give some sort of hope to the broken-hearted. Having our relationship cut off cold turkey was painful and I had to fight the urge to hide myself away in grief. Yet, having had a taste of what his departure would do to me in the weeks after we'd broken up, I knew I needed to keep myself busy. So I did. I threw myself into anything that would keep me from succumbing to the darkness that played at the edges of my mind.

As successful as I was to put him out of my mind while I kept busy during the day, I would still wake up and fall asleep thinking of him; mostly using my avid imagination to put him in my bed next to me. At first many of my fantasies would involve variations of us being intimate, but over time they evolved to simply enjoying the view of seeing him sleep next to me.

And although the pain from his loss has subsided to some degree, I was still waiting for him. I know it was wrong and it wasn't like he was doing the same. But it wasn't like it was all that hard either. Not much to tempt a gay teenager in this small town. Hell, having met Jasper here was a-once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. Even Garrett had given up on this small backward town and gone is own way.

_Garrett. _

Now there's a topic I don't much like to think too deeply on. I haven't seen him since the night we both got wasted on champagne. We talked a few times and texted, but even in those minimal amounts of communication I could sense a change in our relationship and none of our conversations ever mentioned Jasper or my coming out again. Oddly enough, as school got closer he suddenly moved away to live with his aunt in Montreal. One day he was here, the next he was gone. Pretty much all our communication dried up shortly after.

Initially I was shocked he'd left and losing his friendship left a certain void in my life, but even more so it brought relief. The night of the party had left me with a lot of unconfirmed suspicions and to tell you the truth I preferred to be kept in the dark. At first I'd thought I'd dreamt some of what had happened, but instead of the dream becoming more fuzzy and forgotten, some memories began to firm up and details popped up; sometimes at the most inopportune times. Still, without any confirmation I choose to bury my head and pretend it still could have all been a dream. In any case, if it wasn't as if there was much I could do about it now. Or at least, it was easier and less embarrassing than examining what could very well have been a dream anyway. Better to forget and move on I say.

"Edward? Don't tell me you fucking spaced out again. What is the matter with you bro?"

My brother was sounding exasperated and I couldn't blame him. Indeed I had 'spaced out' as he'd so subtly pointed out. We were talking on the phone as I lay in bed. Even after I'd moved out from Mom and Dad's I'd kept up my promise to keep in contact on a regular basis.

"Sorry Em. I'm a bit tired tonight. What were you saying?"

"I was telling you that things are finally looking up with Rosie. She accepted a date with me for this weekend." Emmett's voice sounded joyous as he shared his news. It appeared his persistence was finally paying off.

When Jasper and Rosalie had moved to Toronto, Rosalie had finally become truthful about Jasper being her brother to those they worked with. And while I was happy for Jasper to be out from under the weight of hiding who he was, I was equally jealous that he was now free to pursue or be pursued by the sizable gay population in such a huge metropolitan area.

"That's great Emmett. It was probably good in some ways that she'd turned you down so many times before; it gave you the opportunity to build up her trust and friendship. She probably needs that before she can open up in a romantic way."

"Huh. I never thought about it that way. I just felt she was worth the hassle," Emmett admitted.

I couldn't help the snort that escaped with his tactless comment. _Hassle. My brother is a good guy, but sometimes he can be a fucking idiot._

"So any boy catch your eye bro?" Emmett asked, his tone sounding a little tentative.

Even though I'd originally declared to Emmett that I was in love with Jasper, I had quickly distanced myself from the proclamation in any further conversations with him by claiming it was an exaggeration and my feelings hadn't been more than a crush. The last thing I wanted was him reporting to Rosalie about how I was still mooning over her brother.

"No, no one worth a second glance around this hick town," I said with dismissal, hoping to shut down this topic of conversation as quick as possible. There was only one person who'd ever caught my eye and while he wasn't at the level of Jasper, he was even more unavailable. I shook my head to get rid of the brown eyes that suddenly invaded my thoughts. This time it _was_ a harmless crush, more like a slight case of hero worship, and it was a lot easier to ignore than the intense reaction I had when I was in Jasper's company.

"Well, Jasper still asks about you," Emmett offered up this tidbit almost every time we talked. I wasn't sure what he expected me to say in response. The idea that Jasper was still thinking about me left me excited and tingly and… a little bit hurt.

Suddenly it was difficult to breathe.

_Was he merely curious as a friend? Or, was he fishing for information because he was still interested?_

"Huh," I tried to play it cool and worked to calm my nerves. Every time Emmett has mentioned Jasper I've refused to ask him any details. As much as I wanted to hear anything and everything there was about Jasper, I was sure there were details I didn't want to hear. Details that would cause me to question the sanity of the choices I'd made.

"So where are you taking Rosalie?"

My goal to distract Emmett from talking any further about Jasper was easily accomplished and he immediately launched into details about his favorite topic.

Once he'd told me way more than I wanted to know about the Ice Princess, Emmett changed the subject once again. It was a bit of relief to me, as it felt as if our conversation was wrapping up.

"How is Dr. Tremblay? He treating you right?"

Emmett knew Peter but he hadn't had much professional interaction with him.

"He's a great boss. I'm learning a lot from him," I responded without delay. No need to think about how to answer that question. _Yeah I kind of idolized the guy._

"Good, good. Are you still determined to stick around Forks for the summer or are ready for the Big Leagues yet?" Emmett inquired with a teasing tone.

Although I'd been wavering in my decision to stay I was reluctant to share my indecision with my brother. He would push for me to move and further complicate the arguments running through my head. I needed to make this decision on my own.

"Big Leagues," I scoffed. "Forks might be only a step above amateurs, but Woodbine is still only belongs in the Minors," I joked. In reality Woodbine was recognized internationally, but it was a constant source of banter for us to diss each other's track.

"Ho ho ho. Is that jealousy I hear in your voice bro? Aren't you starting to feel a little insignificant working with such paltry operations? The horses you see are broken down hacks compared with the world-class thoroughbreds I take care of."

"Whatever Em. You the man," I taunted.

"Have you talked to Mom or Dad?" He'd changed the topic of conversation too quickly for me to prepare for any mention of our parents.

At least he'd had the consideration to sound regretful.

"No," I answered, my voice firm. I didn't want to get into _this_ discussion again.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened? I mean if there is anyone out there on your side it's me. Who else would understand what they're like?"

He was right. There was no one. Maybe a therapist in ten years. I hated thinking about _that_ day. I was far from ready to discuss it now and I didn't think I'd ever tell Emmett.

"I don't want to talk about it," I tried to make it clear this was not open for discussion.

There was silence from his end of the call and then I heard a sigh.

"Edward, you're more important to me than anyone else. It kills me to have no idea who I should be angry with. I mean I _know_ I should be angry with them and I am, but I don't know who out of the two of them is more to blame. I don't know the details of what went down."

As I recalled the incident that led me to moving out I couldn't bring myself to vocalize what went down. Besides I wasn't even sure what happened, or who was more at fault. I was probably blowing the whole situation out of proportion, but talking about it, uh-uh, that would make it all too real.

The incident in question happened one night close to Christmas when I had returned home from studying at Bella's and my mother's unhinged voice floated out across the yard as she berated my father. I had swiftly detoured away from the front door and had instead chosen to eavesdrop outside the kitchen window. As I had gotten closer I heard the sounds of a scuffle.

"_Edward HIT me, go ahead and HIT me! Just fucking do it! Are you a pussy? Can't you take a woman? I'm in your face and I'm telling you to HIT ME." _

_The sound of a slap pierces through my soul. I can't tell what's happening, but whatever it is, it's uglier than I'd ever imagined. I should leave or let them know I'm here but I'm frozen to the spot under the window. I can't move away from the nightmare, but I'm unsure if I should intervene or run._

"_Fuck Liz. You have lost it this time. You belong in a loony bin." _

_Another crack of a palm against skin and I flinch in response. My heart is racing and I feel sick to my stomach. The scuffling sounds grow louder and I hear a grunt from one of them. I'm picturing my father restraining my mother as she tries to get away and attack him, but since I can't see what's happening I have no idea if I'm right._

_But who is hitting who? With the way my mom is taunting my dad; I'm confused as to what is actually happening inside._

"_Oh you think you know so fucking much. We'll let me tell you – You. Don't. Know. Shit," my mother spit out._

"_I know a lot more than you Liz. You've got a few screws loose, and you weren't smart to begin with." The tone in my dad's voice sends a chill down my spine._

"_You have a fat head asshole. If you're so smart, why are you stuck in this shithole with me.? Why haven't gone and married one of those whores you've been fucking?"_

"_Oh, like you know what I've been up to. Y__ou're crazy Liz. I'm outta here. Go get your own fucking meds." I can hear what is probably my dad pushing my mom away. Then I hear his voice receding as he yells out one last remark. "Go ahead, kill yourself. I don't fucking care anymore."_

_I'm shaking as I scramble to get away before my dad's leaves the house. I'm almost in a panic because I don't want to see him right now. I don't want them to know I've heard their fight. I don't want to get involved. _

_I know the right thing to do would be to go inside and make sure my mom's alright but instead I hop into my car and peel away._

_Only one thing is clear to me now. I've had enough. _

_I don't want to live here anymore._

"Okay, I understand you don't want to talk about it. But at least tell me if it was about you being gay."

"No," I sighed. "It had absolutely nothing to do with that. As far as I know, neither of them are aware of it." Despite the fact that it's only four in the afternoon I'm exhausted. "I gotta go Emmett. I'll talk to you on the weekend."

"Take care buddy," Emmett remarks as we terminate our call.

The feelings invoked from a simple telephone conversation with my brother leaves me reeling and I wasn't sure if I wanted to bury my head under my blankets and sleep or get up and go to the gym and hit the heavy bag.

Still undecided about what to do with myself, I stared at the phone in my hand wondering if there wasn't someone I could call. It was stupid for me to feel so ashamed of my family's situation; it wasn't as if my dad was actually beating my mom. And as far as I knew my mom hasn't killed herself.

_So why couldn't I bring myself to tell anyone?_

_*****iwtfy****_

Thanks for reading!

F.Y.I. (If this were a real novel I'd include this info within the text) In Ontario teenagers 16 yrs and older can live separate from their parents by their own decision. They don't need parental consent or court involvement. Unlike in the United States, Social Services will not involve themselves with a 16 year old who lives independently and hasn't had any police involvement. In Ontario there is no such thing as legal emancipation. There is variation between the provinces on this rule.


	32. Chapter 32

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will (not quite there yet) have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

_*****iwtfy*****_

My heart started pounding and my mouth dried up the instant I'd seen his number pop up on my phone.

Jasper never called me.

"Hey E," Jasper's voice rasped into my ear. He wasn't calling me 'sugar' but hearing him call me "E" was wonderful in its own way and it was probably better that he stuck to something that could at least pass as sincere.

"Hey Jay, what's up?" I grimaced at the way my voice sounded unnaturally cheerful.

_Why was he calling? Why now?_

Jasper had moved to Toronto last summer and hadn't contacted me once. His complete lack of communication hadn't come unexpectedly and I didn't hold it against him.

For awhile after he'd left I would pick up my phone and run my finger over his name in my call list while contemplating what excuse or reason I could come up with to make contact.

In the end I never called either.

"Not much. Are ya at home? Ya busy?" he asked.

_Am I busy? I guess he didn't realize I'd drop just about anything to hear his voice again._

I searched the top of my duvet for the remote so I could turn down the volume on the game and focus my entire attention on this conversation. When my hand finally touched the cool plastic I practically threw it across the room.

_Spastic much Edward? Calm down, he's not here in the room with you._ I felt myself blush and was thankful he couldn't witness my idiotic behavior.

"Yeah I'm at home…well, not _my_ home, but where I'm staying now." I cleared my throat nervously. He obviously talked to Emmett on occasion, but I didn't know how much information my brother might have shared.

"_Where you're staying now_?"

From the confusion in his tone I knew he hadn't known.

"I uh, I moved out of my parent's house. Things weren't… well I uh… they weren't going well and I couldn't stay there anymore."

_Fucking smooth Edward._

"Wow. I had no idea. I wish you woulda called me," Jasper replied.

_Really?_ Somehow I couldn't quite believe his sentiment was truly genuine. He never called - why would I?

"So where ya livin'?"

"I moved in with Carlisle and Esme. They had an extra room in their basement. I'm staying with them until I leave for school in the fall."

I wanted to say something nice about them, but at the moment I couldn't quite find the right words.

"Oh, that's good. They're decent people and Carlisle was like family, right? He was definitely protective of you." His last comment was lowered enough that I wasn't sure I was even supposed to hear it.

"Yeah."

Silence pervaded our conversation as I tried to work out the reason for his call.

_Just ask him._

Jasper broke the quiet first. "What forced ya to move out? Did your father react like you'd expected?"

"No. It wasn't about me." That was Emmett's first reaction too."I left because my parents weren't getting along and the tension in the house was unbearable." _Close enough._

"I'm sorry kid." _Kid?_ My stomach dropped. _Fuck._ Jasper continued on not realizing what an impact that small word had on me. "Sooo… he doesn't know then? You're still not _out_?"

It was funny; if Garrett had asked that same question it would have sounded completely different. Where Garrett would sound accusatory, Jasper merely sounded curious. Like whatever my answer may be, he wasn't judging me.

"Not with my folks. I doubt I'll ever be." _Wait, that makes it sound like I'll always be in the closet._ "I mean, I don't have much of a relationship with them." I quickly clarified. "I haven't spoken to either of them since Christmas." _And what a Christmas it was._

"It sounds like you've had a rough winter. I'm glad ya have someone like Carlisle to count on," Jasper commented.

"Yeah." I paused as I considered how much to tell him. _Did he even want to hear it? Why did he call in the first place?_

"I opened up to Carlisle and Esme back in August," I spilled out in a rush. _Should I explain more?_ I took a deep breath and chuckled in embarrassment. "They weren't surprised at all. In fact, Esme took me out for what she called a 'celebratory lunch' and it was kind of uncomfortable how she and Sue fawned over me."

"See. You have to trust your gut. You always said that they'd be understandin' and you were right. How did it feel to let people know the real you?" Jasper asked.

"The _real _me? I've never felt I wasn't being the _real _me." I was a little irritated to hear Jasper make a comment that sounded like something Garrett would have spouted. "I'm a private person. If I were straight would I have announced that to the world earlier?"

"Sorry E. I didn't mean it in a bad way. I was probably projectin'. I'm not a naturally quiet person. I hadn't ever been in the closet. From day one I was open about my sexuality. If I was straight I'm sure I woulda been one of those guys the teachers had to warn in the hallways to lower the pda with whatever girl I was into at the time. So my time in Forks, pretending to be somethin' I'm not, well it felt like no one there knew the _real _me. Being here in Toronto and no longer hidin' who I am, it was a relief, like I'd re-emerged as myself again.

"I hafta remember you're a different story, and certainly not in a bad way. You know what they say suga…it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for in the bedroom," he drawled out in a sexy voice.

My insides twisted at his words and my dick instantly moved from half erect to steel. His use of 'sugar' confused me. _Is he flirting with me?_ I resisted the urge to rub myself and concentrated on where this conversation was going.

_Why **did** he call?_ I wanted to ask so badly, but at the same time I didn't want to ask anything that would bring this phone call to an end.

"So I also told Peter…oh uh, Dr. Tremblay I was gay before I accepted the job with him."

I remembered a second too late that Jasper wasn't a fan of Peter's.

"Yeah, I heard you were workin' for him," Jasper grumbled. _What was his problem with Peter anyway?_ "It was actually why I called. Emmett mentioned that you were workin' for him yesterday and I wanted to make sure he was treatin' ya right."

_Was he worried about me?_ It was nice to hear he was thinking of me, but at the same time how much does he really care if he didn't call me for the past seven months?

_You didn't call either._

"The best." I don't know what Jasper's beef was, but I didn't have a single complaint about my boss and I felt the need to defend him. "He had no problem with my sexuality and he's an all-around great guy. I love working for him and he's teaching me tons."

"I hope he's only teaching you veterinary work," Jasper remarked. His tone was confusing.

_What the hell was he implying?_

"Uh yeah? What else would he be teaching?"

Jasper sighed. "I don't know. The guy gave me a bad vibe. My Spidey senses were tingling."

"Your _Spidey_ senses? You have Spidey senses?" I laughed.

"Well," he chuckled. "You know, that tingling ya feel when someone isn't showin' ya their whole person. Maybe that their hidin' somethin'," Jasper explained.

_He thought Peter was hiding something? Who isn't hiding something?_

"So did you get that Spidey tingling around me when you met me? You know, because I wasn't proclaiming I was gay from the rooftops?"

"Okay, I'm not explainin' it right. I meant hidin' somethin' bad," Jasper clarified in an exasperated voice.

"Some people would say being homosexual is _bad_, perverse, _wicked_. Do you think they got Spidey tingling around me? Or does it only affect someone whose sense of conscience realizes what they're doing constitutes something _bad_? In that case, maybe Dr. Tremblay feels unwarranted guilt over something and he's hiding what that is. That is, if your Spidey senses are even accurate to begin with," I teased.

"Ya always gotta get fucking smart E. Ya know what I meant all along. I don't like Dr. Tremblay. Period. There is somethin' off about that man and I don't trust him. End of discussion." He paused and I could hear a deep pull of breath before he finished. "Watch out for yourself….I worry about ya," he admitted.

My heart fluttered at his admission and I curled up on my bed with a smile.

"You still care about me," I commented. "Thanks Jay."

"Of course I care E. I never stopped."

_And he just reels me back in. _

_Except it wasn't like I wasn't waiting for him anyway._

"Do we even need to talk about your brother and Rose? Is it cool with you?" Jasper asked.

"Why wouldn't it be?" I questioned.

"I don't know. I kinda remember you sayin' Emmett was a bit of a ladies' man. I like him, but you'd tell me if he was playin' her, right?"

_Awww. The protective brother._ I could feel myself swooning. _What a girl I could sometimes be._

"No, he's definitely not playing her. In fact, she has all the power. Don't tell her that though." _Shit. Emmett would kill me._

"I would never. It would all go to her head and she's enough of a bitch as it is – I can say that, she's my sis. Gotta go E. We should do this again sometime."

"Absolutely Jay." _Eager much?_ "Call me anytime."

*****iwtfy****

"No honey. We're having a quick lunch then we have a list of farms to visit this afternoon."

Peter rolled his eyes at me and I could hear a screech from the other end. It was unusual to hear a raised voice between Peter and his wife; usually they were sickeningly sweet to each other on the phone. I took a quick sip of my pop and pretended I wasn't really listening. The restaurant was busy and I focused my eyes on a table of kids who were shooting straws at each other.

"Yeah I can stop on the way home."

He listened for a second then sighed more deeply. My ears perked up even if I continued to display disinterest.

"Does she have to stay_ that_ long?"

_She? Who was staying? And how long? Are we saying – a few hours, days, weeks? Yeah, I'm a nosey son-of-a-bitch._

"Okay. Okay. Yeah," Peter responded with a resigned tone.

"Talk to you later," he mumbled as he disconnected with a punch of his finger that probably was a little harder than necessary.

I watched him without turning my head as he rested for a minute with his head drooped down and his hands in his hair. I'd never heard Peter curse but that's what it sounded like was being muttered under his breath. He looked so beaten that I had the urge to lean closer and run my hand down his neck in a gesture of comfort.

_Yeah, like that wouldn't be inappropriate. And I imagine, very unwelcome._

Lately I'd been finding myself fantasizing about touching Peter and it was starting to disturb me. He was a married, straight man _and_ my boss.

_Why must I keep putting myself through this?_

It actually surprised me that I was still reacting this way. After all, I had quite the hand session last night only minutes after I'd hung up with Jasper, spilling myself after a rigorous pumping. And again in record time this morning as I was in the shower - I pictured myself running my fingers through curly, blonde hair as he sucked me off. I'd thought my renewed fantasies with Jasper would have removed any interest I had in Peter.

_I guess I have to chalk it up to being a teenage boy._

My conversation with Jasper about his Spidey senses flitted through my thoughts but I quickly extinguished it. I had someone else in front of me who appeared to need an ear. I turned back toward my lunch and picked up my burger; anything to keep my hands busy.

"You're having a guest soon?" I asked as casually as possible between bites. Talking was definitely more appropriate than what I really felt like doing.

Peter lifted his head a little and his brown soulful eyes studied mine. My pulse picked up a little and it felt like we were the only two people in the room.

_Was he calculating how much to share?_

"Fuck." There was the swearing again. "Sorry Edward. Uh. Yeah. Charlotte just informed me that my sister-in-law Kim will be arriving this afternoon for an extended visit."

I tried to hide my smile as I chewed what I had in mouth. It was an inappropriate response but I couldn't help it. For the first time Peter was revealing something personal. We'd always had plenty to talk about without him ever mentioning Charlotte and he'd always been surprisingly closed mouth about his home life. I was desperate to keep him talking.

"It seems kind of inconsiderate to drop in so suddenly without warning," I offered my opinion.

I was practically giddy when he decided to continue the conversation.

"It probably wasn't without warning – that would be Charlotte's fault. She likes to keep me in the dark about her sister's visits. In some ways I don't blame her, we would have argued about it right up until she arrived, and Charlotte wouldn't have changed her mind, and Kim would still be coming. At least this way we had some peace for the days leading up to it."

_Why wouldn't his opinion matter? How could he let Charlotte walk all over him?_

"So why don't you want your sister-in-law to visit?" _Was she a free-loader? A bitch?_

"It's not that I don't want Kim to visit; she's actually quite nice. It's just that when she does, Charlotte acts…different." He paused and I silently urged him to continue. While Peter had always treated me as an equal, I often wondered if my being gay made him the slightest bit uncomfortable and _that_ was the reason he never talked about himself or his married life.

Before I'd accepted Peter's job offer I'd informed him of my sexual orientation. It wouldn't have been fair to keep it from him. If it were to come out that I'm gay while I was working for him he could very well lose some business. He'd taken my confession without any negativity, and without mulling over the possible repercussions he'd thanked me for sharing that with him but in no uncertain terms he then informed me that it would have no bearing on whether I could do the job. Neither of us had ever mentioned my sexual orientation again.

"She loves her sister, but she reacts competitively with her. Suddenly our house isn't big enough, I don't make enough money, I don't treat her good enough. Then there's the clubbing. Kim and Charlotte do a lot of dancing and drinking whenever they get together. It makes for a tedious and stressful time between us."

"That doesn't sound too fair," I offered.

"No," Peter laughed shakily. Then he said something that started my stomach somersaulting. "Maybe I should crash with you at Carlisle's while she's in town."

_He's totally joking, right?_ I wished it could be true. The guy looked miserable.

I kept my voice light trying to swallow the catch in my throat. "Well, Esme is always looking for someone else to take care of and she's an awesome cook." I gallantly pretended that this new banter didn't have me in knots of anticipation.

"Hmmph. As tempting as that is, Charlotte would divorce me if I didn't stay at her beck-and-call when Kim was in town. I guess I'll have to put in as many work hours as possible and keep you as my back-up if I ever want to escape."

"Sure," I answered with a lop-sided grin, one I knew had worked wonders on Jasper. Why I thought it would help me win over Peter I have no idea.

_Win him over? What the fuck do you think is going on Edward? The guy is straight – he's joking around a little to ease some of his stress._

It suddenly occurred to me that I might have chosen Peter to crush on because I knew nothing would happen and then I wouldn't be betraying Jasper.

_Betraying Jasper? He doesn't want you. What the fuck are you waiting for?_

"If you ever need an escape remember I have a flat screen with all sports access on satellite and an x-box with a shit-load of games. And of course you'd have the pleasure of my company. Nothing can beat that." I smirked to show him I was only kidding.

_Kind of._

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	33. Chapter 33

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

The characters in this story belong to S. Meyer. I'm happy that she lets us play with them.

Thanks to all those still reading!

_*****iwtfy*****_

To my disappointment, and contradictorily – my relief, Peter never came by to escape Charlotte. His sister-in-law Kim stayed with them for about three weeks and while he didn't confide in me again I could see him suffering. It probably bothered me more than it should, but I couldn't quite shake the feeling that his marriage didn't make him happy. Peter was an awesome guy who bent over backwards to please his wife, I couldn't understand what could motivate Charlotte to treat him so thoughtlessly.

Spring was starting to peek through the winter clouds and more often than not we had cold rain instead of snow. To my embarrassment Carlisle and Esme were waiting for me one day after school.

As soon as I'd shrugged off my raincoat I heard Carlisle call me into their dining room.

"Sit down Edward, Esme and I have something we wanted to discuss with you." His voice was low and non-threatening, but I could see he was slightly nervous as evidenced by the way he plucked at the tablecloth.

_Shit. What is this going to be about? Did I do something wrong? _I quickly racked my brain to think of what I might have done but came up blank. They hadn't given me a curfew, I was quiet and as unobtrusive as possible, and I'd been getting good grades. Not that my grades were in any way, any of their business.

"Would you like something to drink?" Esme asked as she placed a plate of freshly baked cookies on the table.

"No thanks," I automatically responded. My mouth was starting to water from the amazing aroma wafting toward me from the cookies. They appeared to be oatmeal-chocolate-chip, my favorite. "What is it you wanted to talk to me about?" _Let's get this show on the road._

"Actually," Esme started as she sat down to join us, "we wanted to ask you how everything was going with _you_."

I shrugged. _What the hell kind of question is that?_

Carlisle cut in, presumably to clarify his wife's question since the look on my face probably reflected my confusion. "What Esme was trying to ask was – how are you finding living with us? Are you comfortable?"

"Fine," I responded as neutrally as possible. _How could I not? _They had a beautiful, comfortable home; I had a nice room, and most importantly, privacy.

"Have you spoken to your parents lately?" Carlisle asked.

"No." _Is this about my parents? Are they hoping I can move back home?_

I suddenly felt sick to my stomach as I thought about moving back with _them_.

"Okaaay," Carlisle drew out, obviously he's been hoping for a different answer. "So there's no chance you might work it out with them anytime soon?"

"No," I responded again, this time as flatly as possible. If they wanted me to leave I'd go, I certainly didn't want to be somewhere I wasn't wanted. I had no idea _where_ I'd go, but if I had to deal I would. I took a quick tally of how much money I still had in my savings account. _Not enough._ "I have other options if I've overstayed my welcome." It was a lie, but I wanted to make this as easy on them as possible. "Really, you've been too kind as it is, I should really be moving on."

"No!" Esme practically shouted and I nearly fell off my chair from the shock.

I watched as Esme shot Carlisle a warning look of some kind.

"We don't want you to move out Edward," Carlisle reassured me, but it actually left me more confused than ever.

"You don't?" I asked. I wished they would get to the point; their nervousness was quickly making this situation unbearable.

"Look, we don't want to overstep your parents, but we want you to consider this your home. At least for as long as you feel you can't have that with your parents," Carlisle explained.

Esme interrupted. "Even _if_ you ever move back with your parents, we want you to think of this as your second home, or home-away-from-home. We consider you family, and it would mean a lot to us if you would let us take care of you. We see how you move around here trying not to disturb our lifestyle, but we want that… disturbance. We want to see you at dinner time on occasion, or," she smiled "because we know that isn't what a teenager would probably want – to eat with a couple of old folks, to at least see that you're eating the food we have in the cupboards. What we don't want is you treating this home like you're here only as a guest or even worse a boarder. It hurts us when you do that."

"I think you have a few more years before I'd start calling you old. And folks? Who even speaks that way?" I responded as I avoided what they'd been asking. I needed to consider what they were expecting of me. _They want me around? _It seemed a little incomprehensible. Yet, they seemed genuine and they were waiting for a response. I found myself nodding to them in agreement.

My nod wasn't enough apparently and it seemed as if Esme wanted proof of my intentions. She pushed the plate of cookies toward me and then gave me a pointed look.

Hesitantly, I reached a hand out to pick up what I'd been dying to eat all along. It still felt wrong. Like I was taking handouts or something, but they were staring at me so expectantly.

_This is ridiculous. It's a cookie Edward, not a contract._

I shoved the cookie in my mouth and it practically melted on impact. I wanted to groan at the goodness bursting across my tongue, but when it came time to swallow I had to force it down. I guess I wasn't quite ready to fully enjoy them.

As I took my second bite, and Esme sat beaming at me, Carlisle spoke once again. "We uh, we had more to talk to you about. It's about the holidays. Easter is rapidly approaching and we usually don't do much, but we'd really like to make it a family occasion. We'd like you have dinner with us and we wondered if you wanted to invite Emmett down too."

Carlisle looked uncomfortable with his last statement and before I could open my mouth to respond he was rushing to put more of an argument forth.

"It's not that we're trying to replace your parents, we understand if you want to spend the holidays with them. We only want you to have dinner with us if you don't have dinner plans with them." He raised his hand up to stop me from responding. "And don't think you're putting us out; ever since Esme's sister moved to Alberta we've had only quiet holidays with no one to share them with. It would make _us_ happy if you considered it."

I didn't know what to say. My initial response was a definite 'no', but I could see Esme was really behind what Carlisle was asking and they both had always been so nice. _Did they really mean it when they said it would make them happy? _I couldn't understand how my presence could do that, but I had to take them for their word. They weren't exactly the type to have a hidden agenda.

"I'll ask Emmett."

It was the best I could give them.

My head started to hurt as I could see Esme barely conceal her excitement.

"We have one more thing to talk to you about," Carlisle added. "And this one is not open for discussion."

I swallowed the piece of cookie I had unknowingly started to munch on.

"Are you still planning to go to University in the fall?" Esme asked.

I nodded, unsure of where this conversation was headed. "I should be hearing in the next month or so where I've been accepted. U of T is my first choice." _My only choice. _I was desperate to make it to Toronto next year. If I didn't make it in to my first choice my plans surrounding Jasper would all be for not. _Since when did my future get all wrapped up around a man?_

"Are you planning to apply for student loans, or do your parents have some money set aside?" Carlisle asked.

It felt almost as if they were tag-teaming in their approach. Carlisle. Esme. Carlisle.

_Where was this inquiry going?_

"I'll be applying for student loans," I reluctantly admitted. "I have some money saved." Which was true, but it had been steadily dwindling as I'd been forced to buy all my own food and gas for the past few months.

"We'd like to help. We haven't enough liquidity to pay your tuition, most of our money is tied up in our horses and some real estate, but we'd like to help pay your living expenses, or if your student loans cover all of it, then we'd like to give you an allowance of sorts. So you wouldn't have to work while you went to school."

_What the fuck? Are they serious? They want to give me money? _

"I couldn't accept that." I seriously couldn't. "I've always planned to have a job. I'm used to it. I couldn't imagine not having one." This was the truth; I hadn't been without a part-time job since the summer before I entered high school.

"We only want to make this easier for you," Esme explained. "University is stressful enough; you shouldn't have to worry about a job at the same time."

"I'm not worried about the stress," I chuckled, only partially amused. I was also slightly offended. "I can handle school _and_ a job."

Esme wasn't about to be deterred. "But you shouldn't _have_ to. And, if you find you want to have a job anyway, we'll still keep sending you money, that way if you ever find it's getting to be too much, you have something to fall back on. Every young person should have some kind of net. We want to be that net for you."

Carlisle had to butt in with his own two cents. "And college is supposed to be the best time of your life, take the time to enjoy it Edward."

*****_iwtfy*****_

"There she is," Mike nudged me and tilted his head down the hall toward the curvy, strawberry blonde who was now heading our way. "I'm gonna do it this time."

Mike has been talking about asking Tanya out for years. Granted he'd been more vocal about his plans over the past few weeks, but I was still doubtful that he'd finally man-up. His last relationship with Jessica lasted about a year and the only reason they ended up a couple was because she did all the asking and basically ruled his ass. Mike was respectful enough to never mention his infatuation with Tanya during that time, but it was obvious his torch for her had never abated.

"Hey guys," Tanya greeted us as she sidled up to wait with us outside our algebra class. Mr. Griffin was late again and the classroom lights were still out even though class was scheduled to start in three minutes. We were all crossing our fingers that he wouldn't show up.

"Hey Tanya," I returned the greeting. We weren't more than acquaintances, she was a little too judgmental and vain for me to be friends with, but I could be pleasant for a few minutes with just about anyone.

I turned to see why Mike hadn't said anything and flinched when I saw his face was flushed and he looked like he was starting to sweat. _Shit_, the poor guy had it bad.

"So Mike, did you complete question 7 from last night's homework? I couldn't match my answer with the one in the back of the text," I asked him, hoping to distract him from his anxiety.

"Uh, yeah, Friday sounds good," Mike muttered, all the while never taking his eyes off Tanya's chest.

A laugh nearly burst out of me as I realized he hadn't heard my question. Tanya wasn't so tactful. When she noticed where his attention had been she backed away from him and gave him a dirty look.

"Shit!" Mike cursed when he'd realized what he'd said and what he'd been caught ogling. He turned and fled down the hall as if he were about to be attacked by zombies.

"What a loser!" Tanya said in a distasteful tone. "Did you see that perv staring at my breasts?"

She said it like she was offended that he could possibly be looking at her chest, when she probably wore push-up bras and had her top three buttons open for the sole purpose of attracting a guy's attention.

_You reap what you sow. _

Besides, I knew Tanya not-so-secretly loved any attention paid to her body. It wasn't out of modesty that she was currently jutting out her chest to indicate to me where he'd been staring.

_Like I didn't know where her breasts would be._

I felt bad for Mike. He was generally a nice all-around-guy, but his attempt at finesse with women always turned into disaster. And, even though Tanya had been entirely accurate about his eyes being pinned to her chest, I felt obligated to help the poor guy out.

"He hasn't been feeling well Tanya. He probably zoned out and wasn't looking at _anything_."

"It's like you're a defender of the underdogs," commented Afton, one of our Algebra classmates who must have witnessed the entire exchange.

"Yeah, first that queer Garrett and now the loser Mike," Tanya added, hearing what she thought was support from Afton, when in reality the guy was simply making an observation. "Why are you always hanging with the misfits Edward? You could do so much better than that."

She'd sidled up closer to me and the predatory look in her eye was making my stomach turn. I took a step back hoping to put some distance between us.

"I don't know what you mean Tanya, I happen to like the friends I have."

"What I mean, Edward, is that you could do so much better. You have the potential to be a part of the popular crowd," she answered in conciliatory tone. She then leaned in close to me overpowering my nasal passages with her noxious perfume, as her lips whispered directly into my ear. "You and I should go to the prom together. I'd rent a hotel room for after and we could have our own little after prom party. _Alone_."

I experienced a shudder of revulsion that might have mislead her into thinking she was giving me chills. It was then that her tongue darted out and she licked my ear.

_Ugh! I thought her perfume was disgusting, but that was the fucking kicker. _

I stumbled away from her, furiously wiping my ear and shook my head.

_That is sooo not going to happen! _

"Thanks for the offer Tanya, but I'm not going to prom. Not really my scene," I explained, trying to soften the blow and unsuccessfully wiping away the look of utter disgust on my face.

_That might have been more sincere if you didn't still have your hand on your ear like you'd been burned. _

I dropped my hand and straightened up.

Tanya wasn't used to be turned down. In fact, she wasn't usually the one making the move in the first place. The seething look that crossed Tanya's face was all the warning I had. She glanced around to see how many of our classmates had been paying attention and then smirked.

_Now that is a dangerous smile._ I had no doubt that Tanya could be cruel, but somehow I'd always stayed off her radar in the past.

"Oh I'm sorry Edward. I thought you and Garrett had broken up. Are you two in a long distance relationship? Or do you only swing _that_ way and I don't have the right equipment?"

I felt myself freeze. It took me a moment to analyze how I was feeling about my current situation.

I'd had to handle my share of jokes and ribbing over the years; having maintained a close friendship with an openly gay student through two school years had made me a target for gossip.

But, something was different this time.

I glanced over at Afton, who was one of a handful of students observing the showdown between Tanya and I. His expression showed an interest that looked to be only slightly engaged, and I knew deep down that anyone watching expected me to ignore her and avoid the confrontation. It was how I usually operated. I didn't like to lie, but I'd never admitted the truth. I wondered if any of them even knew what the truth was.

It was then I realized it wasn't the situation or the audience that was different.

It was me.

_I_ was different.

"Garrett and I were never more than friends." The bored looks and a few rolled eyes showed me that no one had any inkling of what I was about to do. "Although," I stretched the word, "we did share a kiss once." I tapped my finger to my mouth as I pretended to contemplate my next words, and I waited as everyone's attention shifted back to me. I could see the exact moment when what I'd said started to click with them and an interest started to spark. Now, I'm not one for garnering attention, but I had the momentum going, and it appeared I was done hiding.

"It didn't work out well because I could only think of him as a friend. My tastes run a little more… masculine than Garrett." Ignoring the sharp gasps around me I locked eyes with the girl who'd brought this situation to a head.

"So Tanya, in case that wasn't clear enough – no, I don't want to go to prom with you. I don't like you, and yes you have the wrong fucking equipment. I only swing _one_ way, and your breasts, big as are, just don't cut it for me, I much prefer cock."

It was at that moment that Mr. Griffin started to break through the mixed reaction of the crowd and unlocked the door. Some of my classmates had laughed at my words, others had gasped in surprise, and some were making sounds of disgust. But Mr. Griffin was distracted enough by whatever reason he was late and I could tell he hadn't a clue as to what I'd just declared.

Still, my ears had turned a bright pink and I wondered what had got into me. Admitting I was gay was one thing, but telling everyone I preferred cock? _What the hell happened to shy, quiet, unassuming Edward?_

I didn't bother to look at anyone as I entered the classroom, but I could feel the difference in the air, in me.

I wanted desperately to call Jasper.

Nothing could have surprised me more than the feeling of elation and pride that had swelled up in me as I took my seat in Algebra.

_And I'd convinced myself it wasn't important. _

I realized now that sharing my secret with those who are 'safe', such as family and friends who I already knew would accept me, is an entirely different story than sharing it with a mixed group of friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Not knowing what their reaction might be, how they may treat me in the future with this new information, or who they might share this information with, was all very scary, and now that it was over - somewhat liberating.

Surprisingly enough, most of the whispered comments about my unexpected revelation died down quite quickly as Mr. Griffin apologized once again for being late.

Mike slipped into class a few minutes later with a late slip. His eyes avoided looking toward Tanya's seat and he immediately opened his bag to remove his text and binder.

He leaned across the aisle. "What'd I miss?"

I barked out a quiet laugh as I considered what to tell him.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

Next chapter: **"How long you staying for? And please tell me you didn't drive all this way to visit this knucklehead?" He gestured to Jasper and my face flamed even more.**


	34. Chapter 34

Thanks to all those who continue to read and especially those who review!

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own and there is bound to be a lot of them!

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer, plot is all mine.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

"_So Tanya, in case that wasn't clear enough – no, I don't want to go to prom with you. I don't like you, and yes you have the wrong fucking equipment. I only swing one way, and your breasts, big as are, just don't cut it for me, I much prefer cock."_

_*****iwtfy*****_

"I don't think you have to worry."

I heard his words but they did little to stem the anxiety brewing inside me.

I had held off calling Jasper as I moved from class to class; my head racing and full of questions as to what was to come. As much as I wanted to share the moment with him, I had that annoying, little voice in the back of my head telling me that he wouldn't really care. That he'd only called the other day out of some sense of obligation. If I called him and his tone held the slightest bit of disinterest it would be a hard blow to my mood, and I'd been feeling so much better lately.

Anxious to share my experience with someone, and in spite of the fact that we weren't even friends anymore, I considered calling Garrett. Then I pictured his reaction to my news - how I found it invigorating to finally be _out_ amongst our peers. Uh, yeah, I must been having some sort of allergic reaction or something that caused a short-circuit in my brain. There was nothing more obnoxious than a Garrett who'd been proven right. That call was _so_ not going to happen.

Divulging the tale with Bella was out, since she was a student at the same school and already knew the whole story before I'd even gotten the chance to find her. News travels fast in the hallways of our school and it was interesting to see how little the story had changed by the time she heard it. Maybe gossip stays truer if it's interesting enough in the first place and then people don't feel the need to embellish it.

That left Emmett. While I had no doubt Emmett was supportive of me living my life any way I wanted, he'd also ruin the moment by over-analyzing how this information, I'd so blatantly confessed, could make my life difficult. Believe me – I could do that myself. In fact, just the idea of what Emmett might say had my thoughts spirally downward.

I had to consider how my being out would affect my life at work. _Who at school might say something to someone affiliated with the Track?_ No one at my high school worked at the Track, and there were few that had relatives who worked there either. Most track workers were transient, and followed the horses south in the winter, Louisville, Nashville, Jacksonville, (_did racing people only travel south to cities that end in 'ville'?_) so there was little chance they'd hear about it before the start of the racing season.

_Was I being paranoid? Would anyone even care enough to spread the gossip?_

I knew several guys from Emmett's class that were siblings with students who go to school with me. A few of them even came to the Races to bet and were acquainted with some of the workers. Connections were firming up in my mind and I couldn't see how I could stop the word from spreading. The freedom and elation I'd been experiencing was rapidly disappearing and I wondered why I hadn't thought this through. It was totally unlike me to do anything on the spur of the moment, now I knew why.

_What the fuck had I been thinking?_

That was why I'd decided to call Peter. And while I tried to tell myself it was because he was my employer and he might be affected from the news if it spread, I had a hard time keeping that as the main reason. It may be what my brain used as an excuse but really I just wanted to share this piece of my life with someone and he'd become important to me. I was hoping he felt a little of the same. I mean, I know he doesn't feel desire for me like I do him, but I hoped he at least cared.

I also felt an obligation to give him a heads-up and as much as I didn't want to do it – resign from my position as his assistant. What I couldn't quite wrap my head around was the fact that I _wanted_ to resign. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to _lose_ my job, but I wanted to go through the motions of resigning and have Peter fight for me to stay. Stupid, eh?

Why I wanted this drama wasn't clear to me.

Maybe I was pushing for more because Esme and Carlisle's generous offer gave me a taste of what it felt like to have someone in my corner and I was rapidly becoming a glutton for more demonstrations that people cared about me. If I'd had parents who'd shown concern for me I probably would have become a spoiled brat as a teenager. _Should I be thanking my parents for keeping me humble? _I shook my head to clear the strange path my brain was moving along.

Or, maybe I was looking for any excuse to run to Toronto as soon as I graduated.

"Edward!"

A hand reached out and touched my shoulder giving it a little nudge.

"What?" I muttered. I shook my head and glanced up to see Peter staring at me, worry etched into his features. _Shit. He's worried about how this will affect his clientele. I have to quit right away._

_It's odd. I want to move to Toronto and pursue Jasper, but I can't help but feel down about losing this job. Damn, I really do love this job. _I also knew I'd miss Peter.

"What's got your head working so hard? You should be proud of yourself, but you look a little overwrought instead."

_Proud? He thinks this was a good thing? Maybe he didn't understand the full implications of my coming out._

"I think I should quit… working for you I mean. The rumors will be flying when the season starts and you shouldn't have to deal with the repercussions. It could hurt your client base," I finished, no longer able to look up and meet his questioning eyes. I had wanted him to show he cared, but now that I'd jumped off the cliff and possibly quit, it felt like I was free falling and I might not emerge in one piece.

"Listen Edward, don't be stupid. You're not going to quit. You need to stop thinking this is the end of the world. While I agree a lot of those who work at the track might find the fact that you're gay a little disconcerting," we both snorted at his wording. _Disconcerting? _ "Only those who pay me are of any concern to me. I can assure you the fact that I'm the best vet at the track is going to weigh a lot more on their decision to keep using my services than the sexual orientation of my assistant. Think about it – most of those who would discriminate against you don't hold the purse strings. The majority of the trainers and owners aren't going to care if the high school student I hire is straight or gay. They have a livelihood riding on how well their horses are taken care of and I play a big part of that. Do you really think they are going to drop me and use Dr. Ridcoff?" Peter scoffed.

Dr. Ridcoff was about eighty and would squint painfully at the horses and the workers alike. It was a running joke that if you put a halter over your head he would treat you too. There were other vets at the track who were obviously better than Ridcoff, but I have to admit I found my lust spiking when Peter acted so self-assured.

I still hadn't answered, so Peter kicked my shin gently under the table to get my attention. My tips of my ears burned as I tried to pull my mind out of the gutter.

"Unless…" he continued and I looked up to see what he was going to say, "you're worried about having to deal with the derogatory remarks and negative attention. I can understand that. You're in high school and it can be scary to have adults acting in such a manner. It won't be a pleasant place to be at times. But Edward, if you decide to stay, and I hope you do because I've never had a better assistant – _including_ Charlotte, I can promise you I won't let anyone get away with treating you in any way that is disrespectful - at least when I'm around. Come on, you have to stay – I've been looking forward to having you around full-time this summer. Despite the age difference, I think we make a great team and I consider you a friend."

I looked into those brown eyes and I saw he did care. He wanted me to stay. Parts of me that had no right to be excited couldn't be suppressed and as I smiled at him in gratitude I knew I was blushing. There was something in the look he was giving me that sent goose bumps popping down my neck.

_I hope he can't tell what I'm really thinking. _

_He's a married man. A married man. _I chanted to myself.

_*****iwtfy*****_

"Hey E. I heard a rumor you were visiting, and fuck if it isn't true."

I was quickly enveloped in a hug, and my senses were overwhelmed with a smell that was distinctly Jasper.

With my heart racing I squeezed him firmly around the upper body, cataloging exactly how he felt in my arms. It felt as good or even better than I remembered and I had to be hyper vigilant to keep our lower bodies apart; I doubted he wanted to know exactly how _happy_ I was to be hugging him.

_I can't believe he's hugging me._

The reality was so much better than what I'd expected. Maybe my ultimate fantasy reunion would have been to have this go a step further and have Jasper declare how he couldn't wait any longer and how irresistible he found me. But, eh, it wasn't like I'd actually expected that.

The truth was I'd been concerned I wouldn't even get to see him, even though I'd made sure I arrived at a time when there was the maximum opportunity to run into him. The idea that I might have missed this chance to hold him made me squeeze him a little tighter. If he minded he didn't comment on it.

It was two weeks before Easter and I'd made the trip to Toronto to see Emmett. At least that was the reason I was going to use when questioned. Emmett had been dating Rosalie steadily for a month now and I was curious to see how they interacted. My brother had always been respectful of women, but he'd never given anyone special attention before. And Rosalie, well she'd never been anything but bitchy to me and I wanted to see that she wasn't leading my brother around by the ear. I didn't know what I'd do to stop it if it was happening, but I needed to know for myself just the same.

Even though I hadn't told anyone I'd be visiting, I had hoped, no prayed, that I'd run into Jasper too. Ever since he'd called and attempted to warn me off of Peter, we'd been talking on a semi regular basis once or twice a week. It felt like our friendship was solid again and I was giddy with the thought of being able to see him in person.

I had arrived at Woodbine's backstretch in the later part of the morning, but early enough that even the smallest of stables wouldn't yet be packed up and heading to lunch. I'd been a little nervous about the idea of visiting, but this seemed a positive sign that I'd made a good decision. Especially when Jasper turned out to be the first person I saw in the shed row and he was clearly happy to see me.

As we drew apart I bashfully dropped my face and shuffled my feet. I hadn't wanted the hug to end and I was afraid it would be written in my eyes. The constant buzz I felt whenever I was in his company hadn't dissipated with time apart and I both reveled and loathed the instant impact his presence had over me.

"It was about time you visited your favorite brother," Emmett interrupted as he slung an arm over my shoulder. He turned to Jasper. "He's been so busy with his school and work that I haven't had nearly as many visits as I deserve." He ended that statement with a nuggie to my head and messed up my already out of control hair.

"Get off me," I complained as I ducked out from under Emmett's arm and attempted to tame the mess he'd made. "What makes it my responsibility to do all the traveling? Shouldn't you be making the trip to Forks if you feel so deprived?"

I looked over at Jasper, my face flaming. It was bad enough he already thought of me as too young, I didn't need Emmett's ridiculous behavior to call even more attention to it.

"I would if I could bro, but you know I can hardly get a day off here." Emmett sounded genuinely guilty. "How long you staying for? And please tell me you didn't drive all this way to visit this knucklehead?" He gestured to Jasper and my face flamed even more.

_Why Emmett? Why do you always have to go and embarrass me?_

"I didn't even know he was going to visit," Jasper quickly made clear. The happy tone in Jasper's voice sent a wave of relief and exhilaration through me.

"No, I came to visit you Emmett." I punched his shoulder a little harder than needed. The guy knew better than to mess with the hair. "I haven't seen you since Christmas and I figured it was either I get off my butt and drive here myself, or I wouldn't see you until the Prince of Wales. You don't have the best record for taking time off work, and now that you finally have a bona fide girlfriend you'll have even less reason to visit," I explained.

"True. I will be spending inordinate amounts of time with Rosie, but I could still make a day trip to Forks." He tapped his finger to his chin as if he was deep in thought and I knew we were in for something crude. Emmett was _not_ a deep thinker. "Although, Rosie might not be too happy to miss out on her daily afternoon_ ride_… and it's not a horse she likes to ride if you get my drift."

With a look of disgust Jasper interrupted. "Please man. I'm not a prude by any means, but that's my _sister_ asshole."

"As I was saying," Emmett continued without even acknowledging Jasper. "It might be awhile before I make back to the sticks again. But why the surprise though dude? You should have called first. I had no idea you were coming. Did you drive?"

"It was a last minute decision. I had some papers I was working on and I wasn't sure if I'd get them completed early enough to make the trip." It seemed like I'd jinx it if I called ahead. "And yes I drove. I have a car, why wouldn't I use it?"

"I don't know. I thought maybe you carpooled with someone. No friends or maybe a _boyfriend_ who wanted to visit the big city?" Emmett raised an eyebrow in question and I knew he was only joking with me.

"Hey wait, I never thought about it before. Who is paying your car insurance?" Emmett questioned.

"I am," I answered slowly. "I've always paid for my insurance. It's still under dad's insurance plan, he had me as an occasional driver to reduce the cost, but I've always paid the semi-annual fee on my own," I explained. It was a constant worry that my dad might cut my vehicle off his plan, but to my relief the money continued to be deducted from my account.

"You shouldn't have to pay that, you're still in school." It seemed as if Emmett was about to offer to pay for it himself when another thought must have occurred to him. "I guess it's a moot point anyway, you'll have to give up your car when you move up here in the fall. It will be hard to pay for it without a job, and it would be more of a pain than a convenience. Your insurance rates would increase and parking costs ridiculous amounts in this city."

I shrugged, not wanting to get into a heated discussion in front of Jasper. And trust me, any discussion derived from monetary expenses always heated up when Emmett was involved.

While my brother had made a couple of valid points, I still didn't want to give up the independence of having my own transportation. Maybe this is where the money Carlisle and Esme had pledged to give me will come in handy. While I'd mentioned their offer to Jasper, I couldn't bring myself to tell Emmett about it. It might have something to do with the fact that growing up our dad had constantly drilled into us to never accept assistance from anyone outside the family. He said it was charity, no matter how it came wrapped and we needed to maintain our pride. I was worried Emmett might still carry some of those same views.

"Wait a minute, you're not movin' to Toronto until the fall? I thought the plan was to move here once you graduate?" Jasper asked.

My heart skipped a beat as I realized Jasper seemed upset about this news. Or maybe I was reading too much into it and he was only caught off guard. I hadn't intended to mention my summer plans until I had made a firm decision.

"I don't know yet. Peter… Dr. Tremblay has offered me a full-time position for the summer. I haven't fully decided what I'm going to do."

"What?" Emmett bellowed. "Why the hell wouldn't you? It's the perfect job for you! What's the rush to move to the big T.O. I know it's a great city and you probably want to be near your favorite brother and all, but it's only a few extra months. It seems like a no-brainer, even to me."

"Can we talk about this later," I begged Emmett. I really didn't want this discussion to take place in front of Jasper. "I'm hungry. Are you going to take me to lunch or what?"

Emmett scratched his head as if I was a conundrum. "I got a bit more work to get done before I can hit the feed trough. How 'bout I meet you by the tack shop in a forty-five minutes, an hour tops?"

"Sure, sounds good," I agreed, happy that the mention of food had distracted him from my summer plans.

"Great! I want to introduce you to Rosalie."

"Uh, Emmett, I've _met_ Rosalie before. Remember, I'm the one who told you her frickin' name."

"Nope. You haven't met my _girlfriend_ Rosalie. You met her when she couldn't give two farts who you were. This is different. We'll meet you at the tack shop. And Jasper," he pointed at Jay. "You're coming too right?"

Jasper nodded in concurrence and I wanted to jump up and down in excitement. Not wanting to make a fool of myself, I chose instead to confine the jumping for joy to its figurative state and merely smiled at Jasper with a barely concealed grin. There might have been a little bit of the thrill sneaking its way into my eyes, but I doubted he noticed.

We moved off the shed row in unison as Emmett got busy completing his morning duties.

"You done work for the morning?" I questioned Jasper.

_Please be done, please be done!_

"Uh yeah. I only help Rose for couple of hours in the morning. On Tuesday through Friday I head across the city to attend afternoon classes, but since today is Monday I can go to lunch, lucky for me," he grinned at me.

I swallowed down my shock at his declaration and tried not to read too much into his words, he probably meant them in a 'happy to see one of my only-friends-in-Canada' kind of way.

I could swear the tension between us ramped up as we casually strolled down the road toward the backstretch offices and cafeteria. He walked very close to me, sometimes close enough that his hand would bump the side of my thigh shooting sparks up and down my leg. I pretended not to notice.

"How's school goin' now that you broke all the girls' hearts and declared yourself their competition?"

"Broke hearts – not a chance. I think anyone with half a brain had already figured me out. All I did was confirm their suspicions. But, it's going well. I get the odd ignorant remark, but in most cases I think Garrett had already paved the way to a broader acceptance at that school."

"You go to a Catholic school no? How does that go over with the faculty?"

"It's actually a pretty good school for keeping away from discrimination or even preaching on the topic of sexual orientation. The teaching staff, with the exception of a few clergy, are forward thinking. We all know the Pope's stance on homosexuality, pre-marital sex, and birth control, but these are not subjects that the teachers push on us to accept as part of the Catholic lifestyle. They treat us like adults and give us all the information, letting us judge for ourselves what is right and wrong. Probably not the same response you'd get at a right-wing Christian school in the U.S., eh?"

Jasper snorted in agreement. "It's like that across the board here. That's why I stayed even though Rose was going to be fine without me. With the exception of the Forks' backstretch, this place is clearly more liberal than anyplace I'd lived in the South. I'm looking forward to June and attending my first Gay Pride Parade. Have ya been?"

"No. Garrett begged me to go last year, claiming that the whole festival could disappear before I came out of the closet due to the financial woes they've been experiencing, but I wasn't ready for it. I'm not a big party or festival kind of guy. Not sure what I'd get out of it," I admitted.

"Oh," Jasper said disappointedly and I it made me want to re-track my comment.

_Maybe he wanted me to go with him? Or, maybe he's disappointed I'm not more involved in the gay movement? _

"I don't see anything wrong with the festival," I quickly tried to explain. "But, it's just not…" I searched for a non-offensive way to explain myself.

"…not your type of scene?" Jasper completed my thought for me. As usual he was spot on and I shrugged my shoulders a little embarrassed that I was so transparent.

"That's okay E, you don't have to explain yourself to me. I was only hoping you might join me. But, that's okay, I've made some friends since moving here and I won't be alone."

"Friends eh?" I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but I wasn't sure I'd succeeded. "Any boyfriends since you've moved here?" _Shit. I hadn't planned to ask that. _I didn't want to hear his answer.

"No boyfriends. I'm staying away from relationships for the moment."

I wanted so much to ask him if he'd make an exception for me. Or, if "for the moment" meant until _I_ moved to Toronto.

_If that were true I'd tell Peter tomorrow that I wouldn't be available for the summer._

"So you're not spending time at the clubs?"

"Oh no, I'm at the clubs all the time. A guy's gotta let loose and have some time amongst like-minded individuals. But I'm not looking for a boyfriend," Jasper explained.

His explanation left a few gaps that I wanted filled.

_Let loose? Does he mean he's fucking around or simply dancing? Gah! _I wanted to pull at my hair in frustration.

Instead, we walked on in silence for a few minutes.

"So," he broke the silence first. "How have you been? Any romantic prospects for you?"

"Not currently, but maybe on the horizon." _You are the only prospect I'm considering._

Jasper scrunched up his face and I wondered what bothered him about what I'd said. _Was I that obvious and it bothered him that I was still interested? Did he still prefer to keep me as a friend and couldn't consider me as anything more? Was I always going to be too young?_

After we'd reached the offices we found a bench in the shade and we chatted about inconsequential stuff.

"You know if you want to smoke, I can move over a bit. The breeze here will blow the smoke away from us." I hated that he smoked, but I wasn't about to lecture him again.

Jasper reclined back and crossed his ankles. He bent his elbows and crossed his hands behind his neck. He looked the picture of relaxed and casual. I couldn't help but sneak a peek up and down his body, my eyes lingering over the crotch of his jeans and then over the form-fitted shirt showing off his sculpted torso. I thanked the gods that the weather had turned unseasonably warmer this week and he hadn't needed a jacket.

"No need E, I quit," he answered offhandedly.

"Quit?" my voice squeaked. "That's…awesome Jay! Why hadn't you told me?"

"I didn't want to hear your disappointment if I didn't stick with it. But, it's been six weeks, and I haven't slipped up yet. The hardest part is outside the clubs. I started off as a social smoker, you know, smoking only when I drank. It's a hard habit to overcome," he admitted.

"Still, that's great Jay. I'm so happy for you," _And me._ I couldn't resist touching him and I turned and squeezed his arm. It seemed as if everything was falling into place and I suddenly couldn't imagine spending the summer away from him. _How could I have thought staying in Forks for another summer was a good idea?_

"Thanks sugar," he drawled. "I did it for me, but your disproval was an added incentive to quit."

I reluctantly let go of his arm and settled back on the bench. His sexy drawl sent shivers down my spine and I forced myself to look away and calm my body's rapid response.

"I'm still moving to Toronto after graduating," I burst out, making the decision on the spot. "I just haven't told Emmett yet." _Or Peter. _"I uh, had been considering it since it was the perfect job for my resume, but I'm too impatient to move here and get my future started." _And our relationship. _

As I awaited his reaction I prayed I hadn't read the signals wrong. I hadn't planned to make this decision now, but I'd forgotten what a rush it was to be in his presence. The instant I saw him I was immediately wrapped up in him and unable to think about anything or anyone else. As much as I have tried to temper my dreams, I couldn't imagine a future without him in it.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	35. Chapter 35

******This is a short Jasper outtake. Please don't read it if you'd prefer to keep only to Edward's POV. I will post all the rest of the Jasper outtakes when the story is completed.*******

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_This outtake takes place on Valentine's Day, after Edward moves out of his parent's home and before Jasper calls him._

_*****iwtfy*****_

He picked out a simple card. It had the requisite red heart on the cover and Happy Valentine's Day greeting, but the inside was completely blank. He liked the whiteness of the inner pages and he knew he needed all that space for his letter - a letter to a lover he'd never experience. Oh he had someone specific in mind, but the fact that they'd never _be_ lovers was a fact he drilled into himself on an almost daily basis. It was an inner battle he'd come so close to losing. And if he had, lost that is, he might have gained the love of his life. But at what cost and for how long? When the day came that Edward realized what kind of man he was, well, he never wanted to see that look. It would gut him. He didn't think it was a situation he could ever recover from. No, it was better this way. Tennyson was only human, who's to say he was smart enough to know about love in all situations. No, he was definitely wrong in this particular case.

If he was honest with himself, the idea of becoming lovers was only a problem for him. He had a past he was ashamed of, and the idea that his lover would one day feel dirty for having been with him was all the incentive he needed to keep his course. Last summer he'd let Edward take the fall and make their breakup real, but it was an outcome that would have happened no matter what. He knew his boy still had hopes for a future together, but he also knew that a teenager's heart was fickle and he'd move on, most likely long before his own. That was why he'd stayed away for so long, never allowing a moment of weakness to morph into direct contact. He was too weak for that.

When he got home, pleased that he had the condo to himself, he sat down at the dining room table and penned the letter quickly, his hopes, his dreams, and his feelings for a non-existent future came pouring out like a faucet set on full spray. For the first time he confessed about his past. He clarified how his fears would have surely become realized if they'd become lovers while Edward was so young. He compared their ages with those of his first relationship and he explained how when he thought of James he felt dirty and could only feel disgust for the man. Not at all the way he'd felt as a teenager. It had taken years for the realization of what he'd been through to cultivate into a clear understanding. It had taken maturity. The idea that Edward would have one day felt the same for him was beyond painful. It was what made his conviction strong. He didn't want to be James. He didn't want to follow in the cycle.

Once the card was filled with his messy scrawl, Jasper sealed it in the red envelope and put it in a shoebox in his closet. He had no intention of actually giving it to Edward. It felt cathartic, yet depressing to have written out his justifications, but he had no intention of ever sharing them - at least not while Edward was still so young. He wanted Edward to have no regrets, to have a healthy relationship with someone closer to his age.

Maybe on some valentine's day in years to come he might retrieve the card out of the box and share it with Edward.

It was a small sliver of hope he usually never allowed himself to have.

Tired, he fell into bed for a nap.

Tomorrow, he'd make himself forget what'd he'd written.

Tomorrow, he would once again convince himself they didn't have a future together.

It was the only way.

_*****iwtfy*****_

So, I'm a little nervous…. Let me know your thoughts!

F.Y.I. Jasper will eventually explain a little more about his past and James. No, he wasn't abused, and in reality it is nothing like what's going on between him and Edward. But, he can't see that for himself at this point. Edward's going to try though. :)

Thanks for reading!


	36. Chapter 36

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Twilight and all it's characters belong to S. Meyer.

Sorry for the wait. I was going to post this chapter on the Tuesday following Family Day (President's Day for my friends across the border) but I took my girls downhill skiing on the holiday and my youngest had an accident with a tree. We are only starting to get into a routine that involves a hip spica cast and a wheelchair. I'll try to keep up the writing!

Thanks for all the kind reviews and words of encouragement! Jasper's POV was well received, but I'll probably be keeping the other outtakes I've written in his POV until the end. I think it's more fun this way. And I'd like to apologize for not having responded to the reviews yet. I read and appreciated each and every one! I promise I'll get back to you soon!

**Poor Edward is in for some whiplash this chapter!**

Long unimportant notes at the bottom. Ignoring them will bring you no harm!

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

"_I'm still moving to Toronto after graduating," I burst out, making the decision on the spot. "I just haven't told Emmett yet." Or Peter. "I uh, had been considering it since it was the perfect job for my resume, but I'm too impatient to move here and get my future started." And our relationship. _

_*****iwtfy*****_

"Really? You're givin' up your job workin' as a vet assistant to work where – Woodbine? As what – a hotwalker? Groom? Is that in fact a good idea? For your career I mean. What's another few months?" Jasper asked me. His comments so rapid fire I didn't have time to interject.

My stomach dropped. All I could hear was the way he was trying to discourage me. He didn't want me here. If the roles were reversed I'd be begging him to move here the day after graduation. And after how cautionary he'd been with regards to Peter, now he was encouraging me to keep working for the guy? Has he realized he had nothing to worry about with Peter, or did he not want me moving here?

"It won't have any effect on whether or not I get into a veterinary school. I'll have already worked for Peter for the better part of a year. I've got the experience to put on my resume, that's what's important. I feel like I don't belong at Forks anymore. I need this move," I explained. I wanted to tell him the decision was made as soon as I saw him and that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do to be close to him again. But, I couldn't bring myself to say it. The fear of rejection was still too strong and I was still waiting for him to give me a clear signal that he wanted _us _too.

"As long as you're makin' an intelligent, well-thought-out decision. I can't say I'm displeased you'll be in the same city again," Jasper concluded.

_Well that was a little less enthusiastic than I'd hoped. _His detached demeanor never wavered and I was still in the dark as to whether he really cared or not.

_He __**said**__ he never stopped caring. Why is it he seems so much more open on the phone? _

I tried to muster up the courage to angle for the answer to the question that was currently burning a hole in my stomach.

_Ask him. Ask him if he'd consider picking up where we'd left off. _

I shifted closer to him on the bench and let my hand rest next to his thigh, barely touching.

_Did he feel my hand there? _

"So how's it really going with Emmett and Rosalie? Is their relationship running as smooth as my brother likes to imply?" Imply might have been an understatement. Emmett doesn't give hints or use subtlety. I believe he used the corny phrase "match made in heaven" to describe his relationship when we talked on the phone last week.

"They appear to be well suited for one another. Emmett is a huge improvement over Royce. Well I guess just about anyone would be an improvement over that overblown, elitist, piece of turd."

He hadn't moved away from my hand and I wondered what he'd do if I moved my hand directly to his thigh. I hadn't yet struck up the courage for such a bold move and instead barely moved my pinkie against his jeans.

"Wow, that bad?" I commented in a distracted manner. Jasper had kind of touched on the subject of her ex before, but this time it appeared he was ready to share a little more info. I knew this was an important topic but each stroke of my pinkie was making it difficult to maintain my end of the conversation.

"Let's just say that my sister _loved_ Florida, but she gave it up in a heartbeat to avoid running into her ex again. She has a restraining order against the guy and she files one every time she moves so that she's covered if he shows up and she needs the local police to step in."

It felt as though our conversation was in a different dimension than the one my brain and body were currently occupying. All I could concentrate on was how good Jasper's lips looked and how much I wanted to kiss him. I had to replay in my head what he'd said to come up with a suitable response.

"Serious stuff," I acknowledged. Emmett was actually a perfect fit for Rosalie. If there was one thing my brother excelled in it was being protective. There is no way her ex would ever get the chance to lay a hand on her if Emmett was anywhere in the vicinity. And from what I could discern from my conversations with my brother they were glued at the hip whenever they weren't working, so her safety was pretty much covered.

"You could say that. I'm not sure how much of it she's shared with Emmett, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's only given him the CliffNotes* version. She avoids the subject of Royce by any means achievable."

I couldn't tell if Jasper had yet to notice my finger making slow swipes along the seam of his jeans and not knowing what to say further on the subject of his sister without moving into a territory that would make him clam up, I asked where he was living. I'd always been curious, but I hadn't gotten around to asking him the few times we'd talked recently.

"When we first moved here we both rented rooms in the dorms, but then Rose bought a condo a couple of months back and since she has two bedrooms I moved with her."

I had wondered how he'd liked living at the track. It was the one downside to moving here for the summer. If I waited until the fall I could move right into the university accommodations and avoid the ghetto style living at the track.

The Woodbine dormitory had been built in the late eighties and was a large, gray, cement building with no indoor hallways. All the rooms faced the outside surrounding parking lot. It resembled a cheap, ugly motel but with less character. Toronto has four full seasons, so for a few months of the year snow conveniently billows in on your bed each time you open the door. Yes, the rooms are that small and the beds that close to the outside! The building hadn't been updated since it had been built, so you can imagine how good a condition it was in.

Emmett has lived there since he moved here. He probably likes living there. Emmett was the rare person who preferred to be living at his place of work, and as long as he could get cable I doubt he cared about the condition of his living space.

I got caught up staring at Jasper, and forgot to talk, but Jasper must have anticipated what I was going to ask anyway.

"Thank God, Rose wanted to move! Those dorms are for shit. They reek of sweat and horses and it's freakin' impossible to sleep with all the fuckin' noisy assholes who lived there. Rose was dyin' a slow death in them, but I think your brother was a good distraction, even before she finally accepted him as more than a friend. If he hadn't befriended her from the moment we arrived, she might have broken and moved back South. I hated livin' in the dorms too, but I really do like Toronto."

I guess I should be thanking Emmett. If not for him, Jasper could have disappeared out of my life forever. I shuddered to think of how easily that could have happened. It was a concern I wanted corrected as soon as possible.

"What's the matter?" Jasper asked as he turned to face me more directly. My hand was no longer touching him and I missed the contact.

"Not a thing," I smiled at him. And there wasn't. Everything was good. More than good in fact.

A quick glance at my phone told me we had at least another thirty minutes alone.

"I'm glad I was able to run into you," I admitted, looking up to see how he'd react to my honesty. Disappointedly, I found his expression unreadable. "I've missed you," I offered.

Jasper looked away and stretched. I couldn't help but rake my eyes up and down his perfect physique.

"Well your timing was impeccable. I was on my way to the parking lot when Todd Haynes stopped me and mentioned that you were spotted walking to Emmett's barn."

Todd was an exercise rider who used to work Carlisle's horses last year. He'd moved up to Toronto about the same time as Emmett. No doubt he knew Emmett and Rosalie were an item because Emmett had probably blabbed it to anyone who'd listen. I'm surprised my brother hasn't asked her to marry him yet and taken out an ad in the Racing Form announcing their engagement. The Racing Form didn't have a section for those kinds of the announcements, but no doubt Emmett would try anyways.

"None of Rose's horses had to go to the track this mornin', so we were done early. A few more minutes and I'd have only heard second-hand about you having been in the city."

It didn't go unnoticed by me that Jasper hadn't returned the sentiment I'd spoken out loud. Yet, it was easy to ignore how his reaction had fallen short when he was physically right next to me. I wanted to savor every second I had with him, so I'd leave the over-analyzing for the trip home. With the way I usually scrutinized his every comment and the barest change in his expression or body language, I'd have plenty of fodder for the two-hour drive home. I had a hunch that sleep tonight wouldn't come easy.

My cheeks burned as I once again acknowledged how quickly my body always reacted to Jasper. It was like a switch was flipped the instant he was within a certain range and I couldn't help but feel the tension like a live-wire Everything about Jasper was quickly cataloged and dissected. It was like I was the Terminator and I had him in my scope.

How far his thigh was from mine.

How his foot shifted position to uncross his ankles.

How there was only three centimeters distance between our shoulders.

How his hair fell slightly below his ears.

How one lone curl hung slightly lower than all the others.

It took enormous restraint to fight the urge to tuck that curl back over his ear.

I wondered how he'd react if I leaned in and kissed him…

"Little Cullen!" An unfamiliar voice called out.

I jumped slightly as I realized how close I'd come to forcing myself on Jasper, and in clear view of anyone walking by. I sighed as I realized how little the thought of being gossiped about mattered if Jasper would only give me an indication he felt the same way I did, even on an infinitesimal scale. I'd searched for some sort of sign, but so far…nothing.

I glanced up to see who was approaching. It turned out it was a mix of former Forks workers and it felt as if a horde was about to surround us. It was funny how they all moved to the city to have a better career but they still stuck together as their own little clique. In fact, some of those who were now friends hadn't said a word to each other the entire time they worked at Forks. It was as if their common background of coming from a small town track was enough to bond them together as a shared experience.

I stood up reluctantly to shake hands with a few of my former co-workers and shoot the shit about what was going on at Forks. Only days ago the provincial government had announced they were closing the slots at the Forks Racetrack in thirty days and the guys wanted my take on the possible closure of the Track. _When I move here will these guys expect me to be a part of their ex-Forks group?_ Somehow I doubted it. Even coming from Forks wasn't going to be enough to overcome the differences between us and I figured I'd find myself once again a bit of a loner at this track too. It was best not to expect more, because if I thought being a student was enough to alienate me, being openly gay was only going to widen the gap between us.

Throughout the conversation Jasper stayed seated on the bench not participating in the conversation. At one point I could swear I felt his stare seeping through my back and it caused me to shiver. I found myself wishing that the guys would move on and leave us to have our last few minutes to ourselves.

"Well, I guess I should go meet Emmett," I excused myself from the group. I could see the tack shop from our bench, but I wanted to break away before Emmett arrived and our lunchtime venture was held up even more. Emmett mixed well with the Woodbine crowd, but he was a Forks alumnus through-and-through and loved to catch up on all the gossip. If I didn't disengage from these guys before he arrived we'd be standing around for another thirty minutes. Not the most appealing thought when I had Jasper sitting nearby and waiting.

I gestured to Jasper to join me, and as I said my farewells he raised himself up to his feet to follow. I wanted to reach out my hand and pull him along, but I knew that it would create unwarranted gossip and the contact might be unwelcome anyway. It was too bad, because having Jasper's hand in mine was a very pleasant mental image.

As we approached the steps to the tack shop, a building that wasn't more than a converted mobile home, I stopped short and took a quick look around for somewhere more private. Emmett wouldn't be here for another fifteen minutes or so and I needed a few moments alone with Jasper before our siblings joined us. Jasper hadn't been watching where he was stepping and bumped into me throwing me off balance. His strong hands quickly wrapped around my bicep to help keep me upright.

"Whoa," he said as he squeezed my arm. "Someone's been workin' out."

My face turned a little pink but I was thrilled he'd noticed. "Yeah, I've been going to the gym regularly since the summer."

The spot where his hand had gripped me was still tingling from his touch.

"What gym do you go to?" Jasper had taken a step back and shoved his hands into his pockets. I watched as he rocked back on the heels of his cowboy boots. It was distracting to say the least.

"It's not a traditional gym. I actually, uh, box," I stammered. I wasn't sure why I was embarrassed to admit this. I scanned the surrounding area for a place to wait in solitude.

"You box?" Jasper asked. "Like with the gloves and everythin'?"

"Yeah. I usually use the speed bag, skip some, and then hit the heavy bag."

I remembered there were some unused steps on the other side of the tack shop that would be facing the brick wall of the racing office. The racing offices had no windows on that side and it seemed like our best bet for a quiet spot. The doors on that side were blacked out so no one would see us from inside. In fact, the tack shop owner had put shelving in front of the doors to create more wall space. On a previous visit I'd discovered the steps when I'd found the staff cafeteria at Woodbine too busy and chaotic for reading. Granted it was summer then and the steps were a warmer place to sit at that time, but I was desperate at this moment to acquire even a meager amount of privacy with Jasper.

"Wow. Are you any good? Do you plan to fight or it is for exercise?"

"Oh, exercise only. I've sparred, but I don't want to be involved in fights. I have enough going on in my life and a few days a week is all I can spare. Besides, I doubt I'm any good. Last summer, you, ah, saw the result of my first time sparring."

"Last summer?" Jasper frowned and I could see the wheels spinning in his head.

I gestured for him to follow me as I led us around to the steps on the far side of the building.

"Yeah, when I came to work with the black eye." I waited to see if he'd remember as we walked side-by-side. I shoved my hands into my pockets to avoid reaching for his hand.

When we got to the far side I gave a quick look around and was satisfied with our location; we weren't visible from any of the regular foot or vehicle traffic.

"That was from boxin'? I thought you'd gotten beat up by some homophobic assholes," Jasper admitted. "Why didn't you tell me that was what happened?" His questioning look unexpectedly evolved into distress. "Holy shit! I got Emmett to drive down because I thought you were in trouble!"

It didn't make sense. _How had Jasper been involved?_

"You did what? Emmett told me Heidi was the one who called him."

"Sure, but only because I put a bug in her ear to do it. I was worried about ya. Why didn't you say it was from boxin'?"

"I was embarrassed. It shouldn't have happened. I did something stupid and got schooled. I can't believe you were behind Emmett's visit."

"Yeah, well someone had to be lookin' out for ya. Carlisle didn't seem too concerned and you weren't confidin' in me."

"Carlisle knew it was from boxing. As for confiding in you, that morning was the first time you'd taken any notice of me since we'd broken up, and I was embarrassed about how it had happened."

All this standing around was getting awkward so I sat down on the steps hoping Jasper would choose to sit next to me rather than stand.

"How exactly did it happen? I mean, you don't go gettin' beat up every time you spar do ya? That seems a little dangerous to me."

I shivered nervously as Jasper sat down next to me. _Is this the sign I was looking for? _Evidence that he'd always cared was starting to assemble and I oh so wanted to believe it, but making the first move was scary. The need to touch him however, was rapidly becoming near impossible to ignore.

"No," I coughed out a laugh. "I uh, was a little angry going into the spar and I kinda went too far. My partner that day wasn't happy with the level of aggression I was showing and gave me a lesson in what happens if you act like an idiot in the ring. It was my bad."

"No shit. He must have bounced you around that ring a few times. Don't you have some sort of trainer or somethin' who'd put a stop to a beatin'?"

"Oh it was stopped as soon as the gym owner realized what was happening."

Jasper was silent for a minute and I wondered what he thought of the whole situation.

_Did he mind that I boxed?_

When he turned away again I thought the topic of boxing was over. I was wrong.

"Well, I gotta say I think it's kinda hot that you box. I can't help but picture you shirtless and sweaty and throwing punches. Whew!"

_He likes it? _My embarrassment quickly morphed to excitement… and bravery.

_**This**__ is the signal you've been waiting for. I can't be reading this wrong. Right?_

I quickly turned, shifted closer and since Jasper wasn't facing me, closed in on his neck. He smelled so fucking good I felt saliva pooling in my mouth. My lips briefly touched his skin.

_Please let this be okay!_

"Edwaard," Jasper moaned in what sounded like light protest. His complaint might have held more weight if he hadn't closed his eyes and lolled his head to the side. He didn't have the look of someone who minded what I was doing.

_Oh God, please let me continue._

I ignored his mild objection and continued to kiss and lick up the side of his jaw. The taste of his skin was addictive and I moved my hand up to his other cheek in an attempt to keep him in place. My heart skipped a rapid beat as I slid a little closer and leaned my body against his.

Jasper turned his face toward mine and captured my lips in a searing kiss. Our tongues were quickly tangled and a feeling in my chest tightened up. _He's kissing me._ As my heart pounded harder I moved my hand from his cheek and slid it into his curls. I secured my grip in them and was rewarded with a moan against my mouth.

_Oh fuck. I can't believe this is happening. He feels so good. I want more._

I pulled myself up and over him. Straddling him on the steps I slid my other hand along his side feeling his abs through his shirt, wishing I could pull it up and see his naked torso. Flashes of us making out shirtless in the backseat of his truck caused me to forget where I was and when his hands moved up to grip my legs under the thighs and hold me to him I nearly came. My stomach tightened further when I realized how close his fingers were to my ass.

_We should slow down. _

My errant thought about a moderate pace was quickly ignored by the rest of me and I instead moved closer still and ground myself into him. An orgasm was rapidly approaching and I couldn't find it in me to care if anyone saw us. Not able to feel if he was hard too, I shifted over him trying to line us up. Before I could feel us against each other Jasper pulled back and to my shock picked me up and off him. He then put me back down on the step alone as he stood up.

My breath came out in ragged spurts as I tried to assess what was happening.

I looked up at him, not understanding what he was going to do next. The cold feel of the steps below me mirrored the feeling I had in my chest. I missed the feel of him but I couldn't understand why it was bothering me so much when I didn't doubt that I would be feeling him again in a matter of seconds. I reached out my hand to his leg, anything to maintain that little bit of contact.

"Sorry E. I shouldn't have done that," Jasper apologized as he picked my hand off his jeans and dropped it.

_What the fuck?_

My heart sunk as fast as my hand dropped and I realized this wasn't going to turn out how I'd hoped. It was as if my heart had realized what was happening before my mind could catch up. Maybe it wasn't totally unexpected, but it still hurt. No, it fucking lacerated me.

"Why? It seemed like you were enjoying what we were doing."

Jasper had me in such confusion I had no idea where I stood with him at all. _I know he liked what we were doing. _My eyes dropped down to see if he had an erection and I was pleased to see what looked like a sizable bulge pushing against the zipper of his jeans.

He might have noticed where my eyes had landed because he immediately moved his shirt down further and sat down on the steps careful to keep a foot of space between us.

"You and I can't happen. We're in two different places and it won't work out."

_He doesn't like the distance_, I thought in a relief. The chill I'd been feeling in my bones melted to a mere nip. _That's okay, I'll be moving here in a few months._

"I can work with that. I'll wait," I offered.

"No. You don't get what I'm tryin' to say," he huffed. "I wasn't talkin' geography, I was referrin' to maturity."

_Okay, that hurt._ _He thinks I'm immature? _

My confusion gave way to annoyance.

"You don't think I'm mature enough?" I hissed. "I'll be turning eighteen and graduating in a couple of months. Did you want to wait until then?"_ Hell, I could wait a couple of months. I'd wait years if I knew he would be there at the end._

"You think this is a matter of you no longer being in high school, when in reality it is actually that the timin' is off. We met at the wrong point in our lives. You're too young and inexperienced, and that isn't somethin' that's gonna change magically in a matter of months."

_Too young? Too inexperienced? This didn't sound like the Jasper I'd started to date in the summer. What had happened that so drastically changed his opinion of me? _

I rapidly took an inventory of all the ways I thought myself mature.

I practically raised myself.

I lived away from my parents.

I've always held down a job.

I get good grades without any intervention or encouragement.

I don't waste my money, sleep around, or party.

_Seriously, how much more mature could I get at seventeen?_

"So that's it? You won't give me a chance to prove I've matured, that I'm old enough to handle a relationship with you? You see is my age as a number and you aren't looking beyond the obvious. Weren't _you_ the one who said I was mature for my age and asked how it was that I was only seventeen?"

He closed his eyes and balled his fists. "I know you're mature for your age E, but…" he opened his eyes to stare directly at me and pulled himself straighter. "I don't want more than friendship with you. We had great chemistry and I _like _you, but this won't work between us. I can't be that guy to show you the ropes. I _won't_ be that guy."

_He doesn't want to wait? _

I sucked in my breath as I tried to maintain composure. My chest hurt and I felt like I was going to heave. _He wants someone else to 'show me the ropes'? _I pictured myself with some random fuck and I felt measurably sicker.

"That's crazy! You'd rather I go and get _experience_ with someone I don't care about - then you'd consider me better prepared to date you?"

_Can he hear how sick that sounds?_

"When I first told you I was a…" I couldn't say the word virgin; it suddenly seemed as if that distinction would prove his point.

"Why did you act like my inexperience was okay with you? More than okay in fact. At what point did you become a liar?"

"I've never lied. At first the idea that you hadn't been with anyone else was actually stimulatin'. I liked the idea. But that was when I thought you were a lot older than you actually were. Your age is enough to put me off, but combine that with the inexperience and I have no interest in goin' there. I don't wanna be anyone's teacher."

"Teacher?" I questioned. "I don't want a fucking teacher. I want you as a boyfriend."

_This is screwy._ _We both like each other, a lot, but he has a hang-up about my fucking age and the fact that I'm a virgin? So much so that he wants to end what could potentially be something great?_

"I can't be your boyfriend. That will _never_ happen. I can't reiterate that any more than I have."

"Great. So essentially I need to go out and screw around with some easy fuck at a bar and then you might find me more attractive?"

"See, this is exactly what I'm talkin' bout when I said you need more maturity. I never said go and find someone to fuck. I only said I didn't want you waitin' around for some relationship that wasn't gonna happen. You and I will never be anythin' but friends.

"I'm not sayin' we'll try again when you're twenty. I'm sayin' we met at the wrong time and therefore we weren't meant to be. I'm not 'the _one'_ for you. Let's try to salvage a friendship out of the wreckage and move on with our romantic lives separately," he finished his statement quietly as if trying to soften the words with his tone of voice even as they cut through me easier than a scalpel. His eyes pleaded with me to understand.

_But how could I understand? _

It was humiliating how I couldn't keep the tears from forming.

_Did he really mean that? He wasn't planning on __**ever**__ giving us a chance? _

I scrubbed my eyes in humiliation while despair flowed through my limbs and I felt weak and miserable.

_This isn't right. I __**know**__ he can feel there is something big between us._

He had marked this as 'the end' and I would be damned if I wasn't going to go down without a fight. I'd already put myself out there - _how much more crushing could it get?_

"What are you so scared of Jay? Your words mean nothing to me when you're reaction to me tells a different story. I _believe_ in my heart that I'm 'the one' for you. Do you really think because I'm a virgin I can't feel as strongly or be as mature as someone whose had sex. What about when we touch?" I reached out and grasped his hand and reveled in the flow of electricity that tingled through our contact. "Does this feel like friendship to you? Can you really deny how amazing we'd be together?"

He yanked his hand from mine and stood up. The look in his eyes turned cold.

"I don't want you to wait for me. You'd be wastin' your time. I _won't_ be wastin' mine."

It was clear what he was implying and my eyes started to fill up again.

_Why was he being to hurtful?_

I thought he was done, but apparently he couldn't leave me any room for doubt.

"Go out and live your life. When I said I wasn't ready for a relationship I was only tryin' to let you down easy. I didn't mean to give ya the impression I was holdin' myself back for you. I won't make the same mistake twice. You and I are _not_ gonna happen. Don't expect that to change…ever."

Knife. Stab. Twist.

"I don't believe you." I could hardly see through the tears. "Why are you acting like you can't feel…"

Jasper interrupted me before I could finish.

"Don't say anything more E. We are at a tippin' point and if you insist on pushin' this issue then we'll lose our friendship too.

"Please? Can't we agree to be friends and that's it? You made a good decision when you broke up with me, a decision I was wrestlin' with myself and I'm thankful you were stronger than me. But this time I have my head on straight. This time I'm not budgin'. We will never again have a relationship beyond friendship. The _only_ decision you have to make is if you even want me as a friend."

Jasper crossed his arms across his chest; his eyes blazed a challenging look into mine.

_What else could I say? _He'd made up his mind and there wasn't anything more I could say that he'd be willing to listen to. He seemed to have some kind of convoluted idea that we have this chasm between our ages and pursuing a relationship with me was somehow wrong.

_What makes him so sure we couldn't work it out?_

"Friends?" I commented bitterly as I stood up ready to leave. "What I feel when I'm around you is anything but platonic," I spit out. "I can't be around you and pretend any longer. If you don't _want_ me, then I think we should avoid each other. It would be too awkward." _And painful._

"If that's how you feel," Jasper shrugged nonchalantly and I suddenly wanted to throw a punch at his perfect nose.

"It is. And, you can start by making some excuse why you won't be attending lunch with us today," I suggested.

It was the exact opposite of what I really wanted. I would gladly take his friendship over no contact, but the hurt was too fresh and I was too angry to withdraw my stance.

Jasper nodded; his demeanor suddenly less aloof. He shifted on his feet.

"For what it's worth – I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever led you on. Call me when you want to pick up our friendship."

I couldn't look at him any longer. The faster I could get away from him the better.

"Don't hold your breath waiting," I pitched back at him as I walked away.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

The angst continues. But I'll say it again - for those willing to stick through it, there will be a HEA between E & J... eventually. This is not me stringing you along for as long as I can, this arch has been in my outline from the beginning.

*Coles Notes vs CliffNotes - Which term are you familiar with? Where do you live?

Silly Notes: I originally had Jasper use the term **Coles Notes** but then as I edited the chapter I realized maybe that wouldn't be a term Americans would be familiar with and therefore shouldn't have been used by Jasper (who's American in this story). So I looked it up and changed it to **CliffNotes**. Even though I'm Canadian I still knew what CliffNotes were so I left it that Edward (who's Canadian) would also know what it meant. He too lives in a border town after all.

Interesting fact (or not): Coles Notes were first published in Canada in 1948. The American rights were sold to Cliff Hillegrass in 1958, hence CliffNotes. Coles bookstore is a bookstore chain in Canada to this day and still produces Coles Notes and they are still popular with Canadian students.

Another note: Although I've been to the Woodbine backstretch in recent years, I didn't take the time to note the living conditions. I used artistic license when I made the dormitories to be in poor condition – hopefully they aren't. My older brother had lived in them when they were brand new in the eighties (yes I'm that old!) and I can remember being unimpressed even at that time.

My brother had seen the dormitory as a marked improvement to living in the old "tack rooms" that were designated as living spaces for grooms who needed them. Grooms were paid so little and Toronto is so expensive to live in that the meager amount the track charged for renting a tack room to sleep in was the only place a lot of grooms could afford. The old "tack rooms" were located in the barns themselves and the grooms who lived in them never got away from the horse smell, the horse noises, or the mice. They didn't have cable or satellite hookup in the barns and _everything_ they owned smelled like it came from a barn. For that reason the dorms were at least somewhat of an improvement. Some of the old school grooms never moved and chose to stay in the barns close to their horses.

F.Y.I.: My brother only lived in the dorms for a few years. He still works at Woodbine to this day. I worked as a hotwalker then a groom at the small town track during my high school years and once I'd left for university I'd never returned…to work that is. I still attend the races and I'm friendly with a lot of the track workers. My work experience is being used for the story, all the rest is fiction.


	37. Chapter 37

I was blown away by the response to last chapter! Jasper's treatment of Edward evoked a variety of emotions. Please keep the feedback coming – I loved it!

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_Jasper nodded; his demeanor suddenly less aloof. He shifted on his feet. _

"_For what it's worth – I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ever led you on. Call me when you want to pick up our friendship." _

_I couldn't look at him any longer. The faster I could get away from him the better._

"_Don't hold your breath waiting," I pitched back at him as I walked away._

_*****iwtfy*****_

**Six weeks later.**

Peter's hand stilled on the back of the horse's leg; a serious look of concentration filled his features.

"This leg's a little warm to touch and definitely swollen. The other one seems uninjured. I think we'll start with hosing down his leg, and then we'll have to wrap it. Can you grab one ice leg wrap and two of the ice inserts. There should be a couple in the freezer."

I nodded and quickly exited the barn to go to Peter's truck and retrieve the items we'd need. Apparently, Rasputin had run a little too hard while he played in the field with the other horses and he'd damaged his tendon again. A bowed tendon was unusual for the off season and it was a reminder to me that there was a lot of racing related injuries I'd missed learning about while I worked over the off-season.

_One more reason why I should stick around this summer._

When I got back to the barn, Peter had moved Rasputin to the area of the barn near the drainage hole and had started running water down the back of the horse's injured leg. He was squatting next to the horse and I tried to ignore the way my eyes had automatically drifted over to take in his lean build.

"Here's the wrap and the ice. I can take over with the hose," I quickly offered knowing that Peter would probably want to go find the trainer to explain the injury and the treatment needed. The wraps were expensive for cheap claiming horses and I knew he would work out a lending cost without making the trainer outright buy them.

As I bent down to retrieve the hose from Peter I was caught off-guard when Peter's hand lingered and brushed mine. These small touches were happening more and more often as of lately and I was having trouble dismissing them outright. I studied him to see if he'd noticed what he'd done and was surprised to see a strange look in his eye; a look that caused me to blush a little and my heart to pick up a more rapid pace.

_Why was Peter looking at me as if he wanted… me? I __**know**__ I have to be reading this all wrong._

Ignoring the warning bells sounding off in my head I looked away and quickly squatted to take his place.

When Peter shuffled off with the materials, mumbling that he'd be back in a minute, my heart finally started to slow to a more reasonable pace.

We'd been working together for over nine months and this was the first time I'd seen any hint of anything other than friendly, completely professional, _straight _Peter.

_I misread what just happened, right? I want him to like me as more than a friend, so I invented some reciprocal feelings. Yup, I have a very active imagination._

I checked the water running down Rasputin's leg and noted it was running very cold, which is exactly what his leg needed. Satisfied that everything was in proper working order, I dismissed any suspicions about Peter and allowed my mind to drift to Jasper.

After my disastrous trip over a month ago Jasper and I had never reconnected as friends. I couldn't find it in me to move past some of the things that had happened, and I hadn't made any attempt to patch up our friendship. There hadn't been a phone or text between us. I guess we'd receded back to our norm of avoiding direct communication. Or less than norm I guess, because any of the times I'd talked to Emmett he hadn't mentioned Jasper sending me a greeting like he used to.

For awhile I was extremely angry with Jasper and blamed him for everything, but then I talked with Esme and I sorted _some_ of it out in my brain. There are some parts of what happened that I'm sure I'll never be able to forgive, however I could see how some of what occurred was inevitable.

Esme had noticed my extreme mood shift a few days after I'd returned.

_I guess I wasn't as covert as I'd thought as I stomped around the house and slammed doors_.

She managed to maneuver me into going out for dinner with her, and I'd been ripe for confiding in someone, _anyone_. I was currently lacking in my repertoire of friends for someone who could dish out good advice.

There was Emmett – _not on your life since he'd probably tell Rosalie_, Mike or Tyler – who'd both been cool about my sexual orientation, but I couldn't imagine they'd be cool enough to listen to my relationship woes, and then there was Bella, and while Jacob was amenable to our close friendship, I couldn't see her having much insight since Jacob was her first boyfriend and they seemed to have slipped into that relationship with ease.

If Esme hadn't been so pushy I would have eventually spilled to either Bella or Peter.

_Peter._ _Do not go there. It was an innocent touch and I only imagined the look. I'm obviously no scholar when it comes to reading a guy's intentions._

It was embarrassing how quickly I could see things where they don't exist.

After unloading to Esme, who was surprisingly objective and insightful, I've come to accept what happened was a long time coming.I'm not saying what Jasper did was acceptable – not in the least. But I've started to accept some of my responsibility for the way it went down.

Last summer we hadn't broken up.

_This _had been our breakup.

_Yeah I know we __**did**__ break up last summer, I'm not delusional. Just… well I'll try to explain my reasoning. _

Last summer_ w_e'd amicably agreed to end the relationship, and while that probably works when both parties have shifted their feelings to simple friendship, it wasn't reasonable when the shift hadn't actually occurred and I was still fostering a shit-load of feelings and unspoken, future intentions.

When I'd described our 'final' date Esme immediately expressed concern about how bizarre that date had been and how it had only served to muddy the waters and confuse me. I'd ended the relationship, but at the same time, my brain had gone on thinking that it was only on pause. I'd been deluding myself into thinking we weren't _really _broken up and I had needed this closure to accept the breakup. Our meeting last month had been the breakup 'fight' that _should_ have happened last summer. We weren't meant to have an amicable breakup when one side, namely me, was still harboring strong, unresolved feelings.

Esme then helped me to sift through what Jasper had actually said -_ facts_, from what I'd unintentionally interpreted - _fiction_. Talking with Esme brought the situation clearer and served to remind me that Jasper had _never_ agreed we were only putting our relationship on hold. I was also forced to admit he'd already stated that he had a penchant for one-night stands, and more importantly, he'd already stated he wasn't looking for a relationship _before_ I'd come on to him. _I _had wrongly interpreted, or maybe hoped, that I wasn't included in the 'not looking for a relationship' category.

Ignoring all the warnings he'd given me, I had still basically thrown myself at him.

I get it now, _finally_ – Jasper is the kind of guy who can go with his lust and have a quick romp and have it mean nothing. He didn't want someone inexperienced because he wasn't looking for a long-term project; he was only interested in a one-off. My age, inexperience, and clingy nature must have given him reason to pause.

Unfortunately, I hadn't realized he only felt lust and I had set myself up to get hurt again.

Fortunately, Jasper realized I wasn't built that way and ended it before I was too far gone in the moment.

What still burned me was that he acted like he cared about me, wanted to be my _friend_, but what kind of friend lets it get that far with someone so inexperienced?

Shouldn't he have shown concern for me as the inexperienced youth he claimed I was?

If all he truly wanted was the friendship he claimed, _**he**_ shouldn't have ever kissed me, and he _**should **_have pushed me away immediately. Calling himself mature (which was implied when he said _I_ was immature) was a joke – and one I still couldn't find in me to laugh at.

Sifting through his actions helped paint a picture of Jasper that I didn't really like. If you have ever been in love maybe you can understand how sometimes it's hard to notice those negative attributes, especially when it means at the same time you'd to accept they'd never be the right person for you. You want to overlook the negative and make excuses, even if it's staring you in the face. I never thought I'd dislike the person I was in love with, and I still have a hard time thinking of him _that _way.

What confused me even more - Esme appeared to agree with me that Jasper may feel more for me than he was admitting. She thought he appeared as confused as me. None of it made the revelation that we had no future as a couple any easier.

But we didn't.

Have a future that is.

This time he'd made sure his intentions were unmistakable and as clear as day.

I finally understood, and reluctantly accepted, that this was how it was going to be, even if some part of me deep down inside wanted to hold out hope. That part of me, the part that liked to believe Jasper wasn't without some kind of feelings for me, came from that same part of me that held on to the hope that someday my mom would wake up and realize she needed to get help and that she'd get that help because of me.

_Yeah, so I am the tiniest delusional._

_Is reality really all that it's cracked up to be?_

"Is the leg nice and cold?" Peter interrupted my musings as he squatted down next to me.

I hadn't heard him re-enter the barn and my pulse started to race at his close proximity. If I were to take any stock in my body's reaction, then I must not have totally convinced myself there was nothing to that look he'd given me earlier.

I pulled the hose away and quickly ran my hand down the back of Rasputin's leg. It no longer felt warm to the touch, but I could feel the damaged tendon as it curved outward into an almost banana shape.

"Yeah, it's probably cold enough for the wrap," I answered as I actively avoided searching Peter's expression for something that I'd probably only imagined. With my recent hit-and-miss with Jasper, I was wary of trusting my instincts and misinterpreting someone's intentions. If any guy in my future wanted more than friendship, he'd better be prepared to lose every bit of subtlety.

"We'll wait a moment to wrap. Trent will be out a minute and then I'll demonstrate how to set up the wrap and ice insert."

Peter then moved away and turned off the hose at the faucet. I started to curl the hose up neatly when Peter came closer and took the hose from my hands.

"I can do that Ed. Why don't you go look for something to dry your hands. There should be some towels or something in the last stall where they keep their equipment and tack. I know its spring but it's still too cold out to run around with wet hands."

I moved quickly to where he'd indicated, but once I was out of Peter's view I swiped my hands down my jeans. I didn't need to dirty someone's towels when my hands were already in pretty rough condition. I shrugged as I looked down at the cracks at the tips of my fingers that had been around all winter. They were painful at first, but after having them for so long my skin had toughened up and now I hardly noticed them. I shook my head. Garrett would have kicked my butt if he'd seen their condition. _They certainly weren't pretty._

When I returned to Rasputin's side, Peter had finished winding up the hose and was taking another look at the horse's leg. He was squatting again, and I couldn't help but feel the faintest bit of longing. I didn't avert my eyes right away as I argued with myself that being appreciative of a handsome man never hurt anyone.

Peter shifted to stand up and I barely caught myself from sighing out-loud.

_Why can't I find someone appropriate for me? _

I hoped going to university would give me options I didn't have in this small town, and by _options_ I wasn't thinking about the career kind.

Peter turned quicker than I'd anticipated, and in all likelihood he couldn't have missed how I'd been checking him out. Yet, instead of having a look of disgust or anger like I'd expected, he surprised me with a quick smile. The look in his eyes was warm and he took a step closer to me. Too surprised to react I froze. He opened his mouth to say something, _what it could be I couldn't imagine_, when a cough broke us from the unfamiliar connection we were sharing.

Relief and embarrassment flooded through me in equal doses and I shuffled out of the way so Trent could get his demonstration from Peter.

_What the hell is going on? _

My heart was beating double-time as I scooted out of the barn to take a walk. I should have stuck around to see if Peter needed my help, but I couldn't quiet the apprehension that had shaken me to my core.

I liked Peter as a boss and friend. I _was_ attracted to Peter. But, I hadn't ever expected Peter to have similar feelings. Although I liked him, I had no intention of taking it any further than a few glances and some private fantasies. I didn't want to get involved with my boss, and even more importantly a _married_ man. And he was what – at least in his late twenties?

The comfort I'd felt working for Peter was suddenly shattered and I felt like I was in over my head.

_Please let this be me reading it all wrong. _

God knows I've had occasion to touch myself while fueled with visions of Peter, especially over the past month since I refused to think of Jasper that way, but the possibility that he could be interested was like a dose of cold water on my lust for him.

I had never actually wanted this particular fantasy to come true.

Yet, he was such an easy going, open-minded guy and I was probably taking this whole scenario to a place that it was never intended to go. He probably had only wanted to reassure me and say that he wasn't bothered by my attraction to him.

"Ed?"

I looked around at the call of Peter's voice and realized I'd walked off to the far side of the corral, out of sight from the farm's long straight driveway.

"I'll be right there," I answered back, trying to hide the tremble in my voice.

When I got back to the truck Peter had already packed away his supplies. I felt guilty that I'd shirked my duties as I'd let my anxieties spin uselessly out of control over a situation that probably had a perfectly reasonable explanation.

"Where'd you go?" Peter asked as I slipped into the passenger seat. He hadn't started the truck yet and my pulse continued to race as my uneasiness refused to subside.

"I needed to stretch my legs after holding that hose." My legs had felt a little tingly so it wasn't a total lie. "Sorry I didn't help you clean up. I hadn't realized how far I'd walked."

Peter still hadn't started the truck and I kept my stare out the window to avoid showing him how unnerved I was. I rapped my fingers on the arm rest by the window trying to alleviate some of tension building in me.

"Lunch then?" Peter inquired.

Even as my stomach lurched unpleasantly at the suggestion of combining eating with a private conversation, I nodded my head in agreement. What used to be a very pleasant endeavor had now been rendered wholly unappealing and quite a bit disquieting.

"Are you okay Edward?" Peter asked, concern lacing through his voice.

It was distressing that he still hadn't started up the truck. _Why didn't we go?_

I cleared my throat as I attempted to evoke an impression of coolness.

"I'm great. A little hungry, but when am I not?" I steeled my eyes to reveal none of my concerns and turned to flash him a quick grin.

My response must have reassured him because he smiled back and quickly started the truck to pull out.

I prayed Peter would choose a busy fast-food restaurant, which is what we did seventy-five percent of the time. But no, today he chose a quiet diner located minutes away from Trent's farm. I didn't even have time to fortify my nerves and slow the river of possible scenarios that had come rushing out of my brain like a dam had burst.

_How the fuck did I get myself into this situation?_

_It's either I'm humiliated into an uncomfortable conversation about my one-sided lust for my married, straight boss, or I'm forced to deal with a situation even more volatile. _

_How do you tactfully turn down your boss without insulting him, while pointing out that you think it would be completely immoral for him to cheat on his wife? _

_If he did come on to me, did I have any chance to salvage our working relationship?_

It was surreal to be _hoping_ that the guy I'd been crushing on all winter was about to let me down easy. The reality of having any kind of relationship with Peter had quickly extinguished the fun of fantasizing about him.

_Fuck. Why hadn't I stuck to porn?_

_Maybe I could lie and tell him I'm in a relationship? _

Once we were seated in a booth that was isolated from any of the other customers in the diner, one Peter had specifically chosen after I tried to sit at a table more in the thick of things, we quietly looked over the cracked menus. After our server had taken our orders I picked up the sugar container and spun it, trying to busy my fingers as I avoided looking directly at Peter.

Lunch with my boss had never been so uncomfortable.

"What are you thinking about?" Peter broke the silence with a question.

I didn't answer him immediately, as I tried to think of anything but the tension between us.

"Uh…" I hesitated, trying to think of a topic other than the one I'd been obsessing about. "I've been accepted into all three programs I applied into. I'm trying to figure out what my best options are." This wasn't at all what I'd been thinking of, but it was something I'd planned to talk to Peter about. Having been to veterinary school, I wanted his valuable input into what my best options would be. Toronto had been my only interest, but since my future with Jasper was over I suddenly found my options for post secondary school were wide open.

"That's great news," Peter congratulated enthusiastically. "What schools?"

"Toronto, Western, and Guelph."

"Bachelor of Science I presume?"

"Yeah, all Life Sciences."

"Well, Guelph obviously has a great program and you'd be right there to move into the veterinary program," Peter argued. The University of Guelph had the only veterinary program in Ontario. "But really, each of these schools have a good science program. What city would you prefer to live in?"

"I had planned Toronto…" I started to explain, but I really didn't want to get into the whole Jasper fiasco.

"Which is where Emmett is," Peter interrupted. "That makes sense. Why does it sound like you've changed your mind?"

Delving into a discussion of universities was having the positive effect of distracting me from what had happened earlier. I always found Peter so easy to talk to and apparently having my feelings stirred up hadn't fully extinguished the effect of his easy rapport. I stopped spinning the sugar and took a slow breath. Slumping back into a more casual position I tried to pretend this was like any other lunch we'd had together and concentrated on answering his question.

"I don't know. Maybe basing my decision on the location of my brother doesn't seem all that intelligent. We'd both be so busy I doubt I'd see him all that much, and Toronto is so huge."

"I can't argue for Toronto because I've always found that city to be chaotic and intimidating. Charlotte has been after me from the get-go to build my practice at Woodbine. She doesn't understand I'm a small-town vet at heart and that I can't see myself enjoying the constant bustle and traffic. The higher salary wouldn't be worth the trade-off in my opinion."

It was the first time he'd mentioned Charlotte in months. Her name forced me to acknowledge I'd never even heard him talking to her on his cell in the past month.

_Was their marriage in trouble? _

Even if it was, I had no interest in getting involved in something so complicated.

"Truthfully, I'm kind of leaning toward Western. I've liked what I've seen of London, and their campus is pretty nice. I don't know about spending the next six to seven years at the same school."

"I went to Queens for my undergrad and I've never regretted it. You end up seeing enough of your classmates when you enter into the program, might as well not compete with them directly for the first couple of years."

"That makes sense too. Plus, Guelph isn't a very big city, and I kind of wanted to experience a bigger city, although maybe not as large as Toronto," I admitted.

"The commute back to Forks is comparable from each of your choices, but you wouldn't see as much of the Toronto traffic travelling from London," Peter added to my argument.

_What commute? Would I really choose to come back to Forks all that often? I guess I'd want to visit Esme and Carlisle for some of the holidays._

I shrugged at his last comment. Now that the conversation had run its course I was strangely disappointed that Peter hadn't had any astounding insight into what program I should choose.

The distraction and relief of avoiding an awkward exchange evaporated with Peter's next question.

"Did I make you uncomfortable earlier?" The look on my face must have shown my puzzlement. "In the barn," he clarified.

I couldn't help but look to see if he was asking what I thought he was asking. His expression was unreadable, but there was something about the way he held his hands and shoulders that told me he was anything but indifferent to my response.

He had me so mixed up.

"I guess I'm confused?" I was being purposefully vague.

_Let him make what he wants of that. _

I watched as he shifted on the bench. It was clear he'd meant to deal with this head-on and I could at least respect that.

"_I'm_ not. Confused that is."

I raised my eyebrows at his response because he certainly needed to better explain his statement if he actually expected some kind of reaction from me. But what he did next removed any question of his intentions.

I watched with fascination as Peter reached out with his hand and placed it over mine. The light touch of his hand caused my heart to palpitate and I shifted in my seat causing my leg to kick out and hit Peter in the shin.

"Sorry," I muttered as I tried to figure out if I should remove my hand from his. Truthfully, it was kind of nice to have some solid contact with another man, especially one I found attractive.

His hand squeezed mine. "It's okay," he added as he smiled at me and let his leg lean against mine.

_What exactly was he Okaying?_

My breath swooshed out of me and I was sure he could hear how hard my heart was thumping.

"Edward," he leaned closer to me and grasped my hand tightly as he started to stroke the top of my hand with his thumb. "I can't stop thinking about you." He dropped his bombshell so casually I almost had to ask him to repeat himself. "I know this is totally inappropriate, but I've been fighting these… feelings I have for you for awhile. I couldn't ignore them another day."

Even with all his small gestures and leading up to our ambiguous interaction this morning, I hadn't actually _believed_ what I'd noticed was desire.

_Does this mean Peter is gay? _

Then I remembered Charlotte. _Or bi? _

My heart squeezed inside my chest and I pulled my hand out of his. Hiding my hands under the table I fought my sudden interest in Peter's lips by keeping my eyes glued to the table.

_I can't. He's a married man. I won't._

_What was he expecting to come of this? _

The anxiety I felt earlier had returned with a vengeance and I didn't know what I should say or do.

But it was nice for once to have someone taking a risk for my affection.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

F.Y.I. Some of you may have been expecting an appearance of Emmett and Rosalie, and while I did write up the lunch scene that took place after his 'spat' with Jasper, it seemed too much like a fill-in chapter since nothing significant was going to occur. Edward was in a dark place immediately after walking away from Jasper and he wasn't ready to confide in his brother. Emmett pried but was unsuccessful and Edward left to drive back to Forks and mope.


	38. Chapter 38

Thanks to everyone who continues to read!

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_****iwtfy****_

_[from previous chapter]_

_I can't. He's a married man. I won't._

_What was he expecting to come of this? _

_The anxiety I felt earlier had returned with a vengeance and I didn't know what I should say or do._

_But it was nice for once to have someone taking a risk for my affection. _

_*****iwtfy*****_

Still keeping my gaze focused on the tabletop, I decided it couldn't hurt to explore what Peter was feeling.

Hold-on, before you get too upset with me, I didn't mean _explore_ as in the physical sense, I meant ask him some questions that might clarify, or further muddy, my resolve.

"You've been _feeling_ something for me?" I peeked up to see his response while still keeping my hands beneath the table. I wiped my hands over my thighs trying to remove the perspiration that had started to accumulate.

His eyes found mine immediately and I relaxed a bit as I felt his genial nature pouring into mine.

"For some time," he said, pausing as he considered what exactly to say. "I find you to be clever, resourceful, and extremely industrious as an employee – an employer's dream. But, as a person, you are caring, considerate, and beguiling, a dangerous mix by itself, add it to the fact that you're beyond gorgeous and I can't help but find myself bewitched by you."

I blushed to my roots hearing the way Peter spoke of me. It was an embarrassing and highly embellished view of me.

_Did he really see me that way?_

"I've always held an attraction to you, but I ignored it easily enough. I'm married and I take those vows seriously. However, the realization that I held feelings for you hit me like a ton of bricks upon your return from Toronto," he explained, all the while maintaining eye contact with me. "You've changed over the past month. The spark you carried around had dimmed and it was difficult to see you so disheartened. Over this past winter you ceaselessly amazed me with your determination and how with everything you've been through, you still determinedly kept your head high. Seeing you dispirited made me desperate to find if there was anything I could do to make it better. My resolve to keep our relationship platonic broke and I found myself taking any opportunity to touch you. And once I started, I was lost to it.

"It doesn't matter that I shouldn't; I can no longer deny how I feel about you."

_Wow. _I had to admit he was making me feel something too. _Was it wrong to be turned on by his confession? _

"So are you bi?"

I kind of hoped he was, even if I couldn't understand it; otherwise he fell into the category I hated more than anything - the guy so hidden in the closet that he fakes his attraction to a woman and even does the unforgivable by cultivating a heterosexual relationship with one to hide what he really is.

He scrunched up his face at the question.

"I never put a label on what I am. I always thought I was attracted to a person's soul, it doesn't seem to matter what gender they are.

"My first kiss was with a boy in the eighth grade. We were in a rock climbing camp together and I had a serious crush on him. We were both too nervous to even fool around," he chuckled softly. "That's the extent of my experience with the same sex. I've never been in a relationship with a man, but I've had an attraction to several over the years; I just never acted on them. I've always been attracted to women too and taking that route always seemed unrestricted and more acceptable.

"I guess that would mean I'm bi, I had never thought of myself in those terms."

I nodded. I had never been attracted to a woman, but even I could see how much easier it would be to be in a straight relationship.

"So you've really _never_ been involved with a man?" I questioned. It seemed kind of unbelievable that I'd be the first one he'd take a chance on.

Peter shrugged and while he looked a little self-conscious he didn't avoid my question.

"I was what some would call a late bloomer. When I met Charlotte during a summer internship at a small animal hospital, I had very little familiarity with intimacy of any kind. She was so confident, smart, and beautiful that _she _swept _me _off my feet. She was so patient and kind to me as I fumbled my way through learning my job responsibilities and I fell in love with her almost immediately."

I felt a pang of jealously at his declaration. _If he loved her, why were we even having this discussion? _It was silly to feel this way when I'd known he was married_ and_ I had no intention of getting involved with him in _that _way. _But still…_

"Problem is," Peter interrupted my train of thought, "people change and she's grown bitter and unhappy with our lifestyle. She came from money and while she seemed happy with our quaint life as I finished up my degree, she seems to think that I should be making more by now. Sometimes I suspect she never loved me, but that she married me thinking I would provide her with the kind of lifestyle she had growing up," he finished.

His explanation made my heart start to pound a little faster and butterflies came alive in my stomach.

_But are you still together?_

I looked up to Peter so much that I didn't want to be disappointed in him. I was torn as to what answer I wanted to hear. If he was still _with_ her it would make my decision clear-cut. But I didn't _want_ to be disappointed in him. I had put him on a pedestal and I didn't want to knock him down quite yet. However, if their marriage was over, it would be hard to resist him, and any relationship with him would come loaded down with complications.

It hadn't escaped my notice that so far he hadn't pressured me to reciprocate or declare my feelings. He was as patient in this instance as he'd been the entire time I'd worked for him.

"Sooo?" I questioned him. "If you're telling me how you feel, what does this mean?"

_What are you expecting of me?_

He shook his head and disappointment flooded through me. The look on his face said it all.

_This would be cheating._

"I hadn't planned on telling you, this was all spur of the moment," he explained. "But I'm not sorry I did. Clearly I needed to tell you. Its better this way, or I might have gone over the line one day and jumped you or something," he cracked a smile. "That would have created an inexcusable setback in our professional relationship, and I _really_ don't want you to hate me."

We both sat in silence for a moment, but for some unknown reason the tension hadn't returned. I would have expected with Peter's confession a certain pressure would impose itself on me and I'd worry about how to act around him, but for some reason everything felt… all right.

As I continued to contemplate everything Peter had disclosed, our server came with our food and I realized that for the first time in months I had an appetite. Peter, being as winsome as ever, thanked our server and said something to make her giggle. I avoided participating in any conversation and dug into my onion rings.

_Someone liked me. So much that he couldn't help but tell me. _

The thought made me smile and I hid it behind a bite of my food.

The fact that he was married and this was essentially cheating almost made his declaration that much more meaningful. I knew I'd never do anything to encourage his affections, but the lightness I was feeling made me realize I still liked him. Cheater or not, Peter was too damn likeable.

I still had my mouth full of food when Peter, who hadn't yet taken a bite, decided to talk a little more.

"I'd love to spend time with you outside of work," he said as he added some ketchup to his burger, "but if you don't want to now… or later, never, NEVER think your job with me is in jeopardy. You and I work well together, fantastically, and I _really _don't want you to quit. I've been looking forward to working with you full-time since I hired you last fall. Stick with me and you'll know as much as any vet before you even start your undergrad," he added sending me a blinding smile that made me want to grin back at him.

"And, I give you my word, if you don't want anything more than what we already have, it's fine with me. Well, not fine, but I promise you I'm mature enough to handle the disappointment. I will sweep this entire morning under the rug and we can continue as we always have."

Funny thing was. I believed him.

I wanted to ask him more details about his relationship with Charlotte. Like why their phone calls had stopped when she used to call him several times a day, or, how he felt about her now.

He'd said he didn't think she'd ever loved him, but did he still love her? Why did he stay with her?

Even with a million questions running through my head I kept quiet and continued to eat my lunch. If I dug into his relationship I was afraid it might appear that I was considering a relationship beyond what we currently had as friends.

I couldn't. Not with a married man.

It didn't matter how much I liked him I was NOT going there and I didn't want to give him the incorrect impression that I might.

"Doesn't my age bother you?"

I hadn't meant to say anything. Yet, even more than the questions about his marriage, this one detail was nagging to be asked.

"Age? No, why does it bother you?" Peter seemed genuinely confused.

_How can this not be an issue for him?_

"Don't I seem young to you? You're an adult and I'm only a teenager. I haven't even graduated from high school," I explained.

"Oh. Well, you are far from the typical teenager," he sipped his drink as he reflected on my question. "Except for the fact that I dread the fall when you'll be leaving for school, your age doesn't typically enter my consciousness. The gap between us probably seems insignificant because you're so mature. If I had to peg you based on your work ability, decision-making, and our conversations, I'd say we were only a few years apart."

_Fuck. Why couldn't Jasper have felt that way?_

He tipped his head to study me. "Does my age bother you?" he asked.

"No," I answered without pause. "But I've… I've had someone else who was closer in age then us decide that I was too young to date."

Peter sipped his drink again as he mulled over what I'd revealed. I was shocked at his next declaration.

"Jasper is a fucking idiot."

Hearing Jasper's name sent a ripple of pain through my chest. No matter what I thought of him, I didn't like hearing Peter call him an idiot.

_How did he know? _I'd never shared that I had a brief relationship with Jasper. In fact, I don't think I'd ever said the name Jasper in any of our conversations.

"What?" I tried to plead ignorance.

"Jasper, I don't remember his last name; the guy that worked for Carlisle briefly last summer. He's the one you're referring to, no?" Peter said it in the form of a question, but he didn't sound like he expected to be wrong.

"Why would you think that?" I asked, avoiding a direct confirmation.

"It was obvious to me that you two were involved, or at least that he wanted to give me that impression. He was like a watchdog whenever I was around the two of you. I remember he moved to Toronto halfway through the summer with Rosalie Hale. I did some work for Rosalie with one of her colts," he explained. "Anyway, as you can now realize, you've been on my mind a lot lately. I've been consumed trying to figure out why you returned from Toronto last month so upset and I've probably devoted an absurd amount of time trying to determine the reason." He avoided my gaze as he admitted how obsessed he'd been with my private life.

It both frightened me and made me feel warm that someone was so concerned about me. _Me_.

"The way you were moping I figured it had to be a guy. And, since he's the only "older" guy I've connected with you and I know he's living in Toronto, the dots suddenly appear connected. Was I right?"

I could see no reason to deny it.

"Yeah. We had a brief relationship last summer. I ended it when I realized the age difference was going to be a problem for us. Stupidly I'd held out hope that we might renew the relationship when I was a more acceptable age. Last time I was in Toronto, Jasper shot that idea down, permanently."

My chest throbbed with the memory.

"Like I said, he's an idiot," Peter retorted. "You are way too good for him. He is either incredibly stupid, or he was scared that you'd realize he was beneath you and didn't want to get hurt. Anyone who knows _you_, couldn't use age as a legitimate excuse. You may not yet be an official adult, but you are one in every way that counts."

The pain from Jasper's rejection hadn't disappeared, but it dimmed in some way that I couldn't quite decipher. Peter was wrong about Jasper, but his defense of my maturity made me feel better than I had in a long time.

"I don't think he's either of those," I argued. Peter might believe it, but I knew the truth. Jasper was an intelligent guy, and although I didn't necessarily agree with his values, he wasn't rejecting me to avoid getting hurt. "He sees me as a kid and I'm not sure he's interested in _any_ kind of relationship at this point of his life."

Peter shrugged again and picked up his sandwich to eat. My appetite had vanished, but at least I'd finished a good portion this time.

After Peter had paid the bill, something he always did when we ate lunch on a work day, we walked back out to the truck without acknowledging the unanswered question of how we would proceed. No matter how much I like Peter, I knew I couldn't get involved with him, but I didn't know how to broach the topic again.

The rest of the day we worked together as if the question had never been posed and I went home without giving him any kind of answer.

I suppose he might have taken that as an answer in itself.

I was beginning to get the impression that if I was interested the next move was on me.

*****_iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!

Short chapter, but I'll be posting again later in the week.


	39. Chapter 39

My reviewers rock! Here is the next chapter earlier than I'd promised because I was so thrilled with the response to the last chapter.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_After Peter had paid the bill, something he always did when we ate lunch on a work day, we walked back out to the truck without acknowledging the unanswered question of how we would proceed. No matter how much I like Peter, I knew I couldn't get involved with him, but I didn't know how to broach the topic again._

_The rest of the day we worked together as if the question had never been posed and I went home without giving him any kind of answer. _

_I suppose he might have taken that as an answer in itself. _

_I was beginning to get the impression that if I was interested the next move was on me._

_*****iwtfy*****_

Two weeks before graduation I had an unexpected visitor waiting for me when I arrived home.

"Edward," my dad greeted me as I stepped out of my car.

"Dad," I answered back, waiting to see what he wanted. We'd only spoken a handful of times since I'd left home.

"How've you been?" he asked.

"Okay?" I answered, questioning his presence with a lift of my eyebrow.

"I'd like to talk with you. Maybe we could go grab a coffee?"

I was surprised by the uncertainty in my father's voice. I was used to all of our conversations starting with a demand. What didn't surprise me was that my dad would think I actually drink coffee.

"Okay."

My curiosity was piqued as to the nature of this sudden need for conversation, but I didn't see any harm in finding out more. He'd parked his car on the road and I followed him out to it and sat down in the passenger seat with a thump.

As he pulled away from the curb, my dad glanced over at me.

"How'd your school year go?"

"Good. It's hard to believe it's almost over. High school that is."

"You have no idea," my dad grunted. "It seems like yesterday that you were starting kindergarten."`

_Yeah that might happen when you've never bothered to read any of the report cards I've brought home._

"Oh," I had my school bag with me still and I fished out a form I had printed off at school today. "Your visit was perfect timing, I have a form I need you to fill out."

"What kind of form?" my dad asked.

"It's for the student loans I'm applying for. There's a portion about parental income that I need you to fill out."

I'd been procrastinating about filling out the forms because I was worried my dad might refuse to fill them out. I was screwed if that were the case. I was also screwed if they allocated a certain portion to be paid by my parents. I didn't have any confidence that I'd see a dime from them.

"Okay, leave it in the car and I'll get it filled out as soon as I can. What school are you going to?"

Relief flooded through me that he was at least willing to consider the form.

"I decided on Western. It has a good program and I like London."

"Huh," my dad commented. "I had thought you'd planned on U of T, did you not get in?"

I bristled at his assumption. "No, I got in. I got into all three programs I applied to."

I could have explained more about the reason for my choice but I doubted he was even interested.

"Well congratulations son," my dad offered in a voice that sounded like he was reading it rote from a script.

We didn't speak for the rest of the drive. Once we were seated at the coffee shop, him with a coffee, me with frozen lemonade, my dad got to the point of this conversation.

"Aunt Lily wants to come to your graduation."

Of course, my dad's older sister expressed an interest before my parents.

"How are you going to explain your absence if she attends?"

"Emmett and I are planning to go too. I talked to your brother last night and he's already booked off at work. Aunt Lily wants to take us all out to dinner afterward in celebration."

No mention was made of my mother. While I was beyond letting her absence get me down, it didn't exactly bring me pleasure either.

My dad of course had an interest in attending when it meant keeping up appearances with his well-to-do, even more judgmental sister. She was fifteen years older and widowed, and no doubt my ass-kissing dad had first dibs on her inheritance. I wondered how much I could make my family squirm if I declared my sexual orientation at my graduation dinner.

I had to hide my smirk behind a sip of lemonade. I know I'd never do it, at least not before I got the loan application completed, but the idea was fun to picture.

"I only have four tickets to give out and I already promised Carlisle and Esme they could have two of them."

We were only issued four tickets per graduate because of the size of the gymnasium. It was probably possible to get more tickets from those who weren't going to use all four, but I was irritated enough that I didn't want to make the effort. What kind of effort had my dad ever made for me?

"Well you'll have to apologize to them, but in a case like this family comes first."

I couldn't hold back by snort of disbelief.

My father's assumption that I'd simply relinquish to his demands was frustrating and I found my anger bubbling over.

"I don't think so. Carlisle and Esme _will_ be attending," I insisted. "One of the last two tickets will go to Emmett. You can do what you want with the last one."

"Don't be silly Edward. We are your family. Carlisle and Esme have been kind enough to give you a place to stay, but they'll understand when you explain you only have four tickets."

"No," I said determinedly. My dad was right, Carlisle and Esme would totally accept the news with understanding, but it wasn't going to happen. This was one instance where I was _not_ going to back down. "I _want_ Carlisle and Esme there. I'll go to dinner with Aunt Lily afterwards, but I'm not giving her their tickets.

"You're being unreasonable Edward. _I'll _call Carlisle and Esme and explain the circumstances, I'm sure they wouldn't want to exclude your family from such an important event."

"You. Aren't. Listening. To. Me." I ground out, trying to keep my voice from attracting attention but at the same time wanting to make my point clear. "I want _them_ at my graduation. You don't get to make that kind of decision for me."

My dad sighed as if he were dealing with a young child. "We'll talk about it later," he said dismissively. "Did you know your brother has a girlfriend? Her name is Rose and he wants to bring her to your graduation dinner."

_Does he think I don't talk to Emmett?_

"Of course I know about Rosalie."

"Oh," my dad seemed surprised by the implication that I knew Emmett's girlfriend. "Have you met her?"

"I knew her before Emmett. Last summer when she had her horses at Forks. Her brother worked for Carlisle."

"Huh. Is she pretty?" my dad questioned.

"Yeah," I sighed.

_And her brother is even hotter. _

_Why is her looks the first thing he asks about? Wouldn't whether she was nice or not be more important?_

"Is there a girl you'd like to bring to the dinner?" my dad inquired awkwardly. "I didn't know if you had a girlfriend too since I seem to be out of the loop."

"No, no one special in my life right now," I admitted as I stood up to toss my cup in the trash.

_And, if I did have someone special you wouldn't want to hear about it._

*****_iwtfy*****_

"So where is Liz tonight?" my Aunt Lily threw the question out to the table as she laid her coat over the back of her chair. "She didn't want to join us for dinner? I haven't seen her in forever and I'm starting to develop a complex that she doesn't like me," she sniffed.

I glanced over at my dad to see what kind of excuse he would come up with this time.

"She has a migraine and decided it was best to go right home after the ceremony," my dad explained.

My mom hadn't attended my graduation, but I wasn't surprised my dad had lied about it. He probably used my mom as an excuse for not having enough tickets and never even mentioned that Carlisle and Esme were attending.

_Did Aunt Lily even know I haven't lived at home for six months?_

With the exception of Rosalie, it was probably fortunate that none of the non-family guests had arrived yet. At least this way we could get the butchered truth out of the way and not have our dysfunctional family dynamics displayed pathetically before our guests. I was sure Emmett had given Rosalie a pre-game warning as to the way my family worked.

Carlisle and Esme were invited and would be coming after Carlisle stopped at the farm to feed the horses. Peter was stopping by after he finished up his work day. I hadn't planned to have any of them attend, but Emmett had taken it upon himself to make sure we had a bigger party than family only. My dad's brother Wayne was also here and he'd brought his son RJ. I'd never been especially close to my cousin, who was a year older than Emmett, but my dad had four brothers and Wayne was the only one he still talked to.

"She's been suffering from migraines for years, poor girl. My friend Michelle gets them from time to time and at the first sign of them she goes to Urgent Care and they give her a shot. She claims it works wonders. Liz should try Urgent Care," Aunt Lily advised with an air that she knew what was best.

My dad and Aunt Lily were both cut from the same cloth. They both felt they had the answer for everything.

"I'll pass on your suggestion," my dad muttered.

"Sometimes," Rosalie interrupted, "when people refuse to get help it could mean they are depressed."

Her comment was dropped out of nowhere and if I had been eating or drinking I think I would have choked.

_Rosalie may be a bitch, but she gets right to the point. I guess I don't have to ask if Emmett confides in her about Mom and Dad._

I scanned the table taking in everyone's reactions. Aunt Lily's mouth had dropped open in surprise and Dad's face had darkened in anger as he glared at Emmett. My brother was looking a little sheepish, while Rosalie continued to look regal and stoic. Uncle Wayne and RJ looked eager, almost as if they'd unexpectedly been dropped into front row seats to an MMA fight.

No one continued to speak and Rosalie rolled her eyes when she realized her statement was going to be left untouched.

_Yeah, we're all a bunch of cowards._

"Okay bro, you have to tell me – what's up with that Jessica girl thinking she can sing," Emmett steered the conversation away from the topic of our mother.

Jessica was one of my fellow graduates and she'd always had an unrealistic estimation of her singing talent. Somehow she'd convinced the graduation committee that she should sing a solo of _Wind Beneath My Wings_. It took all my power inside to keep from cringing as she missed the high notes during the performance.

"I think we'll be seeing her on American Idol soon," I joked. "She'll be one of the spotlighted contestants who's unaware of how bad she sounds and leaves the judges speechless with her performance."

"Oh, that would be fucking hilarious!" Emmett laughed.

"Emmett! Watch your language young man," Aunt Lily admonished.

"Hey Ed," Peter greeted me as he stood by the table looking around at the other guests with a friendly smile. "Emmett," he nodded his head at my brother.

Emmett stood up and welcomed Peter to our motley crew by shaking his hand and pointing to an empty chair next to Rosalie.

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I realized this was the first time Peter had seen me in a dress shirt and tie. I wondered if I looked as nerdy as I felt.

"This is Edward's boss Dr. Tremblay," he introduced Peter to my family. "He's the one responsible for Edward staying in Forks for one more summer." Emmett turned to Aunt Lily and explained a little more. "He's teaching Edward all his veterinary voodoo secrets." Emmett wiggled his fingers like what Peter does is really magic.

Peter sat down at the table and said a quiet hello to Rosalie next to him.

She sat imperiously in her seat and barely acknowledged his presence.

_Does she share the same fucked up suspicions as her brother?_

Peter reached across the table and handed me an envelope. "A little graduation gift, it should help buy you some textbooks in the fall. Congratulations Buddy."

I took the envelope and thanked him. Despite the declaration of his feelings back in May, Peter never pressured me to reciprocate nor did he even push me to respond to his request to spend time together outside of work. His laid-back demeanor continued unabated and his promise of to sweep the whole incident under-the-rug had been authentic. His wife's continued silence from calling during our work day was yet unexplained, and I'd been curious when we'd stopped at his house briefly to pick up something he'd forgotten and I'd noticed he had a For Sale sign on his front lawn. Despite my curiosity I never asked about why she never called or why he might be selling.

Yet, if anyone's resolve to keep our relationship strictly professional and platonic was being tested it was my own. Initially when he'd shared how he felt about me I'd made up my mind to ignore any attraction I felt for Peter, and to abstain from that point on from using his image for any sort of self-gratification. It blurred the lines too much and I didn't want to get involved with a married man, it went against my moral fiber. Yet, even as I returned to Internet porn to fuel my fantasies, I couldn't deny how this man turned me on almost every time we worked together. The things he'd said about me, coupled with the way he'd handled the whole situation was difficult to lay aside. I'd been forced to buy my first bottle of lube to keep the chafing down.

_If only he wasn't married. _

Esme and Carlisle showed up moments later, and as they sat down the server presented herself for their drink requests. By the time our drinks were sorted out and the appetizers Emmett had ordered had arrived, the table had broken up in to separate conversations. My aunt, uncle, dad, Esme and Carlisle at one end of the table, and Emmett, Rosalie, RJ, Peter and I at the other.

"So Edward, Emmett said you're going to school in London. I was under the impression you were going to attend U of T. What changed your mind?" Rosalie inquired.

If I hadn't suspected Jasper's input I might not have noticed the tightening around Rosalie's eyes.

"Yeah bro! I thought we were going to be living in the same city in the fall. I've been telling everyone at work that my brother was moving to T.O."

I glanced up at Peter to see if he was paying attention to their line of inquiry. Sure enough he was watching me with an intense gaze that made my heart skip.

"I don't know," I shrugged and sat back in my chair. "I guess the last time I visited I realized how little I liked the city."

It was a knock at Jasper and I was hoping Rosalie got my point and eased off.

"What?" Emmett sincerely sounded surprised. "You don't like Toronto?"

"No man," I responded. "It's too full of itself. Toronto thinks it's the center of the country and no one from anywhere else can be as good as they are."

Rosalie sat forward as if she was ready to respond when Peter interjected.

"How can you stand the traffic?"

"I don't drive," Emmett admitted. "I live at the Track and when I leave I take the TTC to the subway and I go anywhere from there. It's a big city and having a vehicle is more of an inconvenience than a benefit. Public transportation rocks. Besides, my boss lets me borrow the stable truck if I really need it." He'd used the stable truck when he'd sprung a surprise visit on me last summer.

"The traffic isn't that bad," Rosalie sniffed. "If what you desire is to be found in the city then timing is everything."

_Is that another jab at me? Does she not understand that her brother doesn't want me?_

"So, London then. I've heard Western is a bit of a party school," Emmett added.

"Rumors," I scoffed. "Western is as serious a school as any other. What do you know about higher education anyway?" I countered.

It was a low blow at my brother's lack of education and I immediately felt guilty for making such a comment. I was letting Rosalie's acrimonious nature get to me.

"Wow, you got that right," Emmett admitted with his usual good humor. "Can't keep up with you – you high school graduate." To make things worse he leaned over the table and gave me a friendly punch to the shoulder.

I felt like a heel as Emmett radiated playfulness and merriment.

Rosalie didn't share his forgiving nature. "So _E_, I suppose you've looked into Western's LGBT. How does it compare to U of T's?"

Everything in me locked down and my head started to pound.

_What does she think this is going to prove? What is her agenda?_

I quickly looked to see if my dad or aunt had overheard her. When I could see they hadn't being paying her any attention I leaned forward, the tension in body was making my muscles ache.

"What is the matter with you?" I whispered angrily.

Emmett, surprised by my reaction, turned to Rosalie. "Rosie, what is the LGBT?"

I noticed RJ taking an interest in the direction of our conversation and I cringed. I no longer cared what kind of reaction my family would have when they found out my sexual orientation, but having it exposed at a restaurant, at my graduation dinner no less, was far from ideal.

"Shut it _Rose_," I hissed. "She can explain it later Em," I tried to placate my brother's growing curiosity.

The last thing I wanted was a scene with my family that I could easily see breaking out into a shouting match.

"So how about those Blue Jays?" Peter offered and I smiled weakly at his attempt to humor me and relieve some of the tension around the table.

Emmett continued to volley his gaze between his girlfriend and me, a frown puckered between his brows.

"For God's sake Emmett," Rosalie complained. She leaned into Emmett and whispered in his ear.

Emmett's expression cleared as he now understood what had caused my animosity. "Rosalie, give the kid a break. It's his graduation dinner," he said in disappointment.

_Which one of us was he disappointed in?_

"I'm surprised you haven't asked about Jasper, Edward," Rosalie smiled coyly. "He's become very active in…" she glanced over at my dad, who wasn't paying her the least attention. "… the chapter of the organization we were just discussing. You two used to be friends. What happened?"

"I think that would be something you might want to ask your brother about."

"Who's Jasper?" RJ inquired, obviously trying to get a handle on our purposefully cryptic conversation.

"Rosalie's brother," Emmett filled him in. "He worked with Edward last summer and they were friends."

A foot tapped mine and I looked up to see Peter offering me a secretive smile of support. His friendly, casual attitude gave me the presence of mind to relax.

"Huh," RJ sounded bored with the discussion and asked the question on all our minds. "Did the Jays win this afternoon?"

*****_iwtfy*****_

After dinner I'd offered an appropriate thank you for the gifts to my relatives and we'd stepped out of the restaurant to the parking lot. To my relief, my dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin departed quickly. I'd ridden to the restaurant with Emmett and Rosalie, but I had no intention of heading home with them. During dinner Rosalie had intentionally tried to push my buttons and I couldn't understand why she despised me so much.

"Carlisle, could you give me a ride home?" I asked, figuring it wouldn't put them too much out since they were probably heading home anyways. Esme was still in the restaurant using their facilities.

"I would but we're heading across the border to make a quick grocery run and fill up the truck," Carlisle apologized. "You know, you can invite Emmett and Rosalie to hang out at our place. Our home is your home, remember," Carlisle gave me a look of reprimand.

"Sure. Thanks Carlisle. For attending my graduation, the present, and for…everything."

Carlisle enveloped me in a hug and whispered that he was proud of me. At that moment Esme came out of the restaurant to join the rest of us and her look of happiness when she spied Carlisle embracing me made me feel snug and warm. They really were my family now. Esme took her turn to squeeze me tightly and whisper her own praise.

As they got into their truck, Peter stepped up to shake my hand.

"Congratulations Edward. See ya on the weekend."

"Thanks Peter. Saturday's the big day, eh?" Saturday I would be starting full-time as Peter's assistant.

"Saturday," he nodded and he walked off alone toward his truck.

I purposely kept my gaze away from his retreating back. Rosalie was like a shark circling for the best opportunity to strike and I had no intention of giving her anything to sink her teeth into.

"Trying to ditch us were you?" Emmett joked, oblivious that he was actually correct.

"Something like that," I joked back.

"Too bad about Peter and Charlotte," Emmett commented as he watched Peter walk away. "They had a sweet setup being a husband and wife team."

Goosebumps formed on my upper arms.

"What do you mean?" I asked. A feeling that I'd missed something vital sent my pulse racing a little quicker.

"Didn't you hear him telling us they've separated?"

_What? _

"He was in the restroom during that conversation," Rosalie butted in as she slid up beside me. "Conveniently," she murmured only loud enough for only me to hear.

"I had no idea," I muttered shaking my head. "He doesn't talk about his personal life."

_Why hadn't he told me?_

"Well, let's get going bro."

I followed Emmett and Rose to her truck, thoughts swirling like a snow during a blizzard, falling rapidly, changing direction, never landing.

Slipping into their backseat I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the window. The stress that flowed through my nerves throughout dinner had settled in the front part of my head, directly behind my eyes.

"So Edward," I could feel Rosalie turn to look at me from the front passenger seat. She'd let Emmett drive, probably to keep him happy. Taking charge of driving her around appealed to his protective side. "Do you _ever_ talk to my brother?"

I popped one eye open to look at her.

"No," I answered, closing my eye again.

_Would she ever give up?_

Emmett interjected. "Rose," he warned. "What were you trying to accomplish at dinner? Why do you keep bringing up Jasper?"

Rosalie ignored Emmett's questions and kept her focus strictly on me.

"So you don't talk at all?"

I couldn't see where she was going with her line of inquiry, but it was doing little to distract me from the pounding headache I was experiencing.

"Not at all," I answered warily. "Not that it's any of your business."

"Yeah babe, why are you so driven to force a friendship between Jazz and Eddie? My brother's got a hectic life as it is and isn't Jazz busy enough with his boyfriend and school?"

_Jazz? _I didn't like it. He was Jay, not Jazz.

My eyes popped open.

_His boyfriend?_

_Jasper has a boyfriend?_

_No. I had to have fucking heard him wrong. _

"Jasper has a boyfriend?" I didn't want to hear the answer, but the question involuntarily slipped out before I could direct my out-of-control mouth to stay quiet.

It was Emmett who responded.

"Sure. They've been together… how long has it been babe? Three months?"

"About that," Rosalie answered with a smirk on her face. "His name is Collin and he's a graduate student in computer sciences."

I wished I'd tuned her out earlier. _Like I fucking wanted to hear details about that… that guy. _I wasn't ready to add a name to the… whatever the fuck it was.

_He'd said he didn't want a relationship. He said he didn't do relationships._

_Three months…_ _that would mean when I visited Toronto he already had a…_

I sat up straighter and brushed the hurt away before I let it set in.

It didn't matter, _I'd given up on Jasper, remember?_ We weren't even friends anymore. The next time I saw him he would just be some guy I used to know.

_*****iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	40. Chapter 40

OMG. The response I received from last chapter inspired me to keep writing. Usually I switch between my fan fic and my original work, but today I had to keep writing IWTFY. Thank you for all the reviews – they will be answered early next week!

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

This one is short.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_He'd said he didn't want a relationship. He said he didn't do relationships._

_Three months…_ _that would mean when I visited Toronto he already had a…_

_I sat up straighter and brushed the hurt away before I let it set in._

_It didn't matter, I'd given up on Jasper, remember? We weren't even friends anymore. The next time I saw him he would just be some guy I used to know. _

_*****iwtfy*****_

Except he wouldn't.

How could he be just _some guy_, when he was my first experience with love?

What was it they said - you never forget your first?

And if that isn't enough stacked against Jasper becoming a distant memory, our siblings relationship added another element that might keep the link from completely breaking.

I pinched my nose as I tried to relieve a little of the pressure behind my eyes.

"Do you mind if we drop you off and hit the road?" Emmett asked as he turned into Carlisle's driveway. "It's getting late and we need to work tomorrow."

"No, I'm tired too," I admitted with relief. I wanted to be as far away from Rosalie Hale as humanly possible. If my head weren't throbbing so much I might have taken the opportunity to tell her what I really thought of her and her brother.

I pulled myself out of the truck and came around the driver's side. I rapped on Emmett's window and he rolled it down.

"Thanks for attending my graduation Em. I'll call you next week."

We tapped knuckles together and I retreated without acknowledging the artic breeze that blew at me from the passenger seat. It wasn't completely her fault; she was a bitch, but at the same time she was obviously misinformed in some basic but important facts about her brother and I.

I trudged off toward the front door, hoping I could make it into the house without breaking down completely. The house was dark and without Esme's warm presence it suddenly felt unfamiliar.

I'd never felt so alone.

When I heard the driver's door open and footsteps rapidly catching up to mine, I thought maybe my disdain for Rosalie and my deliberate snubbing of her had caught my brother's attention. I wasn't sure if he'd listen to my side before getting angry and I felt my shoulders tighten involuntarily.

_Emmett is __**not**__ going to hit you._

I must not have completely believed it because I tensed even further when he bounded up the steps and popped up beside me.

"Hey bro, I need to use the head before I hit the road. It will take only a moment."

"Sure," I responded as my shoulders relaxed.

The noise of the truck backing out of the driveway threw me, but I didn't turn around; I hadn't wanted either of them to see the conflicting expressions on my face. I was barely holding it together.

"Where is your girlfriend going?"

"Oh, she's gonna go fill up the truck and pick up some coffees for the road."

I was surprised Emmett hadn't insisted on going with her. He was usually more protective than that, being that it's late and everything. Then again, since living in Toronto, Emmett seems to see Forks as quaint, quiet, and safe.

When we got into the house I pointed out the washroom on the main floor to Emmett and then headed down to my room to find some ibuprofen. Emmett came into the kitchen as I filled a glass with water from the fridge.

"Talk to me Ed. What's going on? What was Rosalie insinuating?"

I should have known Emmett wasn't going to let it rest. He was far more perceptive than I gave him credit for.

I sighed and put the kettle on to boil before I downed the three pills I'd brought upstairs with me. Two were not going to cut through this headache.

"I'm not sure what Rosalie seems to think happened, but I'll tell you my side."

_*****iwtfy*****_

I should have trusted my brother would listen to my side before judging. Although, he wasn't exactly _against_ Rosalie, he wasn't pleased with how she'd treated me. After spilling my story to Emmett and admitting how deeply my feelings for Jasper ran, he patted my leg and told me he was proud of me. He'd spent a lot of time around Jasper over the past year and he said he was surprised by how he'd treated me so thoughtlessly, and like Esme, he wondered if Jasper wasn't confused about how he felt as well.

I made sure not to make any mention of Peter. It would have been a good time to share everything, but there was something about the Peter situation that I didn't want to share with anyone. I wasn't ready for anyone to weigh in with their opinions.

"He's out of the condo a lot, so I don't see him all that much anymore. Rosalie has been genuinely worried about him over the winter and she felt he'd been going through a dark spell. I thought maybe she was exaggerating because he didn't seem all that down to me, but then I'm used to Mom and having her disappear in her room for months at a time. Jasper didn't seem to slow down or sleep too much so I guess I dismissed her concerns that it couldn't be very serious."

It bothered me that Emmett still had it wrong. He apologized for Rosalie, but he still gave weight to her warped idea that Jasper was troubled. Jasper hadn't been upset over me and he seemed perfectly content the times I'd seen or talked with him. Content enough to find a new boyfriend and basically treat me like crap.

Emmett continued to justify his girlfriend's behavior.

"I'm sorry she talked to you the way she did. I'm positive she doesn't have the whole story and she's really protective of her brother so she's unfairly jumped to conclusions about you. You have no idea the kind of family history they have. It's really warped. Like worse than ours."

I snorted in disbelief. I knew Jasper was sensitive about his background, but had he been treated like he was a mistake that couldn't be rescinded? No, when I remembered the smile on his face as he told me about his mom, there was no way his family compared to mine. Being Dad's favorite, Emmett obviously didn't have the same family experience I did.

"I never would have so offhandedly mentioned him having a boyfriend if I'd have known the history between you too. I thought it hadn't been more than a crush for you and since you guys hadn't worked out early on and appeared to be friendly…" his words dried up as his expression pleaded with me to forgive him.

"I know that Em. I never told you any different."

I rubbed my forehead again hoping we could change the discussion away from Jasper. The pressure wasn't building, but it hadn't subsided either.

Apparently Emmett hadn't heard my silent request.

"I've never met _him_. Collin. Jasper never brings him around," Emmett admitted.

A small sliver of pleasure, the first all night, wound its way through me. It meant nothing, but for some reason I liked hearing that this _guy_ hadn't been fully integrated into Jasper's life, and it helped that Emmett hadn't yet been friendly with him. The way I felt didn't make sense, but I didn't dwell on it either.

Emmett took his phone out and glanced at the time. He jumped up almost immediately.

"Holy shit! It's been 45 minutes. Where is she?"

He pulled back the curtains from the front window and breathed a sigh of relief when he noted the truck parked in the driveway.

"She must have gotten here a while ago and was giving us time to talk," he explained. "Would it be okay if on the drive back I told her some of what you told me?"

"About Jasper and I?"

"Yeah," he agreed. "If she knew more about what actually happened I think you'd find her warming up to you."

"Sure," I shrugged. I doubted it would melt the layer of ice that protected her, but if it at least removed some of the active antagonism it might bring some peace to future get-togethers.

"Okay, well get up here bro and give me a hug. And next time you know you can always talk to me.

*****_iwtfy*****_

It was exactly one year ago that I'd fallen asleep in the movie theatre and driven Bella home only to have her pull that prank on me.

_So_ much had changed.

I had loved and lost, but I'd finally come to terms with it and moved on.

I'd come out at school and my friends now knew the real me.

I'd put on about twenty-five pounds over the course of the year, most of it muscle, and I had even grown a few more inches. I still wasn't Emmett-sized, but I was no longer referred to as 'Little Cullen.'

I was eighteen, a legal adult, old enough to vote and voluntarily join the military.

I was a high school graduate.

And, best of all, I didn't dread going home to deal with my parents. I had people that chose to care about me and I had solid plans for my future.

Tonight, to silently celebrate how much had changed over the course of a year, I'd suggested going to the movies with my friends. And, this time I hadn't been so tired that I fell asleep during the movie. My job with Peter didn't require five a.m. mornings, it more of a nine-to-five job, and I could even sleep in on occasion.

Life was good.

Probably _too_ good.

The feeling that I could take on the world was making me exuberant and as I drove Bella home I found myself confessing how my feelings for Peter were changing. Granted, they were nothing like those I'd held for Jasper, but I was beginning to wonder if he wasn't what I needed.

And when Bella pointed out that this could merely be a rebound relationship for him, I found the idea didn't bother me. I didn't plan to let it last for more than the summer.

*****_iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	41. Chapter 41

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story will have explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_The feeling that I could take on the world was making me exuberant and as I drove Bella home I found myself confessing how my feelings for Peter were changing. Granted, they were nothing like those I'd held for Jasper, but I was beginning to wonder if he wasn't what I needed. _

_And when Bella pointed out that this could merely be a rebound relationship for him, I found the idea didn't bother me. I didn't plan to let it last for more than the summer. _

*****_iwtfy*****_

"What are your plans for tonight?" I asked as we returned a seven year old gelding to his stall. I found it disturbing how some trainers will run mediocre horses until they're so broken down they can't even _give_ them away as riding ponies.

"Actually," Peter started. Before continuing he cleared his throat awkwardly. "I have to be out of my house for most of the evening. My real estate agent has several showings lined up."

I'd been working up the nerve to make my new feelings apparent, but I hadn't quite been able to break through my fear that I'd already taken too long and that his interest in me had waned. In recent weeks the glances we'd exchanged had increased in temperature, but nothing had yet transpired. Something told me this was the opportunity I needed to take advantage of.

_Well Edward, now or never._

"You could hang out with me," I offered, holding my breath in anticipation while trying to appear casual, like his answer wouldn't have any significant effect upon me. "We could watch the game tonight, or play some X-box. I have NHL 13, have you ever played?" I was rambling. My strategy was to pose enough questions and then my first question wouldn't be left dangling in the air all alone.

The picture of Peter in my room with only my bed to sit on was making my dick twitch in anticipation. While I waited for his answer my stomach leaped up into my throat and I forgot to breathe.

"No, I have a Wii that I've hardly touched, but I haven't played an X-box game since my university days. I uh, would love to come over. Are you sure Carlise and Esme won't mind?"

The breath I was holding came whooshing out in an embarrassingly loud way.

Esme has always encouraged me to have friends over, but I wasn't sure how they'd feel about my _friend_ being Peter. Our eleven year age gap would probably concern them. Yet, I was an adult now and I felt confident that they'd respect any decisions I made. It wasn't like I was jumping into this without careful thought – I'd been considering the complications for months.

"Of course not. They suggest I bring friends over all the time. They also respect my privacy." _Did you catch that Peter? _I didn't look at Peter while I made my last comment and I could feel the red patches on my cheeks and neck darkening.

_Why was it so awkward to suggest I want more? _

"What time should I come over? Or did you want to go grab some dinner first?"

I couldn't keep a smile from lighting up my face.

"Dinner sounds good. Do you have to go home before you come over?"

"Yeah, I'd have to let Murphy out of his cage for few minutes and then I'm all yours."

_Uh, did he say 'yours'? _Blood rushed to various extremities, making my ears turn pink and another area hard. I resisted the urge to shift, worried that it would only bring attention to my growing problem.

"Okay, well I can meet you somewhere to eat. How about Happy Dragons? Do you like Chinese food?"

"Sure, is that one of the places on the Parkway?"

The Parkway was the short name for the Niagara Parkway, a road that ran along the Niagara River from Forks, through Niagara Falls and all the way to Niagara-On-The-Lake, a picturesque town known for its wineries. For some reason, Forks, had four Chinese Food restaurants and three strip-joints all within two blocks, and they'd all been in business since my parents were children. Why this small town needed four Chinese restaurants in one spot I'll never understand. The strip joints, well that is to be expected since we're a border town and our drinking age is lower than New York State. Also, as Mike has unnecessarily informed me, unlike in the U.S. the strippers on this side get completely naked, not just topless. _Eww. _

My personal theory on how the restaurants stayed in business was that they were in a symbiotic relationship with the strip joints. They stayed open until 4 a.m. and there were probably a lot of hungry, drunk guys who wandered over to the restaurants for some grub after a hard, pun intended, night of ogling the ladies, and by using the term 'ladies' I'd say I'm being extremely generous. _Would it be too repetitive for me to say eww again?__  
><em>

"It is. Happy Dragon's has a patio where we can eat and watch the beautiful Buffalo skyline."

I'd been joking around, but after I said it I realized it might have sounded like I was trying to be romantic or something. Peter responded before I could correct the possible misconception.

"Okay," Peter agreed. "Sounds like a plan."

He smiled at me with one side of his mouth quirked up higher than the other and I felt a burst of anticipation. I couldn't help but return his smile with one of my own.

_*****iwtfy***** _

We were finished for the day. Peter had already left for home to let Murphy out and I was walking alone toward the track gate when I heard someone call out to me.

"Hey Edward, come on over here. We have a question for ya."

I recognized Levi, a groom Fred sometimes got a ride with and someone I'd never said more than hello to. He was standing with a group of guys who ranged in age from eighteen to forty and they were all smoking, a few had even cracked open a few beers. Fred wasn't amongst them. They were all what I'd considered the undesirables of the Track.

I veered off toward them without a second thought. I'd gotten used to working for Peter and we often had people call us over to arrange some work.

It was when I got about ten feet away that I had my first sensation that something might be amiss but I dismissed the feeling and continued on. I never listened to that paranoid side of me, it ran too sensitive and I'd had too many false alarms.

"So Golden Boy, why is it you're still here in Forks? Don't you know we don't let faggots work here?"

His words hit me like a punch and I was surprised I hadn't recoiled. Even having had my hackles raised, hearing Levi's voice dripping with distaste and loathing had still caught me off-guard.

_Okay, next time trust your intuition Edward._

My blood ran cold and I immediately stiffened and stopped approaching.

_Did he really just use that hateful word?_

I opened my mouth to respond, but to my disbelief the men around Levi made a show of encouragement as they twittered in anticipation of a confrontation and I abruptly shut my mouth.

My boxing training was awakened as I swallowed the sharp retort that immediately came to mind. Whatever I could say, I knew my words would fall on deaf ears and anything witty would go over their heads. I could call them something rude or tell them to fuck off, but I couldn't make myself fall to their level. My fists curled into a familiar position and I moved to follow my gut reaction which was to plow ahead and rock a few skulls.

_Not a good idea._

I almost cried out with the unfairness of the situation. I wanted so badly to ignore common sense and batter some enlightenment into Levi's pea-sized brain. My fists continued to curl and uncurl as I halted my approach and a sounder reasoning and self-preservation took hold.

The _last_ thing I wanted to do was run like a pussy, and I was positive by avoiding the confrontation I'd only encourage this treatment to continue.

My anger was still amping up as I struggled to make the correct choice. I could take on Levi and maybe two of these guys, but five or six at once wasn't a fair fight. As I studied their body language, my newly honed fighter instinct predicted at least three of them were ready and willing to brawl. No doubt the others would join in to help their friends if needed, pack mentality and all that.

It was with great regret that I turned on my heel to leave. I was shaking with the injustice of it all.

The guys didn't follow, but like the ignorant assholes they were they took the opportunity to yell out more derogatory remarks to my back.

"What u runnin' from faggot?" One of them yelled after me in a hostile tone.

"He probably has some cupcakes about to burn!" A different voice interjects in a fake soprano voice and his laughter is joined by the others.

"No," a third voice cackled. "Did you see how fast he came over here when he saw we were a group of men? The fairy probably thought we'd let him suck our cocks."

That last comment garnered the most laughter and the need to hit someone burned deep inside me. Listening to the encouragement they heaped onto each stupid, deprecating comment I doubted most of them had even graduated middle school.

I didn't turn around, not once, but the image of exactly which guys were standing in the group was permanently etched into my brain and I wondered why cruelty always expanded to encompass a whole group when it might have only started with a few.

_A bad day at the track is better than a good day anywhere else._

It was a saying my brother loved to expound and was commonly felt amongst track workers.

There were times when I had felt that way too, but at this moment I couldn't think of a less apt statement. Any other workplace and I'd have protection from this kind of treatment. I loved working with thoroughbreds, but I knew in my heart that once I left for university I'd never work here again. I still planned to become an equine veterinarian, but in a different capacity. Horse racing did not welcome me and I just didn't have it in me to fight tooth and nail to make a living where I wasn't welcome.

I'd always known in my heart that I wouldn't stay here for my career, but I hadn't realized until this moment how much that would hurt. Except for the intolerance, I loved everything about working at the track. But the intolerance wasn't going to magically disappear, not during my lifetime. The subordinate positions at the track were low paying and mostly filled with uneducated and a virtually unemployable section of the population. Ignorance breeds hostility and my being 'out' wasn't going to ever be kosher in this atmosphere.

When I finally reached my car I was breathing hard and still shaking. I hated how impotent a group of ignorant, short-witted men could make me feel.

_Fuck!_

I only barely resisted hitting my car.

*****_iwtfy*****_

"What's the matter?" Peter asked as soon as he sat down at the table.

It was a testament to how well he'd gotten to know me and how closely he paid attention because I'd worked hard to remove all traces of my anger and sit here as casually as possible.

"Nothing," I responded automatically.

On the drive to the restaurant I'd considered how much to tell Peter. He was my boss after all and the harassment I'd experienced had a strong possibility of escalating. With careful consideration I'd ultimately decided against it. I didn't doubt that he would help, but Peter's career was at Forks and I needed to keep him away from any suspicion. He didn't need the grooms questioning his sexual orientation too.

I had only five more weeks at Forks and I needed a strategy to keep me from being alone in a situation with those particular workers. Yet, I had the dilemma that involving anyone else in this situation could cause more problems than it solved.

Emmett was a perfect example. With his temper and need to protect he could end up arrested for assault or worse yet, banned from Ontario racetracks. This was his livelihood, and with his lack of education he didn't have a lot of choices. Besides, if it ever did come to violence, I knew I was equipped to give as good as I got. I'd joined Tony's for this very reason. If it happened again maybe I could humiliate a few of them when they got beat by a 'fairy'.

Peter frowned at my response. Obviously the man didn't believe my answer.

"Seriously Peter, I'm fine. Can't a man have his secrets once-in-awhile?" I asked with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood and add a bit of flirtation to the mix.

"Sure," Peter drawled out, confusion mixed in his eyes with what I hoped was a flicker of lust. He seemed to contemplate what I'd said but I could tell when he made the decision to move to a different topic. He leaned over the table, keeping his hands to himself, but smiling invitingly. "I'm really very happy you invited me out Edward. This is so much better than driving to Niagara Falls to watch another movie by myself."

Dinner progressed well with surprisingly little awkwardness. We shared several family style platters and bagged up the leftovers to take home. Conversation was easy as always and I found we had loads in common beyond our interest in horses. In some ways it felt less like a date and more like hanging out with a buddy, maybe because neither of us made any attempt to touch the other and we'd come in separate vehicles. I wasn't completely one-hundred-percent sure we were on the same page, but I planned to make the distinction clear when we got to my room.

As we left the restaurant, Peter stopped by my car and asked again if it was still okay that he stop by. The insecure look that crossed his face made me want to step forward and kiss him. I resisted. The confrontation at the track and the shame of feeling like a pushover was still sitting like a poisonous lump in my stomach, and I couldn't fathom an open display of affection on the streets of this backward town.

Not tonight, and not for our first kiss.

Instead I reached a hand out and squeezed his arm while reassuring him that I wanted his company. When he stepped away with what I perceived as reluctance, I hopped into my car and adjusted my rearview so I could stare at his retreating form.

I was suddenly eager to be racing home.

Pulling into the driveway I noticed both Esme and Carlisle's vehicles were parked, so I moved to the left of their cars to make sure they could back out if they needed. To avoid pacing in the driveway I stayed seated in my car and waited with barely concealed enthusiasm for Peter's truck to pull up out front. When it did I had to force myself to calm down and try to appear casual. I pulled myself out of the front seat with exaggerated slowness and tucked my hands into my pockets to keep from wringing them.

Peter walked up the driveway and I immediately noticed a sparkle in his eye.

"So this is where you hang your hat," he remarked. "It looks pretty nice."

I snickered at his underwhelming comment. Esme had refurbished a huge, old farm house with a mammoth wrap-around porch. But it was her gardens that really stood-out. They swept out an all sides of the house and were sculpted in the front in the shape of a Y. At this time of year it was magnificent to see how her many coloured tulips popped up in flawless patterns of red, pink, and yellow. I still didn't know how she kept the garden blooming so perfectly without a gardener while she worked full-time hours as an interior designer. One time I'd offered to pull some weeds for her, but after she administered a quick test of my green thumb skills she politely declined in the most innocuous way. It wasn't until I was back inside the house that I'd realized she'd declined because my skills weren't up to her standards. I couldn't blame her.

"Come on in, the house is even _nicer_ on the inside," I bantered.

As I held the front door open I took the opportunity to take a few calming breaths. I kind of hoped that by inviting him over he'd realize I was indicating my interest in something more, but I knew there was still a strong possibility I'd have to make the first move. Peter had been clear he wouldn't pressure me and so far everything had worked exactly as he'd promised.

I'd have preferred to slip downstairs with Peter undetected, but we had leftovers from the restaurant and the containers were too big for the small fridge I had in the basement. With bated breath I touched Peter's back and indicated the direction of the kitchen. At this time of the evening it was highly probable that Esme would still be in the vicinity.

"Hi Edward. Oh, good evening Dr. Tremblay," Esme greeted us with a surprised look on her face. I could see the cogs turning in her brain as she tried to figure out what having Peter over meant. "What are you boys… guys up to?"

I paused as I considered what to say. I wasn't ashamed of pursuing a relationship with Peter, but the age difference was substantial and I knew it wouldn't come without judgment. I also didn't know what Peter did or didn't want people to know.

"Evening Esme," Peter acknowledged her before I could explain. "Edward was kind enough to invite me over when he found out I was kicked out of my house."

Esme raised her eyebrows at his comment and I found it amusing to observe Peter scrambling to explain in better detail.

"My house has some showings tonight. I need to keep my fingers crossed that they go well because the market is so over saturated at this moment," Peter quickly explained.

"Oh! Good luck! I know the market isn't moving much right now but the summer really is the best season to sell. Families usually like to be settled into new homes in time for the start of the school year. Let me know if you and Charlotte need any help with the new place when you move. After how well you've taken care of Edward I'll have to give you a real discount," she offered with a wink.

Peter coughed uncomfortably and I squirmed. Her last statement could be construed as encouragement for what we were contemplating, but I knew for a fact Esme had no idea how close she'd hit. I felt slightly guilty for her keeping her in the dark, but it wasn't the time for spilling secrets. Her inclusion of Charlotte bothered me, but I knew Peter didn't like to air his dirty laundry at work, so the rumors about their separation had so far been non-existent.

"Thanks Esme, we'll keep that in mind."

"Did you want to use the TV in the family room? I'll be watching a couple of home repair shows in the living room, but I figure you boys are probably more interested in watching some sport or other."

"No," I quickly interrupted, finally finding my voice. Whether we watched a game or not, I had every intention of spending our time in my bedroom, alone. I was _not_ going to lose this opportunity. "We're probably going to play some X-box. I promised Peter we'd try out NHL 13. He hasn't played for years and he needs to see how much it's improved," I explained, praying at the same time that Peter took the hint and didn't mention some game he'd been hoping to see.

"Oh, well enjoy your evening guys," Esme offered as she quickly exited the kitchen.

I put the containers in the fridge and put my hand in Peter's pulling him along quickly behind me. It wasn't until I'd taken a few steps and the feel of his warm, softer hand in mine that I realized what I'd done. The fact that he'd allowed my hand to stay in his gave me encouragement that we were probably on the same page and I paused to turn and smile at him. The look of nervous intensity in Peter's brown eyes and the way he gripped my hand even harder made my stomach flip.

I couldn't get us to my room fast enough. On the way down the stairs to my room I turned and pushed him down to sit on one of the steps. I stepped back and down two steps. Then, putting my hands down on the step he was sitting on, caged him in and leaned in to kiss him. My kiss wasn't soft or sweet, it was swift and eager and I was quick to open my mouth and encourage his tongue to come out.

I wanted him, and now that we were alone I felt like I was ready to burst.

_This… this was what I needed to forget the abasement of this afternoon. _

"Edward," Peter murmured between kisses; kisses that he was returning with equal enthusiasm. "_Please_."

_God it was so hot to hear him beg._

I dipped my body down lower and pushed myself between his legs. My dick, that had been half hard all through dinner, was hard as steel and I could feel the pre-cum leaking out the tip. The anticipation of having someone other than myself touching it made me almost want to whip it out right there. I settled for a quick pass along the inside of his thigh, jeans against jeans, and I felt my eyes roll up in my head.

"Holy fuck Ed," Peter moaned.

"My room?" I questioned, making sure he was comfortable with how this was progressing.

Not getting any kind of vocal response, I stopped kissing him and pulled him up again. I groaned when I noticed how his crotch was now level with my face and his cock was responding in a similar fashion to my own.

I licked my lips with desire and jerked my head in the direction of my room. When he nodded in agreement I nearly fell down the stairs in my eagerness.

*****_iwtfy*****_

Would it be foolish to warn you that next chapter will be somewhat lemony?

F.Y.I. Edward will confide in someone about the harassment. Who do you think he'll turn to?

Thanks for reading!

Slash I'm reading and recommending: _Have You Ever Thought? _by ArieRae, _I Can Learn _by dellaterra, _Sometimes _by marriedmyedward, _Driven to Distraction _by AbstractSong101, and _Sweet Young Thing _by naelany.


	42. Chapter 42

I can't express my appreciation enough for all the reviews and feedback I've received! I'll be catching up on my responses this afternoon.

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story has explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_I licked my lips with desire and nodded my head in the direction of my room. When he nodded in agreement I nearly fell down the stairs in my eagerness. _

*****_iwtfy*****_

I managed to make it down without falling; only stumbling after missing the last step. I allowed a nervous laugh to escape when I realized what a chance I'd taken. I was grateful we hadn't run into Carlisle on the way down. It was stupid of me not to check and make sure he wasn't in the basement already. The laundry room was in the basement, as was a giant rec. room, and Carlisle's office with his racing memorabilia. I really had no idea where he was in the house and it could have been extremely uncomfortable if he'd witnessed Peter and I on the stairs.

Not wanting to ruin the mood I didn't mention how reckless we'd been, vowing to be more aware of my surroundings and keep my pent up need for Peter in control until I was positive we had privacy.

When we reached my room, I pulled Peter in with me and quickly shut the door, taking the time to twist the knob to lock it. My room had only one very small window and Esme had installed a light blocking shade that matched the paint color. The only light to see by came from the faint glow of my alarm clock and the blinking light from the side of my laptop.

I could have flipped on the overhead light, or moved toward the nightstand and turned on my bedside lamp, but I was too impatient. Instead, I took advantage of our privacy and stepped up close to Peter and leaned in, breathing in his scent. He smelled of fresh, clean smelling shampoo, cedar, and… I think it might have been ginger.

"Did you shower and change your clothes when you went home?"

Peter chuckled. "Uh yeah, I didn't want to bring the horse smell into your room."

I had to laugh. "Wouldn't we both smell that way?" I reached out to pull him into me by his shoulder and buried my nose into his neck, shivering at nearness of him. "I think you smell wonderful, but now I've got to worry about how I smell. I _know_ I still smell like a barn."

"You also smell like…" I could hear the whistle through his nostrils as he breathed me in and I wanted so badly to crash my lips back onto his. "…oranges and fried rice."

"Oi," I was smiling, but I was certain Peter probably couldn't see it. "That sounds like an awful combination. How can you stand to be around me?"

It took a few seconds for Peter to respond and I started to worry that my smell was in fact turning him off. I mean, girls always smell so clean and flowery, right? My discomfort increased as the seconds went by, but as I was about to pull away he spoke in a hushed tone.

"God Edward, you don't know how good it feels to be this close to you," he whispered in my ear sending a pleasurable tingle down my spine. "And to smell you? A single whiff and I have a Pavlovian response – I'm instantly hard."

As if to make his point, Peter dragged his head down to my shoulder and pulled me in closer. He shuddered when his erection poked against my thigh.

I groaned, and with my heart racing at an accelerated pace I moved my lips up his neck and started to run my hands up and down his upper arms slowly, content for the moment to be touching any part of his skin. I'd wanted to touch him for so long that I now realized the minute he'd said he cared about me I'd been fighting a lost cause. This was always going to happen.

When our lips finally met again I was instantly reeling from the intensity. His tongue filled my mouth and he grazed the back of my front teeth as if he were licking me. My cock swelled to an almost painful size and my breathing became labored.

"Can we move to the bed?" I asked, mentally crossing my fingers that he'd feel comfortable enough to lay down with me.

When he stiffened I took that as a less than positive sign and I rushed to reassure him.

"Peter, we don't have to do anything you aren't ready for. I… I only wanted to feel you underneath me, and do more of this." I brushed my lips across his ear and felt him tremble in response.

"And this." I barely pulled up his shirt and then skimmed my hand along his lower back causing his skin to pebble.

The dark room made me bolder and I felt like we were in our own private world.

"And this." I nuzzled my nose into the hair at the nape of his neck making him groan.

Between the noises he made and the amazing way he smelled, I had a hard time resisting the urge to find some relief by rubbing my erection into him. Instead I ran my fingers down the back of his neck tickling lightly waiting for him to tell me what was wrong.

"It's not what you think," he responded in a muted, hoarse whisper as he disentangled himself from my embrace and stood holding only my hands. The room was still too dark and the expression on his face was hidden by shadows. "I want _so_ much when I'm with you, and so quickly. I'm afraid I'm going to push us to go too far, too fast and ruin everything." My heart stuttered at his words. This man was so sweet, but I worried he was expecting more out of this than I was.

He gave a frustrated sigh. "Can we turn on a light for a minute and talk?"

I nodded, and then realizing he probably couldn't see me I let go of his hands and moved to the bedside table to flip on the light.

We both sat down on the end of my bed and I tried to ignore the tension in the room as I took one of his hands in mine and squeezed.

_How do you tell someone you want to keep it casual? _

I cared a lot for Peter and found him extremely attractive, but I wasn't _in love_ with him. I'd be leaving for university at the end of the summer, and while I'd only be living a two-hour car drive away, I didn't want to start school with a long distance boyfriend. When I imagined starting school and telling my new friends about my twenty-nine year old boyfriend back home I could practically_ feel_ the queasy embarrassment rolling through me.

"I've never done this," he admitted.

"You mean with a man?" I searched his face to see if I could understand the point he was trying to make. His eyes were locked on our joined hands and I could see a look of confusion cross his face.

"Yes. No. What I meant was I've never made out with someone, shared so much intensity, so… early in a relationship." His hand started to tremble in mine and I scooted a little closer to him.

"We're going too fast?" This was a switch. I couldn't believe how in one year everything had flipped for me and now I had someone asking _me_ to slow down.

He grimaced and shook his head. "I'm going about this all wrong. I mean the only relationships I've been in there was a build-up, a progression. I'd dated a few women before Charlotte, and every one of them, including my relationship with Charlotte, started with dates, maybe a kiss good-night. I had to work toward…the _good_ stuff. Actually, Charlotte was the only one that advanced that far at all. _This_, this is so foreign. I guess I'm used to there being some conversation about the parameters of the relationship before the uh…"

"good stuff?" I offered with a crooked smile.

"Yeah," he sighed. "I liked where we were headed. I really did," he added, making sure I didn't get the wrong idea. "And, I want more of it. But, I needed to hit pause back there because I feel, well, responsible."

I stiffened at his words. _He is not __**responsible**__ for me._

He chuffed in frustration obviously reading my body language. "I'm not trying to make this an adult versus child kind of scenario. I think of you as my peer, I wouldn't be_ here_, in your bedroom, if I didn't. But, I'm forcing myself to not forget that you _are_ still a teenager. We should discuss what's going on before our physical needs leap ahead of what we both want in our heads."

For the first time since he'd sat on the bed Peter looked me in the eye and I saw the concern he'd been trying to express. An unidentified feeling crossed my chest and I suddenly realized just how lucky I was.

This man was exactly what I needed.

"What do you expect from this Edward?"

_Good question. _

_What __**did**__ I expect? _

_Would I give up a chance to be with Peter if he wanted more than a summer fling? _

Although only moments ago the idea of a carrying on a distant relationship with Peter seemed almost repugnant, I was equally off-put with the idea of having a purely physical relationship with him. What I craved was an emotionally charged summer romance that ended with no hard feelings.

_Right, I was living in a fucking fairytale world._

"Well…" I led off, trying to find the right words. "I uh, I didn't have exact _expectations_," I ended weakly, unable to find the courage to admit what I really wanted.

"I do," he offered as he continued to stare at me with his intense brown eyes. "Would you mind if I share them with you?"

He had a way of making me feel immature, and with the feeling of powerlessness I'd experienced from Levi and his buddies still fresh, it felt like I drowning in inadequacy. I had to step up and be truthful, or the shame I was feeling was going to sink me. I needed to pluck up the nerve and tell him how I really felt.

"No. I mean, I'd like to hear what you expect, but I think I know what I want to say now. I like you Peter, I really do. And, I can see myself developing deeper feelings for you, but I don't see this lasting past the summer."

Peter's face fell and I quickly tried to explain my feelings a little more clearly.

"I guess I'm a little conflicted. I'm looking for something beyond casual sex. I'd want exclusivity while it lasts. But, at the same time I'm not expecting what we have to lead to long-term commitment. Does that make sense?"

I wondered if this is where we would part.

_Shit. I was really starting to want him as my first._

My eyes never left his while I laid out my expectations and yet it was impossible to read what he was thinking. I did however feel immeasurably better after having been honest. It was scary, but totally worth it.

"That sounds reasonable," Peter answered with an unnatural calmness. He then let go of my hand and reached up to run it through my hair, toying with me. I shivered from the feeling of his touch and I turned toward him and angled my leg to cross his. "I find myself in the inopportune position of having the stronger feelings." He ran a hand across my leg with such a light touch I might not have felt it had I not witnessed with my own eyes.

"I'm encouraged that you'd want exclusivity; there is no way if we were to do this that I could share you. And, same goes for the casual sex, I can't fathom that," he gave an exaggerated shiver and Jasper flitted through my mind.

_Why was it okay for him? How could he let a stranger touch him so intimately?_

"As for the notion that you can't see us working out long-term, well that's definitely… different than how I feel, but it doesn't surprise me being that you're only eighteen. It's not a deal breaker for me, and I can promise you I'll be actively trying to change your mind right up until the day you leave."

"So?" I arched my eyebrow at him. That sounded like an agreement of sorts. "We all good here then?" I was anxious to get back to the making out.

"Almost," he stopped me, laughing as I tried to push him back onto the bed.

I wanted him underneath me and I let out a muted sigh of frustration.

"Are we keeping this secret for now?"

With where we work I would have thought that was a given, but I guess he had to make sure.

"Of course. I don't think it would be a good idea to advertise it at work." Levi and his friends loomed in my mind and I pushed them away as I wanted to concentrate more pleasant endeavors, like the gorgeous man who was currently resisting my advances. I began to nibble on his ear and blow my warm breath into his neck.

Peter pushed me back and smirked. "I wasn't thinking about the Track. I was talking about people closer to us, friends and family."

_Oh._ I reluctantly let him go so I could formulate a coherent response. "Well since we've determined that this relationship has a limited shelf-life, and with our age difference probably raising a lot of unwarranted concern, I think it's important we avoid the complications of unwanted and unrequested outside opinions." I lowered my voice into a breathy whisper. "Is that okay with you babe?"

I distinctly heard his breath hitch and I smiled in satisfaction.

Leaning into him again I moved his t-shirt aside so I could suck on his skin between his neck and shoulder blade. He tasted so fucking delicious.

"Yeah, I think that's…uh…smart," he was barely able to complete the sentence he was so distracted by the suction of my lips.

The idea that it was me, the eighteen-year old virgin, who was the aggressor in this relationship was empowering and exactly what I needed at the moment.

Tugging upward on his shirt to indicate I wanted to take it off, I continued to kiss any part of his skin that was showing. Surprisingly, he allowed me pull it off him without another long-winded lecture. My first view of his naked torso made my pulse race even faster and I was quickly entranced by his beautiful chest. He didn't have a ripped body, but he was lean and not without muscle. I was beckoned closer by his smooth skin with only a smattering of hair on his chest and a patch lower down that disappeared from view at the waistband of his jeans. Having used up all my restraint I pushed him onto his back and slowed down a little to catch my breath.

I was careful to watch his reaction as I ran my hands across his chest, pausing to softly circle one of his nipples with my thumb. Watching it pebble in reaction to my touch was gratifying and I felt my dick swell in response. When he reached to pull at my shirt I knew I was moving in an acceptable direction.

I quickly yanked my shirt over my head and tossed it off the side of the bed. Normally I was almost OCD about the neatness of my room, but at this moment I couldn't care less.

"Oh wow Ed, you're so…" Peter didn't finish the sentence but I had to assume it would have been some sort of compliment with the way his eyes grew large as his heated gaze moved across my naked torso. I didn't have the patience to allow him to find the words he'd planned to say and quickly leaned over him and pressed my chest up against his while attacking his mouth. It was ironic that this time I made sure to keep our lower bodies apart for _his _comfort, not my own.

I wanted him withering underneath me and begging for contact and I was only now realizing how much it could feel like rejection if I felt him flinch away from my touch.

_Is that how I made Jasper feel? Rejected? _

I could feel Peter's heart thrumming in his chest and my confidence was raised again. One step at a time this afternoon's humiliation was being erased, or at least written over. In the here-and-now I could care less what they had said about me. If this was what they find disgusting than I could only feel sorry for them. I was feeling so good in this moment that there wasn't room for the shame they had wanted me to suffer.

Another hushed moan from the man underneath me and I nearly lost my internal reasoning for letting him set the pace. Even without friction it was zero to sixty for lust to take hold of my body and I had to start recalling past Oscar winners in an attempt to stave off an untimely completion.

"What do you want Peter?" I asked him as I nudged him farther back on the bed. I wanted him to vocalize what it was he needed from me.

I continued to touch, lick, and sample any part of his skin I could reach, but nothing felt better than when he did the same to me.

I've never felt so greedy in my life.

"God Ed," Peter breathed into my ear. "I want…"

His voice cut off as I fingered the waistband on his jeans, caressed the top of his butt cheeks and darted in to touch the top of his crack.

_What I wouldn't give to really feel him down there. Sliding my finger…_

"I want you to touch me," he finally said, interrupting the imagery that was fueling my desire to leap ahead of what I knew we were ready for.

I knew where he wanted me to touch him, it was evident with the way he adjusted himself, but just the same I nearly gave in ask him where. I itched to slide my fingers into him, but I knew it was too early for _that_.

_I should be happy he wants any of the 'good stuff'._

"Fuck yeah," I answered him, wanting to encourage him as much as possible. "I want to touch you too."

His resulting tremble gave me confidence and filled me with an indescribably powerful feeling.

I shifted my angle and moved my fingers to the button in the front of his jeans. I make to open the button, but at the last second I get impatient and slide my hand lower to stroke him through his clothes.

The noise he makes as my hand slides up and down his sizeable erection and the way he arches forward makes the detour well worth it. I briefly wonder if I should turn on some music or the TV to mask some of the noise. I have no idea when or if Carlisle or Esme might happen down to the basement. I've always been careful to watch porn when I've either been alone in the house or when I've been absolutely positive they were in bed for the night.

"Ed, pleease!" Peter exclaimed.

He'd become so impatient to have me touch him while I contemplated the noise factor that he'd undone his own jeans and had started to tug to get them down.

_Fuck, I want to see him so badly. _

_I can't fucking believe I'm going to be touching Peter's dick. Peter, my boss!_

It was my first time and I could feel my nerves rapidly climbing.

Nerves or not my cock had its own agenda.

I took a shuddering breath and helped him kick off his jeans. With a quick peak down I saw he was wearing boxers and the front was tented up in a way that caused my mouth to water. I hadn't planned to have my mouth anywhere near his cock this fast, but something else inside me took over and I found myself sliding down at the same time I pulled the waistband down. He lifted his hips to help and I suddenly had his cock bobbing directly in front of me.

_Oh God this was real. This was happening._

Significantly, my nerves had receded again, buried or washed away by the wave of desire I felt to see a cock, and a nice looking one at that, directly in front of me.

"Hey Peter," I stopped as I looked up at him from my vantage point at his hips and deliberately ran my tongue over my bottom lip. "_How_ did you want me to touch you?"

Hearing his wanton moan I don't feel the need to wait for an answer and I allowed my tongue come out to lap at the small pearl gathered at the slit. It tasted salty and strange but I immediately wanted to try more.

"Holy fuck!" Peter hissed as he squirmed below me.

I didn't take the time to let him pull his boxers off completely. Instead, I kept them over his thighs, trapping him at my mercy. I knew he didn't mind me taking control by the sound he made as I sucked him in for the first time. That or he wasn't even aware. Either way I knew I was on the right track. I then wrapped one hand around the base as I started to experimentally lick and suck, listening for him to make any encouraging sounds. I needed his feedback, because although I'd watched a lot of porn I'd never done this myself.

Peter kept his hands curled into the blanket and I wondered if he might have preferred to have his hand on the back of my head. I'd seen them doing that in some of the porn I liked, but for some reason I'd always pictured it as my hand guiding someone else's mouth onto my dick. Not the other way around.

It was probably for the best he kept his hands where they were at this point or he probably would have caused me to gag.

It was also messier than I'd pictured. I'd attacked his cock with gusto and quickly found that meant a lot of extra saliva. It filled my mouth and I couldn't master swallowing the extra liquid without releasing him first, so I ended up letting it slide down his cock making his balls and the blanket below us wet. Initially, I worried it would lesson the pleasure of the experience, but if the sounds he was making were any indication, it seemed like he was still enjoying what I was doing.

My own cock throbbed in my pants uncomfortably and I used my free hand to reach down and pull open my jeans. I couldn't pull them down in this position, so I shoved my hand inside my underwear and gave myself whatever friction I could.

I kept up a good rhythm of bobbing and occasionally changing the pace by moving my tongue around.

It didn't take long.

"Ohhh," he started to chant "Ohhh fuck."

I knew he was close and I started to panic. I hadn't handled my own saliva well so I knew there wasn't a fucking chance I'd manage his cum. After quickly formulating a decision, I popped him out of my mouth and started to stroke him with increased speed, my hand sliding easily over him.

I felt myself getting closer as I alternatively watched my hand and his face while pushing him to the brink. His face was awash with unsuppressed pleasure and I couldn't help but smile at how attractive he was like this. If I could have balanced it, I would have leaned down and kissed him again.

When the first spurt of the whitish fluid hit his stomach I knew I wouldn't last. My balls tightened and I didn't even need to increase the tempo before I was letting go with an irrepressible grunt.

It felt awesome, but I imagine it would be a little more mind blowing if it wasn't my own hand doing the work and I hadn't lasted less than a minute. The idea that we could do this again over and over until we got it right was enough to keep a happy grin on my face.

I wanted to collapse on the bed next to him, but I was mindful of the mess in my hand and against my stomach, so I hopped off the bed and made my way to my laundry basket to find a used shirt or something to wipe off.

When I turned back to the bed I stopped to study Peter. He looked spent, his eyes closed, a smile on his face, but with his boxers still only partially pulled down and his stomach covered in his own cum he also looked so fucking debauched that I couldn't help feel proudly responsible.

I threw the dirty t-shirt into the laundry after extracting a towel to clean Peter. Returning to the bed I took the time to carefully wipe Peter's stomach and chest.

"Sorry. It would work better if I had a warm washcloth or we had a shower, but I don't want to risk running into Carlisle or Esme," I explained. There was a full bath in the basement, but it required a walk through the rec. room.

"It's fine Ed," Peter opened his eyes to smile at me. "Come here," he said, patting the bed next to him.

"Let me throw this in the hamper first."

When I slid down next to him on the bed, he'd pulled up his boxers. For a few seconds we simply laid there, our faces turned toward each other, smiling goofishly at each other. Unable to resist, I moved closer and kissed him. It was slow, but warm, and not without desire. I could feel my dick wasn't going to stay soft for long and I pulled back, mindful of how it might look if Carlisle or Esme came down and couldn't hear any X-box or T.V.

_Yeah, now I worry about it. A little late if they've already come down…_

I brushed the worry aside; there wasn't much I could do now. What was done was done.

"I should turn on the T.V. or something. You know, to make some noise or something."

"Uh," Peter sat up suddenly. "Actually, what time is it? I should probably be going."

An involuntary hint of fear slid through me, but I pushed it quickly away. Peter had been clear that he wanted more. This was _not_ a one-time thing.

"It's about 9:15," I said, pointing out the alarm clock on my nightstand. "Are you in a hurry to get home?"

"I need to let Murphy out. He's been cooped up all day and it's not fair to only get home and go right to bed. Besides, he's probably a little freaked out from strangers marching through our house," Peter said in an apologetic tone.

"Okay." It was understandable and I tried to cover up my disappointment. "Maybe next time we could go to your place," I suggested. Images of us on a large bed in an empty house began to take form.

"Maybe," Peter answered, noncommittally, causing my stomach to flip anxiously and the images to fall apart and disappear.

He'd stood up while I mulled over why he might not want me at his house and then he was quickly throwing on his jeans. I picked up his shirt from where I'd tossed it and passed it to him. I stood up too and moved to button up my own jeans and throw on my shirt.

"I'll walk you to the door," I said in an abrupt tone. I knew I was being childish, but I really hated that he was leaving already, even though I knew he didn't have a choice.

"Wait!" Peter exclaimed, surprising me as my hand was on the doorknob. "I don't think we can have a proper good-bye at the door and I need to kiss you again."

Feeling a little foolish for feeling so insecure, I happily moved toward him and bent a little to kiss him. I was several inches taller now, a fact I loved. The kiss was fairly chaste at first, but it quickly turned desperate and our hands were everywhere.

I slowed down our kissing. _Better to not get too worked up when he was leaving._ Besides, I was interested in how Peter felt about what we did. I needed a little feedback.

"How did I do?" I whispered in his ear.

"Do?" Peter asked as he clenched my hips and pulled me closer.

"Yeah, like was it okay? I know I'm not very practiced." _Understatement._

"You couldn't tell?"

_I'm not reaching for compliments here buddy; I need to know so I can improve._

"I didn't know if that was the excitement of being with a man for the first time, or if maybe it had been a long time for you since you'd been with someone? Or," I added, my heart beat thumped in my chest with anxiety. "…if anything I did worked to turn you on?"

"Uh," Peter answered as I continued to kiss his neck and run my hands up his back. "Well it was incredible being with a man, so different – but in a good way. And, it has been awhile, especially since I'd had a…blowjob." He was incredibly cute how embarrassed he was to say that one word, his face pinking up as he said it. "But, what you did was incredible. I'd never experienced it like that before."

I stiffened a little, uncertain how to take his answer.

"What do you mean? In what way?"

He pulled me closer in a reassuring gesture.

"That was the first time in over six years where it wasn't a part of foreplay. Charlotte never liked doing that and she always moved on quickly without spending much time at it. And, she never had any enthusiasm for it. Not like you. I loved it." He squeezed me tighter trying, I imagine, to convey some sort of gratitude. "I had no idea how good it could feel… and I'm looking forward to trying it for myself. I mean…" he stumbled, "…doing the same for you."

My cock was recovering with remarkable speed and it twitched with the possibility of having his mouth wrapped around it. I wanted to push for it to happen now but I knew Peter had to get home for his dog.

_Why can't he invite me home with him?_

"I can't wait for that too," I responded, letting my dick rub up against his stomach.

Peter smiled indulgently at me, his face showing some regret.

"I have to get home."

"I know. I can't help it," I smirked at him.

"I will see you in the morning," Peter kissed me quickly and stepped back, as if afraid I'd trap him.

"Sure, in the morning," I agreed and led him from the room to see him out.

*****_iwtfy*****_

Thanks for reading!


	43. Chapter 43

This is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story has explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

_*****iwtfy*****_

_[from the previous chapter]_

_Peter smiled indulgently at me, his face showing some regret. _

"_I have to get home."_

"_I know. I can't help it," I smiled sheepishly at him._

"_I will see you in the morning," Peter kissed me quickly and stepped back, as if afraid I'd trap him._

"_Sure, in the morning," I agreed and led him from the room to see him out._

*****iwtfy*****

That night I had a restless sleep; it seemed like I was awake every hour. I wasn't sure what was keeping me from sleeping more, Peter or Levi, but when I finally decided I could sleep no more it was only five-fifteen a.m. Even with so little shut-eye I'd awoken with a new clarity and I knew at least one thing that needed to be done. Hearing Carlisle rustling around in the kitchen upstairs only strengthened my resolve.

"Mornin' Carlisle," I greeted the older man as he peeled a clementine while sitting at the kitchen table.

"Morning Edward!" He looked up and greeted me with a genuine smile. "You're up earlier than usual."

"I was hoping you might have time for a quick chat?" Another idea suddenly occurred to me and it seemed even without sleep I could make decisions. "Maybe I could ride with you to work this morning?"

"Of course. I'm leaving in about ten minutes. Did you want to run and have your shower? We can stop at Tim's on the way and pick up breakfast."

"Sounds good," I agreed and hurried off to get ready; I didn't want to make him late.

By the time I got back upstairs, Carlisle had finished his orange and was reading over yesterday's Racing Form. When he saw I was ready he folded up the paper up and left it on the stack he kept on a desk in the kitchen. He usually collected the Forms for three years, moving them to his office in the basement when they were over a month old. He told me he used them to study other trainer's tactics. He was constantly on the hunt for a new claimer1.

"Ready to go," he chuckled, looking amused.

"What?" I asked, questioning why he was laughing.

He pointed to my head. "Aren't you going to take a comb to that mop?"

I reached my hand up and touched my hair. I'd toweled it dry and then left it. My hair never looked neat, but I hadn't had a haircut for awhile and it was even crazier than normal. Ruefully I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to make it at least somewhat more presentable.

After we'd settled into Carlisle's Mercedes I used the 'rip the band aid off' approach and straightaway described what happened with Levi and his buddies. Carlisle didn't say a word as he pulled into the Tim Horton's parking lot.

"I think we'll go in and have breakfast this morning," he said in a tone that revealed nothing of what he was thinking or feeling.

I scrambled out of his car and followed him in, swallowing back the anxiety that bubbled through me like I was a cola that had been lightly shaken. Carlisle was never late to open up the barn so we didn't have time for a leisurely breakfast.

After settling for a toasted everything bagel and a large earl grey tea, I found us a table that was relatively isolated. This time of the morning most of the business was drive thru traffic, so the place had few seated customers.

I carefully munched on my bagel as I waited to see what Carlisle would say. He'd made no comment during my description of the incident and he had yet to show any emotion in either direction.

"I'm proud of you Edward. You handled yourself very well in a difficult incident, though I can't say I'm surprised. You've always had a very level head. The reason I haven't said much yet is because I'm trying to come up with an appropriate response. What happened…it…I can't even…" he shook his head in disgust.

Then his voice suddenly took on a tone I'd never thought I'd hear from Carlisle.

"I wish I could clock that ignorant fuck. Levi needs to have someone teach him a lesson," he whispered harshly.

I sat back in surprise. Carlisle was such a pacifist; I never expected him to even consider violence as a response. And he swore. _Carlisle said "fuck"._ He was looking so earnestly livid that I tried to hold back by smile but I only succeeded in preventing one side of my mouth from curling up.

"Sorry," he immediately apologized. "I won't do it, but if I'd been there when it happened I'm not sure I could have restrained myself. Those other guys – who are they?"

"I'm not sure all their names. I think Kenny who works for Martin, maybe Logan? I'm not sure of the others' names. I'd be able to point them out when I spot them; I can't forget any of them."

"You need to report them Edward."

"I can't. Track officials would look the other way, nothing would really come of it and for sure the news would spread quickly. I can't take the chance that Emmett will hear about this. He would overreact. You _know_ he would.

"I don't think I can tell anyone else, you and Esme – that's it. I know I can't work at Forks after this summer," I pleaded with him to understand. "I just need to get through the next five weeks or so and then I'm gone."

I trusted Peter, but I couldn't tell Carlisle the real reason I didn't want to tell my boss. That I was worried he'd try and protect me too and if he showed too much emotion people might start talk. We'd be the talk of the Track and our every interaction would be studied closely. I feared they might see something we couldn't completely hide.

"Okay, here's what we are going to do," Carlisle started as he outlined a plan for keeping me safe.

It wasn't perfect and it was inconvenient, but it would have to do.

*****iwtfy*****

Peter picked me up at Carlisle's tack room a little before nine. I'd spent the first few hours of the morning catching up on my reading as I lounged on a bale of straw.

Every once in a while my mind had drifted to other memories of what had occurred in that very room, but this time those memories didn't cause the same feeling of melancholy as they once did. I had happier thoughts to distract me.

"What happened to your car? Is it acting up?" Peter asked as I hopped into the passenger seat of his truck. I resisted the urge to lean over and kiss him.

I had texted him an hour ago to pick me up at the Twilight barn instead of our usual meeting place in front of the cafeteria. The first part of the plan was to have me avoid the long walk from the parking lot alone, and I'd accomplished this by getting a ride inside the gates with Carlisle.

"Yeah, the engine light came on yesterday and I want to get it looked at before I drove it again," I lied. Knowing I was protecting Peter made it easier to fabricate a story.

"When you first said you got a ride with Carlisle I was worried maybe he was giving you a hard time about my visit last night. It wasn't until I was leaving that I realized how easily they could have overheard us."

_See wouldn't it be better for us to spend time at your house?_

"No, nothing like that," I assured him. "I'd had the same fear, but he didn't breathe a word about you. I'm not even sure he knew you'd been over."

"Well that's a relief. I slept a bit fitfully worrying that we'd already been caught."

I didn't like his use of the word caught.

There were plenty of other words he could have used from the English language: overheard, observed, witnessed.

_Why did he have to use caught?_

I didn't think we were really doing anything wrong. I shifted my eyes to look out the passenger window. My feelings were getting all mixed up and I didn't like it. One minute I was happy and content, the next I was anxious and confused.

_Why did everything seem so fragile? _It was as if our relationship was made of ice and snow and if it got too warm out it would melt away and there'd be no evidence we'd ever been anything more than boss and employee.

_What is my problem? I'm the one who suggested we keep this on the down low? Did I want us to go public?_

When I thought of it that way my head and gut gave a resounding _no_. I definitely didn't want to go public.

_What the fuck was the matter with me?_

"I can pick you up on my way to work tomorrow if you like. You shouldn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn all summer."

"Okay, sounds like a good idea. Thanks." I agreed. I'd gotten up three hours earlier than I did now every day of every summer of my high school years and it was nice to have one summer of 'normal' hours.

I'd planned to ask Peter to give me a ride, having him offer made it all the easier.

"It's only for a couple days anyway, right?" Peter asked.

"Uh, well, it depends. If it's too expensive to repair I might sell it. I won't really need it in the fall." I was starting to accept the less is better concept. A life void of complications was what I was starting to crave, and if I found I didn't really need a car then I was willing to give it up.

"Oh, but then you won't have a way to drive back to Forks."

My stomach constricted.

_Why would I need a car to drive back and forth to Forks? Hadn't I made it clear this relationship would be over when I left for school? _

I hated disappointing Peter and my stomach started to churn more violently.

I tried to make my tone as casual as possible as I turned to look at him. "Well, I'll probably only travel back to Forks for holidays. I can take the train or bus to get home then."

Peter looked away from me, and without responding or commenting he shifted his truck into gear and we pulled away from the Twilight barn.

"One of Johnson's mares might have thrush. I told him we'd stop by first thing," he said with a short tone.

The whole exchange bothered me. I really liked Peter, but if this is the way he was going to react, maybe I made a mistake getting involved with him. I considered trying to talk to him again about my lack of interest in a long distance relationship, but then I figured he'd already gotten the hint.

For the moment I decided to leave the topic alone.

As the day progressed my earlier misgivings slipped away. We continued to be completely professional as we worked; our understanding of each other had reached a point where our movements almost seemed choreographed. But, as we drove from barn to barn I had fun getting handsy and grew bolder as the morning went on. It got so bad one time that Peter had to sit and wait out his erection as I went ahead and gave a Furosemide2 injection without him. I'd winked at him as I turned to shut the passenger side door and I was relieved when he rolled his eyes in response.

At lunch, we left the track instead of eating at the cafeteria like we'd been doing since the race season had started up again. I think we both knew it would be harder to hide our burgeoning attraction in that kind of setting. I was also relieved because now that it was apparent my sexual orientation had broken into the Forks gossip I wasn't looking forward to the various looks of disgust or hate I was sure to be subjected to.

While we sat at our table waiting for our food Peter brought up another topic that had tweaked my concern.

"Last night you caught me off guard with the idea of spending time at my house and I feel as if I need to apologize and explain my initial reservations."

I sat back, ready to listen to his explanation. The fact that Peter was even acknowledging his unexpected reaction to my innocent request was making me feel somewhat better.

"My real estate agent Susan, who is actually one of Charlotte's friends, advised us that if we wanted to sell at a price close to what our house is worth then we shouldn't give the impression that we're splitting up to potential buyers. She said there is a certain agent in town who will advise his clients to low ball the property because we would appear desperate to unload the house. It's also the reason I haven't advertised our separation at work."

I had no idea about real estate so I simply nodded, wondering where this conversation was leading. _What did this have to do with me coming over? Was he afraid someone would see me? _If that was the case it seemed a little paranoid to me. I was also disheartened because I didn't like the idea of bringing Peter over again. Esme and Carlisle would no doubt start to form suspicions.

_Would we ever get time alone?_

At least Charlotte was in Europe right now with her sister Kim and I didn't have to worry that this meant they were still living together. She was currently touring the British Isles, and next month they were going to visit Italy, Portugal, and Spain; all of it on Peter's dime. I didn't think it was right, but it was the original plan and the reason he'd offered me the full-time summer job in the first place. Apparently, Peter wasn't one to go back on his word, even in the face of divorce.

I would have liked to ask more details about their separation, but for some reason I felt like it wasn't really my business.

"So uh, the house looks as if we haven't separated." He paused letting the information sink in.

_What does that mean?_

"Yesterday was amazing, but completely unexpected. I hadn't taken into consideration the state of my house and I freaked out a little when you suggested coming over," he said, failing to explain the point he was trying to make. I felt as if I were missing key information.

"Why would the way you keep your house bother me?"

_Shouldn't his real estate agent be the one worried about that?_

"Uh, well our pictures are all still hanging up, wedding pictures and such. Our closet and dressers are still full of both our clothes. Whatever makeup and toiletries Charlotte didn't drag with her to Europe is still in our bathroom. The thought of you seeing all that, well I didn't want to hurt your feelings or make you suspicious."

Surprisingly, his excuse made some sense to me. I could imagine coming over to his house and seeing their happy, smiling faces on the wedding photos and I probably would have felt a little weirded out. When he said they were separated I had an image of his house being somewhat sterile, void of any signs of a wife. I had pictured Charlotte packing up her stuff in anger, when in reality I had no idea about anything to do with their relationship or how their separation came about.

An uneasy feeling moved to the pit of my stomach.

"So she won't be moving her stuff out until she gets back from Europe?" I pressed, hoping he'd open up a little more.

"Well, I'm hoping we can sell it soon and then I can start to pack up her stuff and put it in storage for her."

_But what if you don't sell? _

The possibility of Charlotte moving back into the house was disturbing and I wished I could find the backbone to demand more details.

_Why am I worrying? _I chided myself. Our summer romance will have ended, I'll be gone, and I won't have to witness how they decide to handle her return to Forks. Instead I should focus on the good news here - we have a place to meet.

Feeling a little better about the situation, or at least about how little it would ultimately affect me, I offered Peter a bright smile.

"So…now that I know what to expect – can I come over?"

Peter smiled back, relief clearly evident in his expression.

"How about tonight after work?"

"Sure," I agreed, happy we'd cleared the air. Hanging out in my bedroom was not a good option and his empty house sounded fantastic.

*****iwtfy*****

When we arrived at his house, a nice looking brick bungalow with vaulted ceilings, Peter pulled into his garage and clicked the door shut before we'd even exited the truck. I wondered if he was worried about what the neighbors might think. However, when we entered the house from the garage entrance I could tell this was his normal entryway. There was a large mat at the door and he quickly deposited his shoes on a grimy boot rack. I cringed when I saw it, but I said nothing.

_Surely potential buyers couldn't have been too impressed with this display?_

"Leave your shoes there," he said loudly over the sound of excited barking.

As we crossed through a laundry room that housed a stainless steel, high tech, front loading washer and dryer my stomach started to flip with a mess of nerves that I hadn't expected.

We entered into a huge, clean and very new looking, eat-in kitchen and the volume of barking rose higher still.

_This room would surely impress buyers._

"He knows it's me. My agent said he's quiet as a mouse when she stops by," Peter commented.

"That's fortunate. It would be difficult for buyers to relax and look around if he sounded like that the whole time they were in the house."

Murphy was acting crazy in his crate, throwing himself up against the door over and over. As soon as Peter let him out he flew around the room. It was hilarious to watch. He was a little pug and when he ran fast he dragged his butt on the ground. He was super excited to see us but he was also desperate to go outside. It was a hard choice, but the call to pee was too much and he headed outside after only a few turns of the Peter's kitchen.

I was still laughing at the poor dog's antics when Peter pushed me into the counter and placed his lips over mine. The nerves that had been fluttering in my stomach settled immediately and I was quickly distracted by the lust that quickly swelled between us. I liked that he was taking the initiative this time. Maybe teasing him all day long had driven him to this point.

When his tongue invaded my mouth with a soft, tentative touch I wanted to melt.

Oh _God_, it felt sooo good to be alone and free from any kind of prying eyes.

I reached out and placed my arms around his neck drawing him even closer. Our desire escalated rapidly and a burst of excitement shot through me from my chest to the tips of my toes.

I had so much I wanted to do to this man.

A sharp bark interrupted our moment of passion and Peter reluctantly withdrew to tend to Murphy. As soon as he was in the door, the little dog rushed over to me and looked up at me wiggling his butt happily. I'd never been a fan of little dogs, always having planned to have a big dog when I had my own place, but this dog was a charmer.

"How are you Murphy?" I bent down to scratch behind his ears and the dog quickly licked my nose. _So cute._

Peter laughed. "Here Murph," he called him over.

The dog was blatantly ignoring him in favor of a new visitor, but when he heard Peter rustling through a cupboard he quickly abandoned me. Peter handed the dog a tiny bone from a blue, re-sealable bag.

"It's good for his breath and it will keep him busy for awhile," Peter explained.

"Why does he need to be kept busy?" I asked with a smirk.

"Because," Peter came up closer to me. "All I can think about since last night was how much I want to have your cock in my mouth."

"_Fuck_," I groaned. Even though it was a huge turn on to hear Peter talking dirty I could feel the tips of my ears turning pink with embarrassment. He was so strait-laced at work and from the brief conversation about his experience or lack thereof, I hadn't expected to hear those words from his mouth so soon.

I stepped closer still and pulled him into me at the hips, letting him feel my desire.

"That sounds like a good plan to me. Lead the way…_unless_ you want me to drop my pants right here?"

The image of Peter on his knees in the kitchen had my dick hardening at a record pace.

"I was thinking my bed might be more comfortable," Peter suggested as he closed his lips over mine again.

_That could work too. _

I followed him to the back of the house to his bedroom and I'd like to say I took in the rest of his house as we walked, but in truth my eyes were always on him and my mind was lost in all the ways I wanted to touch him.

The first thing I noticed when we entered the master bedroom was the huge king size bed at the center. It was covered in a pristine, white duvet and had four large pillows with black and white pillow cases. It didn't look too feminine or masculine, and I wondered who'd done the decorating.

The second thing I noticed was that all the pictures on the dressers were flipped down. I felt a surge of affection for the man in front of me as I realized he'd done so to be considerate of my feelings. It also made me happy to know that before he'd even left the house this morning he'd been thinking about me.

I sat on his bed and looked at him expectantly. He was wearing traditional straight leg jeans with a black button-down and his hair was in a short, clean cut. He was a few inches shorter than me and leaner. His brown eyes were soft and kind and I could tell, even though he'd been quick with the dirty talk in the kitchen, he was once again feeling out of his element. My confidence rose and I gestured him closer.

Pulling him onto my lap to straddle me I pulled him close and ran my hands up his shirt at his lower back wanting to feel his smooth skin as I hugged him.

"We don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

I could feel him shudder in my embrace.

"I know Ed. I'm ready, I really am. It's just a case of nerves," he argued.

I moved my nose to below his ear and grazed the side of his neck with my lips. He smelled like horses, cedar, and ginger and wondered why I was finding this combination so enjoyable.

"Why don't you relax and we'll only do what comes naturally," I advised.

_Heck, it's not like I'm all that experienced beyond dry humping and last night's barely acceptable blow job._

I murmured more words of encouragement as my heart thumped at an ever faster rhythm. I pressed my lips to his and ran my tongue along his bottom lip. He opened up immediately and the feel of our tongues caressing made me pull him closer.

Finding a little bit of courage, Peter shifted in my lap and reached down with his hand to graze my crotch.

I wanted to cry out in happiness.

It was the first time anyone had touched me and even though I'd had plenty of experience chasing my own orgasms, I quickly realized how much better it could be from a simple touch through my clothes.

_Oh. My. Fucking. God. _

Encouraged by the noises of pleasure I'd made, Peter had moved his hand up and down my cock with a little more pressure.

_Maybe I should have rubbed one out in the bathroom first – I'm never going to last._

"Ed?" Peter's voice broke through my total immersion into each amazing stroke. "I want to see you."

"You want my pants off?" I asked between kisses

"I want you completely naked," he clarified.

_Really? _

"Okay," I agreed, pulling back a little.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, but you'll need to move off me if you want me to get undressed." I tapped his thigh and he jumped as if shocked. "And you could get naked too," I suggested. I couldn't help but offer him a crooked grin of encouragement.

"Oh r…right" he stuttered.

He started to move off my lap and I grabbed him and ground him into me one last time as I gathered my courage to say what had whizzed through my mind while he stroked me. With my face flaming, I pulled him in close so he couldn't see my face as I said it and whispered in his ear.

"I'm not going to fuck you… today. It's for easier access…" I nuzzled his ear, "so I can reciprocate, and seeing your naked body will turn me on so much more," I explained.

My comment had a two-fold intention, I wanted him to stop worrying that we were going to escalate that far at this moment, but I also wanted to test the waters per se. By watching a lot of porn over the past year I'd come to realize I was definitely more interested in topping.

There was one video in particular I watched over and over where the guy topping was standing at the end of a bed and the man he was fucking was lying on the bed on his stomach, his legs dropping off the end. The guy doing the fucking would stop every once-in-awhile and re-adjust the other man by touching his hips gently. And while they didn't speak I could feel the attention and care the guy topping took with the other man. The guy getting fucked was making all sorts of joyful noises and ended up cumming so easily, yet, whenever I came from watching the video _I_ was the guy standing up.

I didn't know which way Peter preferred, maybe he didn't even know, but I wanted that information out there right away. The process of deciding who-will-top-who seemed awkward and stressful to me. There wasn't this question when it came to sex with woman.

Anyway, if it came down to both of us wanting to top, well, it was only for the summer, we could make do with other methods to get ourselves off.

Peter's breath sounded choked and I wondered if I'd gone too far.

"Uh, is that what you want to do?" he asked shakily.

"Fuck you?" I questioned as I ran my fingers up his neck and into his short hair.

"Yeah, that's what you prefer?" He asked as he took another deep breath.

"Definitely, but only if or when we're both ready," I reassured him. "We don't ever have to do that."

"Okay," he responded again.

I didn't know all he was saying okay to, but I figured getting naked now would be a first step.

I let go of my firm grip and Peter immediately slid off my lap. I pulled my t-shirt off, shoes and socks, and then stood up to unbutton my jeans. His clothes were quickly discarded too and soon we were both standing naked in front of each other. My cock was hard and curled up towards my stomach. Peter's was only semi-hard, and I wondered idly if I'd scared him with the talk of fucking him.

It was a little disappointing, but if it wasn't to be it wasn't to be.

I noticed he didn't shave or trim down below, but for some reason I liked the way he looked natural, it fit for Peter. Anything else would have been surprising. I shaved myself, preferring the way the smoothness enhanced the feel of my fingers when I rolled my balls in my palm.

_Did I look too young naked? Did he like what he saw?_

Peter had the air conditioning cranked and I felt myself shiver from the cold.

"Let's get under the covers," I suggested, waiting for him to turn and move toward the top of the bed.

_Okay, I confess, I wanted to check out his naked ass._

He didn't disappoint.

_Ugh. Was it wrong that I wanted to stroke the soft part of his hips from behind and grind myself into him?_

My cock was now hard as a rock as I followed him into the bed and under the covers. As soon as I was lying down I reached for him and heard a soft exhalation escape from him as our naked bodies brushed up to each other. I swept my fingers over any part of his skin that I could touch and I could feel my dick rubbing against this thigh, probably leaving a trail of pre-cum. I continued to sample, lick, and nip at the skin on his shoulder and neck, letting him decide when he would touch me. My pulse fluttered rapidly in anticipation.

By the time he finally turned toward me and tentatively reached for my erection I had started to doubt my request for both of us to get naked because he seemed thoroughly spooked. But as his touch glided over my member erasing all my reservations I felt a rumble of satisfaction filter out of my chest.

_Oh please let me last long enough to feel his lips on me!_

He ran his hand up my cock, taking the time to move his thumb experimentally up the large vein on the underside. The difference between my hand, that would immediately start tugging, and another's hand who wanted to get know the lay of the land caused me to cry out.

"Oh Peter, fuck!"

He stopped momentarily, probably misunderstanding my exclamation.

"No. Keep touching me," I encouraged as I started to massage his shoulder with one hand and I reached for his erection with my other.

I touched him lightly, sweeping my fingers up and down his rapidly hardening cock. He groaned into my shoulder and I murmured more encouragement.

His strokes continued and I found myself lost to the feel of his hand on me. It was the single most amazing feeling I'd ever experienced. Maybe last summer the blowjob _had_ been a dream, because a feeling this amazing would have to have been stamped into my brain if it'd been real. _Right?_

Peter started to give a small twist at the top before his hand descended down again.

"Please, harder, it feels so good."

He complied with my demand and when I felt my balls start to tighten there was nothing I could do to slow my response down. _Oh shit. _I tried to think about anything to prolong my rapidly approaching orgasm, but my mind was incoherent beyond the instinctive response of thrusting my hips and the push to its own personal ecstasy.

"I'm sorry," I spit out as my vision blurred and I passed the point of no return. My dick emptied out in Peter's hand and probably all over us and the sheets.

I let his cock fall from my hands as I collapsed onto my back feeling flushed and blissed out. I threw my arm over my face, too content to feel embarrassment at how fast I finished.

After a second of silence, I turned my head toward Peter. He looked pleased and his eyes had lost that look of trepidation.

"I got your sheets a little messy," I laughed.

"It was worth it," Peter smiled. "That was incredible. I loved seeing you cum. In fact, I want to see it again as soon as possible." He leaned over me and kissed me. It was a somewhat chaste kiss, but it sweet and it felt as if he were trying to convey all of his affection for me through this one gesture.

_Was this guy for real? _He was still hard, his hand was covered in my slimy spunk, and he was talking about giving _me_ pleasure again?

Mindful of my mess, I returned the kiss without moving closer. Even with the distance between us the kissing once again grew fervent and when his tongue lapped over mine I felt my dick twitch to life.

_I guess I should be thankful I'm still a teenager._

"Maybe could we have a shower?" I suggested.

*****iwtfy*****

Thanks for reading!

I've started posting the companion story to this one. It is Jasper's POV and so far I have four chapters posted. I'll be posting more as the week goes on. It's entitled _**Unravel My Latest Mistake**_. Thanks to all those who've already given the story a chance, especially sasharose11, bbbluez, Marie One, Dixie.f.9 and 35nanou who reviewed _all_ four chapters – thanks so much!

1Claimer – a horse who runs in a claiming race where all horses entered are all for sale for the same price (the claiming price) up until the race starts. After the race any claimed horses go back to the barns with their 'new' owners. If a claimed horse finishes in one of the top four spots and wins a purse, the purse goes to the original owner.

2Furosemide – a diuretic used to prevent race horses from bleeding through the nose during races. Known more commonly by its brand name of Lasix or Salix.


	44. Chapter 44

What am I doing posting this when I have to be up in four hours to get ready for work? I must be crazy!

Please ignore all mistakes - this is unbeta'd and not pre-read by anyone and I'm extremely tired. All mistakes are my own.

MA: This story has explicit and lemony scenes. If boy x boy relations offend you please don't read any further.

Characters belong to S. Meyer.

Thanks to all those who are still reading and reviewing!

_*****iwtfy*****_

After wiping his hand off on the bed sheet Peter shrugged.

"They'll need to be changed anyway."

I flipped the blanket off me and exited on my side of the bed. I wasn't going to attempt crossing and landing my hand in something wet.

_Ugh. Yeah I'm a little OCD about _some_ things._

We met up at the end of the bed, both of us still completely naked. It was obvious which of the two of us hadn't had the pleasure of finishing, but I could feel my depleted erection wasn't going to take long to display a renewed interest.

Seeing Peter's cock so hard and flush made it difficult for me to be patient and I desperately wanted to touch him. My hand, out of some sense of its volition, was reaching out before I'd even given it permission.

I grazed his cock with my left hand as I wrapped my other hand around the back of his neck and brought him closer to kiss. When our tongues touched I stepped the slightest bit closer, tightened my grip on his cock, and made sure our erections were brushed together.

_Fuck. _Having this house to ourselves was so freeing and being with Peter was so much easier than I expected. I wanted so many things at once I was like a kid in a candy store who couldn't pick just one.

_I can't believe I'm naked here with Peter and I have my hand on his dick. _

"Shower?" Peter asked, interrupting my dancing brain as I tried to figure out what I wanted more.

_Shower? Depended on how far away it was._

"Where?" I asked between kisses.

_Fuck the mess, I want to pull him back onto the bed and taste him again._

I slid my hand a little quicker as I pictured moving my mouth up and down his erection.

"Edward, I'm close already. You have to stop," he gently pushed against my chest.

"Where's your shower?" I asked again, slowing my hand down briefly and stealing a last kiss before we parted.

"This way," Peter pulled out of my grasp and tugged me by the hand toward a door on the opposite wall from where we had entered the room. I had noticed the door that stood slightly ajar but I'd assumed it was a closet. Of course now that I'd noticed natural light emanating from it my original assumption that it was a closet didn't make much sense.

Being large, bright, and pristine the bathroom was a pleasant surprise. It had both a huge jetted tub and a large glassed in shower. I hadn't pictured Peter as the good housekeeping type, probably because I was the one who constantly had to keep the supplies in his truck in proper working order. Without me, he was always misplacing his equipment, and he didn't have much of a drive toward keeping his truck clean. I wondered if he was employing a housecleaning service only while his house was on the market or if he'd always use one now that he was single again.

The room was bright with the late afternoon sunshine that was being filtered through a large square glass block window covered with a light cream colour shade. I glanced around, taking in the rich furnishings and what looked like expensive towels and I felt slightly out of place. Esme had a beautiful home and she wasn't cheap, but she didn't buy Egyptian cotton.

The only reason I even knew about Egyptian cotton was Garrett. He was fanatical about expensive towels and bedding and had schooled me on this rather mundane topic on several occasions. I assumed it was Charlotte with the pricey taste; it fit with everything Peter had shared about her, which in actuality wasn't very much.

My erection wilted as I made a beeline for the shower, not wanting to spend another second thinking about Peter's ex. When I slid back the door I was relieved to see only masculine products inside and I quickly turned on the water wanting to escape whatever awful feeling was sliding through my skin after having glimpsed the feminine products neatly lined up on the vanity and around the tub.

As I tried to find a happy medium between hot and lukewarm, I was slightly taken aback by my own reaction to Charlotte's stuff. I'd been forewarned, so it wasn't like I'd been blindsided.

_What is wrong with me? Why am I so bothered by some perfume and bubble bath?_

I stepped into the spray and immediately let the water soak my hair and run down my back. Peter hadn't followed me in yet and I tried desperately to shake off the feeling of uneasiness creeping over me before he joined me. I really fucking wanted to enjoy what time I had with him.

I had been standing in the shower for over a minute, finally finding some sort of peace from my swirling emotions when I realized it was taking an inordinately long time for an already naked Peter to join me. As if he'd heard me questioning what was taking him so long Peter finally stepped in, his limbs were moving slowly and deliberately and I wondered what was causing his hesitation. I examined his face and noticed he looked flushed and uneasy and his breaths were coming out in carefully measured amounts.

_Had something upset him? Did I spook him again?_

I pulled him closer to me and ran my hands up and down his arms.

"What's wrong baby?" I questioned. Peter looked totally shook up and the concern I felt for him erased the last bit of apprehension I'd been feeling. I was utterly consumed with making this man, my man, more comfortable.

"Sorry," he shook his head. "I…I…I'm not sure I can do this."

My heart stuttered. _Fuck. _

_Wait…Find out what he means by that. _

_Can't do our relationship, can't fool around in a shower – what?_

"Can't do what?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm and soothing. My hands slowed down and I let my touch grow lighter.

_Should I stop touching him?_

It killed me to see a tear forming in his eye.

"I don't know how to be with you. _Shit._" He moved closer in my arms and laid his forehead on my shoulder. I took it as a positive sign that at least he wasn't repulsed by me and resumed running my hands over him.

"I mean," he sighed. "I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I can't…don't…I'm not sure I could please you," he finally stammered out. "And it would kill me to disappoint you."

My relief was palpable and I felt some of the tension in my shoulders subside, tension I hadn't even been aware of.

_He's having performance anxiety. _

It was a strange revelation to encounter. At work Peter had always been my confident mentor and I'd never encountered him being ill-at-ease before. This new dynamic between us had certainly leveled the playing field and had the added effect of boosting my confidence.

"_Jesus_ Peter, I thought you were trying to tell me you wanted to end our…" Suddenly I had trouble describing what we had going. _Arrangement? Affair? _"Relationship," I chipped out holding my breath.

_What _was_ the proper descriptor for a summer fling?_

Peter never lifted his head from my shoulder, but I could feel him shake his head.

"You're worried you can't _please_ me?" I questioned.

_Hadn't he noticed how embarrassingly fast I came from the touch of his hand?_

"I haven't had experience with a man."

_Oh. Unless you count making out and dry humping, I haven't really had experience with _anyone_._

It was then I realized Peter didn't even _know_ what little experience I had. Maybe he imagined I'd done this all before. Maybe he didn't even know I was still a virgin.

"Peter, maybe I should have told you this before, but last night was my first time giving a blow job and this afternoon…was the first time anyone other than myself has touched me under my clothes."

Prince of Wales night briefly flashed through my head and I quickly dismissed it. I didn't need to dwell on distant memories that might or might not have even happened. Besides, it doesn't count when you don't even know if it was real or _who_ it might have been with. _Right?_

I continued to run my hands up and down his back as he took the time to consider the information I'd shared with him.

Lifting up his head from where he'd buried it in my shoulder, Peter's voice rose up with incredulity.

"You've got to be kidding me! Last night was your first time?"

_It may have been unintentional, but his surprise sure offers up a pretty good ego boost._

"Yeah. I was nervous too, but I think, because I felt so comfortable with you - we know each other so well, and I wanted you so bad, the anxiety kind of got glossed over in the heat of the moment."

"It makes me feel a whole lot better knowing you won't be comparing me to anyone else," he admitted finally looking into my eyes.

"Nope, and in case you hadn't noticed earlier, I'm extremely easy to please – at least when it comes to you," I added with a smirk.

"Well this makes all the difference in the world," Peter declared with a tentative smile.

We ended up spending most of our time in the shower soaping and teasing each other, and Peter ended up coming against my stomach fairly quickly. By the time Peter dropped to his knees to take me in his mouth I was already close to letting go.

After the shower we ordered food in and hung out watching the game for the rest of the night wrapped in each other's arms and sharing sweet kisses and caresses. Peter's reticence had dissolved by the time I left and he was reluctant to let me go. It was a pattern we would continue to replicate for weeks.

*****iwtfy*****

"So, hotdogs and hamburgers or are you planning something more upscale?"

Bella and I were shopping for food to offer at a barbecue. I had no clue of everything I'd need but she was an excellent cook and was only too happy to help. As we walked down the grocery store aisle and Bella pointed out ideas, my attention was divided between the upcoming week's events and Peter.

"Hotdogs and hamburgers sound about right." Filet mignon would have been awesome but I wasn't made of money.

It was time again for the Prince of Wales Stakes and Emmett had called to let me know that he was travelling down with Rosalie this year and that they planned to stay overnight at Mom & Dad's. After last year's debacle of an after party I decided to avoid the whole scene again. Instead, I had invited them over for a barbecue at Carlisle and Esme's and now I was scrambling to put it all together.

Emmett promised that Rosalie would behave this time and that she was eager to really get to know me. I'd have to see it to believe it, but I'd been in such a good place lately that I didn't find it difficult to keep an open mind.

Peter and I had continued to see each other on the sly. He was an amazingly thoughtful boyfriend, if a little clingy. I spent the night once or twice a week, but other nights I made sure to find my way back to my own bed. I could have easily stayed over all the time, but I didn't think it was healthy considering we wouldn't be together in another month. Peter was of the opposite mindset, saying that since we only had one more month we should spend as much time together as possible. He was equally frustrated when I spent an evening at the gym or with friends. It was the only time we disagreed, so I tended to ignore his need to keep me so close and continued to do what I'd always done. We spent all day together working and once in awhile I needed some time for myself.

I hadn't told anyone but Bella about my relationship with Peter. She was supportive and thought it was cute how he wanted to spend all his free time with me. Apparently Jake had a whole slew of friends and hobbies to keep him busy and Bella said she would have liked more time with him.

"Do you need condiments?" Bella asked as we passed by the ketchup aisle.

"No, Esme always has loads of everything. Her pantry has backups in case what's in the fridge runs out. I think she buys them in multiples across the border when they go on sale," I explained.

"How about condoms?"

"No," I answered automatically.

_Wait. Did she say condoms?_

I stopped the cart to see if I'd heard correctly. Bella stood next to me, a little red in the face and stuck out her finger to point that we were passing the 'family planning' aisle.

"No!" I repeated myself. "What gives you the idea I need those?"

Bella blushed even deeper and I considered if it was maybe her that needed them and this was her awkward way of seguing into a conversation about her and Jake getting intimate.

"I was curious. You don't give a lot of details away and I kind of wondered, with you dating an older guy, if you…you know had done the deed. You guys have that whole big house to yourselves and you spend the night sometimes," she rallied to pick up her argument.

"Well we haven't done _that_," I admitted.

From the look on Bella's face it seemed as if she were trying to press for details without actually committing the pressing.

I lowered my voice, curious as to her opinion. It wasn't like I had anyone else I could share this with.

"I'm ready and willing, but it's Peter. I mentioned it one time and I think I may have scared him off," I grimaced as I remembered how I had told him I wanted to fuck him. It wasn't my smoothest moment. "I haven't had the inspiration to approach the subject again."

"Why do you think you scared him?" Bella asked her voice full of curiosity.

I sighed. It might be nice to get an outside view.

"In the heat of the moment I told him I wanted to fuck him sometime in the future." I quickly tried to add in enough to defend myself. "But I did say it wouldn't have to happen until he was ready."

Bella burst out with a short bark of a laugh.

"You don't beat around the bush do you Edward?"

"No, I guess not," I frowned. "Did I ruin my chance? Peter does seem like he's sensitive to pressure. I wasn't trying to push him."

"I doubt it. Have you discussed who would play what part?"

"Uh, I kind of thought that was clear by the '_me_ fucking _him_' part."

_Why does this have to be so damn complicated? I wanted something simple, fun, but instead I'm loaded down with even more obstacles and hurdles._

_**If you wanted simple and fun why in the fucking hell did you get involved with your married boss? **_

_Not married, separated._

_**Whatever dumbass, now you want to argue semantics?**_

_Why not - I'm having conversations, no fucking _arguments _with myself._

The confusion and turmoil I was feeling must have been evident in my expression because Bella suddenly felt the need to bolster me.

"I wouldn't worry so much Edward. I'm sure Peter is only taking the time to make sure this is what you both want. Or, maybe he's a romantic and would have preferred you used the words "_make luv_"," she suggested in a baritone voice while waggling her eyebrows in jest.

I knew she was only joking, but something she'd said struck me as a possibility. My stomach twisted up and I tried to release my breath without making any noise.

_Make love? Is that what he was hoping to hear?_

The thoughts swirling through my head were interrupted when my phone started to go off with a familiar ringtone, but one I rarely heard anymore.

_What could Dad want?_

I'd pushed the button to accept immediately.

"Hello?"

"Edward," my mother's voice came through to my ear surprising me into almost dropping the phone.

"Mom?"

I'd only talked to my mom twice since I'd moved out and both times were in the first month and initiated by me. To say this was unexpected would be grossly understating it.

"Edward, your father informed me that Emmett and his girlfriend would be staying at the house in a couple of days."

_The house? _It seemed a strange way to refer to their home.

"_Yes?_" I responded, unsure of what kind of information she was looking to hear.

"Is your brother aware that I moved out in April?"

Forgetting where I was I nearly sat down on the floor right there next to the family planning shelves. Realizing the floor was quite a drop I instead looked up toward ceiling at the fluorescent lights and pulled at my hair with my free hand.

"What?" I sputtered. "I doubt it – because I wasn't aware either."

_About time. Why the fuck is she getting me involved?_

"You didn't know? I thought your father would have told you, it's not like you weren't aware we were having trouble."

I was listening carefully to my mom's words, but the lucidity in her tone was distracting. I hadn't heard her speak so directly and clearly in… well _anytime_.

"No. He'd never mentioned it."

I was still a little shell-shocked with the news.

_Where has she been living all these months? Why did she sound so different?_

"Okay, it makes sense then that he wanted me to play house. He probably wanted to keep the allusion of peace and pretend we were still one big happy family." Her tone changed to disgust. "He hasn't changed one iota."

_And you have? _She did sound different, but it was all too much to take in.

"So…where _have_ you been living?"

"I have an apartment. You know the building behind the shopping center? I'm on the eighth floor."

I passed that building every time I went to Peter's. It was unreal that I hadn't had any idea that the woman who'd given birth to me was now residing there.

"Oh," I didn't know what else to say. "How do you like it? The apartment I mean."

"The apartment is fine," she answered in a non-committal kind of way.

"Huh."

This conversation was going nowhere fast.

"So are you going to pretend to still live there…when Emmett visits?"

My parents have always protected Emmett from hearing the whole truth. They never worried about me. I wasn't sure if I should take that as an insult or a compliment. It started when Emmett had trouble with school and they shielded him from the possibility that he might have a learning disability, and then it continued when he became critical of how they lived. Mom usually bore the brunt of Emmett's criticism so you'd think she'd want him to find out she'd finally made some changes.

"No. I'm sure my therapist will tell me that would be a step back."

_Therapist?_

"Uh therapist?"

I was equally interested in an explanation and a way to end this call without hearing more details. I was sure the details would only make me angry.

_Why didn't you get help years ago?_

"I've been seeing Dr. Kametov since February. I was referred to Kametov by Dr. Wealon when he diagnosed me as clinically depressed. Not a big surprise there," she joked with an uncomfortable chuckle.

Dr. Wealon was our family doctor; we'd all been going to him for years. I often wondered why he didn't see her depression. There were times when I'd been in to see him for routine illnesses and contemplated asking him myself about Mom and telling him what I suspected.

_Should I have spoken up sooner?_

"Oh, okay," I answered with uncertainty. I didn't know if I should admit I'd always known or pretend to be surprised.

"On Sunday I'm having everyone over…to Carlisle and Esme's, for a barbecue. Did you want to come too?" I asked without considering the consequences.

I tugged harder at my hair as I prepared myself for rejection.

_Why did any sign of acceptance from this woman tie me up in knots?_

"That sounds wonderful, thank you for inviting me!" Mom responded, sounding unfamiliarly excited. "That would work out perfect since I didn't want to visit with Emmett and…Rosalie is it? – at the house."

_What? Mom's coming?_

"I have to get going, your father might be home soon and I only stopped at the house to call you. I didn't have your cell number."

The sharp sting of pain that passed through my sternum was unexpected. You'd think I would have been prepared for her casual mention of what I'd already suspected.

_She didn't even have my fucking phone number._

"Will you let Emmett know about my living arrangements? He can be so judgmental and it kills me every time he tells me how disappointed he is in me. I couldn't handle hearing that right now. Would you let him know I love him and I hope he can accept this? Thanks Edward, gotta go. Bye."

She hung up abruptly before I could even let out a grunt of acknowledgement.

The fact that I'd never ever in my life heard her say she loved _me_ was too fucking much to bear and I hurled my phone down, smashing into the hard tile flooring.

_What the fuck was that?_

"Edward?" Bella spoke up quietly behind me. "What's wrong?"

"I think I need a fucking drink," I spit out.

"A drink?" Bella questioned. "Was that your mom?"

"Yes and yes. Let's get the rest of this shit and see if we can get Jefferson to buy us a two-four."

Jefferson was one of our only acquaintances already over the age of nineteen. He graduated with us because he'd been held back in grade school when he suffered from a few bouts of cancer. He was fully in remission for over five years now, but you could still see the remnants of his battle from his nearly bald head. After three separate rounds of chemo and radiation his hair had never grown back the same. He was a great guy, and hugely funny and someone who would liven up any party. He was the perfect personality to get wasted with.

I suppose I could have asked Peter to buy the two-four, but I didn't want to hear his disapproval. For once I wanted to act like the teenager I was and get fucked up.

I wanted to forget that I existed in a world where my mom could pretend she only had one son, even if I had done nothing but try to seek her approval.

I wanted to forget I'd started something with a man that didn't belong to me.

I wanted to forget that the man I was really in love was probably in love with someone else and could be having sex with that man right at this moment.

_Why the fuck am I going THERE? I so wanted to fucking scrub that image out of my stupid, dumbass head._

I wanted to forget…everything.

*****iwtfy*****

**Therapy or not, his mom is still insensitive and completely clueless.**

Thanks For reading!

**Next up:** Jasper decides to trail along with Rosalie and Emmett to Forks for the stake race. _Uh oh_ - how do you think Peter will feel when he isn't invited to the barbecue?


	45. Chapter 45 - On Hiatus

I'm sorry but my stories have taken an unplanned hiatus.

My hard drive in my netbook crashed and I no longer have a computer to write on. I lost the chapters (chapter 10 – UMLM & chapter 45 – IWTFY) that I'd already written but hadn't posted. I _know _I should have saved it. I used to email myself the chapters as I closed off my writing each night but I got lazy, and I do own about a billion memory sticks! I'm kicking myself.

Anyway, with summer here and my kids home full-time, and having recently taken on a second job, time got away from me. I'm ordering a new computer soon, but if I can't recover the information from my hard drive it may take me longer to get back into the writing groove when I lost so much that I'd already written.

Hopefully I don't lose too many of you while you wait, but I'd understand if I did.


End file.
